I am hurting and scared
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: midwest
Posts: 4
I am hurting and scared
I posted here around the new year about my husband's relapse after a couple of months of sobriety. I hoped it was an isolated incident, but the drinking has picked back up (he spends the night before his day off drinking a pint of vodka parked somewhere). In the last month, I have come to learn my father-in-law has been sent to a half-way house for 6 months for his third DUI. They tried to cover it up, but my husband broke down and told me. He claims they are concerned about tarnishing their perfect reputation if people knew. I guess that's why no one talks about the alcoholism in the family.
My husband's drinking is getting worse and he's lying more and more. He's not a mean or abusive drunk just kind of an idiot. We have a 10 month-old son, who is the light of my life. When we found out I was pregnant, he was over the moon ad seemed to get his act together and as the baby's due date came closer, he started drinking more heavily, staying out late, and not returning my calls. I was terrified I would go into labor and have no one to take me to the hospital. In the past few months, he's started pushing to have another baby. I know he wants a baby band-aid. And while I want more children, I am terrified of getting pregnant. I've had relations with him and every time I feel like I am prostituting myself for a roof for myself and my child's head. I'm a PhD student and he makes the majority of the income and neither of us could pay the bills on our own. The majority of the cc debt is in my name and if I leave, I could barely pay rent and minimums on the cards, and we have a car loan in my name and all the medical bills.
Right now I am going to school, running a business, teaching college classes, paying the bills, doing all the chores, and taking care of the baby. I cannot trust him with the baby so I have to pay for a sitter.
I want to leave him. I want a life. I do not want my son to grow up in an alcoholic's house. He refuses to go to AA. He recognizes he has a problem, but acts like he can't control it. I am scared that if I leave I will barely be able to put food on the table. I suppose I need to find a couple of jobs to work around my schedule.
My husband's drinking is getting worse and he's lying more and more. He's not a mean or abusive drunk just kind of an idiot. We have a 10 month-old son, who is the light of my life. When we found out I was pregnant, he was over the moon ad seemed to get his act together and as the baby's due date came closer, he started drinking more heavily, staying out late, and not returning my calls. I was terrified I would go into labor and have no one to take me to the hospital. In the past few months, he's started pushing to have another baby. I know he wants a baby band-aid. And while I want more children, I am terrified of getting pregnant. I've had relations with him and every time I feel like I am prostituting myself for a roof for myself and my child's head. I'm a PhD student and he makes the majority of the income and neither of us could pay the bills on our own. The majority of the cc debt is in my name and if I leave, I could barely pay rent and minimums on the cards, and we have a car loan in my name and all the medical bills.
Right now I am going to school, running a business, teaching college classes, paying the bills, doing all the chores, and taking care of the baby. I cannot trust him with the baby so I have to pay for a sitter.
I want to leave him. I want a life. I do not want my son to grow up in an alcoholic's house. He refuses to go to AA. He recognizes he has a problem, but acts like he can't control it. I am scared that if I leave I will barely be able to put food on the table. I suppose I need to find a couple of jobs to work around my schedule.
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
Find an Al-alon meeting and seek help for yourself. If he recognizes he has a problem, but refuses to do anything about it, well there isn't going to be any recovery happening on his part. Take care of you and your child--first and foremost. Please don't consider having another child right now. It wouldn't be fair to you or to the baby. You sound like you can take care of yourself--what would he do if you weren't around? You already have one child--you don't need to raise him too. He is a grown man--even if he doesn't seem to be acting like one. Don't enable him any longer.You didn't cause his disease--you are not responsible for his recovery. I hope you find peace, serenity, and a solution to this current situation. 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: some where / no where
Posts: 1,019
Hi fiercetears,
I wish I was qualified to give you advice, but I cannot.
I am an alcoholic myself, and your story touches me because I see myself in your husband. I got sober after our second child was born. I was absent and drinking during the pregnancy and birth. While our son was little, I slept in the garage on the floor among my empty beer bottles.
I got sober, by the grace of God, when I was ready. Since that day in 2005, I've been working on becoming a decent father and husband.
The only thing I can say is that I couldn't get sober until I was ready to get sober. I don't know your husband, but he sounds like me. There wasn't anything that anybody could do to get me sober...it was something that I had to do myself.
I was a burden to to my family. I'm surprised that my wife didn't leave me. I realize now that her sickness had to do with living with me and my sickness. Something HAD to change before things got better.
You and your son deserve better than this.
chip
I wish I was qualified to give you advice, but I cannot.
I am an alcoholic myself, and your story touches me because I see myself in your husband. I got sober after our second child was born. I was absent and drinking during the pregnancy and birth. While our son was little, I slept in the garage on the floor among my empty beer bottles.
I got sober, by the grace of God, when I was ready. Since that day in 2005, I've been working on becoming a decent father and husband.
