Wife had affair with my friend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 123
Wife had affair with my friend
Hi Folks,
Some of you know my story, here's the latest piece, I just found this out a few hours ago.
My wife and I moved to GA in 2000. When we moved here she was very homesick and, of course, turned to drinking heavily. My boss at the time, also my (supposed) friend, was also a heavy drinker. AW wanted to go out and party all the time, I didn't, I was sick of seeing her drunk, loud, vomiting, etc.
Anyhow, she went out one night with this guy "to unwind and have a couple drinks" and ended up coming home about 2:00 AM. When I told her I didn't like it I was told I was being paranoid, too controlling, too insecure - to name a few. They went out 1-2 times a week for about a month.
I tried like crazy to convince myself I was being too insecure/controlling/paranoid - I wanted to believe her, and him. I tried to believe she was just trying to go out and unwind. Anytime I mentioned not liking it I got verbally chewed to bits. I came right out and told both of them it was inappropriate and asked if they were messing around - I really got chewed out this time, from both of them.
Well, I'm in the middle of a divorce and they asked about adultery. I told my lawyer I suspected but could not prove. He said I had to be able to prove it. About a week before my 'friend' commented that he'd be willing to testify in my divorce hearing and said if AW knew that she'd probably back down - he said he didn't want to go into detail.
Today I put him on the spot, told him it could be the pivotal difference in my divorce case - I asked him directly 'did you ever have sex with me wife'. After a 5 second pause he said yes. Not that I wanted to but I needed a little more info. I asked if it happened when we were married or before, it happened during my marriage. And if it happened more than once - it did.
I'm devastated, confused, I have no trust in anyone right now. My wife and best friend??? The worst part is how many years I was made to feel like I had the issues! I was right, I knew deep down I was but I didn't want to be.
I am so ready for this to be over.
Some of you know my story, here's the latest piece, I just found this out a few hours ago.
My wife and I moved to GA in 2000. When we moved here she was very homesick and, of course, turned to drinking heavily. My boss at the time, also my (supposed) friend, was also a heavy drinker. AW wanted to go out and party all the time, I didn't, I was sick of seeing her drunk, loud, vomiting, etc.
Anyhow, she went out one night with this guy "to unwind and have a couple drinks" and ended up coming home about 2:00 AM. When I told her I didn't like it I was told I was being paranoid, too controlling, too insecure - to name a few. They went out 1-2 times a week for about a month.
I tried like crazy to convince myself I was being too insecure/controlling/paranoid - I wanted to believe her, and him. I tried to believe she was just trying to go out and unwind. Anytime I mentioned not liking it I got verbally chewed to bits. I came right out and told both of them it was inappropriate and asked if they were messing around - I really got chewed out this time, from both of them.
Well, I'm in the middle of a divorce and they asked about adultery. I told my lawyer I suspected but could not prove. He said I had to be able to prove it. About a week before my 'friend' commented that he'd be willing to testify in my divorce hearing and said if AW knew that she'd probably back down - he said he didn't want to go into detail.
Today I put him on the spot, told him it could be the pivotal difference in my divorce case - I asked him directly 'did you ever have sex with me wife'. After a 5 second pause he said yes. Not that I wanted to but I needed a little more info. I asked if it happened when we were married or before, it happened during my marriage. And if it happened more than once - it did.
I'm devastated, confused, I have no trust in anyone right now. My wife and best friend??? The worst part is how many years I was made to feel like I had the issues! I was right, I knew deep down I was but I didn't want to be.
I am so ready for this to be over.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Hurts like hell I am sure.
You play it over and over in your thoughts and it hurts even more.
You blame yourself..where did I go wrong? It must be my fault.
What such thoughts will do...make it hurt even more.
So deal with the truth by accepting what we now know is truth...
We can't cause it.
We can't control it.
We can't cure it.
Don't blame yourself any more. It isn't your issue to take blame for.
Prayers are still with you. The road is rough but you will be at the end of this road soon. You will turn the corner on to a new life. You will get through this and see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Continue to deal with one issue at a time, one day at a time.
You play it over and over in your thoughts and it hurts even more.
You blame yourself..where did I go wrong? It must be my fault.
What such thoughts will do...make it hurt even more.
So deal with the truth by accepting what we now know is truth...
We can't cause it.
We can't control it.
We can't cure it.
