notsleepingwell

Hello, my friends. I haven't been on in such a long time, well it feels like an eternity from here. For those of you who don't know my story....my daughter got outta rehab the beginning of Dec, and moved in with me. It has been a rocky road to say the least.
She's on methadone, and that seems to be working well, but the problem stems from the fact that when she moved in the boyfriend came toooo. It started out being for one month, but one month turned into 2, then 3....and here we are 5 mos later.
It hasn't all been troubled though. My grandson seems to flourish with his mom around. And that's a blessing. It was such a terrible time when we didn't know where she was!!!
Tonight we just got into such a terrible fight. Not with my grandson's ears around...I was driving my daughter to an app't and started having a conversation about the boyfriend. Well I knew it would turn ugly....and it did. The boyfriend apparently has been waiting (4) months for a security job. He told me at the beginning of the month that he would be working by the end of the month. I mentioned this to my daughter and things blew outta control. I said..."if he's not working by the end of the month...he's out!!!".

Needless to say....things spiraled quickly outta control. I told her that I was sinking into a black hole of debt, and that I could not continue to support 3 adults and a child for $300/mth. My credit cards are maxed! My grocery bill has quadrupled. The electric bill, the water bill, the gas I spend on driving them to get their methadone every day, on and on and on!!

She proceeded to tell me that I have it good now...because she's cleaning the house while I'm at work...and he does things around the house as well. Let me just say...he did shovel the drive this winter when I lost my friggin mind another day after working 12 hours and coming home to the two of them lying on the couch and watching TV.

I just cannot believe, they can be sooo ungrateful!!! Then she proceeded to tell me they would move out pronto when she gets custody back cause then they could afford to buy groceries on their welfare checks. OMG!!! WTF!!!

I thought I was doing a wonderful thing letting them live with us....but I wonder....it seems it's just allowed them to lie around...watch tv while someone else works to pay the cable bill etc., etc., etc.

Bitter??? You bet!!! I wish I knew the right thing to do....I thought I was doing it...but....now I wonder. I just wanna pack up and move back to Cali...but I know I can't....I'm stuck here ....probably need therapy...serious therapy....

I don't have a life...go to work...come home....drive to the methadone clinic...go to work...come home....You get the picture.

Anyway...guess I just needed to vent a little. I just wish I could sever the tie between the boyfriend and her. The last fight..they were gonna move out...and I said to her...how about you leave your boyfriend instead of your son for a change...that didn't sink in either....

I have to say....I was sooo grateful this past Easter....we spent it together...just last Easter...we didn't know where she was...if she was alive....etc., etc.

Why do I always hafta pick fights?? I guess, I'm just under soooo much stress from all the financial problems. And coming home to everyone lying on the couch just sends me insane!!! I know they are recovering addicts....I just can't seem to remember it all the time cause they seem to be doing soooo well.

Lobo

(((Notsleepingwell)))
I was wondering where you were. Boy, you are really a saint to be putting up with this situation. Why doesn't your daughter work? It sure sounds like you have about one nerve left....and I certainly understand why. They may be recovering addicts but if they are doing as good as you say that they are then they should both be working and helping you pay for expenses. They should be giving you gas money for taking them to the clinic. Why are you putting up with this? Are you afraid to let go for fear of what will happen to them? The reason I say that is because I feel the same way about my daughter.

She is working and living with me and as much as I want her to move out it scares me.
It is not that I want to control her life. It is just knowing that she is here and I can see how she is doing for myself. I know how scary it was when she was out in LA and I didn't know if she was dead or alive. I just can't live through that again.

I know you are happy that your daughter is with you but it is very hard on you. It wouldn't be so bad if they were helping. I just wanted you to know that I understand and sympathize with you.

Hugs............Lo

notsleepingwell

OMG...thank you, thank you!!! You guessed right...I'm terrified she will relapse and disappear from our lives again. She honestly is a wonderful person, but unfortunately is in love with this loser!!! My grandson, so loves having her around. And he loves the loser toooo, he's actually the only father he's known!!

