I need some strength
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: st louis missouri
Posts: 17
I need some strength
My 25 year old son just spent 15 days in jail for a DUI. Promised that he had finally learned and didn't want to go to state prison. Only home a couple days and he is right back where we were before he went to jail. I told him last week that the only reason I let him stay home last week was because I knew he was going to jail. He had only been home one week from rehab, had a court date and got the 15 day sentence. He used both days of the weekend Saturday and Sunday. He has ruined every holiday for about 7 years now but I just can't go home from work and put him out of the house with no where to go. How does anybody do that? Something has to change and change very quickly or he is going to die. He has overdosed 4 times since last November. But once again I told him that he had to think about all of this during his 15 days because things would change when he got back. I haven't changed one bit and don't even know how to begin. I'm so afraid now that I have waited too long to pull the tough love. If I would have done it years ago we probably wouldn't be where we are today because he isn't street wise. Now I just know that if I put him out he is going to overdose. I can't live with that. I know all the right answers here, I just can't do them. I am scared to go home from work that he might have overdose. I'm scared to open his bedroom door that he might have overdosed. If I don't hear sounds from his room I'm terrified; if I do I'm afraid he has fallen and overdosed. I don't think this will ever get better.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
I haven't changed one bit and don't even know how to begin
you are in the right place! I remember saying the same thing. Read the stickey's, read our old posts, go to a meeting (it really does help!). We are
not alone.
prayers,
susan
you are in the right place! I remember saying the same thing. Read the stickey's, read our old posts, go to a meeting (it really does help!). We are
not alone.
prayers,
susan
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Bren,
The first thing I did when I found SR and realized my son was doing drugs was to cut off any money I had been giving him...NO money at all. He found ways to get this stuff for a while, but I think he used up all his friendship tickets quickly.
I also stopped engaging in any type of arguments, how I didn't love him as much as his sister, yadayada, and followed all the advice here like a codie manual. I accepted that my son was going to have this problem FOR LIFE and that there was absolutely nothing I could do about it, that wanting things to change would have to be HIS choice. This acceptance and changing my focus back to myself, reading all the stories of other mothers on this forum, and stepping out of his way towards self-destruction turned out to be a great relief for me, and I found myself feeling a calm tranquility come over me (I believe it was my higher power wrapping his arms around me). I HAD to stop spending all my energy and thoughts worrying about my son, HAD to force myself to detach and let him make his own poor decisions, but still love him.
Please stay here, Bren. It is really possible to turn this over to God and let him run the show (which he is doing anyway, right?) and just start taking care of you. Keep reading the stories, the back posts, click on anyone's name and on the bottom of their profile page you can see old posts of theirs, read the new posts, TRUST their experience and that what happened to their children and them is pretty much exactly what will happen with you and yours, and jump right to the end without questioning it. LET HIM FALL, don't provide him with ANY cash whatsoever, and work towards a move out date. I'm sending you great big hugs and love, Bren. There is a better life for you here, if you stay and find the fellowship that is offered. Lots of people go to face-to-face alanon and naranon meetings here also, and they love the support they get and say it has changed their lives. You can do it, Bren. It's scary to let go, I know, but it truly is the right thing for both you and your son
The first thing I did when I found SR and realized my son was doing drugs was to cut off any money I had been giving him...NO money at all. He found ways to get this stuff for a while, but I think he used up all his friendship tickets quickly.
I also stopped engaging in any type of arguments, how I didn't love him as much as his sister, yadayada, and followed all the advice here like a codie manual. I accepted that my son was going to have this problem FOR LIFE and that there was absolutely nothing I could do about it, that wanting things to change would have to be HIS choice. This acceptance and changing my focus back to myself, reading all the stories of other mothers on this forum, and stepping out of his way towards self-destruction turned out to be a great relief for me, and I found myself feeling a calm tranquility come over me (I believe it was my higher power wrapping his arms around me). I HAD to stop spending all my energy and thoughts worrying about my son, HAD to force myself to detach and let him make his own poor decisions, but still love him.
Please stay here, Bren. It is really possible to turn this over to God and let him run the show (which he is doing anyway, right?) and just start taking care of you. Keep reading the stories, the back posts, click on anyone's name and on the bottom of their profile page you can see old posts of theirs, read the new posts, TRUST their experience and that what happened to their children and them is pretty much exactly what will happen with you and yours, and jump right to the end without questioning it. LET HIM FALL, don't provide him with ANY cash whatsoever, and work towards a move out date. I'm sending you great big hugs and love, Bren. There is a better life for you here, if you stay and find the fellowship that is offered. Lots of people go to face-to-face alanon and naranon meetings here also, and they love the support they get and say it has changed their lives. You can do it, Bren. It's scary to let go, I know, but it truly is the right thing for both you and your son
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
((((Bren))))
I felt the same way when I arrived.
