Imagine

January 1st 1996 I found myself in a crackhouse motel out of money, out of crack, and with an overwaleming desire to put a loaded 38 in my mouth. I went thru treatment that past Sept. and had called them and was going back, that was going to be my new hiding place I guess. A place to hide from my wife and kids, who needed that money that I just burned up the night before. I had a family that wanted me, and loved me very much. And that scared the **** out of me, why could they not just forget about me and leave me along. Why could they not hate me as bad as I hated myself. These was the only thoughts I had for them. My addiction had completely kicked my ass, and I was steadly going back for more. I had no drug of choise. If it was able to destroy my mind enought for me to believe that I was all along in this world, if they was a God I was not part of his plan, and I had no soul. If it could do that, that was the drug for me. I wanted so very bad to believe" Jesus died for someone else's sins and not mine." That was the most beautifulless story I ever heard, and it got me thru the abuse I went thru in my childhood, because I acceptted total responablity for it. But in my so called "manhood" it was just another story, and didnot work for me. I had been going to meetings off and on for a few years, just long enough to hear something about that damn 4th step and I would stop going. Well; January 2nd 1996 I walked into a AA meeting fully broken, standing at those crossroads with complete abandment, the topic was forgiveness. Someone shared about us forgiving ourselfs....me, I could learn to forgive myself.....my first thought, Jesus; a gift that just keeps giving. I was not looking for God, if I had to look for him that means he is able to get himself lost. But in this smoked fill room full of people the world likes the call undesirables, I found the path that takes me back to where it is I belong. Church couldnot do that for me, the 12 Steps did. My recovery plan starts over every day, I have to start with Step One and go thru them in order like I did the day before, not doing this I get lost and start relaying on me to show me the way. I still have bad days that can grow into weeks and months, but like I said it's because I'm relaying on me. When I was in active addiction my life was boring, every day was the same, use and find ways and means to use some more. In recovery everyday is something new, everyday I see the world and people anew. My life is concently changing for the better, I'm still not rich and living paycheck to paycheck. But God does know me better than I know myself, and he only gives me what I can handle. But today I like myself, I can stand being along with myself, I can look at myself in a mirror, it does not make me sick to see a picture of myself. I had a long list of people I needed forgivness from, the list of people I needed to forgive was almost as long. But no forgivness was going to happen until I forgave myself. To learn how to do that it took God moving thru this program he brought me to. And me being willing to do what is suggested to me, and then doing it. Doing what someone suggest and not being willing to do it, producess No Grow. Trust me, I know. It is all about the service, so I do hope someone gets something out of this they can use. I would like the read others ESH on forgiving ones self. Thanks for letting me share.

Gmoney

For me, I began the process of forgiving myself in a rehab. It was my 7th or 8th treatment stay, and one of the projects they assigned us was to write our story. Prior to being admitted, I had stayed clean for almost 9 months on my own and during this time I began putting together the manuscript for my first book, so I had some practice at writing. As I dove into the project I found myself writing about the 15 year relationship with my ex that ended so ugly. I wrote about how hurt I was when I found out she was cheating and I blamed her for my downfall. The more I wrote, the more the truth came out...and what I discovered was the woman I fell in love with was no more to blame for my dilemma that anyone else. You see, it was me who turned a blind eye to her behaviors from day one. It was me who tried to change her into someone she wasn't. It was me who tried to play the role of hero when she didn't really ask to be rescued. How could I blame her for being who she was? I couldn't. I had to forgive her in order to have peace...and most importantly, I had to forgive myself for making a bad decision.

Then I came to NA.

It was in an NA meeting where I first heard, "We're not responsible for our disease, but we are responsible for our recovery." You mean to tell me I'm not a bad person, just a sick person? Wow! A lightbulb came on. I began to realize that the past couldn't be changed, but how I envisioned it or understood it could. The program and the Fellowship taught me that I suffered from a warped perspective and the core of my disease was my total self-centeredness - it wasn't so much that I had been treated so unfairly in my life as it was that I placed myself in harm's way time and time again.

As I followed suggestions and worked the steps, I became more open. My resentments began to vanish and I put the blamethrower away. As I deepened my relationship with my Higher Power and continued to inventory my ideas, attitudes and behaviors, I gained self-acceptance (little by little). The more I became able to accept myself (the good, bad and ugly), the more I became able to accept others. Through the process of recovery I've learned to see myself coming and know where my stuff ends and the stuff of others begin. I learned to be human...and for that, I can forgive myself.

Paulie

My very first sponsor explained to me that I am not the things that I did, those are things that happened, they are not who I am. That was the beginning of forgiving myself.

navysteve

WHen I started to clean up the wreckage of my past ( or present as it was). I began to feel a strange sense of comfort within my own skin. It was one thing to sit in a meeting, it was another to spend the other 23 hours of the day becoming the man I am now.

stone

"Forgiveness is a form of realism. It doesn't deny, minimize, or justify what others have done to us or the pain that we have suffered. It encourages us to look squarely at those old wounds and see them for what they are. And it allows us to see how much energy we have wasted and how much we have damaged ourselves by not forgiving.
Forgiveness is an internal process. It can't be forced, and it doesn't come easy. It brings with it great feelings of wellness and freedom. But we experience this only when we want to heal and when we are willing to work for it.

Forgiveness is a sign of positive self-esteem. We no longer identify ourselves by our past injuries and injustices. We are no longer victims. We claim the right to stop hurting when we say, "I'm tired of the pain, and I want to be healed." At that moment, forgiveness becomes a possibility-although it may take time and much hard work before we finally achieve it.
Forgiveness is letting go of the past. It doesn't erase what happened, but it does allow us to lessen and perhaps even eliminate the pain of the past. The pain from our past no longer dictates how we live in the present, and it no longer determines our future.

It also means that we no longer need resentment and anger as an excuse for our shortcomings. We don't need them as a weapon to punish others nor as a shield to protect ourselves by keeping others away. And most importantly, we don't need these feelings to identify who we are. We become more than merely victims of our past.
Forgiveness is no longer wanting to punish those who hurt us. It is understanding that the anger and hatred that we feel toward them hurts us far more than it hurts them. It is seeing how we hide ourselves in our anger and how those feelings prevent us from healing. It is discovering the inner peace that becomes ours when we let go of the past and forget vengeance.
Forgiveness is moving on. It is recognizing all that we have lost because of our refusal to forgive. It is realizing that the energy that we spend hanging on to the past is better spent on improving our present and our future. It is letting go of the past so that we can move on.

We all have been hurt. And at one time or another most of us have made the mistake of trying to run away from the past. The problem is that no matter how fast or how far we run, the past always catches up to us-and usually at the most inopportune time. When we forgive, we are dealing with the past in such a way that we no longer have to run.
For me, learning how to forgive wasn't easy. But I did learn, and my life is better for it - even here on death row."

Michael B. Ross
Death Row
Somers, Connecticut.

For me, forgiveness is moving on. I have had things done to me that I do not forgive.
I try to make peace with them though.

Self hatred and lack of forgiveness is seductive. Why not forgive ourselves? If we are truelly sorry, we should.