2many2count

15 years ago I went through a 90 day treatment center. I went in on my own but my mother had to sign me in because I was a minor. I made the decision on July 14th 1987. I was 15 years old. I had indulged in cocaine and acid this particular night and ended up beating my mother in a rage. I sat up all night and pleaded the next morning of the 14th to get me into treatment. She immediately got on the phone and placed me into a very nice treatment facility. After the paperwork and the strip search I had second thoughts about what was fixing to happen. I remember it was 6:45 pm when my mother and I were saying our goodbyes. I was crying and was starting to feel the withdrawals already. When the door shut it locked and that frightened me. I kicked and screamed and scratched myself to inflict pain so that my inner pain would stop. They placed me into a detox room. Padded walls and a bed. I would throw myself around until pure exhaustion set in. They gave me sedatives and they didn't work. It laid me back some but as soon as it would wear off I had realaxed so much my adrenaline would start up again. Back to inflicting pain upon myself so that the inner pain would stop. My Dr. came in on the 2nd day and said "Your mother told me you are an artist. Would you like to get these emotions out on paper? Could we bring you a drawing pad that she left and a pencil?" I told him sure, he could bring me the pad and pencil. So I could stab myself in the legs with the pencil. The withdrawals I had were so intense. I've had 4 children and never felt that type of pain ever. I was finally assigned a private room with a desk and a bed. I actually got to function with the rest of the druggies in there. I would sit in my room and cry so hard in pain that my nose would bleed heavily and my eyes would swell shut. I had scratched up my legs so bad I had scars. I would rip out my hair because I couldn't handle the pain. Remebering all of this makes me know that I don't ever want to go back there. Even these fantasies I've been having. They are whats making me have these urges. Just mere fantasies. Its like a little devil inside saying.."You can do it and you won't get ccaught up in it like back then,you are different now. I had one of my counselors there tell me something that came to mind today. She told me " Always remember the pain you went through so you won't ever come here again" She was right.
My treatment was successful. I have found myself second guessing my abilities to stay clean. I decided to let it out. I wanted everyone to know the pain and suffering I went through so that maybe I can stay in recovery and not slip. I will share more later.

Thanks,
2many2count

phoenix

((((((((((((((((((((2many)))))))))))))))))))


I am glad you could get that out,and sorry that you have had to endure so much.I had some very similar experiences at that same age,and it is amazing what lasting imprints the memories leave.

Keep posting,and know that people care.

phoenix

2many2count

I am glad someone understands. I will share more of my story later. That took alot out of me tonight. Thanks for understanding me. Sometimes in the back of my mind I feel like a freak. It feels nice to not be so alone.

Hugs,
2many

Kaibaby

Thank you for sharing that...your story is inspiring. You went thru so much, but you found the light at the other end...don't ever forget that.

Thank you for sharing that...I know it probably took alot out of you...Just keep on keepin' on, and remember we're all here for you!!

(((HUGS)))

Kai

Juls

2Many,

That is incredible what you went through. My detox was by no means pain free, but I was given some medication that helped with the worst of the symptoms.

I'm glad that you came here to talk about your story. You have alot to share and alot to teach.

Thank you,

Juls

2many2count

The pain became less intense after a while in treatment. I went through the battles of hating myself and everyone around me. I wanted nothing to do with anything in there. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I felt like I was losing my sanity. Actually I was gaining it. I was in the process of turning my life around for the better and didn't even know it. They put me on meds but for me, giving me something to calm me was NOT what I wanted at all. I was used to the up side of drugs not the downers. So I was agitated alot. Sedatives weren't for me. But nevertheless I took them anyhow, they made me. I'm not going to say that this place was bad in any way because it was actually a very nice place. Not somewhere I ever want to go back to but it was better than a state supported treatment center. This was private. Eventually after I found some peace with what was going on I got to start my recovery. I learned how to deal with and accept my addiction and that I'd always be this way. Hard one to swallow! When I finally let go of the bad A$$ attitude I started to heal inside. That was the key....to let go of the defense mode that defended the addiction in my mind. Like when someone says...well, only one won't hurt. It does. I've found from watching others go through recovery and slip that the next time they start using again they use like they are making up for loss time. Double time. I saw people exit and then re-enter a couple of weeks later worse than they were before. So I got to see first hand about how it can re-take you harder the next go 'round. I also learned how to keep myself very busy and to leave no room in between where I would even consider the thoughts that the devil would place there on occasion. I kept a full schedule all of the time. School during the day, work in the evenings and after work, homework and sleep. No time to have friends and I always had an excuse not to have to deal with them.On days off from school my family helped to occupy my time. I would go to the gym or we'd take trips to the beach or the Y so I could swim. Whatever we could do we did it. I also kept a journal during treatment and I would reflect back on that at different times when I would doubt myself or my inner strength. It helped to do this because then I'd remember the pain and suffering again and again. I had to learn to love myself again, which was hard becasue of all of the pain I put my mother through. That took some time but after I heard the words "I forgive you" I took it straight to the heart and have loved her so much since without any disrespect in any way shape or form. The learning to respect her came easily for me because I already did without the drugs. On drugs I didn't hardly respect muyself much less anyone else. I never got into the sex thing while using or stole from anyone. I got my workers permit and worked at a sandwich shop after school for 4 hours everyday. That is how I supported my habit plus I had alot of friends and they shared of course.
I had to ask for alot of forgiveness after I left treatment. For me it did come easy at first but then I started to feel like, Hey, I paid my dues and you guys should just get a grip. At least I wasn't arrested, you know I asked for help. Remember?????
So alot of the I'm sorrys where just left unsaid.
After my daughter was born I looked into her beautiful eyes and had never felt that kind of love before. I knew at that moment that I would never go back..........


I'll share more later. Got tears in my eyes. This is hard to talk about because it used to be private. I'm telling strangers my private feelings. I just want you all to know where I've been and where I've am now hoping I can help someone else and to help me remember where I've been anad that I do not want to go there again.

Tears in NC,
2many2count