They've both had legal issues....his was shoplifting, and her's was accessory to shoplifting....they are both on probation. She had a job at a call center but when they did the security check, she got fired. She's trying to make jewelry, but that's not exactly taking off!! Plus it's sooo expensive to get started in. The beads cost a ruddy fortune.

I think getting fired was soooo embarrassing for her, that she kinda sunk into a depression, so I was molly coddling her, trying to let her get her self esteem up again. It's such a hard journey. It seems almost impossible!!!

Thanks for the kind words, nice to see everyone again

sailorjohn

Just an observation, was struck by the statement about the bf? shoveling the snow after you got home from a 12hr work day and it hadn't been done, the two of them had been sitting on the couch watching tv.

"What do you get when you sober up a drunken horse thief?"

Spiritual Seeker

I think telling BF a job or out is very reasonable boundary.
Often when we let grown addicts come home they regress.
You can't let your fear for her stop you from having and enforcing boundaries for both of them. You deserve to have a life w/o all this stress.

marle

NSW, I have missed you and been wondering how you and your grandson and daughter are doing. I guess that getting clean does not solve all of our problems with our addict children Have you read about the Karpmann Drama Triangle and the parts we play in being the victim. Sounds like it would make perfect sense here. Anytime that we do for other people what they should do for themselves it creates resentment for both parties involved. Maybe it is time to give your daughter a date that she needs to be out. I know how afraid you are of losing her, but for your own sanity I think you need to take the chance. You never know. Maybe she and the bf will get along better when they are both taking care of themselves. Hugs, Marle

outonalimb

((((((((((NSW))))))))))

I've missed you !

I can seriously relate to your predicament.

When my exah switched from heroin to methadone I was just so 'grateful' that he wasn't using heroin anymore that I bent over backwards to 'help' him get to and from the clinic. He wasn't working for a while and he lived with me and our son. I thought I was doing the right thing for our son's sake..helping his dad get back on his feet.

I also dug myself into a hole financially. I seethed with resentment every time I sat outside the methadone clinic...I often ran late to work because of these trips to the clinic. I was so full of resentment and yet so afraid to stop doing what I was doing because I was afraid that when/if I stopped, my exah would spiral back into his addiction.

I would come home from work and find my exah lying around the house and I would seeth with resentment that I had been out working all day to pay the bills and buy groceries and here he was, an able-bodied man, lying around my house. I would sit and watch him eat a bowl of cereal and I would resent his very existence.

I felt kind of ashamed of myself because wasn't this what I had hoped and prayed for? Hadn't I prayed that my exah would get off the heroin? Wasn't I supposed to be grateful? Didn't I have an obligation to continue to 'help' my exah so that my son could have his dad in his life?

It felt like a no win situation. I felt trapped in a web of my own making.

Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore. I gave my exah an 'out date'. I told him that he either needed to make other arrangements for where he would live and find a way to support himself or I would drop him off at the nearest homeless shelter.

And then, when the day came, I followed thru.

And you know what? My exah didn't spiral back into the heroin. Oh sure, he floundered around for a long time...he lived in a friend's rental home without any furniture and probably without any food for a while. But somehow, he survived and today he's doing much better.

My son, who was about 7 years old when this all happened, survived. My son knew that his dad struggled with addiction and I merely explained to him that his dad had some issues to work out and we both continued to pray for him after he left.

I firmly believe that my exah would still be living on my couch...and living off my 'generosity' to this day if I hadn't put an end to the situation.

The way your daughter and her boyfriend are living is undignified. They can't take any pride in the way they are living off of you right now. Give them the dignity of finding their own way. I know there are set backs and hurdles they have to deal with due to their prior shoplifting charges...but my exah had similar hurdes. He didn't have a driver's license. He had to find a way to get back and forth to work and the clinic. He found a way. They can always find a way to do what they need to do but they don't need to do it so long as someone else is willing to do it for them.

You need to do whats right for you and your grandson right now.
Sending hugs to you. You sound like you really need them right now.

notsleepingwell

Ohhhh, I've missed you guys soooo much. I don't know why I stopped dropping by...I see now...I still need you guys more than ever. Funny, I thought, since she was in recovery, that perhaps I didn't need to come here sooo often. But I guess, I've been letting my recovery slip. AND HOW!!!

