Please share your thoughts on alcoholism/infidelity
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 2
Please share your thoughts on alcoholism/infidelity
Hi Everyone,
I am new here and want to share my story as well as get some opinions.
I recently found out that my husband is an alcoholic. I knew he was a drinker before, but I had no idea that he was drinking during the day and sneaking off to bars on the weekends when he was supposed to be running errands. While I understand that alcoholism is a terrible disease, I am most distressed to learn that in the last 15 months while on business trips, he has been picking up on women at bars and soliciting prostitutes. In the last 15 months, he has slept with 7 prostitutes and 1 other woman. In addition, he has kissed/made out with at least 6 others. With some women, he merely got their phone number and never called them. Since the day I caught him in all his lies(Apr. 1st), he has been very serious about recovery. He has started seeing a psychologist who specializes in addiction twice a week. In addition, he has attended daily AA meetings and is very into the program. I feel optimistic about his recovery at this point, however I don't think I can get past the pain of his infidelity. He tries to blame it on the alcohol but I don't think alcohol can make you do things you don't have in you at some level. Can some other people please provide me on their thoughts/experience on this? I would love to hear from men/women equally.
Thanks so much!
I am new here and want to share my story as well as get some opinions.
I recently found out that my husband is an alcoholic. I knew he was a drinker before, but I had no idea that he was drinking during the day and sneaking off to bars on the weekends when he was supposed to be running errands. While I understand that alcoholism is a terrible disease, I am most distressed to learn that in the last 15 months while on business trips, he has been picking up on women at bars and soliciting prostitutes. In the last 15 months, he has slept with 7 prostitutes and 1 other woman. In addition, he has kissed/made out with at least 6 others. With some women, he merely got their phone number and never called them. Since the day I caught him in all his lies(Apr. 1st), he has been very serious about recovery. He has started seeing a psychologist who specializes in addiction twice a week. In addition, he has attended daily AA meetings and is very into the program. I feel optimistic about his recovery at this point, however I don't think I can get past the pain of his infidelity. He tries to blame it on the alcohol but I don't think alcohol can make you do things you don't have in you at some level. Can some other people please provide me on their thoughts/experience on this? I would love to hear from men/women equally.
Thanks so much!
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
I'm glad that you're here, WillHeal.
You are in a seriously difficult position. For most, healing from either alcoholism OR infidelity is long process. I don't think that the pain of combining the two problems is additive - I think it is exponential.
You obviously have heart full of love for your husband. I would urge you during this troubling time to direct some of that love toward yourself. Be gentle with yourself and listen to your feelings. Find a good counselor and check out some Al-Anon meetings.
Forgiveness doesn't have to happen all at once. Take your time.
Wishing you peace.
-TC
You are in a seriously difficult position. For most, healing from either alcoholism OR infidelity is long process. I don't think that the pain of combining the two problems is additive - I think it is exponential.
You obviously have heart full of love for your husband. I would urge you during this troubling time to direct some of that love toward yourself. Be gentle with yourself and listen to your feelings. Find a good counselor and check out some Al-Anon meetings.
Forgiveness doesn't have to happen all at once. Take your time.
Wishing you peace.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hi and Welcome:
I'm sorry you are dealing with so much.
I don't think alcoholism/drug addiction have anything to do with cheating. I don't think I've ever been cheated on. I don't have any proof, but I never had that worry in my most recent relationship. I think anything is possible, but I think it comes down to morals and values.
Read the stickies at the top. They help a lot.
Big Hugs to you!
I'm sorry you are dealing with so much.
I don't think alcoholism/drug addiction have anything to do with cheating. I don't think I've ever been cheated on. I don't have any proof, but I never had that worry in my most recent relationship. I think anything is possible, but I think it comes down to morals and values.
Read the stickies at the top. They help a lot.
Big Hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Personally, infidelity, especially multiple infidelities and with hookers, would be an absolute deal breaker. I could not learn to trust again.
I do hope you get yourself tested for STDs. The risk is very high unfortunately from what you describe.