Try not to awfulize...it will just drive you mad.
I found myself in a place that I had no choice but to give my son over to his HP. I had to trust mine as well. This didn't come naturally, it was more like a last resort. But slowly those feelings of panic and dread began to fade, and my son is still here today.
As sad as it is, our addicts will hold us hostage with the fear that strikes deep in our hearts. As long as we keep making things comfortable, they can keep doing what they do. If you or I were addicted, we would most likely behave the same. It helped me to remember that none of this was personal, even if it feels as if it is.
I understand not being able to turn him out...I couldn't either. But I DID get to the point where I gave him a choice...rehab or out. This way I felt I wasn't as much to blame. He chose rehab.
Things aren't perfect these days, but they are better...a lot to do with my better understanding, his better understanding of where I stand, and his awareness if dangerous paths.
Please stick around...there's so much to learn.
(((Hugs)))
I felt the same way when I arrived.
Try not to awfulize...it will just drive you mad.
I found myself in a place that I had no choice but to give my son over to his HP. I had to trust mine as well. This didn't come naturally, it was more like a last resort. But slowly those feelings of panic and dread began to fade, and my son is still here today.
As sad as it is, our addicts will hold us hostage with the fear that strikes deep in our hearts. As long as we keep making things comfortable, they can keep doing what they do. If you or I were addicted, we would most likely behave the same. It helped me to remember that none of this was personal, even if it feels as if it is.
I understand not being able to turn him out...I couldn't either. But I DID get to the point where I gave him a choice...rehab or out. This way I felt I wasn't as much to blame. He chose rehab.
Things aren't perfect these days, but they are better...a lot to do with my better understanding, his better understanding of where I stand, and his awareness if dangerous paths.
Please stick around...there's so much to learn.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: homebased
Posts: 408
First things first...take a deep breath
I know how you are feeling.....
I had to take my son to a homeless shelter and it was the second hardest thing I ever did
the first hardest thing was following the ambulance to the ER after he overdosed at home
don't beat yourself up over "lost time"...chances are he was not ready to hear the message years ago...
in any case the past is over....work with today
perhaps get some # ready for him...(in-patient, rehab, shelters etc...)
when you are ready set your boundary but be sure you are ready to stick to it
"he isn't street wise. Now I just know that if I put him out he is going to overdose."
actually from your post it sounds as if he has overdosed at home (as did mine) it can happen on the street but it also can happen at home in bed
I know that that is hard to hear but it is the sad reality
my prayers for you and your son
keep posting
there are many moms here who are walking the same road
I know how you are feeling.....
I had to take my son to a homeless shelter and it was the second hardest thing I ever did
the first hardest thing was following the ambulance to the ER after he overdosed at home
don't beat yourself up over "lost time"...chances are he was not ready to hear the message years ago...
in any case the past is over....work with today
perhaps get some # ready for him...(in-patient, rehab, shelters etc...)
when you are ready set your boundary but be sure you are ready to stick to it
"he isn't street wise. Now I just know that if I put him out he is going to overdose."
actually from your post it sounds as if he has overdosed at home (as did mine) it can happen on the street but it also can happen at home in bed
I know that that is hard to hear but it is the sad reality
my prayers for you and your son
keep posting
there are many moms here who are walking the same road
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I agree with the other above me. I never had to put my daughter out so I will not say that I know how you feel, but I have had to let her go, give her to God and pray. I have had to stop spending my days thinking about her constantly and trying to get her to see the light. It was not easy and it took time, but the thing that I know is that you can't have a front row seat to his addiction and keep your sanity at the same time. Does not work. He may die from this disease and that is something you can't change. But whether he dies on the street or in bed in your home it is still not something that you can control. Keep posting, keep reading and keep trying. You will get there, I promise. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 20
Dear Bren,
The only thing that worked for me was my willingness to surrender. I was told early in recovery that active addiction results in one of three outcomes - jail, institutions, or death. I didn't believe it at first. I kept thinking if only I worked harder, invested more, loved him more, learned more, provided more, etc. etc I could turn my son around and save him. I couldn’t. It wasn’t for lack of trying or for lack of love – the disease was and is simply too powerful.
My son has been in and out of rehabs, mental institutions, and now he’s going to prison. Like your son he’d OD on a regular basis and scared the life out of me. Truth is I had no life, other than my son and his addiction, and it wasn’t a very pretty life at that. When I found my way to Nar-Anon I discovered a better way. No one told me what to do, but strongly suggested I attend meetings, practice the steps, get a sponsor, and keep coming back. I did and do. I also discovered this forum and another that keep me connected with others like ourselves, fueled with useful information and recommendations for personal consideration, and constant reminders that we are not alone. By nature I tend to isolate. Particularly when I’m hurting. For me, that’s the surest way to get myself back into the stinkin thinking mode that brought me here in the first place.
