I Walked Away
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 91
I Walked Away
Sorry I haven't posted much, but it's been a rather hectic month. I walked away from it all almost a month ago. AW and I are getting a divorce and I am busy setting up my home and my life on my own.
Looking back now, it's easy to see several things that might help some of you who want to get out, but are afraid to take the step. This is at least some of the things I've discovered already:
(1) I would always set boundaries and draw the line in the sand. AW would always step over the line and I'd always move the line farther out. Finally, one day, I woke up and knew that I couldnt' move my line anymore. That it had been crossed for the last time. I can't explain to you how I knew, but just like so many have posted here before, you just know when the time is finally here and you get to a point where you've had soo much and taken sooo much that you just say "that's it".
(2) The relief of the stress is phenomenal. Do I miss AW? Sure I do. but I don't miss for one second the crap that I took and that I had to put up with. I have already been told by several people who I work with and people who know me well that I am a different person...that I am not uptight and stressed and that "you're like you used to be".
(3) The fear that you face when trying to make this decision will resolve itself. We all have different tolerance levels. Yours might be a lot different than mine or anyone else who posts here. No one, not one single poster, can tell you individually when to get out. You have to decide that for yourself and it's scary as all heck. But, when you hit that point and know it's time, you'll say to heck with the fear and push it aside and it will not have any impact on your decision. The fear you feel now while trying to decide is what is making you worry and stress out about the entire process the most. It will go away.
(4) The world becomes a much brighter place once you make the move. For years all I'd seen was gloom and doom. I'd not taken the time to notice flowers blooming in the spring time. Sure I'd seen them, but I'd never really paid much attention. You see things in a different light and your whole world suddenly opens back up to like it was at some point before you got so lost in an alcoholic relationship.
(5) You rediscover your friends. You've felt so alone for so long battling this problem. You either didn't dare tell any friends, or those you did tell you feel like they got so sick of hearing about it that when they saw your number on the caller ID they just ignored it. But you suddenly realize when you make the break that all of your old friends have been there all the time, however you've been so consumed with the problem at hand, that you are the one who has forgotten them!
I'm living proof that the world does not end once you get out. The sun still comes up...the rain still falls...the world goes on...and you hurt, oh you do hurt, but not any more than you were already hurting.
I've learned to live life as an adventure and look at every new twist, turn and corner like an Idiana Jones movie....instead of living in a drama/soap opera.
Just wanted to express. I'll be around.
Looking back now, it's easy to see several things that might help some of you who want to get out, but are afraid to take the step. This is at least some of the things I've discovered already:
(1) I would always set boundaries and draw the line in the sand. AW would always step over the line and I'd always move the line farther out. Finally, one day, I woke up and knew that I couldnt' move my line anymore. That it had been crossed for the last time. I can't explain to you how I knew, but just like so many have posted here before, you just know when the time is finally here and you get to a point where you've had soo much and taken sooo much that you just say "that's it".
(2) The relief of the stress is phenomenal. Do I miss AW? Sure I do. but I don't miss for one second the crap that I took and that I had to put up with. I have already been told by several people who I work with and people who know me well that I am a different person...that I am not uptight and stressed and that "you're like you used to be".
(3) The fear that you face when trying to make this decision will resolve itself. We all have different tolerance levels. Yours might be a lot different than mine or anyone else who posts here. No one, not one single poster, can tell you individually when to get out. You have to decide that for yourself and it's scary as all heck. But, when you hit that point and know it's time, you'll say to heck with the fear and push it aside and it will not have any impact on your decision. The fear you feel now while trying to decide is what is making you worry and stress out about the entire process the most. It will go away.
(4) The world becomes a much brighter place once you make the move. For years all I'd seen was gloom and doom. I'd not taken the time to notice flowers blooming in the spring time. Sure I'd seen them, but I'd never really paid much attention. You see things in a different light and your whole world suddenly opens back up to like it was at some point before you got so lost in an alcoholic relationship.
(5) You rediscover your friends. You've felt so alone for so long battling this problem. You either didn't dare tell any friends, or those you did tell you feel like they got so sick of hearing about it that when they saw your number on the caller ID they just ignored it. But you suddenly realize when you make the break that all of your old friends have been there all the time, however you've been so consumed with the problem at hand, that you are the one who has forgotten them!
I'm living proof that the world does not end once you get out. The sun still comes up...the rain still falls...the world goes on...and you hurt, oh you do hurt, but not any more than you were already hurting.
I've learned to live life as an adventure and look at every new twist, turn and corner like an Idiana Jones movie....instead of living in a drama/soap opera.
