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Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 21
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HI everyone,
ALot of you were so kind to write me in the last 16 hours. I am feeling alot of anxiety right now and wondered if anyone could give me a pick-me-up. SO, I am home with all the kids right now and my BF just called me to tell me he will be home by 9pm. I feel sick.
He said that he is just starting on the drive back and said, " I did a little socializing after the training and now I'm heading home."
I wanted to say, are you sure you weren't snorting or were you scoring some more drugs?
I am beside myself, I wish he wouldn't come home, because I don't want to deal with this. But I'm also not dragging my kids out of their home to get away from him. I Know I have to say something, but I just feel like puking.
I feel like this is the beginning of the end. THat there is no where this could go but downward and that the end of "us" as I know it is already here. And it it all HIS FAULT!!!! WHy did he have to do this!!?? WHy?? I am just so ANGRY!!!! ANd devastated that he took it all away!!!
And I suspect he is going to deny, or make light of it, or say he is holding it for someone, or get defensive. or MAYBE he will be really apologetic and swear he will stop. But it is all worthless talk!!! I don't want to sleep in the same bed with him. I just desperately want to go back in time before this all happened. How do I get rid of the sick feeling in my stomach? :[
ALot of you were so kind to write me in the last 16 hours. I am feeling alot of anxiety right now and wondered if anyone could give me a pick-me-up. SO, I am home with all the kids right now and my BF just called me to tell me he will be home by 9pm. I feel sick.
He said that he is just starting on the drive back and said, " I did a little socializing after the training and now I'm heading home."
I wanted to say, are you sure you weren't snorting or were you scoring some more drugs?
I am beside myself, I wish he wouldn't come home, because I don't want to deal with this. But I'm also not dragging my kids out of their home to get away from him. I Know I have to say something, but I just feel like puking.
I feel like this is the beginning of the end. THat there is no where this could go but downward and that the end of "us" as I know it is already here. And it it all HIS FAULT!!!! WHy did he have to do this!!?? WHy?? I am just so ANGRY!!!! ANd devastated that he took it all away!!!
And I suspect he is going to deny, or make light of it, or say he is holding it for someone, or get defensive. or MAYBE he will be really apologetic and swear he will stop. But it is all worthless talk!!! I don't want to sleep in the same bed with him. I just desperately want to go back in time before this all happened. How do I get rid of the sick feeling in my stomach? :[
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: WEST CHESTER PA.
Posts: 18
"And it it all HIS FAULT!!!"
you answered your own qoustion. You need to realize that he may have the "disease". It is up to you how you want to handle it, but just remember, it isn't YOUR fault. Take a good look at your kids, everyday i hold mine and love them, and that makes my whole day. You are right, he will most likely tell you its okay, or its not a big deal, or deny it. In all hopes he will say yes, i do have a promblem. No matter what is says, you did nothing wrong. You are not trying to make it like you are the enemy, you are trying to help him, and thats all you can do. You can't worry about him leaving you, if it continues, alot worse things could happen, trust me. we are all pulling for you.
you answered your own qoustion. You need to realize that he may have the "disease". It is up to you how you want to handle it, but just remember, it isn't YOUR fault. Take a good look at your kids, everyday i hold mine and love them, and that makes my whole day. You are right, he will most likely tell you its okay, or its not a big deal, or deny it. In all hopes he will say yes, i do have a promblem. No matter what is says, you did nothing wrong. You are not trying to make it like you are the enemy, you are trying to help him, and thats all you can do. You can't worry about him leaving you, if it continues, alot worse things could happen, trust me. we are all pulling for you.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
And I suspect he is going to deny, or make light of it, or say he is holding it for someone, or get defensive. or MAYBE he will be really apologetic and swear he will stop. But it is all worthless talk!!!
I'm so sorry for your pain. I'm here because of my 26 yo son.
But I was married once to an alcoholic/pot smoker. For 10 years I did
nothing but try to control him. U eventually realize....ya can't. That's what
really hurts. That knowing, no matter what you do, that the person you love
is gonna do what they want, when they want, wherever they want.
1. You didn't cause it.
2. You can't control it.
3. You can't cure it.
You need to take a step back. For you and your kids. Take a step back and
decide if you want to live like this the rest of your life. Cause until he's done with drugs...your always gonna play second. Read the stickies at the top of the page. Read Melodie Beattie's book, "Codependent, No More."
Find yourself an alanon/naranon meeting to get face to face support.
Let Go, Let God. Your worth it. And so are your kids. They don't wanna see mama drivin' herself insane with an insanity she has no control over.
Stop thinking. Clear your mind. Keep repeating, "I'm better than this. I deserve better than this."
It took me 10 long years to finally figure it out. I pray you'll get there sooner.
Keep coming back,
Linda
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Tampa, FL
Posts: 36
I know its hard to keep your mind off of it. I find that my husbands addiction consumes my time. I will be sitting on the couch with my kids watching cartoons and in my mind, I am debating how to handle things. You dont want to disturb the childrens lives, but sometimes it is the lesser of two evils.