The only thing I can say is that I couldn't get sober until I was ready to get sober. I don't know your husband, but he sounds like me. There wasn't anything that anybody could do to get me sober...it was something that I had to do myself.
I was a burden to to my family. I'm surprised that my wife didn't leave me. I realize now that her sickness had to do with living with me and my sickness. Something HAD to change before things got better.
You and your son deserve better than this.
chip
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
(((fiercetears))) Sorry you are delaing with so much right now. I don't have any great words of advice, but both my mom and sister left their alcoholic husbands with thier 3 kids and everything worked out well.
Keep posting!
Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hey Fierce Tears--
Sorry you're going through this heavy time.
There is something very determined in your voice though and that is a good thing.
That secretiveness/shame/denial that is still pervasive in your AH's family is part of the deeply entrenched disease of alcoholism that infects entire family groups like a worm!
Just reading about it made my stomach go into a knot- like watching a slow motion movie of you and your 10 month old baby walking into the haunted house and you can't hear the audience shouting NO NO RUN THE OTHER WAY!!! Man oh man -- I lived in that dark, crooked house a long time - very scary place to be!!!
Once I started to educate myself about the realities of alcoholism/codependence the sun began to shine, and this allowed me to be forthright and honest with myself and my sons about our sodden family history, and about what's really going on with their alcoholic uncles, etc.
You have a lot to handle: child, money issues, school, business, etc. so take it easy - things will not change in an instant. Yet NONE of those cares is more important than you getting yourself to a healthy place and none of those cares will really stand in your way at all once you set your mind to changing things. You can make a plan, and step by step start making your way towards your goal.
AlAnon might help you sort out your thinking - if it works for you, it can give you tools to start truly focusing on yourself and your own needs and seeing that just for today you can do a lot to change your situation by changing your thoughts and your behaviors.
As far as having another baby with your actively drinking alcoholic husband? That's a personal decision for you, but if you're foooling around and not using birth control then you HAVE already decided.
If we're raising kids and running a house and trying to "fix" our spouse and making money it keeps us OK in society's eyes and therefore our own as "OK."
But many many women and men carrying these unreal loads are desperately unhappy and have lost themselves and can be in complete denial about their own role in creating the situation. The good thing is once you accept your part in the mess it's a short hop to see - wow I am that powerful - so I CAN make the life I need/deserve.
But then you have to ask yourself what do you want?
Peace,
B.
Sorry you're going through this heavy time.
There is something very determined in your voice though and that is a good thing.
That secretiveness/shame/denial that is still pervasive in your AH's family is part of the deeply entrenched disease of alcoholism that infects entire family groups like a worm!
Just reading about it made my stomach go into a knot- like watching a slow motion movie of you and your 10 month old baby walking into the haunted house and you can't hear the audience shouting NO NO RUN THE OTHER WAY!!! Man oh man -- I lived in that dark, crooked house a long time - very scary place to be!!!
Once I started to educate myself about the realities of alcoholism/codependence the sun began to shine, and this allowed me to be forthright and honest with myself and my sons about our sodden family history, and about what's really going on with their alcoholic uncles, etc.
You have a lot to handle: child, money issues, school, business, etc. so take it easy - things will not change in an instant. Yet NONE of those cares is more important than you getting yourself to a healthy place and none of those cares will really stand in your way at all once you set your mind to changing things. You can make a plan, and step by step start making your way towards your goal.
AlAnon might help you sort out your thinking - if it works for you, it can give you tools to start truly focusing on yourself and your own needs and seeing that just for today you can do a lot to change your situation by changing your thoughts and your behaviors.
As far as having another baby with your actively drinking alcoholic husband? That's a personal decision for you, but if you're foooling around and not using birth control then you HAVE already decided.
If we're raising kids and running a house and trying to "fix" our spouse and making money it keeps us OK in society's eyes and therefore our own as "OK."
But many many women and men carrying these unreal loads are desperately unhappy and have lost themselves and can be in complete denial about their own role in creating the situation. The good thing is once you accept your part in the mess it's a short hop to see - wow I am that powerful - so I CAN make the life I need/deserve.
But then you have to ask yourself what do you want?
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Idaho
Posts: 47
Hi fiercetears,
I'm so sorry to hear that you are in this situation. It must be incredibly hard to keep up with all the responsibilities that you are trying to.
Your situation really spoke to me. I finished up my Ph.D. a few years ago, and I know how hard that was. I can't imagine trying to do it with the added burden of an alcoholic spouse. You seem like a very strong and determined person.
I wish I could give you answers as well, but I can't. I do know that if you are running your own business, finishing a Ph.D., raising a child and working you are incredibly talented and self-sufficient. You will be able to take care of yourself and your child.
