At A Crossroad
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 11
At A Crossroad
I have been with my boyfriend for over 10 years and believe that he has a serious drinking problem. In the first few years, many of the things we did together involved drinking. About 5 years ago, I moved to a different city – a job opportunity - and the plan was that my bf would clear his debts, clean himself up and join me for a fresh start. He did sort out his financial affairs and I thought he had his drinking under control but because of his work wanted me to return to him which I did.
During the time we were apart, I stopped drinking completely and now have a drink only on rare occasions.
My bf drinks everyday and has occasional binges. I have told him that I do not like the person he becomes when he drinks, that drinking is a deal breaker in our relationship, that I cannot watch himself slowly destroy himself. He responds by saying that I always knew that he drank, that I am trying to change him, and to stop making such a big deal about it . . . but he will try. Things are ok for a few days and then something happens – a bad day at work, a good day at work, a football game, etc. and he starts drinking again. I do see the pattern.
When he is sober he says all of the right things and reassures me so that I do sometimes think there could be a future with this man.
We have plans to get married. I have serious misgivings and last night told him that I thought we should postpone the wedding. He has been holding on to the wedding like a lifeline and thinks that all will be better once we make that final commitment. I suspect things will get worse if we are married—certainly I will feel more trapped. I am at a loss. I find it difficult to ‘abandon’ him after all of these years and effort. I am concerned about his inevitable downward spiral. I find it hard to give up the dream even though the reality is so different.
During the time we were apart, I stopped drinking completely and now have a drink only on rare occasions.
My bf drinks everyday and has occasional binges. I have told him that I do not like the person he becomes when he drinks, that drinking is a deal breaker in our relationship, that I cannot watch himself slowly destroy himself. He responds by saying that I always knew that he drank, that I am trying to change him, and to stop making such a big deal about it . . . but he will try. Things are ok for a few days and then something happens – a bad day at work, a good day at work, a football game, etc. and he starts drinking again. I do see the pattern.
When he is sober he says all of the right things and reassures me so that I do sometimes think there could be a future with this man.
We have plans to get married. I have serious misgivings and last night told him that I thought we should postpone the wedding. He has been holding on to the wedding like a lifeline and thinks that all will be better once we make that final commitment. I suspect things will get worse if we are married—certainly I will feel more trapped. I am at a loss. I find it difficult to ‘abandon’ him after all of these years and effort. I am concerned about his inevitable downward spiral. I find it hard to give up the dream even though the reality is so different.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
You are very wise to have your misgivings today about the wedding. Postpone it, if at least for today (as in one day at a time) and spend some time here reading the life experiences of others who have walked down the aisle with their alcoholic even when they knew it might be a big mistake. You have invested 10 years trying to make this work but are realizing that things are not going to change. Please stay here today and read, read, read, and allow yourself to TRUST that what you are reading is exactly what will happen to you if you marry your boyfriend. I just cannot say that enough. The same story is told here every day with the same results. So glad you are here! Welcome 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Hi Firebird
Welcome from a fellow Brit!
I'm relatively new here but have found SR an incredible place of support. I've just left my ex.
No one can tell you what to do but from your post it sounds like intuition may be telling you something? Does he want to stop - do you think he will? You can't make him.
I worry about that, I feel I am the only one that can look after him, to help him. But thats my dependency issues rearing. I have to remind myself he is a grown man who can make his own choices.
Please stick around.
x
Welcome from a fellow Brit!
I'm relatively new here but have found SR an incredible place of support. I've just left my ex.
No one can tell you what to do but from your post it sounds like intuition may be telling you something? Does he want to stop - do you think he will? You can't make him.
I am concerned about his inevitable downward spiral.
Please stick around.
x
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by firebird 
We have plans to get married. I have serious misgivings and last night told him that I thought we should postpone the wedding. He has been holding on to the wedding like a lifeline and thinks that all will be better once we make that final commitment. I suspect things will get worse if we are married—certainly I will feel more trapped. I am at a loss. I find it difficult to ‘abandon’ him after all of these years and effort. I am concerned about his inevitable downward spiral. I find it hard to give up the dream even though the reality is so different.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
When he is sober he says all of the right things and reassures me so that I do sometimes think there could be a future with this man.
This falls under the "nothing gets in the way of their drinking" behavior.
It took me a long time to understand this.
But it means that they will kick in the super amazing bf behavior, charm, energy, for a day or a week or whatever amt. of time they feel will get you off their back enough so they can just continue their drinking.
Pay attention only to his behavior. Not his words. Someone once said it's like turning the mute button on--just watch what he DOES. That'll tell you everything you need to know.
Anyone who binge drinks and says "you're trying to change me" when you point out how much they are drinking is probably an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.
