Do I stay or do I go?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 36
Do I stay or do I go?
I think I accidentally misunderstood the forums and posted this in the wrong place. Peaceteach suggested I post my original message here instead. So, here it is....
I guess I should start with some background since I'm pretty new to this site. I've been married to my AH for almost 19 years now and things are progressively getting worse with his addictions. I knew that he experimented with a lot of drugs in high school, but I believed he stopped all that for good once we met and then married. About 15 years ago, he began drinking. At first it was minimal, but it has grown more and more over time. Now, it's nothing for him to drink 12 or 15 beers per night and mix in a little liquor too. I've also known that he's been abusing prescription painkillers for about 3 years, in varying amounts and degrees. He would smoke pot occasionally with his friends too. This past year, he admitted to me that he's used cocaine at least twice. I think it's probably much more and he just isn't admitting the truth to me. I'm the polar opposite: I may have alcohol 4 or 5 times per year and only one or two drinks each time if I do. I don't take painkillers unless I absolutely have to; I've tried marijuana twice and didn't get the allure of it (I didn't feel anything); I've never tried any other kind of illegal drug. AH is violent and cruel and unpredictable. He speaks to me and to our teenager in the worst possible way and then thinks an apology after the fact should fix it. To all of his friends, he's the life of the party, a charmer, a really great guy to hang out with and live life to the fullest with. He's the guy you want to be like. None of them have any idea how he treats us at home. He's this businessman who appears all fun and suave and successful, but he's really falling apart here at home. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the all the money he spends going to bars. I'm sick of all the friends he has over to our house at all hours without asking me how I feel about it. I'm sick of having to tiptoe around him worried I'll set off another argument accidentally. I'm sick of pretending I think he's funny. I'm sick of living a lie. I've seriously been thinking about divorcing him, but I'm not sure that I'm strong enough to go through with it. I know if/when I tell him about it, it will be the worst fight ever. He will probably berate me for hours, not let me sleep, not let me leave, threaten me, threaten the pets, you name it and he might do it. I just can't help but think that I've given him half my life and I don't want to waste any more of it on him.... Then I wonder if I'm being too hard on him. If this is a disease, which all the literature says it is, am I being unfair to leave him because he is sick? Right now he's trying to be nicer, he's staying out of bars more and staying home some. Should I give in? I just don't know. Any guidance you can give me, any stories youc an share would be great.
T
I guess I should start with some background since I'm pretty new to this site. I've been married to my AH for almost 19 years now and things are progressively getting worse with his addictions. I knew that he experimented with a lot of drugs in high school, but I believed he stopped all that for good once we met and then married. About 15 years ago, he began drinking. At first it was minimal, but it has grown more and more over time. Now, it's nothing for him to drink 12 or 15 beers per night and mix in a little liquor too. I've also known that he's been abusing prescription painkillers for about 3 years, in varying amounts and degrees. He would smoke pot occasionally with his friends too. This past year, he admitted to me that he's used cocaine at least twice. I think it's probably much more and he just isn't admitting the truth to me. I'm the polar opposite: I may have alcohol 4 or 5 times per year and only one or two drinks each time if I do. I don't take painkillers unless I absolutely have to; I've tried marijuana twice and didn't get the allure of it (I didn't feel anything); I've never tried any other kind of illegal drug. AH is violent and cruel and unpredictable. He speaks to me and to our teenager in the worst possible way and then thinks an apology after the fact should fix it. To all of his friends, he's the life of the party, a charmer, a really great guy to hang out with and live life to the fullest with. He's the guy you want to be like. None of them have any idea how he treats us at home. He's this businessman who appears all fun and suave and successful, but he's really falling apart here at home. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the all the money he spends going to bars. I'm sick of all the friends he has over to our house at all hours without asking me how I feel about it. I'm sick of having to tiptoe around him worried I'll set off another argument accidentally. I'm sick of pretending I think he's funny. I'm sick of living a lie. I've seriously been thinking about divorcing him, but I'm not sure that I'm strong enough to go through with it. I know if/when I tell him about it, it will be the worst fight ever. He will probably berate me for hours, not let me sleep, not let me leave, threaten me, threaten the pets, you name it and he might do it. I just can't help but think that I've given him half my life and I don't want to waste any more of it on him.... Then I wonder if I'm being too hard on him. If this is a disease, which all the literature says it is, am I being unfair to leave him because he is sick? Right now he's trying to be nicer, he's staying out of bars more and staying home some. Should I give in? I just don't know. Any guidance you can give me, any stories youc an share would be great.
