An Open Letter to my Mother for Mother's Day
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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An Open Letter to my Mother for Mother's Day
Dear Mom,
Well, it’s been almost five months since I stormed out of the house after you told me that you basically wiped yourself out buying Bart (your alcoholic son) a place to live. Here we are coming up on Mother’s Day and I have a few things that I’d like to say to you.
I’ve been thinking about some of the things that you said over the couple of months that you were working the deal to buy him the house. I should be REALLY mad, but I just feel sad that you’ve allowed yourself to be sucked into his distorted version of reality. You think if you just throw enough money at him and wait long enough that he will somehow get better. That’s just not going to happen, Mom. Gram tried to tell you that and so did I, but you just keep letting yourself get sucked into that black hole.
I remember how you told me that Bart really hated my husband. Why? Because he never patted Bart on the back and told him what a great job he was doing. I don’t think I even had anything to say in response to this because it was so ridiculous and so typical of his “all about me” attitude. After thinking about this comment, I sort of feel that you were basically trying to tell me that we weren’t welcome at your house any longer. Not a problem.
I also remember the birthday dinner that I had for you last fall. You acted like you couldn’t wait to get out of our house and get the hell away from all of us. Were you afraid that you would spill the beans about buying him the house? I feel like a fool now for even making the effort to have the dinner for you, but I believe I did the right thing.
I couldn’t get you to come to our new house after we moved because you were “scared” to travel that far, yet one day I found you in the mall fifteen minutes away from us. That hurt. It was even a fight to get a commitment from you to come for Christmas. It’s pretty clear to me now that you were just not that interested in me any more. I don’t offer the drama that Bart does, do I? That’s pretty exciting stuff for you, isn’t it? Rescuing the drunk gives you a reason to get up in the morning.
I have my days, but for the most part, I’m not really mad at you anymore. Mostly I just feel sad. I think you are just as addicted to fixing him as he is addicted to alcohol. I don’t really miss you either. I miss the mother that I had before fixing him became your reason for existence, but not what you have become. I am very sorry that you allowed him to hijack this family and turn it upside down. I hope that someday you can find the intestinal fortitude to make him stand on his own two feet and figure things out for himself, but I won’t hold my breath. No matter what happens though, I’m afraid our relationship will never be the same.
In the meantime, Happy Mother’s Day.
Love,
Your Daughter
The Good Child
Well, it’s been almost five months since I stormed out of the house after you told me that you basically wiped yourself out buying Bart (your alcoholic son) a place to live. Here we are coming up on Mother’s Day and I have a few things that I’d like to say to you.
I’ve been thinking about some of the things that you said over the couple of months that you were working the deal to buy him the house. I should be REALLY mad, but I just feel sad that you’ve allowed yourself to be sucked into his distorted version of reality. You think if you just throw enough money at him and wait long enough that he will somehow get better. That’s just not going to happen, Mom. Gram tried to tell you that and so did I, but you just keep letting yourself get sucked into that black hole.
I remember how you told me that Bart really hated my husband. Why? Because he never patted Bart on the back and told him what a great job he was doing. I don’t think I even had anything to say in response to this because it was so ridiculous and so typical of his “all about me” attitude. After thinking about this comment, I sort of feel that you were basically trying to tell me that we weren’t welcome at your house any longer. Not a problem.
I also remember the birthday dinner that I had for you last fall. You acted like you couldn’t wait to get out of our house and get the hell away from all of us. Were you afraid that you would spill the beans about buying him the house? I feel like a fool now for even making the effort to have the dinner for you, but I believe I did the right thing.
I couldn’t get you to come to our new house after we moved because you were “scared” to travel that far, yet one day I found you in the mall fifteen minutes away from us. That hurt. It was even a fight to get a commitment from you to come for Christmas. It’s pretty clear to me now that you were just not that interested in me any more. I don’t offer the drama that Bart does, do I? That’s pretty exciting stuff for you, isn’t it? Rescuing the drunk gives you a reason to get up in the morning.
