dvinerite

my birthday in july marks 5 years with the man i love (3 married). I always knew he had a problem but denial is a beast and i always convinced myself things will get better. we have one child who will be 2 in july, and i'm currently 8 weeks pregnant. my husband works nights from 5 pm until 2am, then he comes home and sits up with a case of beer alone until 5 am. in that 3 hr span he drinks anywhere from 6-12 beers. he does this at least 3 nights a week. he claims not to have a problem because he still gets up for work and can pay for it. to him someone with a drinking problem lives on the street swigging from a paper bag. drug and alcohol abuse is the norm in his family so i have no support there. his stepmom once had the nerve to say "well at least hes drinking at home and not out at a bar all night". i love him but i cannot raise my children in this environment nor can i sit by and watch him destroy himself.... i feel so lost, lonely, and hopeless....

WantsOut

Of course, no one can tell you what to do. In some cases leaving is right, in others staying works. What we can do here is guide you toward some of the lessons we've learned and see if they help you to grow toward making your own choices. So many of us who have been in your situation have faced the same issues. It's hard to come up with a new angle on living with alcoholism here.

First thing to know is the "three Cs". You didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Sounds like a goofy little jingle or something but it's really full of wisdom. Usually it's the second two that take the longest to really internalize. You can't control his disease. You can't cure it.

You can't control it. Not it and not him. It's unhealthy to try to control his drinking or him.

You can't cure it. It's not your disease. You can't treat it or cure it. Only the one afflicted with this disease can do that. Ahhhhh, so maybe you're thinking you'll "get him" or "make him" cure it. See #2 again. You can't control it or him.

So what are you left with? The one you can control and cure - yourself.

This is a good starting point.

Read the stickies at the top of the message board and keep coming back and reading. This is the first step on a long journey to sanity.

dvinerite

he is my soulmate.... i love him so much.....

hes not violent or abusive, he is a fantastic father..... i vowed for better or for worse and i cant just up and leave.... i'm so lost and confused, i feel hopeless because i know i cant fix it....

abcdefg

it sounds like you are not ready to make a decision one way or another. coming out of denial doesn't always mean we are ready to take definitive action. wantsout made some excellent suggestions and i second them.

this is a horribly painful disease that takes and takes and takes away from us. the moreyou can learn about what you are truly dealing with, the better it will be for you, your children, and even your husband.

i recommend attending Al-anon. you will not be told what to do. you will learn tools to help you make the best decisions for yourself and your family. it saved my life.

take it easy. there's lots of help here at SR.

angelfromheaven

....and you can't have yourself suffer in this either...

I had recently come to a similar point where I said that I can't let this happen to my kids and myself, I don't want them or me destroyed, suffering and watching him destroying himself.

I set boundaries and told him that if he chooses to drink, he has to leave. I always saw alcohol like his mistress....As though it would have hurt my heart very much, because we love each other deeply, I was ready to do that. He went to rehab and is now in successful recovery.

It was his choice, he could have decided to continue, and he may relapse but I made it clear that I have to look after myself and my kids.

Going to Alanon and on websites like SR is a great start, reading and understanding this illness does help too. It helped me a lot.
Take care of yourself!

goldeelox

dvinerite, I can totally relate to you. I am sorry you're dealing with this . Just take it one day at a time and take care of you and your children.That's all you can do for now.

FormerDoormat

YES!!!

Bookworm88

I feel for you. I have loved my husband for almost 22 years and we have 2 sons who are 20 and 15. Like your husband he is not abusive and has held the same job for 19 years. He does not drink every night either, but drinks at least a 6 pack when he does.

My biggest regret is not setting boundaries with him when my sons were young. Now I have my own guilt from allowing them to be raised in this environment. My advice is to deal with it now so you will not be looking back and regretting it like I am.

wish he'd quit

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I am in a similar situation. I have decided to go ahead and divorce him because this is just not healthy for anyone involved. The wonderful people on this site have made me realize that I can only control myself. I have to constantly remind myself that I can't save him, nor am I his keeper. You say that he is not abusive. That is great if he is not. But please evaluate all aspects of your communication with him. My husband is a manipulator and verbally abusive. It took me a very long time to see it for what it really was. I was young and naive. I am in counseling now and it is the best thing I could have done. I may not be able to make him get healthy, but I can help myself get healthy.

My ds is 5 and my dd is 2. I wish I would have realized the situation for what it is when they were younger. It would have been so much easier on my son. He has began to realize there is a problem and is trying desperately to come up with a way to get his dad to quit drinking.