A story of hope.....It's moving day!!
A work in progress....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
A story of hope.....It's moving day!!
If someone had told me two years ago that I would be where I am today, there is NO WAY I would have believed them. Two years ago I was very tired and beaten down almost to the point of hopelessness.
My husband of 25 years, the father of my three boys, was heavy into snorting opiates. The denial and blaming and abuse were beyond anything that I had experienced up to that point, and he had been using off and on for years so it wasn't like it was anything new.
The business that had been the sole support of my family for all of those 25 years was in the process of being sold, and exh had no plans for the future beyond his next high.
I thought I was destined to spend the rest of my life living in the chaos and drama of his addiction. I didn't think I had a choice. I thought that I would be living with him until one of us died, and mostly I felt like it would probably be me because I lived my life in a constant state of anxiety.
But then, desperation drove me to reach out to a lady in my community group at church. She is a psychology professor at the university here, and she had a sister who died after years of drug and alcohol abuse. She did an article for the local paper, and when I read it I opened up to her about my husband.
God used her to show me that I did have a choice, and that I could actually take control of my life back. I started reading and learning about addiction (I had never called him 'addict' before) and codependency. I found a good counselor. I found some people who had been where I was. I found SR.
I stopped worrying about him. I started learning about ME. I learned what it was in me that drove me to give my life away for 25 years to a man who treated me horribly and treated my children just as badly. And I learned how to get my life back.
I learned to detach. I learned to let go. I learned that all the things I had fought so hard to control were never mine to control in the first place.
I learned that it didn't matter how much I loved that man, he was going to do what he was going to do and I had to do what I needed to do to take care of myself and my children.
I learned that all the things I did for all those years to 'protect' my children were not really protecting them at all but were teaching them a lot of dysfunctional behaviors, the same ones I learned from my parents.
I learned how to be honest with myself and with my children. I learned how to accept reality.
Slowly, I learned how to laugh again. I learned how to look forward to every new day. I learned that I can take care of myself, and I learned that it is OK to do what I need to do to feel safe.
Sadly, I learned that my (now)exh was nowhere near reaching for help and to save my life and the lives of my children, we would have to leave him behind. Over the course of many months, I learned how sick he really is as I watched him try to destroy me and my adult sons with his lies and manipulations.
But we all held on to each other, and we all accepted the reality of what was happening and of what we had to do for ourselves. None of us have any contact with him at this point because of his behavior. But we are all doing fine. We all continue to pray for him, but we have left him completely in the hands of God. What will be, will be.
We found a little piece of land, with a couple of 'fixer-upper' houses and a barn, and we went to work.........
Today, the boxes are packed and many of them are already there. The painting, and cleaning, and fixing up are (mostly) done. The phone and TV and of course the internet :rof are up and running. Those old houses have become home......
So for all you wonderful people who are where I was, don't give up!! Maybe your addict will find recovery, or maybe not. Either way, you don't have to keep giving your life away to someone else's addiction. You can be peaceful, and you can be free. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep doing the next right thing.
And to all my dear 'old' SR friends, thank you from the bottom of my heart for holding my hand when I was afraid, for making me laugh when I felt like crying, and for always being there to support and encourage me. I am completely sure I would not be where I am today without you! I love you guys!
My husband of 25 years, the father of my three boys, was heavy into snorting opiates. The denial and blaming and abuse were beyond anything that I had experienced up to that point, and he had been using off and on for years so it wasn't like it was anything new.
The business that had been the sole support of my family for all of those 25 years was in the process of being sold, and exh had no plans for the future beyond his next high.
I thought I was destined to spend the rest of my life living in the chaos and drama of his addiction. I didn't think I had a choice. I thought that I would be living with him until one of us died, and mostly I felt like it would probably be me because I lived my life in a constant state of anxiety.
But then, desperation drove me to reach out to a lady in my community group at church. She is a psychology professor at the university here, and she had a sister who died after years of drug and alcohol abuse. She did an article for the local paper, and when I read it I opened up to her about my husband.