Just wanted to express. I'll be around.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 208
Wow! Thank you!
You took the words RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH -- especially for me 1, 2 and 3. I am having very similar feelings.
I knew when I knew. I don't know why that was the moment but it was -- I left the timing in the control of my higher power and just remained open to that and then it was clear to me.
Yes, I miss my XABF but NOT all the insanity and drama. Yes, I cry because I am sad that our relationship did not work out. But the relief of the stress of waiting for that other shoe to drop is absolutely rejuvenating.
One of the big ingredients in coming to my decision and being settled with it was recognizing my pain tolerance. I had come to learn a great deal of compassion for the A (which I REALLY needed to do for my own recovery). But having compassion does not mean I become a doormat. I didn't want my compassion to become a liability.
I prayed constantly about this for the entire duration of the relationship. I believe I followed the will of my Higher Power as best as I could throughout that time. I prayed for the clarity to end it and be at peace with that. And, for the most part, that's what I have today.
Thank you again for your post.
You took the words RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH -- especially for me 1, 2 and 3. I am having very similar feelings.
I knew when I knew. I don't know why that was the moment but it was -- I left the timing in the control of my higher power and just remained open to that and then it was clear to me.
Yes, I miss my XABF but NOT all the insanity and drama. Yes, I cry because I am sad that our relationship did not work out. But the relief of the stress of waiting for that other shoe to drop is absolutely rejuvenating.
One of the big ingredients in coming to my decision and being settled with it was recognizing my pain tolerance. I had come to learn a great deal of compassion for the A (which I REALLY needed to do for my own recovery). But having compassion does not mean I become a doormat. I didn't want my compassion to become a liability.
I prayed constantly about this for the entire duration of the relationship. I believe I followed the will of my Higher Power as best as I could throughout that time. I prayed for the clarity to end it and be at peace with that. And, for the most part, that's what I have today.
Thank you again for your post.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Thank you so much for this. The timing for me couldn't be better. I have been struggling with finally crossing that line where I know this is meant to be and can really start to accept it. I had that moment this past weekend. I attempted yet another conversation with my AH- and it went just as they all have over the past 8 months. Yet again he blames me for everything, but the difference now is I don't take it on anymore. I listened to him with new ears- just realizing in the back of my mind all the while that he is sick and struggling. It's incredibly sad, but I can finally accept that this relationship is not going to be salvaged. Your list is basically my list. . . (((Take care))) and thank you for posting. I've also been really too busy, but trying to keep up with everyone here.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by AskingWhy 
You rediscover your friends. You've felt so alone for so long battling this problem. You either didn't dare tell any friends, or those you did tell you feel like they got so sick of hearing about it that when they saw your number on the caller ID they just ignored it. But you suddenly realize when you make the break that all of your old friends have been there all the time, however you've been so consumed with the problem at hand, that you are the one who has forgotten them!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 36
Thanks so much for what you posted. I don't know you since I'm new here, but I actually just posted something about trying to decide whether I should stay or go in my marriage. Reading what you said helped me put some things in perspective even though I don't have my final answer for myself yet.
T
T
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Thank you so much for the share. I could definitely relate to drawing the line in the sand, with the AH stepping over, and I'd draw a new line.
I was always lowering my bar of standards.
I was scared to stay with him any longer, but even more scared to be by myself.
It is a big beautiful world out there that is ours for the taking. I can feel the joy and serenity in your post
I was always lowering my bar of standards.
I was scared to stay with him any longer, but even more scared to be by myself.
It is a big beautiful world out there that is ours for the taking. I can feel the joy and serenity in your post
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Wonderful post. Thank you for sharing.
There is no doubt that I knew when it was time to get out of the relationship with my ex. The pain of staying far exceeded the fear of being a single mother.
gentle hugs
There is no doubt that I knew when it was time to get out of the relationship with my ex. The pain of staying far exceeded the fear of being a single mother.
gentle hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 91
Hey, you guys are all welcome. Many posts by members here were most helpful to me over the last year and a half or so that I found the place. And I always told myself that when my time came to move on, I'd definitely post what I've felt and experienced about the forward move so that hopefully it could help others in some small way.
Make no mistake, it's not all peaches and cream. There are still open wounds...however they will heal with time. However, the scars will likely always be there and will never go away. I used to like going to a steakhouse and having a beer with my meal. I used to like going after work with friends to just have one beer and relax and hang out. Now, doing those things, even though it's in moderation and in no way excessive, makes me realize the alcohol was what I hated about my marriage and I don't even get any enjoyment out of the stuff now at all.
