ajangels2

SR Friends... looking for E,S, and H about how others have dealt with their anger and resentments towards their A's.

I am obviously still feeling this anger and resentment and still have all these fears in my relationship with my AH. I know I have deep seated issues about communicating my feelings... the problem is I'm brutally honest and can be extremely scathing. I learned from my father the best at being nasty and tearing someone down in an instant. My AH has shared numerous times through out our relationship that I continuously beat him over the head with my snide comments and sarcasm and he can no longer take it.

My AH does not have a program and has declared now after trying AA 5 times he no longer wants to work the AA program and does not feel it is the only way to get sober. He has also declared that he no longer wants to get involved in any church for lots of reasons too. So no program on his end. I do have a program of recovery and I am working it, but lately I feel like giving up. I feel like these things that I need to change will never change.

We are in counseling again and I thought o.k. maybe my counselor can help me drag out that which is still stuck in my craw causing all this seething emotion. My needs do not get met at home, AH is not available to me emotionally and not often physically. I am trying to carve out a life of peace, joy, and serenity but basically without counting on him. I find this very hard to do and strange. It is not my idea of marriage, basically he tells me that if I wouldn't verbally bash and berate him all the time he'd be nicer to me and want to be around me. I find that hard to believe at this time. There is no doubt that I must change these things I am just feeling lost as to how. Why can't I let go of the anger and the past?

Thanks for listening and sharing.
ajangels

Impurrfect

I don't have any advice, but am sending you huge hugs and prayers!

Amy

MsPINKAcres

((aj))

I would like to ask you a few questions - just because we have talked and as a person outside the situation - sometimes an outsider can see things that we, the ones deeply involved can't see . . . please know these are only questions to try to help you look at the situation from a different point of view - OK?

I wonder if the times that your AH accuses you of "bashing and berating" him - is it when you are asking him to respect your personal boundaries?

Is AH taking your request for things in the family home to be a certain way as a personal attack on himself?

Are you using the "You do, I feel" statements instead of the "you make me feel"?

When discussing issues, such as his refusal to honor healthy boundaries for your family home, does AH try to deflect off the subject at hand by bringing up "your faults"? Does this cause you to defend yourself instead of sticking to the present issue?

The reason I ask, is because in talking with the A's in my life, if their are not in the recovery mode - they will often revert to using some of these types of methods to manipulate the situation to switch the focus off of their unhealthy behaviors and try to gloat me into defending myself. They will continue to push my emotional buttons and until I am beyond control of self and I lose focus and become frustrated.

When discussing an issue - I have to remain cold, factual and distant. If I let my emotions come into play - I know my loved ones will use that against me. That is my personal weakness.

A pinetree is going to produce pinecones and pineneedles - and addict/alcoholic is going to do everything to AVOID taking responsibility for their actions - walks like a duck, looks like a duck, sounds like a duck - it's a duck - QUACK, QUACK, QUACK.

Maybe you can't let go of the anger & resentment because those emotions are still being used to manipulate you - the pot is still being stirred?

You have tried to "discuss" issues with him for a while now with no productive responses - right? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results is what?
yes, my friend it is insanity.

Not for them - but for us.

Maybe it's time to try to communicate this in another way?

Just my e, s, & h, aj,
Just what I learning to do myself - it ain't easy - but the same ole thing wasn't working anymore - so now I'm looking for some different ways.

Love & HUGS,
Rita

imallright

Work on you. Think about what you want. Maybe you/he have addressed the addiction, but he is not in recovery and it sounds like you want to be. Seek your own guidance... from HP, counselor, etc. Listen to what you want. What you need and when you can get that clear.... stay focused on that and you will start to move. Doesn't seem like it sometimes, but you wil find the way.

Small steps, keep reaching out and you will become stronger. All the best!

ajangels2

Yes I have tried and tried and tried and to no avail I keep getting the same results. I'm not sure what other ways to communicate these issues I have. I do feel that I often get overwhelmed and frustrated in coversation with him because he does that deflecting thing by turning things back on me. Basically saying he wouldn't do x,y,z if I hadn't done A,B,C, which is complete BS and i know that, it still does get me off track of the subject. So I guess regardless of whether he gets it or takes ownership of his side of the street I have to own my side of the street and let go of that which I have no control over.

I know exactly what I want I'm just not able to get that at home. I'm angry about that but there is nothing I can do except to change those things I don't like about myself.

StillLearning1

What are you angry about? What do you resent?

Usually for me- they are about expectations.. Not just what I expected but what the other person told me I could and should expect from them, depend on them for.