I do hope you get yourself tested for STDs. The risk is very high unfortunately from what you describe.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Spouses cheat whether they're A's or not. The two don't always go hand in hand. My AH doesn't cheat on me in the conventional sense of the word - too apathetic and lazy. He does have quite an interest in porn sites and collecting photos on a memory stick, which holds pretty large files. How convenient. He can download tons of pics then look at his collection without any evidence showing up the computer's hard drive.
Marital infidelity is an insult to marriage. I really feel for you; take your time in getting over this. Have you been tested to see if he has passed any STD's on to you? It sounds like he's working a strong program, but has not yet made amends to you for his cheating since he's blaming it on the booze. The booze may have loosened him up, but he ALONE committed the act of adultery.
Marital infidelity is an insult to marriage. I really feel for you; take your time in getting over this. Have you been tested to see if he has passed any STD's on to you? It sounds like he's working a strong program, but has not yet made amends to you for his cheating since he's blaming it on the booze. The booze may have loosened him up, but he ALONE committed the act of adultery.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
I am so sorry for what you are going through. There is another good website:
SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity
My recovering AH has been faithful to me. Both of us had parents who had long marriages and were faithful to each other. I really feel that infidelity is a personal choice, and it is a deal breaker for a relationship or marriage.
SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity
My recovering AH has been faithful to me. Both of us had parents who had long marriages and were faithful to each other. I really feel that infidelity is a personal choice, and it is a deal breaker for a relationship or marriage.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Barbara52 
Personally, infidelity, especially multiple infidelities and with hookers, would be an absolute deal breaker. I could not learn to trust again.
I do hope you get yourself tested for STDs. The risk is very high unfortunately from what you describe.
I do hope you get yourself tested for STDs. The risk is very high unfortunately from what you describe.
My exAH had multiple affairs while we were together.
I also agree strongly with being tested. I missed contracting HIV from my exAH by about two weeks.
He died last year at the age of 47 from complications of AIDS.
There are STDs that kill.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Using being drunk as the reason for infidelity is just an excuse. As valid in my mind as saying it was because he had roast beef for dinner. Especially when it was with at least 8 women! That is willfully choosing to f*** around.
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Cheating has nothing to do with alcoholism. Alcoholism probably has a whole lot to do with cheating.
It sounds like ur husband is beginning to work a program. That's a good thing. Whether he can rebuild the trust that you've lost is a different matter all together.
Only you can decide what you can live with and what you can't. I'm sorry that you are going through this..
It sounds like ur husband is beginning to work a program. That's a good thing. Whether he can rebuild the trust that you've lost is a different matter all together.
Only you can decide what you can live with and what you can't. I'm sorry that you are going through this..
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Well, I have to disagree about there being no connection between alcoholism and cheating......However, I think it is a connection, not a direct, definite cause-and-effect relationship. The truth of the matter is that alcohol and many drugs lower one's inhibitions and impair one's judgment and thus make it much more likely that someone "under the influence" might cheat. Furthermore, as a highly pleasurable experience, sex has the potential to become addictive and many, many addicts do become addicted to more than one substance or behavior, either simultaneously or serially. Finally, all of the lies and distortions and justifications that one uses to justify one's drinking can spill over easily into justifying pretty much whatever bad behavior one might feel the urge to engage in...So, all in all, although infidelity (or lying, cheating, stealing, betraying of any other variety) does not follow necessarily from alcoholism, it is definitely facilitated by it.
But, really, all of that is neither here nor there as far as your problem goes: You are married to an alcoholic who has cheated on you repeatedly. For what it's worth, my A cheated on me, too, several times during her dry drunk relapse. I threw her out. She got back into active recovery and we are now back together. Rebuilding (on her part -- and regranting on mine) trust is still in process -- after 2.5 years back together.