Anyway, I learned much about the disease and soon realized that my family and I were as ill as my son. Mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually we were a family in crisis. It was through the program and the fellowship of others who understood that I began to gain some perspective and strength.
Same as you I was terrified to kick my son to the curb, but when he relapsed and his disease got scarier and more unpredictable, I had too. I was in such despair and pain and so sick I knew that if he didn’t die, I surely would. This family disease was literally killing me.
Well, my son didn’t die out there on the street. Granted he was a mess, but he did survive. Not well, but survive he did. Addicts are good at that. As it turns out, the very things I was doing to protect my son (money, food, shelter, comforts) were killing him. By enabling him, I was making it possible for him to continue using with no consequences. Interestingly enough, when I stopped providing, my son found his way to NA, got clean, and for a bit of time was happy. His sobriety didn’t last long and now the consequences for his behaviors are sending him to prison, but he also now knows what I couldn’t teach him or provide. And that is that his getting well – his recovery is his choice and his responsibility. I am powerless.
I know your pain. I’ve been there. Detaching and asking my son (well forcing him really) to go - to leave my house - was the single ugliest thing I’ve ever had to do as a mother. But I didn’t do it alone Bren. I did it with the help of others like us, a simple 12-step program, a belief there is a power greater than myself in charge, and somewhere in this nightmare there is a plan unfolding. I can’t see it, but I believe it’s there. It took surrendering which has me at about Step 2 ½ of my recovery. What I can and must do is take care of my own life responsibly.
Today my son is clean, safe, with a roof over his head. Yeah – ok – so he’s in jail and on his way to prison, but the good news is he is alive, which gives me hope.
You said you know all the right answers, but you just can’t do them. None of us can. Not alone. I would encourage you to get yourself to a meeting or counseling. Maybe many meetings, begin reading, spend time with others in fellowship, get phone numbers, and speak with other mothers and others familiar with this damned disease.
My life is far from rosie, but it is better. My son, well, his life is not so rosie, but today he is alive and well and for that I am grateful.
Please don’t give up. It’s never too late. Your son you say is 25. Mine is 35. There’s still hope. Lots of it.
Let us help you through this.
You are not alone.
The only thing that worked for me was my willingness to surrender. I was told early in recovery that active addiction results in one of three outcomes - jail, institutions, or death. I didn't believe it at first. I kept thinking if only I worked harder, invested more, loved him more, learned more, provided more, etc. etc I could turn my son around and save him. I couldn’t. It wasn’t for lack of trying or for lack of love – the disease was and is simply too powerful.
My son has been in and out of rehabs, mental institutions, and now he’s going to prison. Like your son he’d OD on a regular basis and scared the life out of me. Truth is I had no life, other than my son and his addiction, and it wasn’t a very pretty life at that. When I found my way to Nar-Anon I discovered a better way. No one told me what to do, but strongly suggested I attend meetings, practice the steps, get a sponsor, and keep coming back. I did and do. I also discovered this forum and another that keep me connected with others like ourselves, fueled with useful information and recommendations for personal consideration, and constant reminders that we are not alone. By nature I tend to isolate. Particularly when I’m hurting. For me, that’s the surest way to get myself back into the stinkin thinking mode that brought me here in the first place.
Anyway, I learned much about the disease and soon realized that my family and I were as ill as my son. Mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually we were a family in crisis. It was through the program and the fellowship of others who understood that I began to gain some perspective and strength.
Same as you I was terrified to kick my son to the curb, but when he relapsed and his disease got scarier and more unpredictable, I had too. I was in such despair and pain and so sick I knew that if he didn’t die, I surely would. This family disease was literally killing me.
Well, my son didn’t die out there on the street. Granted he was a mess, but he did survive. Not well, but survive he did. Addicts are good at that. As it turns out, the very things I was doing to protect my son (money, food, shelter, comforts) were killing him. By enabling him, I was making it possible for him to continue using with no consequences. Interestingly enough, when I stopped providing, my son found his way to NA, got clean, and for a bit of time was happy. His sobriety didn’t last long and now the consequences for his behaviors are sending him to prison, but he also now knows what I couldn’t teach him or provide. And that is that his getting well – his recovery is his choice and his responsibility. I am powerless.
I know your pain. I’ve been there. Detaching and asking my son (well forcing him really) to go - to leave my house - was the single ugliest thing I’ve ever had to do as a mother. But I didn’t do it alone Bren. I did it with the help of others like us, a simple 12-step program, a belief there is a power greater than myself in charge, and somewhere in this nightmare there is a plan unfolding. I can’t see it, but I believe it’s there. It took surrendering which has me at about Step 2 ½ of my recovery. What I can and must do is take care of my own life responsibly.
