Imagine

January 1st 1996 I found myself in a crackhouse motel out of money, out of crack, and with an overwaleming desire to put a loaded 38 in my mouth. I went thru treatment that past Sept. and had called them and was going back, that was going to be my new hiding place I guess. A place to hide from my wife and kids, who needed that money that I just burned up the night before. I had a family that wanted me, and loved me very much. And that scared the **** out of me, why could they not just forget about me and leave me along. Why could they not hate me as bad as I hated myself. These was the only thoughts I had for them. My addiction had completely kicked my ass, and I was steadly going back for more. I had no drug of choise. If it was able to destroy my mind enought for me to believe that I was all along in this world, if they was a God I was not part of his plan, and I had no soul. If it could do that, that was the drug for me. I wanted so very bad to believe" Jesus died for someone else's sins and not mine." That was the most beautifulless story I ever heard, and it got me thru the abuse I went thru in my childhood, because I acceptted total responablity for it. But in my so called "manhood" it was just another story, and didnot work for me. I had been going to meetings off and on for a few years, just long enough to hear something about that damn 4th step and I would stop going. Well; January 2nd 1996 I walked into a AA meeting fully broken, standing at those crossroads with complete abandment, the topic was forgiveness. Someone shared about us forgiving ourselfs....me, I could learn to forgive myself.....my first thought, Jesus; a gift that just keeps giving. I was not looking for God, if I had to look for him that means he is able to get himself lost. But in this smoked fill room full of people the world likes the call undesirables, I found the path that takes me back to where it is I belong. Church couldnot do that for me, the 12 Steps did. My recovery plan starts over every day, I have to start with Step One and go thru them in order like I did the day before, not doing this I get lost and start relaying on me to show me the way. I still have bad days that can grow into weeks and months, but like I said it's because I'm relaying on me. When I was in active addiction my life was boring, every day was the same, use and find ways and means to use some more. In recovery everyday is something new, everyday I see the world and people anew. My life is concently changing for the better, I'm still not rich and living paycheck to paycheck. But God does know me better than I know myself, and he only gives me what I can handle. But today I like myself, I can stand being along with myself, I can look at myself in a mirror, it does not make me sick to see a picture of myself. I had a long list of people I needed forgivness from, the list of people I needed to forgive was almost as long. But no forgivness was going to happen until I forgave myself. To learn how to do that it took God moving thru this program he brought me to. And me being willing to do what is suggested to me, and then doing it. Doing what someone suggest and not being willing to do it, producess No Grow. Trust me, I know. It is all about the service, so I do hope someone gets something out of this they can use. I would like the read others ESH on forgiving ones self. Thanks for letting me share.