Please don't think I'm a horrible person.

Old 05-03-2008, 02:15 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lafayette LA
Posts: 16
Please don't think I'm a horrible person.

It been a long time since I've been on here. And I really don't know what made me remember this place. I guess it's the desperation of needing to talk to someone. So here goes....

I'm the wife on an addict, well fiance. We've lived together for 5 years now so I feel like an old married couple. If you read back in my previous threads. You'll see how devastated I was when I first found out he was an addict. Since the last time I was here I couldn't even count how many slip ups he has had. I now have a love hate relationship with him. I love that I used to be madly in love with him and I will always care for him, I hate that I haven't felt that spark with him in years. I hate that I never trust him and that if I stay with him my life will be like the tides. Back and forth from good to bad.

I have been working so very hard. I am well on my way to becoming financially independent. My ultimate goal is not to leave him when this happens, but to make a decision with out the worry of, "how will I make it."

So now for the real reason I am here. There's someone else. It's more of an emotional affair. We have never been "physical" or anywhere near it. He's in a relationship as well. We have had very similar problems of being hurt and having zero trust in the relationship. It all started last year for my birthday. We have mutual friends and met and hung out all night. a month goes by and we begin talking on the phone and we had met one amazing night where we just talked until the sun rose. It was obvious that we were both feeling the same about each other and he called me the next day and said he couldn't do this and I agreed. Then later on we talked again and then stopped. This has happened several times. with many months in between.

Well, hubby relapsed earlier this week and after a hard week of work. I decided I wanted a girls night. I was having a blast and the other guy appears out of a crowd. (This is a place he used to never go to) All of our friends decided they want to hang out (which I know was a setup for us). End of story, we hung out all night outside a house while everyone was inside the house. We talked, we jumped on a trampoline haha , and we just held each other.

And here's what will happen. I'm going to be on cloud nine. He's going to disappear, but his friends will tell me how crazy he is about me and I'll just keep going on with my life. I just don't understand how we keep running into each other like this. I feel so guilty for being so happy today. I just had to get this out. I know it's wrong. Please don't make me feel like the scum of the earth.
wifeofanaddict1 is offline  
Old 05-03-2008, 02:45 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Restoring myself to sanity
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Wow! I don't really know what to say. It's clear that your fiance is not meeting your needs because otherwise you would not feel so giddy in the presence of someone else. This other guy is meeting an emotional need that your partner is not.

I know what you mean about loving someone but the spark not being there. I'm very lonely right now in my marriage because my AH is not emotionaly available to me. However, I think that is part of the addiction and I could be wrong because I'm so very new at this myself. I don't think an addict can meet the emotional needs of any one in a relationship because he cannot meet those needs within himself. Addiction is a very selfish disease. The only priority the addict has is getting that drug and getting high, the rest of us are on the back burner.

AS for leaving your SO, I can't give you any real advice. Is your SO taking any steps toward recovery like attending meetings and working a program? That would be a deciding factor to me in whether I stay or go.

As for your "friend", I know that it feels wonderful to have someone who will engage in meaningfull conversations and will meet your needs of affection and friendship, needs that you are not getting at home. However, this man is in a relationship with someone else and you are in a very vulnerable postion at home and this situation is a recipe for disaster. Jumping into a relationship so soon would be self destruction for you. You need space to clear your head and to figure out what you want. You need to focus on you and how to take care of you independantly from another person or relationship.

Have you gone to any al-anon or Nar-anon meetings. There is an abundance of support in those meetings and most likely someone there has experianced what you are going through.

No, I don't think you are a horrible person at all. You have needs just like everyone else but instead of looking to get them met from another person, look within yourself first.
jerect is offline  
Old 05-03-2008, 03:15 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
outonalimb's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Wife...

I'm so glad you found your way back to SR.

I think jerect really hit the nail on the head...

I was married to an addict. I know how lonely it can be. I know what it feels like to wait for the other shoe to drop.

On one hand, this new found relationship is bringing something positive to your life...something thats lacking in your relationship with your hubby but this man isn't 'available'. He's unavailable just like your 'hubby' is unavailable due to his addiction. Do you think there might be a pattern here? No need to answer...just something to consider.

I've been divorced for almost 3 years now. I still haven't mustered up the courage to venture out and meet someone new. I'm still healing and trying to maintain peace and stability in my life and the life of my son. I know that, for me, another relationship at this point in my life wouldn't be healthy because I'm not ready. I'm not whole. Not yet, anyway.