So, here's what I can say based on my experience: It took me 10 months in Al Anon, working my own program and learning everything I could about alcoholism and recovery, before I was ready and able to decide that I needed to tell her to leave and to be able to do so with peace and serenity in my heart and with trust that HP was and was going to continue to work things out for both of us -- separately or together as HP saw fit -- regardless of whether or not I understood what that meant or not. It was also helpful for me to attend lots of AA meetings and come to understand what a good AA program is about, so that when she approached me, after more than a year, with the "I'm back in recovery" line, I knew what that meant and was in some position to discern whether or not it was true -- or at least, whether or not it was true enough for me to feel safe taking a chance on her again.
Also, rebuilding trust and intimacy takes lots of time, and my personal belief is that, yeah, I do need to work at trusting her again -- but my "working at trusting her," if it's going to healthy and safe for me, can only proceed in direct proportion to her working to be trustworthy because she is the one who broke trust in the first place. I know quite a few people whose partners/spouses have gotten into recovery and all of a sudden they're like: "Well, I'm in recovery now, you've owe it to me to trust me!" B*ll Sh*t! That is a dry drunk cop-out if I've ever heard one.
So, that's where we're at right now......and, really, these are decisions that only you can make because only you know where your boundaries are and what love you have left vs. what love you have lost. Only you can judge -- in your gut and with HP's help -- whether his recovery is such that you feel safe trying to trust again. But, I do think it's important to know that you don't have to make decisions like this quickly or while you're in emotional turmoil. If you want, you can set clear, temporary boundaries for the relationship while you take the time to get support (Al Anon would be a great start), learn about alcoholism and how his alcoholism affects you, and get centered enough in yourself and in your relationship to HP, to make more permanent decisions calmly and from a place of confidence and strength.
...prayers for you -- freya
But, really, all of that is neither here nor there as far as your problem goes: You are married to an alcoholic who has cheated on you repeatedly. For what it's worth, my A cheated on me, too, several times during her dry drunk relapse. I threw her out. She got back into active recovery and we are now back together. Rebuilding (on her part -- and regranting on mine) trust is still in process -- after 2.5 years back together.
So, here's what I can say based on my experience: It took me 10 months in Al Anon, working my own program and learning everything I could about alcoholism and recovery, before I was ready and able to decide that I needed to tell her to leave and to be able to do so with peace and serenity in my heart and with trust that HP was and was going to continue to work things out for both of us -- separately or together as HP saw fit -- regardless of whether or not I understood what that meant or not. It was also helpful for me to attend lots of AA meetings and come to understand what a good AA program is about, so that when she approached me, after more than a year, with the "I'm back in recovery" line, I knew what that meant and was in some position to discern whether or not it was true -- or at least, whether or not it was true enough for me to feel safe taking a chance on her again.
Also, rebuilding trust and intimacy takes lots of time, and my personal belief is that, yeah, I do need to work at trusting her again -- but my "working at trusting her," if it's going to healthy and safe for me, can only proceed in direct proportion to her working to be trustworthy because she is the one who broke trust in the first place. I know quite a few people whose partners/spouses have gotten into recovery and all of a sudden they're like: "Well, I'm in recovery now, you've owe it to me to trust me!" B*ll Sh*t! That is a dry drunk cop-out if I've ever heard one.
So, that's where we're at right now......and, really, these are decisions that only you can make because only you know where your boundaries are and what love you have left vs. what love you have lost. Only you can judge -- in your gut and with HP's help -- whether his recovery is such that you feel safe trying to trust again. But, I do think it's important to know that you don't have to make decisions like this quickly or while you're in emotional turmoil. If you want, you can set clear, temporary boundaries for the relationship while you take the time to get support (Al Anon would be a great start), learn about alcoholism and how his alcoholism affects you, and get centered enough in yourself and in your relationship to HP, to make more permanent decisions calmly and from a place of confidence and strength.