Today my son is clean, safe, with a roof over his head. Yeah – ok – so he’s in jail and on his way to prison, but the good news is he is alive, which gives me hope.
You said you know all the right answers, but you just can’t do them. None of us can. Not alone. I would encourage you to get yourself to a meeting or counseling. Maybe many meetings, begin reading, spend time with others in fellowship, get phone numbers, and speak with other mothers and others familiar with this damned disease.
My life is far from rosie, but it is better. My son, well, his life is not so rosie, but today he is alive and well and for that I am grateful.
Please don’t give up. It’s never too late. Your son you say is 25. Mine is 35. There’s still hope. Lots of it.
Let us help you through this.
You are not alone.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((bren8854,))))
Well big hugs to you, cause you sure sound like you need them.
I have 2 sons, both are addicts, one is 29, and sober, the other 34, and still using.
I agree with BJW about the 3 outcomes, but I also believe our sons H.P. has a plan for them, and can't set that plan in motion when we keep putting ourselves in the middle.
For right now, start taking baby steps, go to meetings, where you can get additional support, and work the steps.
I also drove my son straight from prison to a homeless shelter. He has seemed to survive quite nicely, although he manages to go back to prison on a regular basis. I am way past the worry now, somewhere I picked up alot of faith that my son has someone watching over him, and what's going to be, is going to be. But, by giving him the opportunity to be out in the world, I am giving him a chance, (over and over I might add) to hit his bottom someday, (fingers crossed here) and get on the path of recovery.
Baby steps, for the first little bit give him NO MONEY. NOT a cent.
Hugs to you,
Glad you've joined us.
Well big hugs to you, cause you sure sound like you need them.
I have 2 sons, both are addicts, one is 29, and sober, the other 34, and still using.
I agree with BJW about the 3 outcomes, but I also believe our sons H.P. has a plan for them, and can't set that plan in motion when we keep putting ourselves in the middle.
For right now, start taking baby steps, go to meetings, where you can get additional support, and work the steps.
I also drove my son straight from prison to a homeless shelter. He has seemed to survive quite nicely, although he manages to go back to prison on a regular basis. I am way past the worry now, somewhere I picked up alot of faith that my son has someone watching over him, and what's going to be, is going to be. But, by giving him the opportunity to be out in the world, I am giving him a chance, (over and over I might add) to hit his bottom someday, (fingers crossed here) and get on the path of recovery.
Baby steps, for the first little bit give him NO MONEY. NOT a cent.
Hugs to you,
Glad you've joined us.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Welcome from another mom of addicted son.
This is no way for you to live.
I found a parents focused group Al-anon in my area 5 yrs. ago. I learned how to "detach with love" My son destroying his life was destroying mine. I decided I wouldn't live that way any longer. Living in "fear, doubt and worry" is just too awful.
Take the steps to control what you can and that is your own recovery from being co-dependent in your grown son's life.
Support your son getting the help he needs but you can not enable him because waht you are doing is not working by your own admissions.
Wishing you the strength to make some changes to make your life better.
Wishing your son finds his way.
My son is in rehab now. It took a lot of bottoms for him to agree to go.
Living at my house his addiction only got worse and he regressed. So that could not be an option.
This is no way for you to live.
I found a parents focused group Al-anon in my area 5 yrs. ago. I learned how to "detach with love" My son destroying his life was destroying mine. I decided I wouldn't live that way any longer. Living in "fear, doubt and worry" is just too awful.
Take the steps to control what you can and that is your own recovery from being co-dependent in your grown son's life.
Support your son getting the help he needs but you can not enable him because waht you are doing is not working by your own admissions.
Wishing you the strength to make some changes to make your life better.
Wishing your son finds his way.
My son is in rehab now. It took a lot of bottoms for him to agree to go.
Living at my house his addiction only got worse and he regressed. So that could not be an option.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((((Bren)))
I am a recovering addict, as well as a recovering codependent (codie).
When I got involved with crack, I had NO street smarts, but guess what? I learned very quickly. I figured out just what I needed to, to stay alive and stay high. My dad and stepmom lived 2 hours away, and for months at a time, didn't know if I was dead or alive.
I got into legal trouble, and though it took a while for it to catch up with me, I found myself in jail for a month, then a diversion center for 4-1/2 more months, back close to my family. After that, I stayed clean for a while, but relapsed 14 months ago. I had stayed clean, but didn't work at recovery, which involves dealing with issues and finding some other way to handle them without thinking of or getting high.
My family loves me very much, but they will not enable me or tolerate me using. I'm 46, and having to live at home because of the financial and legal wreckage I brought on myself. But I pay rent, pay bills, work full time, and act like a responsible adult.
It was only because my family does not and did not enable me, that I sought recovery and it's the best thing in my life.
