Proof of infidelity or am I terribly naiive?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 36
Proof of infidelity or am I terribly naiive?
Last night I dropped my blood pressure pill just before I went to bed. I got down on the floor next to the bed to begin looking for it and found a........condom. (not a new one, by the way...) The last time I've used a condom was at least 15 years ago, so I know it's not mine. I was in shock, shaken, confused.
After I thought about it a few minutes, I realized I had to say something, to do something. First, I called our teenager in my room and, without being angry or intimidating, asked her to be honest with me about whether that condom belonged to her. She swears it doesn't; she also swears it doesn't belong to any friends who might have "used" our room. I didn't think it did, but having a teenager in the house, I thought I had to ask, you know.
Next, I asked my AH, who was watching tv with his friend after a long night of drinking to come in our room so I could get his help with something quickly. I wanted to keep the situation non-confrontational as long as I could. I asked him about the condom and he "acted" shocked. He claimed it could be our old friend who house sat for us quite a bit four years ago. I don't think so. I'm a crappy housekeeper, but not that bad. This item couldn't be more than a few weeks old because I've swept and mopped in our bedroom within the last month. Plus, the condom wasn't in a deteriorated condition that would indicate it was years old. Then he suggested maybe his good friend had met his girlfriend in our home for a tryst and went to ask him about it. Good friend claimed it wasn't his. Well, they are adults, so I can't imagine why they would need to use our home when they each have homes of their own. Then AH tried to turn the tables to me and ask me if it belonged to me. My response was that I would have simply thrown any of my evidence away rather than accuse him with it. Before turning away and dismissing the entire event, AH told me I could have it DNA tested. Well, that's laughable since I have neither the funds, access, nor expertise of CSI, and I told him so. He walked off to watch tv seemingly unconcerned about the entire situation. Me, on the other hand, had a hard time sleeping all night long.
If you're still reading this, you're probably thinking to yourself, how much more proof does she need? Does she need to see him physically cheating for it to sink in or what? I'm just really confused. Our entire marriage, I always believed AH could never cheat. He might be an alcoholic, a wife beater, a jekyl and hyde figure, a life of the party to others and hell at home, but never a cheater. I'm not sure how to wrap my head around it. Plus, I don't know if I want more "proof" or not. I work regular hours and he doesn't, plus we have dogs that act as the best alarm sytem/doorbell ever, so it's not like I could ever "sneak" up on the house. Comments? Opinions? Suggestions? Been there, done that? I need to hear what you've got....
T
After I thought about it a few minutes, I realized I had to say something, to do something. First, I called our teenager in my room and, without being angry or intimidating, asked her to be honest with me about whether that condom belonged to her. She swears it doesn't; she also swears it doesn't belong to any friends who might have "used" our room. I didn't think it did, but having a teenager in the house, I thought I had to ask, you know.
Next, I asked my AH, who was watching tv with his friend after a long night of drinking to come in our room so I could get his help with something quickly. I wanted to keep the situation non-confrontational as long as I could. I asked him about the condom and he "acted" shocked. He claimed it could be our old friend who house sat for us quite a bit four years ago. I don't think so. I'm a crappy housekeeper, but not that bad. This item couldn't be more than a few weeks old because I've swept and mopped in our bedroom within the last month. Plus, the condom wasn't in a deteriorated condition that would indicate it was years old. Then he suggested maybe his good friend had met his girlfriend in our home for a tryst and went to ask him about it. Good friend claimed it wasn't his. Well, they are adults, so I can't imagine why they would need to use our home when they each have homes of their own. Then AH tried to turn the tables to me and ask me if it belonged to me. My response was that I would have simply thrown any of my evidence away rather than accuse him with it. Before turning away and dismissing the entire event, AH told me I could have it DNA tested. Well, that's laughable since I have neither the funds, access, nor expertise of CSI, and I told him so. He walked off to watch tv seemingly unconcerned about the entire situation. Me, on the other hand, had a hard time sleeping all night long.
If you're still reading this, you're probably thinking to yourself, how much more proof does she need? Does she need to see him physically cheating for it to sink in or what? I'm just really confused. Our entire marriage, I always believed AH could never cheat. He might be an alcoholic, a wife beater, a jekyl and hyde figure, a life of the party to others and hell at home, but never a cheater. I'm not sure how to wrap my head around it. Plus, I don't know if I want more "proof" or not. I work regular hours and he doesn't, plus we have dogs that act as the best alarm sytem/doorbell ever, so it's not like I could ever "sneak" up on the house. Comments? Opinions? Suggestions? Been there, done that? I need to hear what you've got....