Your whole perspective of the world changes when coming out of an alcoholic relationship. It's not a bad thing...it's just that as different as things are being outside of the alcoholic relationship, they are just as different as they were before you went into the alcoholic relationship in the first place....it's like in some way I outgrew the person I was before meeting her....and in some strange way, despite the pain/hurt/wounds/scars that I'm going to be a better person for it in the long run once the initial shock and pain ends. Dunno if that makes any sense or not.
Make no mistake, it's not all peaches and cream. There are still open wounds...however they will heal with time. However, the scars will likely always be there and will never go away. I used to like going to a steakhouse and having a beer with my meal. I used to like going after work with friends to just have one beer and relax and hang out. Now, doing those things, even though it's in moderation and in no way excessive, makes me realize the alcohol was what I hated about my marriage and I don't even get any enjoyment out of the stuff now at all.
Your whole perspective of the world changes when coming out of an alcoholic relationship. It's not a bad thing...it's just that as different as things are being outside of the alcoholic relationship, they are just as different as they were before you went into the alcoholic relationship in the first place....it's like in some way I outgrew the person I was before meeting her....and in some strange way, despite the pain/hurt/wounds/scars that I'm going to be a better person for it in the long run once the initial shock and pain ends. Dunno if that makes any sense or not.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,695
Exactly what I needed to hear today.
Sometimes I still catch myself worrying about what will happen if the drinking starts again - this post reminds me that, not only will the world not fall apart, it might just fall right into place.
Thanks.
Sometimes I still catch myself worrying about what will happen if the drinking starts again - this post reminds me that, not only will the world not fall apart, it might just fall right into place.
Thanks.
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Originally Posted by AskingWhy
.it's like in some way I outgrew the person I was before meeting her....
Great post!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
On the alcohlic being stunted at the age they started drinking... I've heard this in the context of pot addiction.
My old therapist gave me an article that said that when they became a heavy user is when there emotional age was set. My ex started heavy smoking when he was 16, and trust me, he stayed there maturity-wise.
My old therapist gave me an article that said that when they became a heavy user is when there emotional age was set. My ex started heavy smoking when he was 16, and trust me, he stayed there maturity-wise.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
Mine did not start drinking untill he was 21.....so sad b/c it had a lot to do with wanting to feel like he belonged. Said that he never really cared to try it before his 21st when he started to feel the preasure to start drinking. Friends would call him and be like oh come on your 21 your supposed to drink.
He has admitted to me before that he feels like he is still around that age and not 28 like he is. He said the second he started drinking he drank heavily and it took off from there...but so did his popularity with girls, his social skills and his ability to be funny and loved by others. He is a very quite guy and without alcohol in his system he has a hard time coming out of his shell.
Gosh it all makes me so sad.
He has admitted to me before that he feels like he is still around that age and not 28 like he is. He said the second he started drinking he drank heavily and it took off from there...but so did his popularity with girls, his social skills and his ability to be funny and loved by others. He is a very quite guy and without alcohol in his system he has a hard time coming out of his shell.
Gosh it all makes me so sad.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 91
Wow. How's this for a BUMP up! LOL.
I hadn't logged on here forever and just decided to today. A lot of people that I used to talk to on here appear to be gone and some still around.
I'm now almost TWO YEARS removed from the alcoholic relationship. EX-AW still calls from time to time, but guess what? She got re-married again....and I'm loving my single life. Add to that I got a new job in January of 2009...have had lots of opporunities for relationships, but have instead continued to focus on ME...and work on my co-dependency issues first!
If you think you are stuck in an Alcoholic Marriage or are just afraid to leave, let me tell you, YOU CAN GET OUT. All you have to do is just make the choice and stick to your guns.
My best to all of you going through it. Been there. It's not fun. But it's NOT unbeatable.
I hadn't logged on here forever and just decided to today. A lot of people that I used to talk to on here appear to be gone and some still around.
I'm now almost TWO YEARS removed from the alcoholic relationship. EX-AW still calls from time to time, but guess what? She got re-married again....and I'm loving my single life. Add to that I got a new job in January of 2009...have had lots of opporunities for relationships, but have instead continued to focus on ME...and work on my co-dependency issues first!
If you think you are stuck in an Alcoholic Marriage or are just afraid to leave, let me tell you, YOU CAN GET OUT. All you have to do is just make the choice and stick to your guns.
My best to all of you going through it. Been there. It's not fun. But it's NOT unbeatable.
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