Recovery has to be something we addicts want, and want really, really bad. We may do rehab, treatment if we are forced, and we DO learn recovery tools even if we don't want to. But until we really want recovery, deep in our heart, we won't do it. I don't think any addict ever quits until we are faced with consequences that outweigh getting high. Until your son faces some pretty harsh consequences of his using, he will probably keep on using.
There are several moms on here that HAVE lost their children to overdose or suicide fueled by addiction. It is an ugly fact of addiction. But you didn't CAUSE his addiction, can't CURE it and can't CHANGE it (the 3 c's).
I know you're scared, but there are some awesome people here who have or still are walking the same path you are. I hope you find some al-anon or nar-anon meetings for face-to-face (f2f) support, but you will also get a ton of love and support here.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I am a recovering addict, as well as a recovering codependent (codie).
When I got involved with crack, I had NO street smarts, but guess what? I learned very quickly. I figured out just what I needed to, to stay alive and stay high. My dad and stepmom lived 2 hours away, and for months at a time, didn't know if I was dead or alive.
I got into legal trouble, and though it took a while for it to catch up with me, I found myself in jail for a month, then a diversion center for 4-1/2 more months, back close to my family. After that, I stayed clean for a while, but relapsed 14 months ago. I had stayed clean, but didn't work at recovery, which involves dealing with issues and finding some other way to handle them without thinking of or getting high.
My family loves me very much, but they will not enable me or tolerate me using. I'm 46, and having to live at home because of the financial and legal wreckage I brought on myself. But I pay rent, pay bills, work full time, and act like a responsible adult.
It was only because my family does not and did not enable me, that I sought recovery and it's the best thing in my life.
Recovery has to be something we addicts want, and want really, really bad. We may do rehab, treatment if we are forced, and we DO learn recovery tools even if we don't want to. But until we really want recovery, deep in our heart, we won't do it. I don't think any addict ever quits until we are faced with consequences that outweigh getting high. Until your son faces some pretty harsh consequences of his using, he will probably keep on using.
There are several moms on here that HAVE lost their children to overdose or suicide fueled by addiction. It is an ugly fact of addiction. But you didn't CAUSE his addiction, can't CURE it and can't CHANGE it (the 3 c's).
I know you're scared, but there are some awesome people here who have or still are walking the same path you are. I hope you find some al-anon or nar-anon meetings for face-to-face (f2f) support, but you will also get a ton of love and support here.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: st louis missouri
Posts: 17
Thank you all for your kind posts. The only thing I guess I should have added is that he has been to rehab 5 times. I am fortunate in that his father owns his own business and has been able to send him to the best rehabs. I am also unfortunate that his father owns his own business, does well, and is a worse enabler than I. I know he, too, is trying his best but he continues to provide lawyers, cars, money, and so forth. Michael was actually at his house one time when he overdosed and now his father's wife will not allow him to stay there. His father provides the means and sends him back home to me. I believe my son pawned his laptop yesterday. He has to be out of money now. He used his tax return money to purchase the drugs the last month and is not working. I guess he will go to a temp agency and work for a week, use that money, and work another week. I know there is no sense posting here and asking for help if I'm not willing to attending meetings, or if I don't even have the strength to follow the advice of others who have travelled this nightmare before me. It is just that I am a very solitary person and going to meetings is just something I dread. Plus I work two jobs and have other children. The girls are all grown but they still need to talk and visit. There isn't enough hours in the day to do everything I need to do because my son consumes all my time, even if it is just in thoughts. But again, I thank you all for your kind thoughts and words. I'll keep trying to do better.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Bren)))
Don't think you don't need to be here, because you're not ready to take the steps recommended. A lot of mom's have come here in the same place....not ready to really DO anything yet, but needing to "talk" to others who understand.
When I first found this site, I "lurked" for MONTHS before I actually signed in. I thought it was a pretty neat place, enjoyed reading, but didn't want to DO anything....I was clean and I thought that was enough.
Then I relapsed, and I lurked for several MORE months. It was this forum, that made me finally sign on and get involved. I read all the moms (and a few dads) and felt their heartache, and I thought that maybe my insight as an addict would help. Little did I know how much they could help ME with my codie issues.
I hope you stick around and at least read other posts. It helps me, tremendously, when I think I'm going crazy, to post here and find out others have gone through the same thing.
Just as he will have to hit his bottom with drugs, you will have to hit your bottom with him. I've never had anyone here tell me "you need to do this"...it's more like "when that happened with my son, this is what I did".
While I highly recommend meetings, I don't go to them. I did go to AA a few years ago and what I learned has always stuck with me. I get my support from here and a few close friends/family. People recommend them because they work, but no one will force you to go.
Stick around...you're among friends.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Don't think you don't need to be here, because you're not ready to take the steps recommended. A lot of mom's have come here in the same place....not ready to really DO anything yet, but needing to "talk" to others who understand.