I have my days, but for the most part, I’m not really mad at you anymore. Mostly I just feel sad. I think you are just as addicted to fixing him as he is addicted to alcohol. I don’t really miss you either. I miss the mother that I had before fixing him became your reason for existence, but not what you have become. I am very sorry that you allowed him to hijack this family and turn it upside down. I hope that someday you can find the intestinal fortitude to make him stand on his own two feet and figure things out for himself, but I won’t hold my breath. No matter what happens though, I’m afraid our relationship will never be the same.
In the meantime, Happy Mother’s Day.
Love,
Your Daughter
The Good Child
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Hi Shadowood,
That is a complete description of what my Mom did to my brother and Dad let her do it. My brother was so co-dependent on them to bail him out of jail, money problems, and other things that when they both were gone...he told me he didn't have anyone to depend on anymore...he was 63 years old...I was shocked...as it was he did not return to work after our Dad died so existed on yard sales and the portioin of his part of the Estate and rented out bedrooms in the five bedroom family home to street people and alcoholics & drug users.
I live across state from there so didn't know all that was happening...I also am an alcoholic and have been sober for 20 years in July 2008. I had to get a lawyer and evict my brother and his buddies from the home so I could clean it out and get it ready to sell.
What an experience...I still shake my head when I think about it.
I felt somewhat the same way about my Mom always rescuing my brother and not letting him stand on his own two feet...he is a 66 year old bum right now but he thinks he is better than that....is detoxing off of methametaphine and still using alcohol for the withdrawal.
kelsh
That is a complete description of what my Mom did to my brother and Dad let her do it. My brother was so co-dependent on them to bail him out of jail, money problems, and other things that when they both were gone...he told me he didn't have anyone to depend on anymore...he was 63 years old...I was shocked...as it was he did not return to work after our Dad died so existed on yard sales and the portioin of his part of the Estate and rented out bedrooms in the five bedroom family home to street people and alcoholics & drug users.
I live across state from there so didn't know all that was happening...I also am an alcoholic and have been sober for 20 years in July 2008. I had to get a lawyer and evict my brother and his buddies from the home so I could clean it out and get it ready to sell.
What an experience...I still shake my head when I think about it.
I felt somewhat the same way about my Mom always rescuing my brother and not letting him stand on his own two feet...he is a 66 year old bum right now but he thinks he is better than that....is detoxing off of methametaphine and still using alcohol for the withdrawal.
kelsh
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I totally understand from more than one perspective. There was a time when I was in the middle of the disease and I didn't have my own program of recovery. I thought it was my duty AND my responsibility to take care of him, to cushion his falls, to lessen the pain of his consequences. It was, after all, how I was raised ~ to be a card carrying co dependent and to put everyone elses' needs before my own.
THEN I started to learn about recovery, and to establish some boundaries, and to learn about powerlessness
I did pretty well with that for awhile.... but then it was my SON who started acting out. There was a brief period of time where I seemingly forgot everything I ever learned about recovery and choices and consequences and life lessons... because it was my SON.
THEN I hit my bottom... AGAIN... and I started working on myself and my recovery again. I thank God every day that I got back to a good place quicker, and that I knew where to go ~ Al Anon!
Detaching is a difficult thing. It's so incredibly contrary to what sounds and feels right -but it's the best thing to do for all concerned.
Your mom will figure it out when she does, and not a moment before. All you can really do is to love her and let her find her way. Just like you do with your brother.
Hugs
Cats
THEN I started to learn about recovery, and to establish some boundaries, and to learn about powerlessness
I did pretty well with that for awhile.... but then it was my SON who started acting out. There was a brief period of time where I seemingly forgot everything I ever learned about recovery and choices and consequences and life lessons... because it was my SON.
THEN I hit my bottom... AGAIN... and I started working on myself and my recovery again. I thank God every day that I got back to a good place quicker, and that I knew where to go ~ Al Anon!
Detaching is a difficult thing. It's so incredibly contrary to what sounds and feels right -but it's the best thing to do for all concerned.
Your mom will figure it out when she does, and not a moment before. All you can really do is to love her and let her find her way. Just like you do with your brother.
Hugs
Cats
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