I think I would have been very vulnerable had I met someone right out of the gate of my divorce or even during the period of time when I was still 'with' my exah legally and physically. Gosh, I was such a mess. Another man in my life might have made me feel happy for a short while...another relationship might have provided a nice escape from my reality but I know now...looking back...that the relationship wouldn't have been healthy. I would been entering into it from a place of fear, sadness and lonliness.

Are you afraid of being alone? I don't ask this in a challenging way but does something about the idea of being on your own...really and truly on your own...scare or depress you? Lots of people are afraid to be alone and so they jump into relationships right after (or even before) the old one has ended. Doing so doesn't give you a chance to heal...or to concentrate on some of the issues you need to deal with from your last relationship. Its just a band aid.

but I'm sure you know this already.
I certainly don't think your the scum of the earth, dear. I think you're just tired of dealing with addiction and this new guy seems like a nice escape for a while. Just be careful. You are very vulnerable right now whether you realize it or not.

Hugs...
outonalimb is offline  
Old 05-03-2008, 05:43 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
greeteachday's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Can't add a thing to what has been said so wonderfully. You are not scum; you are lonely and tired of the dance of addiction. Take good care of yourself and keep exploring your dreams and needs. Meetings do help, so if you can find one, please give it a shot. Hugs
greeteachday is offline  
Old 05-03-2008, 06:01 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain't goin' away.
...Elvis Presley
hello-kitty is offline  
Old 05-03-2008, 06:13 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
ZombieWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
I don't think you're scum of the Earth at all. I think many of us know how lonely it can be. I would just exercise caution. There are other people involved here, whether or not they are meeting your needs or your friend's needs.

I try to imagine my husband with someone else, just talking a lot and holding another woman (even if nothing sexual happens,) and that's a terrible, hurtful thing to imagine.

You could both really end up devastating two people, even if these people aren't the right fit for either of you. At one point in my life, I was engaged to a man that ended up cheating on me. I only wish he had the spine to tell me he was that unhappy, that we weren't the right fit. It was a terrible betrayal and one that I didn't heal from for a very long time.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, just to help you see that the others involved (your fiance and this guy's significant other.) If you left your fiance, what would happen with you and this other guy?

I will say that I think what you are doing (getting yourself financially set up just in case) is an excellent idea. It takes a lot of courage to do that!

ZombieWife is offline  
Old 05-03-2008, 07:50 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: homebased
Posts: 408
You certainly are not a horrible person

I think you are a lonely person looking for some happiness but looking in the wrong place

true happiness needs to come from within...
another relationship with another unavailable person will eventually leave you feeling just as lonely


please care for yourself
you deserve to be happy and loved
work from within...that is where you will find it
lil516 is offline  
Old 05-03-2008, 09:03 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
11d
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 103
You are not a terrible person. Just a lonely person. I can relate and understand how this can happen. I know that I am so lonely alot of the time, that I crave for another's attention. Your needs are not being met. I am too just concerned about jumping to another relationship right now. Maybe this is a sign to take time for you and step back. You don't have to make any decisions right now. One day at a time!
11d is offline  
Old 05-03-2008, 09:38 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Here's a different spin. One of my aunts and I were talking about this type of thing a few months ago. She has been married for over 30 years, and met her husband while in the process of divorcing my uncle, or maybe prior to. Not sure, but she knew she was going to divorce him, that much I know. So I asked her if she thought it was wrong to have a crush on someone else while divorcing?

She said she did not advocate an affair, even though that is what she did, but she did advocate the crush. She said that the feelings a crush brings up were a reminder of what was missing and what one was breaking free to find - happiness and joy of living. She has seen too many of her friends forget why they were getting a divorce, go back and continue to be miserable, but those that had "feelings" managed to get out and had the chance to create the life they deserved and did. In her opinion hanging on to a crush was sometimes what people needed to keep them focused to get them thru to the end of a divorce- even if they never ended up dating or in a relationship with that crush.


I thought it was an interesting perspective. Different than the "norm" in a way.

And by the way, I don't think you're a terrible person or scum or any of those things. I too know the lonliness of not having a partner.

Good luck to you -
BayAreaPhoenix is offline  
Old 05-03-2008, 10:44 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Originally Posted by codeinewife View Post
She said that the feelings a crush brings up were a reminder of what was missing and what one was breaking free to find - happiness and joy of living.
I agree with codeinewife. You are not receiving what you need from your relationship with your "hubby."

As long as he is on drugs, he is not going to be able to be there for you emotionally. I have experienced this with my own AH. The drugs kept him preoccupied, and became the most important thing in his life. Plus, he was taking them so that he wouldn't feel.