When I first found this site, I "lurked" for MONTHS before I actually signed in. I thought it was a pretty neat place, enjoyed reading, but didn't want to DO anything....I was clean and I thought that was enough.
Then I relapsed, and I lurked for several MORE months. It was this forum, that made me finally sign on and get involved. I read all the moms (and a few dads) and felt their heartache, and I thought that maybe my insight as an addict would help. Little did I know how much they could help ME with my codie issues.
I hope you stick around and at least read other posts. It helps me, tremendously, when I think I'm going crazy, to post here and find out others have gone through the same thing.
Just as he will have to hit his bottom with drugs, you will have to hit your bottom with him. I've never had anyone here tell me "you need to do this"...it's more like "when that happened with my son, this is what I did".
While I highly recommend meetings, I don't go to them. I did go to AA a few years ago and what I learned has always stuck with me. I get my support from here and a few close friends/family. People recommend them because they work, but no one will force you to go.
Stick around...you're among friends.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: New York
Posts: 217
Hi Bren! My son did 47 days in jail back in jan-feb. After standing by him, supporting him, having many sleepless nights while he was in jail, etc..he came out, did well for only about a month and now has started it all up again. Once again my roller coaster ride begins. I decided I couldnt do it anymore...i was physically feeling sick. I told him to leave (he is only 21) and he has been out of the house for a week now. Fortunately for him, he stays at his fathers house. However, from what I hear, the father is growing tired of this as well. It's just a matter of time before he is thrown out of there too unless he cleans up his act. My point is, I feel so much more calm with him out of the house...i can't explain it. I'm not laying awake all night hearing him come home at all hours, I'm not worrying what he's doing everytime he walks out the door..etc. He is actually angry at ME for exposing his relapse to his dad. Can you imagine...angry at ME! Like it's my fault that he's gotten himself into this mess. Don't fear Bren, he will be just fine. And you will feel so much better knowing that he knows you wont tolerate this anymore. It's unbearable. Hugs to you..
A little south of sane
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: "For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe."
Posts: 177
I love my son and he’s currently 3.5 years clean and sober. He’s all grown up now and, on his own, has finally achieved the status of “responsible adult”. I doubt he ever would have managed to get as far as he did if I did not stop helping him.
I was a big help, I cleaned up his messes, I paid his fines, I hired attorneys and I let him live with me. I could add onto the list of helpful things I use to do but what’s the point? I almost loved my son to death by proving him an environment in which he could use.
The day I realized what I was doing, was a day…I don’t ever want to experience again, it was physically and emotionally horrible. Yet, from this point I was able to find strength I never thought I had. I made my son choose between, rehab, oxford house, halfway house or the streets and drugs because he could not live at home anymore. (This is a choice no mother should have to make.) He went to the streets and drugs and I almost died inside. I asked God to keep him in his hands because I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do to help at this point.
Was I scared he would die, yes. Was I aware he could get hurt or die---every second of every day. I also knew he would never get better at home and that I was only providing an environment in which he could use. I could not, I just could not assist my son in his own destruction.
Michael called me, he begged to come home, he told me he was cold, he was hungry and I told him he had to choose between the family or drugs. There were many phone calls, and many many days passed… but eventually one call came in that said. I am ready for rehab, I picked him up from the city curb and drove him directly to a detox and from there he went to a halfway house where he lived clean for another 10 months and then I let my sober son come home—what a difference. He lived with me for a bit and then got his own apartment and he’s been on his own for almost two years.
When I stopped helping him, he had to help himself. I had learned when I do things for him I’m also silently saying “I don’t think you can do this yourself”.
I have never turned my back on my son. I have always answered his calls, I have meet him more times out on some curb someplace and taken him for lunch. I would buy him socks, a winter coat but I would not give him anything that might feed his addiction (cash). I have always been quick to tell him how much I love him. It was the addiction I wanted gone, my son, well I wanted him back.
I am not saying what you should do, I don’t know what you should do or not do. This is just my story. There are no right or wrong answers along this path. I just ask you to ask yourself in “saving him”, could you be losing him? There are people out there in AA, Oxford houses and halfway houses who are much more qualified to guide our sons in a way that we will ever be able to achieve.
I am sorry for your troubles. I am.
Sigh
I was a big help, I cleaned up his messes, I paid his fines, I hired attorneys and I let him live with me. I could add onto the list of helpful things I use to do but what’s the point? I almost loved my son to death by proving him an environment in which he could use.
The day I realized what I was doing, was a day…I don’t ever want to experience again, it was physically and emotionally horrible. Yet, from this point I was able to find strength I never thought I had. I made my son choose between, rehab, oxford house, halfway house or the streets and drugs because he could not live at home anymore. (This is a choice no mother should have to make.) He went to the streets and drugs and I almost died inside. I asked God to keep him in his hands because I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do to help at this point.
