If someone had told me two years ago that I would be where I am today, there is NO WAY I would have believed them. Two years ago I was very tired and beaten down almost to the point of hopelessness.
My husband of 25 years, the father of my three boys, was heavy into snorting opiates. The denial and blaming and abuse were beyond anything that I had experienced up to that point, and he had been using off and on for years so it wasn't like it was anything new.
The business that had been the sole support of my family for all of those 25 years was in the process of being sold, and exh had no plans for the future beyond his next high.
I thought I was destined to spend the rest of my life living in the chaos and drama of his addiction. I didn't think I had a choice. I thought that I would be living with him until one of us died, and mostly I felt like it would probably be me because I lived my life in a constant state of anxiety.
But then, desperation drove me to reach out to a lady in my community group at church. She is a psychology professor at the university here, and she had a sister who died after years of drug and alcohol abuse. She did an article for the local paper, and when I read it I opened up to her about my husband.
God used her to show me that I did have a choice, and that I could actually take control of my life back. I started reading and learning about addiction (I had never called him 'addict' before) and codependency. I found a good counselor. I found some people who had been where I was. I found SR.
I stopped worrying about him. I started learning about ME. I learned what it was in me that drove me to give my life away for 25 years to a man who treated me horribly and treated my children just as badly. And I learned how to get my life back.
I learned to detach. I learned to let go. I learned that all the things I had fought so hard to control were never mine to control in the first place.
I learned that it didn't matter how much I loved that man, he was going to do what he was going to do and I had to do what I needed to do to take care of myself and my children.
I learned that all the things I did for all those years to 'protect' my children were not really protecting them at all but were teaching them a lot of dysfunctional behaviors, the same ones I learned from my parents.
I learned how to be honest with myself and with my children. I learned how to accept reality.
Slowly, I learned how to laugh again. I learned how to look forward to every new day. I learned that I can take care of myself, and I learned that it is OK to do what I need to do to feel safe.
Sadly, I learned that my (now)exh was nowhere near reaching for help and to save my life and the lives of my children, we would have to leave him behind. Over the course of many months, I learned how sick he really is as I watched him try to destroy me and my adult sons with his lies and manipulations.
But we all held on to each other, and we all accepted the reality of what was happening and of what we had to do for ourselves. None of us have any contact with him at this point because of his behavior. But we are all doing fine. We all continue to pray for him, but we have left him completely in the hands of God. What will be, will be.
We found a little piece of land, with a couple of 'fixer-upper' houses and a barn, and we went to work.........
Today, the boxes are packed and many of them are already there. The painting, and cleaning, and fixing up are (mostly) done. The phone and TV and of course the internet :rof are up and running. Those old houses have become home......
So for all you wonderful people who are where I was, don't give up!! Maybe your addict will find recovery, or maybe not. Either way, you don't have to keep giving your life away to someone else's addiction. You can be peaceful, and you can be free. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep doing the next right thing.
And to all my dear 'old' SR friends, thank you from the bottom of my heart for holding my hand when I was afraid, for making me laugh when I felt like crying, and for always being there to support and encourage me. I am completely sure I would not be where I am today without you! I love you guys!
