wish he'd quit

AH and I have been together for 10 years now and married for 8. He has had drinking issues from the very beginning, but has quit 2x staying sober for a year each time. He may have been sober but the verbal abuse continued on occassion. AH has never hit me but there is a history of sexual abuse as well. It happened once when we were first together then a similar incident at the end of last year. Both times he did it when he was drunk. I minimalized what happened by saying he didn't mean it that way. Well no more.

Here lately I have standing up to his manipulation and abusive ways. This is not sitting well with him. He is a functioning alcoholic so he is not getting that he has a problem. Tonight he started questioning me about the way that I have been acting lately. He says he has every reason to suspect that I am having an affair. But to him having a guy friend is having an affair. Then he starts in on how I didn't invite him to go to my grandmas for Mothers Day which is across state. Of course I didnt. He cant go with out drinking. I wanted to get together with my family and a friend of mine and he is to possessive to let the friend thing happen. I havent seen or talked to her in some time, but he is under the assumption that I am going on a "man hunt." I did tell him that I think he drinks like a fish and is verbally abusive. SO he says " Well if I quit drinking and being verbally abusive then you will become the perfect house wife?" I told him he just didn't get it. One has nothing to do with the other. He doesnt get that nobody can make him drink or quit for that matter. I have also realized that he is not directly to blame for my lack of house work. I did blame him for a long time saying that I was frustrated. In reality I checked out of things as a coping mechanism. This was my own doing and choice I guess you could say, in response to what he has done. I hope I said all that right. Anywys sorry for writing a book. I sure do feel better now. I'm gonna call my maybe-attorney tomorrow and see what I need to do for documentation for things. I have a feeling it is all going to blow here soon.

laurie6781

W-H-Q I am glad you have SR. It is a great place.

What are you doing for YOU? Have you tried Alanon? or Private Counseling? Either one or both can be a great asset in getting you to work on you, figure out you, figure out why you were drawn to an 'addictive personality' type, etc.

Yes, you have probably withdrawn more and more and thus the housework and possibly other 'stuff' has gone to pot so to speak.

Alanon and/or counseling can help you to learn new coping skills. How to set boundaries and stick to them. You will be reminded a lot of the 3 C's:

You didn't CAUSE it,

You can't CONTROL it, and

You can't CURE it.

"It" being whatever the problem of the moment is.

You know by now that we are here for you. Please feel free to vent, rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh. We've all been there.

We'll walk with you, so.....................please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we really care a lot!

Love and hugs,

peaceteach

You sound pretty good to me, even if you don't feel it right now. I agree with Laurie, keep posting and keep moving forward. Change is scary, but often in a good way

wish he'd quit

Thank you both for your replies. Shortly after I made this post it did get ugly here. AH got mad because I refused to give him sex. I have kinda posted about this over the last few days. Anyways... he punched the wall. He layed in bed after that and cried. I decided to lay down about 5 or so and here he comes waking me up to talk an hour later. He kept asking if I wanted to get a divorce. I kinda skirted around the question because I didnt want to set him off any more than he already was. He then told me that my housekeeping is what made him the most mad. I can accept that he is mad about it because it really is lacking. He said that my housekeeping is what made him be verbally abusive. Well I called that one like it was. I told him that there is no excuse in this world that can justify him being abusive in any way. Then he tried to guilt me into trying to work it out, saying "The kids the kids. I just don't want them to have to grow up with step parents." Well I would think that would be the least of his worries. To him it wasnt about him getting healthy or dealing with his issues. He was worried that I was going to tell the kids it was his fault and the kids having step parents. So as soon as businesses start opening up I am calling my maybe lawyer, our family doctor and my counselor. I was supposed to have a neurologist appointment today but I don't know that I am going to make that either.

SO for now he has left someplace unknown. I dont care as long as it isnt here. I need to get a few things done and some things together. I don't know what will happen but I can tell you that something is going to happen. Thanks everyone for the thoughts and prayers. I really appreciate it. I will post later if I can.

Laan

Been in a similar situation - they leave - your relieved, but still nervous, because you know something's gonna happen.

May The Lord be with you! I pray that it doesn't turn ugly - as it usually does. try to be calm if it does though hey.

Good luck!

Barbara52

If he continues to get 'ugly" remember you have a right to protect yourself and call the police or get a protective order if you feel it is necessary. Keep yourself and your kids safe.