Was I scared he would die, yes. Was I aware he could get hurt or die---every second of every day. I also knew he would never get better at home and that I was only providing an environment in which he could use. I could not, I just could not assist my son in his own destruction.
Michael called me, he begged to come home, he told me he was cold, he was hungry and I told him he had to choose between the family or drugs. There were many phone calls, and many many days passed… but eventually one call came in that said. I am ready for rehab, I picked him up from the city curb and drove him directly to a detox and from there he went to a halfway house where he lived clean for another 10 months and then I let my sober son come home—what a difference. He lived with me for a bit and then got his own apartment and he’s been on his own for almost two years.
When I stopped helping him, he had to help himself. I had learned when I do things for him I’m also silently saying “I don’t think you can do this yourself”.
I have never turned my back on my son. I have always answered his calls, I have meet him more times out on some curb someplace and taken him for lunch. I would buy him socks, a winter coat but I would not give him anything that might feed his addiction (cash). I have always been quick to tell him how much I love him. It was the addiction I wanted gone, my son, well I wanted him back.
I am not saying what you should do, I don’t know what you should do or not do. This is just my story. There are no right or wrong answers along this path. I just ask you to ask yourself in “saving him”, could you be losing him? There are people out there in AA, Oxford houses and halfway houses who are much more qualified to guide our sons in a way that we will ever be able to achieve.
I am sorry for your troubles. I am.
Sigh
A little south of sane
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: "For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe."
Posts: 177
Bren,,
I just wanted to add - i never went to meetings-they exhausted me because so many people are so angry and my nerves at that time were just not capable of being in the same room with people radiating so much emotion -so instead I did a LOT of reading of the alnon material.
sigh
I just wanted to add - i never went to meetings-they exhausted me because so many people are so angry and my nerves at that time were just not capable of being in the same room with people radiating so much emotion -so instead I did a LOT of reading of the alnon material.
sigh
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Hi Bren,
Another mom checking in! My 20 year old daughter is currently in the recovery phase and her DOC is IV dilaudid.
The first time I reached out for help was to a psychologist in private practice (his specialty is addiction). He spent the entire visit interrupting me and telling me everything I was doing wrong and that turned me away from seeking outside help for a while.
I didn't go to him because I was looking for solutions, I went to him looking for insight into addiction. I'm the kind of person that needs to have at least a basic understanding of things before I act.
After searching high and low for local meetings, I went to a few NarAnon meetings and decided it wasn't for me, at least not at that time. As with Sigh, it was sensory overload for me. There was already enough anger and pain at home and inside me, I couldn't handle any more. Another thing was that I wanted to talk and I didn't want to share the time with others. That was selfish of me but a good kind of selfish.
I found another therapist and, along with this forum, have made my way to a much better place. I'm not sure that I've ever asked for advice here, but I've certainly received it. There were many days I felt so afraid and didn't post anything, but after reading something pertinent to my own situation, I knew I would be OK.
I finally discovered detachment and serenity because something on this board triggered it. I even remember the date -- March 20.
Do whatever you need to help yourself and you're in my thoughts and prayers.
Another mom checking in! My 20 year old daughter is currently in the recovery phase and her DOC is IV dilaudid.
The first time I reached out for help was to a psychologist in private practice (his specialty is addiction). He spent the entire visit interrupting me and telling me everything I was doing wrong and that turned me away from seeking outside help for a while.
I didn't go to him because I was looking for solutions, I went to him looking for insight into addiction. I'm the kind of person that needs to have at least a basic understanding of things before I act.
After searching high and low for local meetings, I went to a few NarAnon meetings and decided it wasn't for me, at least not at that time. As with Sigh, it was sensory overload for me. There was already enough anger and pain at home and inside me, I couldn't handle any more. Another thing was that I wanted to talk and I didn't want to share the time with others. That was selfish of me but a good kind of selfish.
I found another therapist and, along with this forum, have made my way to a much better place. I'm not sure that I've ever asked for advice here, but I've certainly received it. There were many days I felt so afraid and didn't post anything, but after reading something pertinent to my own situation, I knew I would be OK.
I finally discovered detachment and serenity because something on this board triggered it. I even remember the date -- March 20.