Don't blame yourself any more. It isn't your issue to take blame for.
Prayers are still with you. The road is rough but you will be at the end of this road soon. You will turn the corner on to a new life. You will get through this and see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Continue to deal with one issue at a time, one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 369
I am so sorry. I know just how you feel. There's nothing quite like being made to feel like you're the crazy, paranoid, nagging spouse. Oh the sweet lies I've heard. Oh the rolling eyes I've seen. It's all just a part of this sickness. Like Best said, you did not cause this. You are not the one to blame here. It still feels like a sucker punch to the belly. I know it exactly.
(((HUGS))) I'm sorry you are having to go through this and peel the onion so to speak. You'd think after awhile that you would become immune to the pain but it still hurts to know how deeply you trusted and how much they DID NOT deserve it.
(((HUGS))) I'm sorry you are having to go through this and peel the onion so to speak. You'd think after awhile that you would become immune to the pain but it still hurts to know how deeply you trusted and how much they DID NOT deserve it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Oh (((((TD)))), I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I have been going through something similar with my AH. I know I felt completely gutted when I found out. Also got the line of I was too controlling, I was too whatever. It was all about me and my problems according to him and that is why he betrayed me. Now I know better. Even though I know better, even though my divorce will be final in a month it still really hurts on some days. But I am feeling stronger and happier more often. I am noticing all the blessings God has put in my path. I am now beginning a new life with new people God has put in my path and I know in my bones I am doing the right thing for my kids and me.
I am praying for you.
I am praying for you.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
What hurts more than the adulterous betrayal between your wife and your best friend is self betrayal--knowing in your gut that your partner was cheating on you, not trusting your gut and the evidence that was being handed you, yet choosing to close your eyes and look the other way and live in denial.
A co-dependent's denial is not much different that an alcoholic's denial. I knew I was being mistreated and short changed by by alcoholic boyfriend, yet I chose to put up with his behavior and accepted it as part of my life. And when I finally opened my eyes, I was angry at hell--at myself--for not valuing myself enough to walk away immediately.
I learned a lot from Alanon and SR. Most importantly, I learned that I was my own worst enemy. You've taken the necessary steps to change your life. Your divorce will bring you one step closer to peace. What difference does it make at this point who's fault it was that the marriage ended? What's important is that it's over and your suffering will soon be over, too.
Some endings are good things.
A co-dependent's denial is not much different that an alcoholic's denial. I knew I was being mistreated and short changed by by alcoholic boyfriend, yet I chose to put up with his behavior and accepted it as part of my life. And when I finally opened my eyes, I was angry at hell--at myself--for not valuing myself enough to walk away immediately.
I learned a lot from Alanon and SR. Most importantly, I learned that I was my own worst enemy. You've taken the necessary steps to change your life. Your divorce will bring you one step closer to peace. What difference does it make at this point who's fault it was that the marriage ended? What's important is that it's over and your suffering will soon be over, too.
Some endings are good things.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Prayers and hugs, TD. What a shock, but definitely plenty of lessons for you in this revelation. I hope you grow in it and gain some perspective and insight that can lead to a more peaceful, happy life for you. Try to let it out a little tonight and give your mind a rest. You deserve some special attention that only you can give yourself tonight. Coming here was a great idea.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 123
Thanks Everyone, you are all so right. Some of these posts actually made me choke up some at the harshness of the truth. It's all still a whirr right now, I know it's a positive step for me - but I sure don't feel it right now.
Thanks for the posts and especially the prayers.
Thanks for the posts and especially the prayers.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
I can surely understand the feelings of betrayal. I went through the same thing with my son's father when we were married and my best friend who just so happened to be my sister.
I had suspicions but like you, I was told that I was the one who was nuts and how could I even think such a thing. Man, I felt like $hit for even having such thoughts. . . . until I walked in on them in bed together.
I then spent months replaying different days and nights in my head, wondering . . . when was the first time? where did they meet? How often? All of those questions that I didn't need to know the answers to. Yet I kept asking myself.
I had a great friend who I confided in about all the wondering, worrying and obsessing over this. She went into her kitchen and turned on a burner to her gas stove. She then called me in there and told me to stick my hand in the fire. I looked at her like she was nuts, "why the hell would I do that? I'll burn myself!" As she turned the burner off she looked at me and said,"Then why do you keep letting your mind take you there? You know it hurts, but you keep doing it. You might as well keep sticking your hand over a hot flame. They both hurt."