Bernadette

"Anywys sorry for writing a book. I sure do feel better now"

Please don't apologize for that! Some of us (like me!!) need a lot of words to express ourselves!

Sounds like things are heating up over there. Please do take care of yourself. Try to stay calm - when he's going off just think about the duck quacking - that's all he's doing - quacking. Behavior is what matters - talk is bupkis with the alcoholic.

Great you have a plan for today! Try to stick with your plan.

btw what's the deal with the housework? You guys have some agreement that the housework is all your responsibility? My mom was the WORST at all things domestic. When it reached a level of critical mass (attack of the 20" dust bunny!) she finally hired a series of college girls to come once a week or once every two weeks to help clean up. Our house (5 kids!) was NEVER perfect - but manageable.

She actually said that her part time job when we were small was to pay for housecleaning and she was very happy with that. Work and getting paid she loved. Housecleaning - not so much! And she taught us kids to each do our share. My alcoholic father didn't seem to care either way, but he was relatively neat and helpful (high functioning - at first anyway).

So unless hubby is ready to divvy up the chores I would tell him to just back way the hell off and that you're doing the best you can. If its really an issue for you then there's a perfect place to put your focus on you! Get some help (either mental or physical!!) I think someone mentioned FLYLady.com to you once? She's great - because - its unbeleivably similar to what addicts go through I'm tellin you- it's like- don't picture the whole big mess of your house and how overwheliming it is - just set your timer for ten minutes and tackle one thing (kitchen sink? bathroom? change sheets?). You can do something for 10 minutes that might seem unbearable for longer. Timer buzzes, just stop. She also talks about cleaning as "blessing" your home which I think is helpful too...anyway - one dust bunny at a time.

See? I wrote a novel too!
Hope you have a better day wish he'd quit--
Peace,
B.

Shivaya

Wish He'd Quit,

I'm thinking about you today and hoping that you are remaining strong. Please keep us posted,


Shivaya

i4getsm

Gosh, how scary. I hope you are protecting yourself. What grownup man still punches walls??? God blessed him with two hands, didn't he? He can get to cleaning himself if it ticks him off so much. Do NOT take that as a reason. No WAY!!! These are just excuses for the craziness called alcoholism.

Definitely talk to a lawyer. Sounds to me like you need protection. (((PRAYERS))) I hope you are okay tonight.

baileyboop

praying for you situation. definitely contact an attorney or whoever you need to get some peace for yourself.

hadenoughnow

I'll be perfectly honest here, I had the same problems with my STBXAH and because of that have issues with the whole detachment concept. IME very few A's sit idly by while we detach and go to meetings, seek counseling and try to get our lives and minds in order. Many of them will do ANYTHING to protect their addiction and maintain the staus quo and change can push situations in the direction of abuse quickly. Be careful and don't be afraid to ask for help. Let the A know you will not tolerate any abuse.

lexusgirl

Great point had. I lived with xabf for over a month and totally detached from him. Kicked him out of the bedroom and we pretty much didn't talk at all. He really started to become frustrated with me as I wouldn't "take him back," and started to hit things and slam doors.

You're in my thoughts and prayers wish:ghug2

wish he'd quit

Sorry it took me so long to update again. We told my son who is 5 and he took it better than I thougt he would but it is going to take alot of fear squelching from us for him to stay this way. AH told him and I have to say he did a really good job of telling him. I think ds's biggest fear is not being able to see or talk to one of us any time he wants. So I sat down with him and we made a list of numbers for him so he can call anyone any time he wants.

AH has done a complete 360. He stayed sober yesteray and all day today. Well so far anyways. He has basically been crying the whole time. He is SO afraid of losing everything he has and being left with all the bills. I would never do any of that. If he lost his home then my kids would be losing one of theirs. I give him that he worked hard for what he has and I just wouldnt feel right taking it away from him.

The kids and I are going to my grandmothers tonight so I will update again when I get back. Hope you all have a great week end and thank you all so much for the support!

Beachbum2856

I think that's a good start, not to invite him to your grandma's. At some point they have to learn that their drinking/using is not welcomed everywhere they go. There has to be a point of enough is enough.

I went through that same thing, and just taking the baby-steps to do what you did takes courage and commitment. I'm proud of you.