Do whatever you need to help yourself and you're in my thoughts and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Welcome, when I first came to this site my post was similar to yours. I am the mother of a 21 AS son. We spent alot of money on private rehabs. My last count was 5 each time he relapsed. The last rehab he went to was ministry funded. We finally realized that he needed to do this himself. He has never held a job more then a week just enough to get to feed his drug habit. The hardest thing I ever did was to drop him off at a homeless shelter, of course in two weeks I let him back in. It only progressively gets worse, and they will drag you right in to the chaos. The thieving, lying, and they are masters of manipulation. We have nearly lost our son to an overdose. My biggest fear was he would die, not living in our home. In October we kicked him out. It is a slow process learning to detach and let them stand on there own feet. I have learned so much from this site, it has been a lifesaver. What I have learned from all of this is the longer we shelter them, the longer till they hit bottom. One of the members has said to me "he might never stop using" that is reality but if you pick him up before he hits bottom he will never get to the top. Reality is they could die from an overdose but it will happen with or without us around. My son has not hit bottom yet, I still worry and have some very difficult days. The truth is not having him live in our home is much easier. I dont have to listen to him pace the floor, rob us blind. Every single family holiday we have had with him he has ruined with his rudness and miserable moods. Please remember you didn' t cause it, you cant' control it, nor can you cure it. Keep reading her and speaking to the members you will learn so much. ((((hugs)))))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 20
Bren... Hi... it's BJW again.
Something you said resonated loudly in me and I want you to know I completely relate and understand. In fact I want to thank you because I see some of me in what you shared.
There are lots of days I don't want to do what has been suggested by others that I do. There are days I that I flat refuse to read or attend meetings or connect with others because I'm tired or angry or sick or depressed or happy or busy or whatever. Some days I don't want to work my program for no other reason than I just don't want to.
Someone somewhere told me that my behaviors, choices, and refusals are the exact same justifications my son uses every time he picked up a pill or a needle or a pipe. He would say he was tired or angry or sick or depressed or happy. The fact that my behaviors mirrored my son's is what convinced me to ask if maybe I was as sick as my son was. I hated it when people told me that. In fact, I resented it. Actually I still do to some degree. But the truth is when I finally got honest with myself, I began to recognize that what I was doing to myself and the way I was living was no less crazy or as deadly than what my son was doing to himself. I was big into denial and avoidance. Particularly avoidance. That's my favorite and it's been a tough one for me to admit to and work on. But it's my truth and I recognize that I have a million excuses about a lot of things.
I haven't been at this very long, but one thing I have learned is that while I am most certainly powerless over my son, my ex-husband (who also is a chronic enabler), and the rest of the planet, I am not powerless over myself. I was told I could take my power back and little by little I am.
Putting myself first and placing my needs ahead of others in my family is very difficult for me. Nevertheless, I know now that that is exactly what I have to do if I intend to live any kind of life in the land of mental and spiritual wellness.
None of this is easy. I'd be lying if I suggested it is. But I would encourage you to stay with us. There is no right way or wrong way to find recovery for ourselves. If you are uncomfortable in a group setting, then maybe a personal therapist (one who is familiar with addiction) would work. There is a lot written about addiction and there are fine recovery resources and inspirational materials. Reading is helpful.
You said you were going to try and do better. That's all any of us can do. My hope is that you'll do it together in the company of others who understand and care. We care very much.
Hang in there. It does get better.
Big (((HUGS))))
Something you said resonated loudly in me and I want you to know I completely relate and understand. In fact I want to thank you because I see some of me in what you shared.
There are lots of days I don't want to do what has been suggested by others that I do. There are days I that I flat refuse to read or attend meetings or connect with others because I'm tired or angry or sick or depressed or happy or busy or whatever. Some days I don't want to work my program for no other reason than I just don't want to.
Someone somewhere told me that my behaviors, choices, and refusals are the exact same justifications my son uses every time he picked up a pill or a needle or a pipe. He would say he was tired or angry or sick or depressed or happy. The fact that my behaviors mirrored my son's is what convinced me to ask if maybe I was as sick as my son was. I hated it when people told me that. In fact, I resented it. Actually I still do to some degree. But the truth is when I finally got honest with myself, I began to recognize that what I was doing to myself and the way I was living was no less crazy or as deadly than what my son was doing to himself. I was big into denial and avoidance. Particularly avoidance. That's my favorite and it's been a tough one for me to admit to and work on. But it's my truth and I recognize that I have a million excuses about a lot of things.
I haven't been at this very long, but one thing I have learned is that while I am most certainly powerless over my son, my ex-husband (who also is a chronic enabler), and the rest of the planet, I am not powerless over myself. I was told I could take my power back and little by little I am.
Putting myself first and placing my needs ahead of others in my family is very difficult for me. Nevertheless, I know now that that is exactly what I have to do if I intend to live any kind of life in the land of mental and spiritual wellness.
None of this is easy. I'd be lying if I suggested it is. But I would encourage you to stay with us. There is no right way or wrong way to find recovery for ourselves. If you are uncomfortable in a group setting, then maybe a personal therapist (one who is familiar with addiction) would work. There is a lot written about addiction and there are fine recovery resources and inspirational materials. Reading is helpful.
You said you were going to try and do better. That's all any of us can do. My hope is that you'll do it together in the company of others who understand and care. We care very much.
Hang in there. It does get better.
Big (((HUGS))))
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