T
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Heya make a change--
welcome and I know we all kind of find this place when we are in deep pain- but you've come to a place that will offer you lots and lots of hope for making it better!
If you've been reading posts maybe you already saw this posted today by ASKING WHY but it really blew my mind and maybe you will recognize yourself in some of what he describes:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lked-away.html
Take it easy-- keep posting and reading - you've opened a bright new chapter in a heavy book and I know many people will respond soon- people who have stood in your shoes---
(((HUGS)))
Peace,
B.
welcome and I know we all kind of find this place when we are in deep pain- but you've come to a place that will offer you lots and lots of hope for making it better!
If you've been reading posts maybe you already saw this posted today by ASKING WHY but it really blew my mind and maybe you will recognize yourself in some of what he describes:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lked-away.html
Take it easy-- keep posting and reading - you've opened a bright new chapter in a heavy book and I know many people will respond soon- people who have stood in your shoes---
(((HUGS)))
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome!
You deserve so much more than what you say you have. You deserve respect and love. You deserve peace in your life. Your child deserves so much better.
You teen is learning that this is a normal marriage, that alcoholism and drug use are ok and normal, that abuse is normal and acceptable behaviors. Is this what you want?
Only you can decide what is the right course of action but do remember that you deserve a good life.
You deserve so much more than what you say you have. You deserve respect and love. You deserve peace in your life. Your child deserves so much better.
You teen is learning that this is a normal marriage, that alcoholism and drug use are ok and normal, that abuse is normal and acceptable behaviors. Is this what you want?
Only you can decide what is the right course of action but do remember that you deserve a good life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I know that, for a lot of us, it helped to do some thinking around boundaries.
Some of mine were: I will no longer live with you if you lie to me, if you fail to pay your own way in life, or if your abuse of alcohol and drugs doesn't stop.
Of course, it took a long time to get to that point. First I had to think through what I wanted out of life......whether I thought that it was my lot in life to be with a man who lied, cheated, drank, borrowed money, was abusive etc. It took quite a while to be able to honestly answer that question: is this how I envisioned my life? Is this the best I think I can hope for?
When I realized that I wanted something better for myself, then I was willing to set boundaries and stick to them. I was clear about what they were and clear about what I'd have to do to protect myself if he crossed them.
He crossed them, of course, and I ended up going through that scary separation (he was deeply codependent, and turned into a stalker) and building a much better life for myself. It was tough. But I do not regret it for one single solitary minute. In fact, I wonder why on earth I stayed in such a dreadful situation for so long.
As an adult child of alcoholics & addicts, I tend to agree with Barbara as well. Kids learn what they live. If you have boys, they are learning the acceptable way to treat their families from this situation. If you have girls, they are learning -- from YOU -- that they should be expected to stay in an abusive relationship. These are the life-lessons they are absorbing....that I did.....and that it took many many years to un-do as an adult. I was forty before I had my first non-abusive relationship.
Only you can decide whether it is worth it to quietly make a plan and set boundaries. Would you like a better life for yourself and your kids than the one you've got? Do you think it's worth it to try?
(p.s. a "sickness" -- and there are many here who dispute that model -- does not give someone permission to treat you & your kids as horribly as you're being treated...he seems, from your description, to be a man who seems to be accustomed to bullying his way to anything he wants. A sick bully is still a bully.)
Some of mine were: I will no longer live with you if you lie to me, if you fail to pay your own way in life, or if your abuse of alcohol and drugs doesn't stop.