...prayers for you -- freya
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Unstable State
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by prodigal
Spouses cheat whether they're A's or not. The two don't always go hand in hand. My AH doesn't cheat on me in the conventional sense of the word - too apathetic and lazy. He does have quite an interest in porn sites and collecting photos on a memory stick, which holds pretty large files. How convenient. He can download tons of pics then look at his collection without any evidence showing up the computer's hard drive.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
If it happened once and he was horrified, maybe alcohol was the thing that stopped his inhibitions. If it happened more than once, is the drinking causing the cheating or is the drinking an excuse to cheat? In any case, his particular vice has gotten in the way of his vows to you. He has crossed a line, both spiritually and physically that has damaged your life. He has put you at risk, high risk of challenging your faith and your life.
We always anticipate having control over certain parts of our lives no matter what they are doing. What we don't expect is when we aren't sure we love them anymore.
For me, my first husband cheated and I was devasted. He didn't just cheat, he cheated with a girl young enough to be his daughter which made me see him as a pervert.
It was so painful and it was the defining moment when it ended in my heart.
In todays world, we are led to believe that if we can't rise above infidelities, we are somehow not trying hard enough. We don't have to. We are allowed to walk away.
Vows aren't something that we can just patch up. They are kept of broken in my mind.
Your solution may be this. "I will come to appreciate this growth experience, good luck and good bye". There is something so damaging in getting the sloppy seconds of 7 prostitutes. The girl my ex cheated with recurrently was a slutty teenager that walked the streets in daisy duke shorts and was hanging all over any man who had a car and a six pack. Gross! Her teeth were bad, she has fried blonde hair and had the IQ of a paper bag. This was someone who required no effort. My ex couldn't attract a woman. To a young impressionable girl, he was brilliant. cough!
It has just been a series of these kind of women for him. Women who sit and wait for the last guy on the bar stool to take them home, they call that love and desitiny.
I suppose for them it is.
Alcoholics spin whatever they do into something it isn't.
For me cheating just ends it. It isn't even a choice, Something just dies.
We always anticipate having control over certain parts of our lives no matter what they are doing. What we don't expect is when we aren't sure we love them anymore.
For me, my first husband cheated and I was devasted. He didn't just cheat, he cheated with a girl young enough to be his daughter which made me see him as a pervert.
It was so painful and it was the defining moment when it ended in my heart.
In todays world, we are led to believe that if we can't rise above infidelities, we are somehow not trying hard enough. We don't have to. We are allowed to walk away.
Vows aren't something that we can just patch up. They are kept of broken in my mind.
Your solution may be this. "I will come to appreciate this growth experience, good luck and good bye". There is something so damaging in getting the sloppy seconds of 7 prostitutes. The girl my ex cheated with recurrently was a slutty teenager that walked the streets in daisy duke shorts and was hanging all over any man who had a car and a six pack. Gross! Her teeth were bad, she has fried blonde hair and had the IQ of a paper bag. This was someone who required no effort. My ex couldn't attract a woman. To a young impressionable girl, he was brilliant. cough!
It has just been a series of these kind of women for him. Women who sit and wait for the last guy on the bar stool to take them home, they call that love and desitiny.
I suppose for them it is.
Alcoholics spin whatever they do into something it isn't.
For me cheating just ends it. It isn't even a choice, Something just dies.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Minneapolis, Mn. Minnesota Alligator Controll
Posts: 286
THANK YOU FREYA.
Its a shame he felt he had to
confess his infidelity that is not program stuff.
Step 9, make direct amends to such people wherever
possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
I would question there motive for confessing this to a signifacant other.
NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER, do a 5th step, with a spouse
Its a shame he felt he had to
confess his infidelity that is not program stuff.
Step 9, make direct amends to such people wherever
possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
I would question there motive for confessing this to a signifacant other.
NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER, do a 5th step, with a spouse
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
(((Welcome))) I am sorry you are going through this. I can relate- somewhat. My AH had 2 emotional affairs- that I know of. Infidelity is painful no matter how it happens. I personally could not live with it- mostly because he blamed me for both of them and had no remorse- even talked about how attractive the 2nd one is- and he works with her. Trust is huge in a marriage- and we know alcoholics break that trust in many ways. I don't know if infidelity and alcoholism are related, but I agree alcohol does break down inhibition. That doesn't mean IMO that he gets a pass. He's an adult, he chose to do what he did and he put you at risk. I heard a statistic somewhere that 80% of alcoholics also have sexual compulsion issues. . . but I have to wonder if alcoholics are just more likely to act out? I've also heard of switching addictions- which my AH was doing when we lived together- gambling and poker playing online.
The bottom line is I do not know the answer to your question, but I feel for you and hope you will take care of yourself- get tested, go to al-anon, continue to post and reach out. Take care.
The bottom line is I do not know the answer to your question, but I feel for you and hope you will take care of yourself- get tested, go to al-anon, continue to post and reach out. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
I've got to say that I think there IS a connection between alcoholism and cheating. The damage to the frontal lobes and the blackouts are just two things that come to mind. It also seems to be a repeated part of many leads I have heard at open AA meetings.
In fact,there is some good writing (imho) in the Getting Them Sober books (see Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications for online "preview").
In the past 30y,my now exAH has become someone neither I,our kids,his business partners,family,etc. recognize. (I made a typo and said "who he did recognize,but actually that is the truth,too). Women are a main component of this change; the self-absorption.
That being said; what YOU feel,do,etc. is up to you. I'd suggest that it would be best to center on yourself and your own healing at this time,and take it slowly. My guess is that you must be shell-shocked by all this. Perhaps the addiction specialist could work with you or refer you to another trained in family issues,to help you sort through things in your own life first,and then address the marriage later.
I am glad to see your AH at least seems to be putting an effort into addressing his issues,too.
Best of luck to you (both). I understand how this kind of discovery can knock the legs out of everything you thought you knew.
hugs and I hope you stick around here. It's really helped me wade thru this kind of situation and a lot more. Be kind and gentle to yourself,too.
In fact,there is some good writing (imho) in the Getting Them Sober books (see Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications for online "preview").
In the past 30y,my now exAH has become someone neither I,our kids,his business partners,family,etc. recognize. (I made a typo and said "who he did recognize,but actually that is the truth,too). Women are a main component of this change; the self-absorption.
That being said; what YOU feel,do,etc. is up to you. I'd suggest that it would be best to center on yourself and your own healing at this time,and take it slowly. My guess is that you must be shell-shocked by all this. Perhaps the addiction specialist could work with you or refer you to another trained in family issues,to help you sort through things in your own life first,and then address the marriage later.
I am glad to see your AH at least seems to be putting an effort into addressing his issues,too.
Best of luck to you (both). I understand how this kind of discovery can knock the legs out of everything you thought you knew.
hugs and I hope you stick around here. It's really helped me wade thru this kind of situation and a lot more. Be kind and gentle to yourself,too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Alcoholism is a disease. It causes changes in the brain that can cause a person to do and say all kinds of things that are.......justifiable by their own (illogical) self talk. Do I think there is a connection between alcohol and infidelity? Yes. Am I making excuses for the alcoholic? NO WAY! The various behaviors that spring from the disease are wrong and unacceptable. Period. But it is up to you as to how you deal with these behaviors. You are in control of you.
Do I think that infidelity that accompanies alcoholism more forgivable than infidelity by a sober person? No. For me, I would handle it the same way whether my husband was sober or an alcoholic. Either way it is a huge violation of trust.
I hope that you are working your own program so that you can understand the disease and how it has affected you, your marriage, your life, your thought processes, etc. The bottom line is that it really doesn't matter what I (or anybody else for that matter) thinks. What matters is YOU. Only you can determine if you can forgive him.
My thoughts are with you as you begin your journey in recovery. I hope and pray that you are able to find peace amidst the chaos and that your husband stays the course in recovery.
gentle hugs
Do I think that infidelity that accompanies alcoholism more forgivable than infidelity by a sober person? No. For me, I would handle it the same way whether my husband was sober or an alcoholic. Either way it is a huge violation of trust.
