Intro, lots of anxiety, how to deal?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2
Intro, lots of anxiety, how to deal?
Hi, I'm new here, this is my first post. I have lurked for a few weeks but not sure of all acronymns yet so please forgive me as I fumble through things a bit.
Background: My husband and I have been struggling with my 19 year old stepson whom we believe is an alcoholic (and probably addicted to/abusing other substances as well). This has been going on for several years now although has really escalated in the last 1 and 1/2 years where he has been arrested a couple of times for offenses involved alcohol, lost jobs, school issues (almost did not graduate HS). Stepson (SS) does not believe he has a serious issue although he has been attempting the relocation solution, moved in with his Mom and got arrested within a few months, moved back with us and same types of troubles, then moved to another state to live with my husband's sister, i.e., SS's Aunt and now, of course, is getting into trouble again. Aunt is pretty much on the verge of kicking him out. It's awful.
In a lot of ways, I'm personally somewhat removed from the situation. My husband is on the front lines, he has had custody of his son since he was only 2 years old and has raised him essentially by himself. I married my husband when SS was nearly 17, so I've only been on the scene a couple of years and really, am not all THAT close to SS. Also, since SS is currently living in another state that also makes me feel pretty distant/removed from the situation. However, it's all still definitely having an impact on me.
I think the biggest issue is my anxiety level is through the roof. I feel constantly on edge. My husband also has a daughter (13) and we have a baby boy together, our son who is only 1 year. I find myself constantly worried that our other children may end up heading down a similar destructive path. I'm always worrying/wondering about how to insure we do the 'right' things with them so they don't end up like SS. I know that probably sounds horrible but that is how I feel. I am also worried about my husband and question how he is handling the situation, sometimes he seems almost *too* disengaged from what his happening with his son. I know they say it's best to not jump in and save them but sometimes I feel like 'how can you not jump on a plane right now and go try and help this kid?!??!'
Anyway, lots of info and questions. I'll stop here otherwise I'll go on and on and on. I feel I have no one to speak to about this, don't want to worry family and friends just don't understand. My husband and I have gone to a couple of Al-anon meetings and that is helpful, although a bit tough for us to get to with the other kids...
Thanks for reading.
Background: My husband and I have been struggling with my 19 year old stepson whom we believe is an alcoholic (and probably addicted to/abusing other substances as well). This has been going on for several years now although has really escalated in the last 1 and 1/2 years where he has been arrested a couple of times for offenses involved alcohol, lost jobs, school issues (almost did not graduate HS). Stepson (SS) does not believe he has a serious issue although he has been attempting the relocation solution, moved in with his Mom and got arrested within a few months, moved back with us and same types of troubles, then moved to another state to live with my husband's sister, i.e., SS's Aunt and now, of course, is getting into trouble again. Aunt is pretty much on the verge of kicking him out. It's awful.
In a lot of ways, I'm personally somewhat removed from the situation. My husband is on the front lines, he has had custody of his son since he was only 2 years old and has raised him essentially by himself. I married my husband when SS was nearly 17, so I've only been on the scene a couple of years and really, am not all THAT close to SS. Also, since SS is currently living in another state that also makes me feel pretty distant/removed from the situation. However, it's all still definitely having an impact on me.
I think the biggest issue is my anxiety level is through the roof. I feel constantly on edge. My husband also has a daughter (13) and we have a baby boy together, our son who is only 1 year. I find myself constantly worried that our other children may end up heading down a similar destructive path. I'm always worrying/wondering about how to insure we do the 'right' things with them so they don't end up like SS. I know that probably sounds horrible but that is how I feel. I am also worried about my husband and question how he is handling the situation, sometimes he seems almost *too* disengaged from what his happening with his son. I know they say it's best to not jump in and save them but sometimes I feel like 'how can you not jump on a plane right now and go try and help this kid?!??!'
Anyway, lots of info and questions. I'll stop here otherwise I'll go on and on and on. I feel I have no one to speak to about this, don't want to worry family and friends just don't understand. My husband and I have gone to a couple of Al-anon meetings and that is helpful, although a bit tough for us to get to with the other kids...
Thanks for reading.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome.....SR is a wonderful forum.
Dealing with alcoholism in a young adult is very difficult (my son is an alcoholic/addict). It affects everyone in the family. I am very familiar with the anxiety that results from their behavior.
Going to Alanon is great but if you can't go regularly, get the literature and read. Read read read read read and educate yourself about the alcoholism and co-dependence. There's a great list of reading material in the stickies at the beginning of this forum. You'll soon realize that being anxious about something isn't going to change it. If anything, it amplifies the problem (and makes you feel icky and tired).
I watched my A son fall into alcoholism and addiction for ten years. I worried. I obsessed. I intervened. I protected. I yelled. I confronted. I threatened. I threw him out. I took him back in. I didn't sleep. I begged. I did just about everything wrong you can possibly imagine. (He is now 26 and in recovery.)