As I've said above, my life has been all about her and the friggin methadone clinic.

OOAL...you absolutely hit the nail on the head, I am seething with resentment, resentment that I'm the only breadwinner, resentment that I'm in this predicament, resentment that I've lost my former life, resentment that I'm workin at a place I hate (when I used to love my job in Cali), resentment that I'm sinking into debt, resentment that I don't have a life....OMG....the list goes on and on.

They give me such good reasons why I should continue to allow them to stay....and I have to say, it has been convenient with babysitting...esp for the night shifts. And my daughter keeps my house spotless (well most of the time). And mostly, for my grandson, who loves the both of them.

Marle....I've missed all of you more than you can know...is that a book you are talking about...and is that the title?? Sounds like I need it!!!

SS....you are right...it's just so hard to talk to them without it spiralling down into a fight.

Sailor....your saying struck a cord!!! A drunken horse thief...lol. Loved it!

Lobo

NSW,
I know that we are both putting up with things out of fear. I know the feeling of what is the less of the two evils. At one point my daughter was locked in the liquid handcuffs of methadone. I too remember the daily trips to the clinic. I also felt like I was handcuffed. I was so happy when she got off of it. I also feel like her living with me she maintains a much better lifestyle. My daughter does work and is trying to get enough money together to be able to move out. I feel like you in the fact that I don't want to lose her again. Sometimes in the porocess of not wanting to lose her I am losing myself.

Marle also told me to google the Karpmann Drama Triangle. Boy, that sure hit home.
I don't know if there is a book but I read it on the computer.

If they want to set a good example for your grandson then they need to show him a good work ethic. He needs to see that life doesn't provide a free ride. I wouldn't want him to take advantage of you someday. Maybe it is time for a family meeting.

I wish you the best....I know you are in a tough situation and I understand.

notsleepingwell

Lobo....how did she get off the methadone?? Was it long? Difficult? The boyfriend is tapering down and it seems to be alright, is that how your daughter did it?? I keep trying to remember it's baby steps....seems on methadone they are sooo normal, I guess I forget they are fragile and recovering.
Thanks for the wishes....helps to know I'm still not alone, I guess, I was off the site sooo long I forgot how wonderful it is to walk with all you angels by my side.

caileesnana

Glad to see you back here! Missed hearing from you.
susan

Lobo

She did not function well on methadone. She fell asleep driving a couple of times. She would pull off the road and fall asleep in parking lots etc. She had ambulances called on her a few times because people thought she was sick or dead in her car. I know more people that had the same results. Well, when she could no longer drive it was put upon me. She basically had no life on that drug. She then went to rehab out in LA. She was clean for quite sometime. Her and abf started using again.... back to methadone...using both drugs and methadone. I sent her to rapid detox where they detox you off of methadone in a day or two. She said it was not pleasant but she is glad she did it. She never went back to methadone. She has had a couple of relapses but she remains clean today. At one point she did take suboxone. She tapered off of that and was fine. I think the suboxone was much better.....that is really when she started to pull her life together. For her that worked. She seemed very nomal on it.
She has been clean for 9 months now. She recently had a relapse with alcohol and I flipped out. She is okay for now, but it is just way too hard for her to be living in my house. I watch all of her moves and I live in constant fear. I am the type of person that will live in fear either way.....if she lives with me or not. I really don't know the lesser of the two evils.

ZombieWife

It's so hard to support one other person let alone a few! And I don't even want to know how much the methadone costs. I imagine it's a bit.

My husband was out of work (he was laid off the same day we got bad news about our daughter having kidney problems,) so I just lost it. Cried and cried. He went out, got a job the next day. It was a cruddy job that paid $7/hour (plus meager tips) but he did it for 1.5 weeks until something permanent and far more lucrative was available.

You humble yourself. You work at McDonald's until you find something better. It's money incoming. Because you earn it at a fast food restaurant doesn't make it any less valuable.