I hope that you are working your own program so that you can understand the disease and how it has affected you, your marriage, your life, your thought processes, etc. The bottom line is that it really doesn't matter what I (or anybody else for that matter) thinks. What matters is YOU. Only you can determine if you can forgive him.
My thoughts are with you as you begin your journey in recovery. I hope and pray that you are able to find peace amidst the chaos and that your husband stays the course in recovery.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Larwill, IN
Posts: 22
My AH was drunk every time he cheated on me, but I don't blame the alcohol or lack of self-control. I know of at least three women (confirmed) that he cheated on me with and he slept with each of them multiple times. Just because he was drunk every time doesn't mean it's the alcohol's fault. Like someone else said, I just happen to be married to a cheater AND an alcoholic. I've forgiven the cheating, but cannot get past the drinking. Strange, huh?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Happyland
Posts: 193
My AH has cheated on me too, Lillian. For me though, it is the whole package. I deserve a companion who is gonna care about me enough to put me before alcohol. I deserve a companion who will honor me-not cheat on me and escape life's issues with drugs and alcohol. he did it all. It is a deal breaker.
I can almost guarantee you that if the shoe was on the other foot, he/she would be just be fit to be tied.
I can almost guarantee you that if the shoe was on the other foot, he/she would be just be fit to be tied.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 38
Like Freya, my AW cheated on me while she was a dry drunk. The connection for me between drinking and infidelity is that in both cases it shows the person you should be able to trust the most acts with no respect or consideration for you. I clearly had no boundries when it came to her drinking. When it came to infidelity, I did. So the real question here, IMHO, isn't what is his excuse, but simply what are you going to decide your boundries are?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
"... I don't think I can get past the pain of his infidelity. He tries to blame it on the alcohol but I don't think alcohol can make you do things you don't have in you at some level..."
Like most of the folks here have already said.....alcohol does NOT make a person cheat....it's like hypnotism - you can't make a person under hypnotism do anything they wouldn't ordinarily do were they not under hypnosis; a person who's a 'cheater' will cheat; under the influence of alcohol or not, and a person who is not a 'cheater' will NOT cheat, even when under the influence of alcohol.....a person is either a 'cheater' or he/she isn't, and alcohol can NOT make a 'non-cheater' into a 'cheater.'
I only have three suggestions:
1) like others have mentioned, get yourself physically checked (STD's are NOT fun)....and get firmly in your mind wht your boundaries are, or are going to be (I know....this is a lot easier to type than to do, but I have faith in you..... (o:
2) if you're not already, get yourself a support group.....alanon/naranon....these folks can really help you in you decision-making times.....
3) you may want to also suggest to your spouse that he may want to check out some support for what may be a 'sex-addict' issue....porno issue....whatever one wants to call it.....there are a number of different groups out there, and they can be a help.....
I wish you well in your life.....no matter what decisions you may make.... (o:
NoelleR
Like most of the folks here have already said.....alcohol does NOT make a person cheat....it's like hypnotism - you can't make a person under hypnotism do anything they wouldn't ordinarily do were they not under hypnosis; a person who's a 'cheater' will cheat; under the influence of alcohol or not, and a person who is not a 'cheater' will NOT cheat, even when under the influence of alcohol.....a person is either a 'cheater' or he/she isn't, and alcohol can NOT make a 'non-cheater' into a 'cheater.'
I only have three suggestions:
1) like others have mentioned, get yourself physically checked (STD's are NOT fun)....and get firmly in your mind wht your boundaries are, or are going to be (I know....this is a lot easier to type than to do, but I have faith in you..... (o:
2) if you're not already, get yourself a support group.....alanon/naranon....these folks can really help you in you decision-making times.....
3) you may want to also suggest to your spouse that he may want to check out some support for what may be a 'sex-addict' issue....porno issue....whatever one wants to call it.....there are a number of different groups out there, and they can be a help.....
I wish you well in your life.....no matter what decisions you may make.... (o:
NoelleR
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