T
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
I tend to post in both forums, I don't think it makes a big difference. All the behavior is so similar.
Anyway, it could be proof of something to do with your husband cheating. Or not. What it is proof of is that something like this is going to circle around and around in your head and make YOU crazy. What are you going to do about it? Is cheating your absolute dealbreaker? You said: But that is all pretty unacceptable behavior even WITHOUT the cheating. So I guess the question is, why are you accepting unacceptable behavior?
Anyway, it could be proof of something to do with your husband cheating. Or not. What it is proof of is that something like this is going to circle around and around in your head and make YOU crazy. What are you going to do about it? Is cheating your absolute dealbreaker? You said:
He might be an alcoholic, a wife beater, a jekyl and hyde figure, a life of the party to others and hell at home, but never a cheater.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((((Makeachange)))))))))
You can post here anytime you want.
I'm sorry for what your choosing to live with. I truly am.
How long have you been married to him?
I gotta tell ya...
Some can stay in that kinda life. Some can't.
I'm one that couldn't. And that doesn't even include
whether he's a cheater or not.
I've blocked out alot of crappy memories from my life,
but let me dig deep and see if I can give you my $.02,
for what it's worth.
I was married once to an alcoholic. For 10 years, off and on.
More off than on. He'd get drunk, disappear for the weekend,
and I'd pack his stuff and make him leave. A couple weeks later,
I'd let him come home. It was horrible. I never knew if he cheated or
not. I just knew that I didn't want to live like that anymore.
The last day we were ever together, he spanked me with a flyswatter,
because I was mad at him for not working enough and bringing home
enough money to pay overdue bills. I yelled at him and he hurt me.
I've been divorced from him over 18 years now. He was still an
active alcoholic until he went to jail for a dui.
I've been married to a wonderful man for almost 10 years now.
Together almost 14. It's more perfect now than earlier in the relationship,
let me tell ya. lol
In the beginning, we were coworkers and friends. After my mother died,
I was devastated and took some time off work. When I returned, he started asking me out.
For 3 months, I said no. Then I finally gave in. He was the perfect gentleman.
I wasn't used to that. The romance spun out of control. He moved in within
3 months of dating and we even moved to a bigger place. I had 2 children.
My daughter was 4, my son 9.
Within 6 months, he began to act strange. Distant. Restless.
I started going through his things, looking for clues to explain his demeanor.
I found a letter written by a younger woman. Very discriptive about what she'd like to do with him. When confronted, he lied. They do that sometimes.
Don't even have to be a drunk or an addict. Just a man. lol
That's just my own observation and opinion. I lived dysfunction my whole life.
I knew something wasn't right. I moved into a small apartment with my two children. A week later he followed and beg forgiveness with an engagement ring. I accepted. Why not? He was a nice guy and I cared about him.
He has done everything in his power to make that situation up to me ever since. Yes, he'd cheated. It was early on in the relationship. The only tie we had was that we were living together. I felt he wanted out. I gave him that out. We've since then celebrated 9 years of marriage and it's been nothin' but great. I'll be 44 this year. I'm a strong woman and can fend for myself.
He knows this. That's why I keep him around. lol I don't have to....I want to. lol
I'm worried about your high blood pressure. You don't need grief from him.
Are you in alanon? Do you attend meetings?
Have you read Melodie Beattie's books on codependency? You need to.
We are woman!!!!!!!!!! Hear us roar.
Life is what you make of it. If you settle for less, your going to be unhappy.
We live once. One time to live the way we want. Do you want happiness? It's not gonna fall into your lap, let me tell ya. I waited a long time for that to happen. When I reached 30 I realized it doesn't work that way. I'm not telling you one way or the other how to live your life.
I just think your worth alot more than getting hurt continuously by a man who apparently has no respect for you or your happiness.
We're here for ya either way. You wanna talk? I'll listen. You can pm me anytime.
Much love, hugs, and prayers for strength.
p.s. sorry this was lengthy. i edited alot of it. lol
You can post here anytime you want.
I'm sorry for what your choosing to live with. I truly am.
How long have you been married to him?
I gotta tell ya...
Some can stay in that kinda life. Some can't.
I'm one that couldn't. And that doesn't even include
whether he's a cheater or not.
I've blocked out alot of crappy memories from my life,
but let me dig deep and see if I can give you my $.02,
for what it's worth.
I was married once to an alcoholic. For 10 years, off and on.
More off than on. He'd get drunk, disappear for the weekend,
and I'd pack his stuff and make him leave. A couple weeks later,
I'd let him come home. It was horrible. I never knew if he cheated or
not. I just knew that I didn't want to live like that anymore.