Were it me, I'd turn off the cable. Turn off the phone (get a personal cell phone.) Buy your own food every night and make it for yourself. Lock up your personal items. Give them a roof over their head and little else. If I could find a way to turn off the hot water, I'd do that too, but that's just because I'd want to take this the whole nine yards.

Welfare will only get them so far. I think it's limited to how long you can be on it and if they are not officially looking for jobs (at least one of them,) they can be reported.

At any rate, I would also be LIVID! I would be hoppin', spittin' mad.

lostparent

So glad to see you back was wondering how you were.

BigSis

(((NSW))) You are just having normal conversations with self-involved addicts. The self-involvement doesn't end, just because the using does. Addiction is far more than the drug use... as you can see.

Why don't you add an alanon or naraon meeting right in there between come home and got the methadone clinic. And your daughter can either go in with you or wait in the car. Since you will be on the way TO the clinic, she might be willing to wait.

Put YOUR SELF in as a priority - they won't do it for you, and really shouldn't. Making ourselves important is OUR job. (((hugs)))

Ann

(((NSW)))

I've missed you too and am glad you know we're here and we care.

Yes, the front row seat to addiction has got to be the worst seat in the house, and I totally understand how fear can make us tolerate that which we would never tolerate under any other circumstance.

I don't have all the answers, sure wish I did, but we both know that all the mother's love and help in the world won't make them stay clean if they don't want to.

I too remember coming home from a long hard day at work and finding the recovering gf from hell laying on the couch having done nothing all day, and the son who didn't do much more. It ain't pretty and it can suck the life right out of us.

Only you can decide what is right for you, but I agree with BigSis, grab yourself some meetings and get the focus back on you and what YOU need from life.

And stick around, good days and bad, we're walking with you here.

Sending hugs and prayers from one mom's heart to another's.

Danishthorn

Its wonderful that you are trying to support your daughter (in every way), but is someone supporting you? As loved ones, I think we are forgotten. One human being can only carry so much on their back before it breaks. Two or three can make it a bearable trip.

God bless!
Dawn

bookmiser

(((((((((((((NSW)))))))))))))))



Yep! I did that for 10 months straight. I drove him wherever he needed to go. Rehab? Yeah, right. I finally put him in jail for 6 months.
One thing that I've seriously learned while learning to set boundries, detach with love, and hand him over to God, is that I cannot live with my sonlol
Thank God he's found a new mom. Oh, guess you don't know about her. lol
She's 37 to his 26 and she works to support them both. Can you say idiot?
Granted, he is doing so much better now, but the best part....
I am too.lol
Get out your recovery tools and start over, sweetie. You'll get there.
I've missed ya, Not. Really I have. Don't stay away so long next time.
Love, prayers, and no steel-toed bunny slippers,
Linda

Hangin' In

Hey Notsleeping...so good to see you!

You know your post reminds me why I am pretty grateful that my AD lives 500 miles away. We tried that "living at home" thing and I'm telling you I'm just thankful no one ended up hurting the other one. I, like you, was finding myself filled with resentment and didn't appreciate the ungrateful attitude.

And I, too, can identify with the fear..oh man, can I identify with that. But at some point, I HAD to start working the steps (I attend Al Anon and it's helped tremendously) and trusting in my HP, trusting that he would be in control if and when AD moved out.

AD did move out, under what seemed to be the most horrible circumstances...going back to old places, people and things with no money, no job, no place to live. How in the world could that work for good? Notsleeping, don't ask me how, but her HP DID work it for good. I was called on to have the faith to let her go. What's that saying around here..."live and let live", or "let go and let God?" That was it, Notsleeping. I HAD to do it.

Now I'm not suggesting what you should do. I just share that to let you know that in our human minds we can think we just KNOW what is best. My HP has shown me that turning my AD over to him is the best move I can make. I just have to get out of the way and let him get to her.

I pray that you and your AD can come to some kind of solution to this not so great arrangement. I know meetings certainly helped me to learn to set boundaries which helped with my resentment.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

CatsPajamas

((NSW))

What they said.

I'm glad you're back.

Cats