We can make mistakes- no one is perfect.
The problem for me.. is when others tell me I CAN/SHOULD expect... they don't do it- don't expect themselves to do it... The sorrys they say. They are sorry, really just sorry for themselves. It doesn't feel good when others are sad, mad or hurt. Want to detach. Basically do not like you want to invest their time, energy.. money with or on you.
So... more apologies and I'm sorrys... but no change or ammend. If anything same behavior/action repeated... even worse.

Forgiveness is good- everyone will say that- religions, the program of aa/alanon- oprah and Dr. Phil... But trust and the willingness to rebuild trust- to even work on it. In my opinion that is a gift. Not something anyone is entitled to.

From everything I have read from those who do recover- they do things.
Your husband does not appear to want to do those things that those that have sobriety and are in recovery say worked for them.

I'm sorry... to expect him to recover may be an unreal expectation.

E,S,H...
I'm not perfect.. but I can honestly say I gave it my all. I was willing to do anything. Nothing was ever good enough- finally one day I FINALLY accepted my husband. I looked him in the eyes and I told him it was okay if he didn't like me. I accepted him, he wasn't the first and he won't be the last. I had no more desire to change who I was for him.

I don't like crack.. don't like people who choose to use crack.. don't like people who sell crack... Don't want to know them... have relationships with them. invest my time, energy or money in or with them. Doesn't feel good to me.. Scares me.. angers me.

I don't want that to change!! Fear and anger can be very good, healthy and protective feelings... Feelings.. NOT a way of life.

I don't like having that fear and anger... those resentments. I couldn't change him- no matter what I tried... he did not want to or could not the drugs or the people who used them with him, sold them to him.. So I had to give him up.

No program... no honesty.. no willingness. I could not expect him to change, to get sober and recover. Get better. I had to accept him and detach.

I have learned... it is okay to have some expectations- I call them standards!! No, I worked very hard for that money.. I worked for... saved for.. gave up for things that feel good to me. I was very direct about that.. Home, food, college funds, insurance- I like insurance!! Heck- I too like to go out and have fun!!

Not okay to spend it- on drugs or partying with other people. Nope that sure as hell is not going to feel good to me!! I'm going to get mad!! I do not like being used!!
I ALLOWED myself to be. Can't change the past.. can change my future!!

Sorry for the long post.
If I could change anything about my past. I wish I could go back and say- It's okay that you don't like me, that I don't meet your expectations. Find someone else willing to- I'm done trying to!!
Thats just my- experience.. my strength and hope?? His freedom is my freedom!!

BayAreaPhoenix

I like the lock analogy! There are some good ones floating around here!

I'm with the others, sounds like deflection, and you're right, there is absolutely nothing you can do or say. You can say it 100 different ways, 20 languages, on your head, etc. Without being committed to recovery, he's not going to hear you.

IMO just say what you want, walk away. Do what you are going to do, and don't expect anything from him. I know that sounds so "easy to say" kind of thing, but I know it's not easy from the inside. Eventually that's where you need to get to tho, so keep practicing, even if sometimes you're pretending. It gets more comfortable each time you do it, and each time you do it, that sense of empowerment comes and makes you feel good about you, and so you want to do it again!

Recovery makes the difference, IMO. I have lots of friends in recovery, and I know how they are and what they do and I see the HUGE contrast with my AH.

I feel your frustration -- I really do.

(((hugs))) :ghug2

sandrawg

You are right-exactly right. And this is why you're feeling frustrated. Let go. Just let go of the need to get things to change, because you can't control it. You can't control your AH. Even if he wasn't an addict--you still can't control him or change him.

You certainly can't control or change his addiction.

You can't control what will happen to you today. You could win the lottery. You could, God forbid, get hit by a bus. Someone could tap your bumper. You might lose your keys and be inconvenienced. NONE of these things, do you have any control over.

All you can control is your own thoughts, so I suggest you get some help with that. I am.

I was listening to that old Concrete Blonde song, "Joey." It's a great song from the perspective of a loving woman dealing with an addict/alcoholic.

"And if you're somewhere out there passed out on the floor...Joey I'm not angry anymore."

That's how I feel now. I love my ex-bf who I know now has a coke problem. I love him with all my heart. And he can't help who he is. His genetic predisposition is towards addictive behavior. When he took that first gram of coke, which he did when he was just a kid, he was doomed.

And he's a sweetheart. He is so loving and affectionate. But the coke will destroy him and I can't be a part of it. That said, I have nothing but compassion and love for him.

It's a much more peaceful feeling that being upset because he doesn't meet my expectations of what a good bf should be. I had the freedom to leave, and I did. It's your choice to stay or go. It might help to realize that.