Of course, it took a long time to get to that point. First I had to think through what I wanted out of life......whether I thought that it was my lot in life to be with a man who lied, cheated, drank, borrowed money, was abusive etc. It took quite a while to be able to honestly answer that question: is this how I envisioned my life? Is this the best I think I can hope for?
When I realized that I wanted something better for myself, then I was willing to set boundaries and stick to them. I was clear about what they were and clear about what I'd have to do to protect myself if he crossed them.
He crossed them, of course, and I ended up going through that scary separation (he was deeply codependent, and turned into a stalker) and building a much better life for myself. It was tough. But I do not regret it for one single solitary minute. In fact, I wonder why on earth I stayed in such a dreadful situation for so long.
As an adult child of alcoholics & addicts, I tend to agree with Barbara as well. Kids learn what they live. If you have boys, they are learning the acceptable way to treat their families from this situation. If you have girls, they are learning -- from YOU -- that they should be expected to stay in an abusive relationship. These are the life-lessons they are absorbing....that I did.....and that it took many many years to un-do as an adult. I was forty before I had my first non-abusive relationship.
Only you can decide whether it is worth it to quietly make a plan and set boundaries. Would you like a better life for yourself and your kids than the one you've got? Do you think it's worth it to try?
(p.s. a "sickness" -- and there are many here who dispute that model -- does not give someone permission to treat you & your kids as horribly as you're being treated...he seems, from your description, to be a man who seems to be accustomed to bullying his way to anything he wants. A sick bully is still a bully.)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: California
Posts: 303
Hi Makeachange, welcome to SR!
I can relate to your story, our situations are similar. This is what has worked for me:
1. Talk with a therapist
2. Attend alanon mtgs.
3. Read/Post here at SR
4. Set Boundaries
I say what I mean, and mean what I say. I am no longer in the business of accepting unacceptable behavior. From anyone.
My ah has informed me that he will never stop drinking. I have chosen to stay in the marriage (19 yrs., 2 children).
I have made my ah aware of my boundaries, and I stick to them. My boundaries are for my protection, not for telling my ah what I want/don't want him to do but, rather, this is the action I will take if you overstep my boundary.
Maybe you've heard this before: You did not Cause him to drink, you cannot Control his drinking, and you cannot Cure his drinking.
You are not being too hard on him. You see that he is doing something that is unhealthy for him, unhealthy for your relationship, and unhealthy for your child to witness.
Trust your feelings....trust your instincts......trust that "voice" inside of you.
My father was an alcoholic. My husband is an alcoholic. I will do everything in my power to make sure that my children do not go down the same path that I did....
Keep us posted.....
Shivaya
I can relate to your story, our situations are similar. This is what has worked for me:
1. Talk with a therapist
2. Attend alanon mtgs.
3. Read/Post here at SR
4. Set Boundaries
I say what I mean, and mean what I say. I am no longer in the business of accepting unacceptable behavior. From anyone.
My ah has informed me that he will never stop drinking. I have chosen to stay in the marriage (19 yrs., 2 children).
I have made my ah aware of my boundaries, and I stick to them. My boundaries are for my protection, not for telling my ah what I want/don't want him to do but, rather, this is the action I will take if you overstep my boundary.
Maybe you've heard this before: You did not Cause him to drink, you cannot Control his drinking, and you cannot Cure his drinking.
You are not being too hard on him. You see that he is doing something that is unhealthy for him, unhealthy for your relationship, and unhealthy for your child to witness.
Trust your feelings....trust your instincts......trust that "voice" inside of you.
My father was an alcoholic. My husband is an alcoholic. I will do everything in my power to make sure that my children do not go down the same path that I did....
Keep us posted.....
Shivaya
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 91
Hey Makeachange. When it's time to go, you'll just know. I know that concept is hard to understand but you'll just know when you've reached your limit and you won't have to ask anyone if it's the right time or not. You'll just know..and you just be at a point that you'll absolutely be sure of what you are doing. You may be in a state of shock when you do it...it all may seem like you're in a haze or a fog, but in your mind you absolutely know what you are doing and why.