AlAnon and counseling have been working well for me. By going to AlAnon meetings and coming hear to post and read, I've found the courage to stand up to AH and not enable his drinking any more and the hope that I can make a change for the better in my life. I have begun to enjoy my life again, even with AH still an active drinker.
My prayers are with you and your family. Please keep coming back. Feel free to send me a message if you need to talk.
Mary Anne
I'm so sorry to hear that you are in this situation. It must be incredibly hard to keep up with all the responsibilities that you are trying to.
Your situation really spoke to me. I finished up my Ph.D. a few years ago, and I know how hard that was. I can't imagine trying to do it with the added burden of an alcoholic spouse. You seem like a very strong and determined person.
I wish I could give you answers as well, but I can't. I do know that if you are running your own business, finishing a Ph.D., raising a child and working you are incredibly talented and self-sufficient. You will be able to take care of yourself and your child.
AlAnon and counseling have been working well for me. By going to AlAnon meetings and coming hear to post and read, I've found the courage to stand up to AH and not enable his drinking any more and the hope that I can make a change for the better in my life. I have begun to enjoy my life again, even with AH still an active drinker.
My prayers are with you and your family. Please keep coming back. Feel free to send me a message if you need to talk.
Mary Anne
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Hey there Fiercetears, hope you are ok?
Protect yourself against getting pregnant, with all the instabililty of your life right now, another baby would not be a good idea. I'm sure you already know this! By the by, you have the right to say no to sex. just cos he wants it doesn't mean you've got to put out. Sex should be an act of love and spiritual and physical closeness between two people who respect and care and love one another, not to ensure you keep your home!
In order to begin breaking free if you want that is to organise the debt. If debts were obtained by both of you, could you get his name on the paper work? That way you are both liable, which a shared debt should be. Think about transfering cc debts to a new card with 0% rate and clearing them off? I have no idea how the medical system works in America, but I wouldn't pay any of his fees! There are plenty of debt management companies out there who could help you/give advice or even negotiate a repayment schedule with your debtors on your behalf. Have a search around.
Good Luck to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxx
Originally Posted by fiercetears 
...And while I want more children, I am terrified of getting pregnant. I've had relations with him and every time I feel like I am prostituting myself for a roof for myself and my child's head...
Originally Posted by fiercetears
...I'm a PhD student and he makes the majority of the income and neither of us could pay the bills on our own. The majority of the cc debt is in my name and if I leave, I could barely pay rent and minimums on the cards, and we have a car loan in my name and all the medical bills..
Good Luck to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxx
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
(((fiercetears)))
So sorry you're having to deal with this. As Lily stated above, bringing a baby into the mix would only make matters more complex. Please please protect yourself in the meantime from getting pregnant. You shouldn't have to feel obligated to have sex with your husband. Where does it say that you have to do that because he is making the majority of the income?
You claim he cannot even be trusted alone with your baby now? Why would you want to bring another child into the picture at this point?
If you truly don't want you son growing up in this type of home, you do have options. Have you tried Al Anon? That would be a great place to start as well as tons of support.
So sorry you're having to deal with this. As Lily stated above, bringing a baby into the mix would only make matters more complex. Please please protect yourself in the meantime from getting pregnant. You shouldn't have to feel obligated to have sex with your husband. Where does it say that you have to do that because he is making the majority of the income?
You claim he cannot even be trusted alone with your baby now? Why would you want to bring another child into the picture at this point?
If you truly don't want you son growing up in this type of home, you do have options. Have you tried Al Anon? That would be a great place to start as well as tons of support.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
fiercetears
Your post caused heart palpitations......I felt overwhelmed just reading all that you are dealing with!
As has been said above, your husband won't stop drinking until he wants to stop drinking. There are always options for you. Always. Sometimes we just can't see them because we're so emotionally involved in the turmoil of life and living with an alcoholic.
Alcoholism is a disease that sucks the life out of everyone around it.....the alcoholic as well as everyone around him/her. It sounds like you don't have much time for reading but there are some excellent books out there regarding alcoholism and codependence (see stickies at the top of the F&F forum in SR).
Stick around. There are a lot of women in similar situations who can tell you their stories and share their experiences.
gentle hugs
Your post caused heart palpitations......I felt overwhelmed just reading all that you are dealing with!
As has been said above, your husband won't stop drinking until he wants to stop drinking. There are always options for you. Always. Sometimes we just can't see them because we're so emotionally involved in the turmoil of life and living with an alcoholic.
Alcoholism is a disease that sucks the life out of everyone around it.....the alcoholic as well as everyone around him/her. It sounds like you don't have much time for reading but there are some excellent books out there regarding alcoholism and codependence (see stickies at the top of the F&F forum in SR).
Stick around. There are a lot of women in similar situations who can tell you their stories and share their experiences.
gentle hugs
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