She was right. I had to realize that I wasn't the one to blame, I had already been hurt by this. Why should I keep putting my hand in the flame so to speak?
Let Go and Let God. We can't change the past. Many people ask me if I have forgiven my sister. I didn't have the opportunity. Linda was an alcoholic as well. She passed away from the disease a few years later.She was lonley, lost and miserable, looking for someone, anyone to love her. After a great deal of therapy and working the Steps, I realized that it was the disease in my sister that did this. Not Linda. I have learned to forgive, I'll never forget though. There's a big difference.
God Bless and thanks for letting me share this,
Judy
I had suspicions but like you, I was told that I was the one who was nuts and how could I even think such a thing. Man, I felt like $hit for even having such thoughts. . . . until I walked in on them in bed together.
I then spent months replaying different days and nights in my head, wondering . . . when was the first time? where did they meet? How often? All of those questions that I didn't need to know the answers to. Yet I kept asking myself.
I had a great friend who I confided in about all the wondering, worrying and obsessing over this. She went into her kitchen and turned on a burner to her gas stove. She then called me in there and told me to stick my hand in the fire. I looked at her like she was nuts, "why the hell would I do that? I'll burn myself!" As she turned the burner off she looked at me and said,"Then why do you keep letting your mind take you there? You know it hurts, but you keep doing it. You might as well keep sticking your hand over a hot flame. They both hurt."
She was right. I had to realize that I wasn't the one to blame, I had already been hurt by this. Why should I keep putting my hand in the flame so to speak?
Let Go and Let God. We can't change the past. Many people ask me if I have forgiven my sister. I didn't have the opportunity. Linda was an alcoholic as well. She passed away from the disease a few years later.She was lonley, lost and miserable, looking for someone, anyone to love her. After a great deal of therapy and working the Steps, I realized that it was the disease in my sister that did this. Not Linda. I have learned to forgive, I'll never forget though. There's a big difference.
God Bless and thanks for letting me share this,
Judy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 38
I am so sorry. The same happened to me as well, infidelity between my AW and my friend. I remember it was like my whole sense of reality was ripped away from me when I found out. You didn't deserve that sort of double betrayal, and you will get through this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 126
I'm so sorry. I've had little tasters of this kind of betrayal through my life but nothing of this scale.
Surround yourself with healthy people and good things, and when it's all over don't look back.:ghug3
Surround yourself with healthy people and good things, and when it's all over don't look back.:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I can only imagine how painful it was for you to hear those words. Gentle hugs and prayers to you.......you will survive this. In fact, you will survive this better than those who betrayed you.
After a terrible betrayal by my brother (I won't get into it), I kept telling myself these words over and over and over again. Success is the sweetest revenge. And I have succeeded. I hold no anger towards him now because I didn't let his betrayal destroy me. I have succeeded. And success feels really good. (It was a family business issue.)
(I also played that song "I get knocked DOWN but I get UP again....you're never gonna keep me down!" as LOUD as my ears could take it. It helped me.)
After a terrible betrayal by my brother (I won't get into it), I kept telling myself these words over and over and over again. Success is the sweetest revenge. And I have succeeded. I hold no anger towards him now because I didn't let his betrayal destroy me. I have succeeded. And success feels really good. (It was a family business issue.)
(I also played that song "I get knocked DOWN but I get UP again....you're never gonna keep me down!" as LOUD as my ears could take it. It helped me.)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
(((TD))) You know I've had similar problems with my AH. In going through the responses to you here, I have to say I noticed the very thing I still struggle with- the fact that my gut was telling me something very strongly, but I didn't want to believe it. I got the eye-rolling, the denials and anger, the impatience with my feelings of hurt and betrayal- all the crap that they throw at you to make you look like the crazy, non-trusting spouse. I now know better. I don't trust my AH- and there's a very good reason for that. He is just not deserving of trust, and nothing he says makes that different. Actions speak louder than words. At the very least your feelings should have been respected when you brought up your concerns when this was all going on. The anger, the over reacting- all red flags. I am sorry you are dealing with this- it's so hard. Please continue to take care of yourself. I know you've struggled with your AW regarding custody issues and her accusations. IMHO things will all work out the way they should- and you'll be at peace and in a much better place. Take care.
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