Is your boyfriend their father or very close with them? For me, my two girls are sooo sooo sooo close to their Daddy. They are his world. Even with that, he cant beat his addiction. One time, while crying his eyes out like a baby, he told me that he thinks about their faces every time he snorts a line of Oxy. And even that doesnt help him stop. This is a man who would die for his children and now I wonder if he will die in spite of them.
You really need support. You cant handle the stress on your own. We are all here for you if you need to talk, PM me!
Good luck sweetie!
Dawn
Is your boyfriend their father or very close with them? For me, my two girls are sooo sooo sooo close to their Daddy. They are his world. Even with that, he cant beat his addiction. One time, while crying his eyes out like a baby, he told me that he thinks about their faces every time he snorts a line of Oxy. And even that doesnt help him stop. This is a man who would die for his children and now I wonder if he will die in spite of them.
You really need support. You cant handle the stress on your own. We are all here for you if you need to talk, PM me!
Good luck sweetie!
Dawn
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Hi eddison, didn't get a chance to reply to your fist post. I'm glad you found us, but sorry it is under these circumstances. I have only been here a few weeks, and one thing that helped me to get to a better place emotionally was reading, reading, reading. Some days I spent hours online, reading the experience, strength, and hope of others and sharing. It may not seem like much to do now, but it will help you to start thinking seriously about the future and how you will deal with it. Also, try to remember that he is not doing this to hurt you, he is an addict and "that's what addicts do". Somehow thinking about that and the fact that I can't change him, let me feel less angry and less depressed.
About him coming home: I also felt that I should not have to go stay in some hotel cuz my AH screwed up again, so I never left. I think I hurt myself more in the long run. However, is there anywhere else HE can go?
And your right about it being "worthless" talk. Until he is ready to change, he won't change so the best thing you can do is take steps to make you feel better and take care of those kids. I wish you the best.
About him coming home: I also felt that I should not have to go stay in some hotel cuz my AH screwed up again, so I never left. I think I hurt myself more in the long run. However, is there anywhere else HE can go?
And your right about it being "worthless" talk. Until he is ready to change, he won't change so the best thing you can do is take steps to make you feel better and take care of those kids. I wish you the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 21
Yeah, he could go stay with those worthless friends of his, but then I would worry endlessly, and they would be a poor influence. He will be here in half an hour and I can feel the tension and the stress. I cried off and on all day long, so I don't think I will cry. My eyes are all dried up.
The first thing i plan on doing is showing him what I found and then saying I am very concerned. What happens from there depends on his reaction. He might get angry, not talk and go sleep downstairs. Or he might try to sweet talk me into believing there is no problem. I guess it all depends on whether he knows he has a problem or not and whether he wants to do something about it.
I can't help it, but I am very anxious to find out whether those packets are cocaine or heroin. Either one is awful, but I think I would be less mad and more worried about heroin, only because then I might believe it is about his pain. On the other hand, if it is cocaine, then I suspect it is purely for the pleasure and I think he has no intention of stopping. Maybe this sounds weird, but it is just a feeling I get.
The first thing i plan on doing is showing him what I found and then saying I am very concerned. What happens from there depends on his reaction. He might get angry, not talk and go sleep downstairs. Or he might try to sweet talk me into believing there is no problem. I guess it all depends on whether he knows he has a problem or not and whether he wants to do something about it.
I can't help it, but I am very anxious to find out whether those packets are cocaine or heroin. Either one is awful, but I think I would be less mad and more worried about heroin, only because then I might believe it is about his pain. On the other hand, if it is cocaine, then I suspect it is purely for the pleasure and I think he has no intention of stopping. Maybe this sounds weird, but it is just a feeling I get.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
You already know they are heroin or cocaine.
You're already making excuses for yourself by saying you could never uproot the children to leave AND you don't want to kick him out because he'll go stay with his friends who party (and you'll worry.) You've hemmed yourself into a no win situation that depends entirely on HIS response. He'll either deny it or say he'll stop and get help or try to smooth it over. You've given him all the control. What about your control? What about what YOU want?
You're already making excuses for yourself by saying you could never uproot the children to leave AND you don't want to kick him out because he'll go stay with his friends who party (and you'll worry.) You've hemmed yourself into a no win situation that depends entirely on HIS response. He'll either deny it or say he'll stop and get help or try to smooth it over. You've given him all the control. What about your control? What about what YOU want?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
When I was in a similar situation, I wanted answers, I wanted apologies, and I wanted him to make me believe that it would never happen again. Now I try to keep in mind that the only thing I can really depend on is me. I'm new at this too, but after about 7 years of on again off again relapses on pills and meth, I try to take things one day at a time and not stress too much about the things I cannot change, but think about what I can. Sorry--I'm not trying to tell you that it's all going to be ok or that its easy, just that there is hope.
When he gets home, be prepared to not get everything you want from him.....just know that the discussion might not make you feel better. Whatever happens, I hope you make it through the night without feeling so overwhelmed and maybe tomorrow (maybe) the anger will ease. Take care.
When he gets home, be prepared to not get everything you want from him.....just know that the discussion might not make you feel better. Whatever happens, I hope you make it through the night without feeling so overwhelmed and maybe tomorrow (maybe) the anger will ease. Take care.
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