Now love is meant to be progressive too, right? To grow and deepen over time. But in a marriage to an alcoholic the alcohol will win out EVERY TIME. Beleieve it. And the love will suffer and not progress. Think long and hard before you make any kind of legal commitment to this person. Fighting about drinking, feeling stonewalled when you ask a partner to change something that's bothering you without even considering, hey this person loves me, maybe I should humble myself and listen, these are all really bad signs for someone's availability to participate in a lifelong growing love relationship.....be careful with YOUR HEART!! It is precious, and worth treating with respect!!!
Peace,
B.
This falls under the "nothing gets in the way of their drinking" behavior.
It took me a long time to understand this.
But it means that they will kick in the super amazing bf behavior, charm, energy, for a day or a week or whatever amt. of time they feel will get you off their back enough so they can just continue their drinking.
Pay attention only to his behavior. Not his words. Someone once said it's like turning the mute button on--just watch what he DOES. That'll tell you everything you need to know.
Anyone who binge drinks and says "you're trying to change me" when you point out how much they are drinking is probably an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.
Now love is meant to be progressive too, right? To grow and deepen over time. But in a marriage to an alcoholic the alcohol will win out EVERY TIME. Beleieve it. And the love will suffer and not progress. Think long and hard before you make any kind of legal commitment to this person. Fighting about drinking, feeling stonewalled when you ask a partner to change something that's bothering you without even considering, hey this person loves me, maybe I should humble myself and listen, these are all really bad signs for someone's availability to participate in a lifelong growing love relationship.....be careful with YOUR HEART!! It is precious, and worth treating with respect!!!
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Larwill, IN
Posts: 22
Oh WOW! That post just so described my AH of almost six years. Sadly, he is only 25 and already reached this point. He does the whole staying home and semi-doing things around the house. Then, once he's got the chance...he's gone and stays out drinking half or all the night. He'll come in all stinking like alcohol and tell me he "passed out" at a friend's house or some line of crap. I don't even get outwardly mad about it anymore. Figure it's easier and less fighting to drop it.
A few months ago, the typical happened, and I threw him out. It was a bad, bad fight. Unfortunately, I was willing to say anything to **** him off bad enough to make him leave. It is not the first time he's put his hands on me, but first time in about four years. Only other time he was either pinning me down cause I was freaking out on him or the time he choked me cause I was slapping him out of a drunk stupor. For the record, I'm not condoning or excusing those actions.
He was gone for a month, staying about a mile away at his female "friend's" house. I to this day don't know the extent of their "relationship," but know he's cheated on me before with at least three other women. I let him come back cause I couldn't take the stress of him being at this chick's house, let alone him nearly losing his job. He was warned by his boss before going on shut-down for a week that his job was in jeopardy, so I asked him to come home. The first day back, he quit/got fired...not 100% on what really happened.
I'm always hearing about how I'm trying to "change" him and how he was "like this when we got together." Yeah well, he wasn't THIS bad. And while he doesn't drink regularly, when he does...we all run in the other direction. He is not violent (unless someone pisses him off) but he is very negative and hostile. I've so hoped, like other mothers, that the kids didn't know how bad it was. In the last month, I've had all three of my school-aged children's teachers ask if "something is different at home," based on the kid's declining behavior and performance. I'm so at a loss as to what to do. I keep reading that they are better off with me raising them alone than in this situation, but I don't know how kicking him out again will make it any better.
A few months ago, the typical happened, and I threw him out. It was a bad, bad fight. Unfortunately, I was willing to say anything to **** him off bad enough to make him leave. It is not the first time he's put his hands on me, but first time in about four years. Only other time he was either pinning me down cause I was freaking out on him or the time he choked me cause I was slapping him out of a drunk stupor. For the record, I'm not condoning or excusing those actions.
He was gone for a month, staying about a mile away at his female "friend's" house. I to this day don't know the extent of their "relationship," but know he's cheated on me before with at least three other women. I let him come back cause I couldn't take the stress of him being at this chick's house, let alone him nearly losing his job. He was warned by his boss before going on shut-down for a week that his job was in jeopardy, so I asked him to come home. The first day back, he quit/got fired...not 100% on what really happened.
I'm always hearing about how I'm trying to "change" him and how he was "like this when we got together." Yeah well, he wasn't THIS bad. And while he doesn't drink regularly, when he does...we all run in the other direction. He is not violent (unless someone pisses him off) but he is very negative and hostile. I've so hoped, like other mothers, that the kids didn't know how bad it was. In the last month, I've had all three of my school-aged children's teachers ask if "something is different at home," based on the kid's declining behavior and performance. I'm so at a loss as to what to do. I keep reading that they are better off with me raising them alone than in this situation, but I don't know how kicking him out again will make it any better.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I too made the mistake of buying into the promise it would be better once we got married.
I could write a novel on that nightmare period of my life.
The end result was divorce many many moons ago, and he was buried last year at the age of 47 from AIDS. I missed getting that gift from him by about two weeks.
I could write a novel on that nightmare period of my life.
The end result was divorce many many moons ago, and he was buried last year at the age of 47 from AIDS. I missed getting that gift from him by about two weeks.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
