2many2count

The pain became less intense after a while in treatment. I went through the battles of hating myself and everyone around me. I wanted nothing to do with anything in there. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I felt like I was losing my sanity. Actually I was gaining it. I was in the process of turning my life around for the better and didn't even know it. They put me on meds but for me, giving me something to calm me was NOT what I wanted at all. I was used to the up side of drugs not the downers. So I was agitated alot. Sedatives weren't for me. But nevertheless I took them anyhow, they made me. I'm not going to say that this place was bad in any way because it was actually a very nice place. Not somewhere I ever want to go back to but it was better than a state supported treatment center. This was private. Eventually after I found some peace with what was going on I got to start my recovery. I learned how to deal with and accept my addiction and that I'd always be this way. Hard one to swallow! When I finally let go of the bad A$$ attitude I started to heal inside. That was the key....to let go of the defense mode that defended the addiction in my mind. Like when someone says...well, only one won't hurt. It does. I've found from watching others go through recovery and slip that the next time they start using again they use like they are making up for loss time. Double time. I saw people exit and then re-enter a couple of weeks later worse than they were before. So I got to see first hand about how it can re-take you harder the next go 'round. I also learned how to keep myself very busy and to leave no room in between where I would even consider the thoughts that the devil would place there on occasion. I kept a full schedule all of the time. School during the day, work in the evenings and after work, homework and sleep. No time to have friends and I always had an excuse not to have to deal with them.On days off from school my family helped to occupy my time. I would go to the gym or we'd take trips to the beach or the Y so I could swim. Whatever we could do we did it. I also kept a journal during treatment and I would reflect back on that at different times when I would doubt myself or my inner strength. It helped to do this because then I'd remember the pain and suffering again and again. I had to learn to love myself again, which was hard becasue of all of the pain I put my mother through. That took some time but after I heard the words "I forgive you" I took it straight to the heart and have loved her so much since without any disrespect in any way shape or form. The learning to respect her came easily for me because I already did without the drugs. On drugs I didn't hardly respect muyself much less anyone else. I never got into the sex thing while using or stole from anyone. I got my workers permit and worked at a sandwich shop after school for 4 hours everyday. That is how I supported my habit plus I had alot of friends and they shared of course.
I had to ask for alot of forgiveness after I left treatment. For me it did come easy at first but then I started to feel like, Hey, I paid my dues and you guys should just get a grip. At least I wasn't arrested, you know I asked for help. Remember?????
So alot of the I'm sorrys where just left unsaid.
After my daughter was born I looked into her beautiful eyes and had never felt that kind of love before. I knew at that moment that I would never go back..........


I'll share more later. Got tears in my eyes. This is hard to talk about because it used to be private. I'm telling strangers my private feelings. I just want you all to know where I've been and where I've am now hoping I can help someone else and to help me remember where I've been anad that I do not want to go there again.

Tears in NC,
2many2count