Find your center. Enjoy your young children. Drug addiction and alcoholism.....you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. The serenity prayer says it all.........acceptance, change, and wisdom.
gentle hugs
Dealing with alcoholism in a young adult is very difficult (my son is an alcoholic/addict). It affects everyone in the family. I am very familiar with the anxiety that results from their behavior.
Going to Alanon is great but if you can't go regularly, get the literature and read. Read read read read read and educate yourself about the alcoholism and co-dependence. There's a great list of reading material in the stickies at the beginning of this forum. You'll soon realize that being anxious about something isn't going to change it. If anything, it amplifies the problem (and makes you feel icky and tired).
I watched my A son fall into alcoholism and addiction for ten years. I worried. I obsessed. I intervened. I protected. I yelled. I confronted. I threatened. I threw him out. I took him back in. I didn't sleep. I begged. I did just about everything wrong you can possibly imagine. (He is now 26 and in recovery.)
Find your center. Enjoy your young children. Drug addiction and alcoholism.....you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. The serenity prayer says it all.........acceptance, change, and wisdom.
gentle hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2
Thanks for your reply, Kindeyes, I'm sorry to hear about your son although very glad to hear he is in recovery. I can only hope that my Stepson will someday make his way toward recovery, although right now that unfortunately seems like a very distant fantasy.
Do you have a recommendation for a good 'first' read for a newbie like me? I checked out some of the stickys but all the info, it's a bit overwhelming right now, I'm not sure where to focus. Is there a particular book you would recommend, esp when dealing with a (step)child?
Thanks again for your post and thoughts.
Do you have a recommendation for a good 'first' read for a newbie like me? I checked out some of the stickys but all the info, it's a bit overwhelming right now, I'm not sure where to focus. Is there a particular book you would recommend, esp when dealing with a (step)child?
Thanks again for your post and thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I find the daily reading books from Alanon very helpful (One day at a time in Alanon is one that comes to mind).
Love First: A New Approach to Intervention is a good book if you would like to know more about intervention.
Under the Influence: A guide to the myths and Realities of Alcoholism provides a great understanding of the disease model of alcoholism.
All of the books from Alanon are fabulous.
Drinking - A love story by Caroline Knapp is one that I just finished. She describes the process of addiction in her life and what brought her to recovery.
Quite honestly, when I first started reading, I went to Amazon and typed in addiction and started reading reviews. I bought the books with the best reviews.
One of the solutions to the Alanon attendance issue is for you and your husband to go separately and the other one take care (and spend special time) with the other kids. I know if feels awkward to go to the meetings alone at first......but it gets easier.
As for my son........we did an intervention. The intervention was very hard. Driving him to the recovery center and dropping him off there was very painful. Seeing him sober was wonderful. Watching him relapse was heartbreaking. Hearing him say the words "I need help".....and going back to treatment was wonderful.
The MOST important thing I got from him going to treatment was beginning MY recovery. Recognizing the behaviors that I had that aided him in his addictions. I am changing myself......I am no longer trying to govern his life. That's the best thing that happened for both of us.
gentle hugs
Love First: A New Approach to Intervention is a good book if you would like to know more about intervention.
Under the Influence: A guide to the myths and Realities of Alcoholism provides a great understanding of the disease model of alcoholism.
All of the books from Alanon are fabulous.
Drinking - A love story by Caroline Knapp is one that I just finished. She describes the process of addiction in her life and what brought her to recovery.
Quite honestly, when I first started reading, I went to Amazon and typed in addiction and started reading reviews. I bought the books with the best reviews.
One of the solutions to the Alanon attendance issue is for you and your husband to go separately and the other one take care (and spend special time) with the other kids. I know if feels awkward to go to the meetings alone at first......but it gets easier.
As for my son........we did an intervention. The intervention was very hard. Driving him to the recovery center and dropping him off there was very painful. Seeing him sober was wonderful. Watching him relapse was heartbreaking. Hearing him say the words "I need help".....and going back to treatment was wonderful.
The MOST important thing I got from him going to treatment was beginning MY recovery. Recognizing the behaviors that I had that aided him in his addictions. I am changing myself......I am no longer trying to govern his life. That's the best thing that happened for both of us.
gentle hugs
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Join Date: Aug 2004
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Welcome to SR anxioussm! So glad that you found us! Please check out the stickies at the top of the forum as there is a wealth of information there that will aid in supporting you. Please know that you are not alone in this and have come to an amazing community forum!
I know that my Al-Anon group has baby sitting while the meeting is going on- you may want to check into that?
Prayers to you!
I know that my Al-Anon group has baby sitting while the meeting is going on- you may want to check into that?
Prayers to you!
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