God used her to show me that I did have a choice, and that I could actually take control of my life back. I started reading and learning about addiction (I had never called him 'addict' before) and codependency. I found a good counselor. I found some people who had been where I was. I found SR.
I stopped worrying about him. I started learning about ME. I learned what it was in me that drove me to give my life away for 25 years to a man who treated me horribly and treated my children just as badly. And I learned how to get my life back.
I learned to detach. I learned to let go. I learned that all the things I had fought so hard to control were never mine to control in the first place.
I learned that it didn't matter how much I loved that man, he was going to do what he was going to do and I had to do what I needed to do to take care of myself and my children.
I learned that all the things I did for all those years to 'protect' my children were not really protecting them at all but were teaching them a lot of dysfunctional behaviors, the same ones I learned from my parents.
I learned how to be honest with myself and with my children. I learned how to accept reality.
Slowly, I learned how to laugh again. I learned how to look forward to every new day. I learned that I can take care of myself, and I learned that it is OK to do what I need to do to feel safe.
Sadly, I learned that my (now)exh was nowhere near reaching for help and to save my life and the lives of my children, we would have to leave him behind. Over the course of many months, I learned how sick he really is as I watched him try to destroy me and my adult sons with his lies and manipulations.
But we all held on to each other, and we all accepted the reality of what was happening and of what we had to do for ourselves. None of us have any contact with him at this point because of his behavior. But we are all doing fine. We all continue to pray for him, but we have left him completely in the hands of God. What will be, will be.
We found a little piece of land, with a couple of 'fixer-upper' houses and a barn, and we went to work.........
Today, the boxes are packed and many of them are already there. The painting, and cleaning, and fixing up are (mostly) done. The phone and TV and of course the internet :rof are up and running. Those old houses have become home......
So for all you wonderful people who are where I was, don't give up!! Maybe your addict will find recovery, or maybe not. Either way, you don't have to keep giving your life away to someone else's addiction. You can be peaceful, and you can be free. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep doing the next right thing.
And to all my dear 'old' SR friends, thank you from the bottom of my heart for holding my hand when I was afraid, for making me laugh when I felt like crying, and for always being there to support and encourage me. I am completely sure I would not be where I am today without you! I love you guys!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Sunny, AZ
Posts: 60
Thanks for posting. I'm starting the separation process and its really hard. Some days, I don't think there will be any light at the end of this tunnel. So words of hope and inspiration are very important to me now!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
This would be the grand opening of the Rockin' C Ranch? 
I'm so proud of you for all you have been able to do for yourself, you are just a huge inspiration here. It's been a privilege to walk with you on this journey of recovery, and I know the road ahead is chuck full of good things for you.
We want pictures of course, outside and in, and remember to save me a room with a view.
Big Hugs for an amazing lady.
I'm so proud of you for all you have been able to do for yourself, you are just a huge inspiration here. It's been a privilege to walk with you on this journey of recovery, and I know the road ahead is chuck full of good things for you.
We want pictures of course, outside and in, and remember to save me a room with a view.
Big Hugs for an amazing lady.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Back South where I belong!
Posts: 210
I am just about to start the moving process - and after everything I've gone through to get here, it still seems like about the biggest step yet. Thanks for this great story, it's really helping to nudge me forward!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
HOUSEWARMING PARTY AT JENS !!!
I'm gasin' up the codie bus..
We're on our way Jen !
I'm so happy for you ! I wish you all the happiness and PEACE in the world in your new home !!
Oh happy day !!!
A work in progress....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Pictures will be coming, I promise!! Right now it would just be pictures of boxes, so I'll wait until I get settled in.
Keep that codie bus warmed up!!!
Keep that codie bus warmed up!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Originally Posted by duet_4-8 
Slowly, I learned how to laugh again.
Thanks again for sharing, and giving hope to others......
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