I hope that your relationship works out. I hope he sincerely does want to change and will work a program and wake up to see what he has standing in front and beside him. But, you also need to prepare yourself in case he does not.
There's no magic timetable. It happens in each situation when it's supposed to and when it's right for it to.
Peace with you and prayers for you.
I hope that your relationship works out. I hope he sincerely does want to change and will work a program and wake up to see what he has standing in front and beside him. But, you also need to prepare yourself in case he does not.
There's no magic timetable. It happens in each situation when it's supposed to and when it's right for it to.
Peace with you and prayers for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
First off, from what I read in your post, the issue is not only about his being sick: the issue is also about his being violent and emotionally abusive, not only to you, but also to your child.
Secondly, where is it written that one has to stay with someone who is sick even 1) if that person is refusing treatment for his disease, and 2) if his disease is contagious (....you may not "catch" the physical alcoholism, but you and your family have obviously caught "the alcoholic dysfunction," which, on an emotional and spiritual level, is just as dangerous)???????
Finally, how you decide is by figuring out what kind of life you want and deserve for yourself and your child...and then by honestly evaluating the chances of your having that kind of life with him. Al Anon meetings would most likely be helpful with this part.
freya
P.S. ....and always remember: It's not about if or how much you love him; it's about if and how much you love yourself.
Secondly, where is it written that one has to stay with someone who is sick even 1) if that person is refusing treatment for his disease, and 2) if his disease is contagious (....you may not "catch" the physical alcoholism, but you and your family have obviously caught "the alcoholic dysfunction," which, on an emotional and spiritual level, is just as dangerous)???????
Finally, how you decide is by figuring out what kind of life you want and deserve for yourself and your child...and then by honestly evaluating the chances of your having that kind of life with him. Al Anon meetings would most likely be helpful with this part.
freya
P.S. ....and always remember: It's not about if or how much you love him; it's about if and how much you love yourself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Back South where I belong!
Posts: 210
Makeachange,
I went back and forth on staying/going for years, believing my husband every time he told me he was a "new person" who had an epiphany and was walking into a new life and now everything would be different and wonderful and he would no longer be drinking. Trouble is, nothing else changed, so he was sober for a few weeks/months and then before you know it, the sneaking around, lying, hiding and binges started up again.
I shudder to think I was just a few weeks away from letting him back into my life after some couples therapy when he had his wreck, seriously injuring an innocent family of four and himself. There were open bottles in his truck. He had been lying to me once again about being clean and sober. Duh!! Now he's facing 10 felony DUI counts and I am finally convinced that there is NOTHING I can do to help him stop drinking except step out of his life. His family thinks I'm neurotic (probably am after all this!) and that's why he drank. OK. I'm outta here - now we'll see what happens!
Anyway, my point is (I think) that it was abundantly clear to me when I had reached my limit and I had no other choice but to act decisively. I prayed for signs - and I got them every time, although I have to say they were not to my liking. Tough? Really tough. Still. Someone here said we are addicted to the addict which I thought was a good way to put it.
I went back and forth on staying/going for years, believing my husband every time he told me he was a "new person" who had an epiphany and was walking into a new life and now everything would be different and wonderful and he would no longer be drinking. Trouble is, nothing else changed, so he was sober for a few weeks/months and then before you know it, the sneaking around, lying, hiding and binges started up again.
I shudder to think I was just a few weeks away from letting him back into my life after some couples therapy when he had his wreck, seriously injuring an innocent family of four and himself. There were open bottles in his truck. He had been lying to me once again about being clean and sober. Duh!! Now he's facing 10 felony DUI counts and I am finally convinced that there is NOTHING I can do to help him stop drinking except step out of his life. His family thinks I'm neurotic (probably am after all this!) and that's why he drank. OK. I'm outta here - now we'll see what happens!
Anyway, my point is (I think) that it was abundantly clear to me when I had reached my limit and I had no other choice but to act decisively. I prayed for signs - and I got them every time, although I have to say they were not to my liking. Tough? Really tough. Still. Someone here said we are addicted to the addict which I thought was a good way to put it.
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