The last day we were ever together, he spanked me with a flyswatter,
because I was mad at him for not working enough and bringing home
enough money to pay overdue bills. I yelled at him and he hurt me.
I've been divorced from him over 18 years now. He was still an
active alcoholic until he went to jail for a dui.
I've been married to a wonderful man for almost 10 years now.
Together almost 14. It's more perfect now than earlier in the relationship,
let me tell ya. lol
In the beginning, we were coworkers and friends. After my mother died,
I was devastated and took some time off work. When I returned, he started asking me out.
For 3 months, I said no. Then I finally gave in. He was the perfect gentleman.
I wasn't used to that. The romance spun out of control. He moved in within
3 months of dating and we even moved to a bigger place. I had 2 children.
My daughter was 4, my son 9.
Within 6 months, he began to act strange. Distant. Restless.
I started going through his things, looking for clues to explain his demeanor.
I found a letter written by a younger woman. Very discriptive about what she'd like to do with him. When confronted, he lied. They do that sometimes.
Don't even have to be a drunk or an addict. Just a man. lol
That's just my own observation and opinion. I lived dysfunction my whole life.
I knew something wasn't right. I moved into a small apartment with my two children. A week later he followed and beg forgiveness with an engagement ring. I accepted. Why not? He was a nice guy and I cared about him.
He has done everything in his power to make that situation up to me ever since. Yes, he'd cheated. It was early on in the relationship. The only tie we had was that we were living together. I felt he wanted out. I gave him that out. We've since then celebrated 9 years of marriage and it's been nothin' but great. I'll be 44 this year. I'm a strong woman and can fend for myself.
He knows this. That's why I keep him around. lol I don't have to....I want to. lol
I'm worried about your high blood pressure. You don't need grief from him.
Are you in alanon? Do you attend meetings?
Have you read Melodie Beattie's books on codependency? You need to.
We are woman!!!!!!!!!! Hear us roar.
Life is what you make of it. If you settle for less, your going to be unhappy.
We live once. One time to live the way we want. Do you want happiness? It's not gonna fall into your lap, let me tell ya. I waited a long time for that to happen. When I reached 30 I realized it doesn't work that way. I'm not telling you one way or the other how to live your life.
I just think your worth alot more than getting hurt continuously by a man who apparently has no respect for you or your happiness.
We're here for ya either way. You wanna talk? I'll listen. You can pm me anytime.
Much love, hugs, and prayers for strength.
p.s. sorry this was lengthy. i edited alot of it. lol
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
((((T))))
Having been cheated on by my first husband, I understand your concerns.
But with love in my heart I ask you where are you in this relationship?
You describe your husband as a alcoholic, Jekle and Hyde, wife beater with no job.
Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Are you at all happy...and can you ever be happy in this relationship?
I know how hard it is to ask these questions, because I had to ask myself the same.
Wishing you peace and clarity
(((Hugs))))
Having been cheated on by my first husband, I understand your concerns.
But with love in my heart I ask you where are you in this relationship?
You describe your husband as a alcoholic, Jekle and Hyde, wife beater with no job.
Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Are you at all happy...and can you ever be happy in this relationship?
I know how hard it is to ask these questions, because I had to ask myself the same.
Wishing you peace and clarity
(((Hugs))))
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Fort Myers, FL
Posts: 161
Logically speaking, I don't see this as proof of infidelity. But it is evidence of sexual activity, most likely in that room. Without question, fancy DNA testing could uncover who was involved. But as you say, that is not a realistic option for you. What you are left with, are your very valid feelings about the matter, whatever they may be. You have every right to express them, and to ask for what you need around them. It would raise trust issues for me, and since no one is stepping up with an explanation, I would let everyone in the family know that my trust in them all has dropped several notches, and they will be needing to work hard to regain it over time. I would also insist on the use of protection for every future encounter with AH - no exceptions.
I never dreamed my ex could be cheating on me until I was thrown out of the house and saw a new GF sitting in "our" spot at church only weeks later. Is that evidence of cheating? Perhaps not - merely suggestive. But my heart believes it's possible, and I feel like an idiot. Please keep posting and taking in the wonderful support you'll find in this special place.
I never dreamed my ex could be cheating on me until I was thrown out of the house and saw a new GF sitting in "our" spot at church only weeks later. Is that evidence of cheating? Perhaps not - merely suggestive. But my heart believes it's possible, and I feel like an idiot. Please keep posting and taking in the wonderful support you'll find in this special place.
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