However, I would caution you from acting on any feelings with this friend. For one thing, it can get really messy if you are both in relationships. Plus, you may find that it is easy to rush to someone else to hope that they will cure your bad feelings, when you need to find those solutions within yourself. I say this only because I think I understand what you are feeling and going through. I've been there myself. I've also almost made some big mistakes because of those feelings.

On the other hand, don't ignore the fact that you are not getting enough from your present relationship. You deserve more!!!
bluebelle is offline  
Old 05-04-2008, 08:25 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
rozied
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Of course you are not a terrible person................just a lonely person.
A relationship with this other guy as you already know is not the answer. If you decide to leave your hubby for this other guy & then this other guy is not available to you, you would be miserable. If you do deicde to leave, leave for no other reason than you cannot live with an addict, recovering or not anymore.
A relationship is never the answer for anyone. Happiness comes from within.............you must be happy with yourself first, then oneday if you so choose you could be happy with someone else.
Wishing You The Best,
Diane
rozied is offline  
Old 05-04-2008, 09:56 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by lil516 View Post
You certainly are not a horrible person

I think you are a lonely person looking for some happiness but looking in the wrong place

true happiness needs to come from within...
another relationship with another unavailable person will eventually leave you feeling just as lonely


please care for yourself
you deserve to be happy and loved
work from within...that is where you will find it
I couldn't have said it any better than this.
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 05-04-2008, 12:10 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lafayette LA
Posts: 16
Wow, it is such a relief to finally see what I have been feeling for so long in written word. I haven't been able to translate my emotions. I would write more, but AH will be home any minute. I will post more when i am able to. Thank you all so much, for your understanding, insight, and kind words. It is very much appreciated.
wifeofanaddict1 is offline  
Old 05-06-2008, 08:01 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lafayette LA
Posts: 16
You are all right something is completely missing in our relationship. I love him I really do, but love does not equal happiness. The happiest times in my life are when i'm with friends and he is out of the picture. This weekend was the best time I've had in a long time. And the worst..... I did the unthinkable.....

I cheated. I'm in shock that I let it get that far, but at the same time it's opened my eyes and I need a change. Nothing is going to come of this other person. We've cut ties again. I can't say for sure if it will be permanent because we've cut ties before. I don't know, I'm at a loss for words right now. I think I'm falling into a depression or something. I don't know what to make of my life. I don't know where to go from here.

I guess I was just reaching out for an emotional connection. For someone to feel and understand my pain. And to care about me. And now I feel confused and empty. I'm so tired of feeling empty.....

codeinewife said it perfectly, happiness and joy of living. How do I break free? How do I find the missing pieces that AH has taken out of me?

I'm so scared to stand on my own.
wifeofanaddict1 is offline  
Old 05-06-2008, 09:34 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
I think you are doing a healthy thing...life goes on. Make the best of it!
susan
caileesnana is offline  
Old 05-06-2008, 10:25 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
I believe everything happens for a reason, and maybe the man you keep running into is just what you need to remind you of how it feels to live!!!! I am not saying to jump in bed with him, but enjoy the feelings, remember how it feels, know you are lacking it from your fiance. whatever happens with this man, it may just be what you need to feel right now to make some hard choices. There is a big happy sunshine filled world out there!!!!!
kj21 is offline  
Old 05-06-2008, 11:47 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I tried to force myself to stay with my husband for years. He was emotionally unavailable. He couldn't meet my needs emotionally. So I tried to bury my emotional needs - I was convinced I was the one with the problem. One day I nearly drove my car off a bridge - I just wanted out. I felt dead inside. It scared the hell out of me that I was so depressed I actually wanted to kill myself. It scared some sense into me as well. Sure I cared about the guy, I loved him (in an agape kind of love) but I had given up so much for our relationship and I wasn't getting anything back. I felt guilty leaving but it was the best thing for both of us. I wasn't being fair to him. I was holding him back in his life. I was killing myself in the process. Staying in a relationship for the relationships sake or because of fear of the unknown is not the right reason to stay in a relationship.

Maybe what I am about to say is out of line so I apologize but I have to say it wife, now you both have broken your vows. What's holding this relationship together? Oh wait. I just remembered you are not really married so you haven't broken vows. Youre just in an unfulfilling relationship with a drug addict who doesn't meet your needs...
hello-kitty is offline  
Old 05-06-2008, 02:11 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Jujubee Queen
 
mooselips's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
wifeofanaddict1,
The way I see this, is life is short. You deserve happiness.
If you are in a one-sided relationship, end it, move on with YOUR life, (you only have one) why stay in a relationship that is so destructive?



(Just my thinking outloud here)

Hugs
mooselips is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:42 AM.