lexzus

So, I have been to the end of the spectrum and back in the past year, again. Shortly after I moved here I became very depressed..and this led to alchoholism..I met Shane again around the end of march last year and I had been clean of crack for almost a year…and He and his friends introduced me to cocaine. I never really got too into the coke...using it was fine, but not nearly as needy or exciting as its cousin, crack. And after the first time we cooked...he was hooked. Shane and I quickly went from casual users to addicts…only, I couldn’t keep up.

My home life began to suffer…I kicked my sister out in October, stopped talking with my mom and friends..and packed my pipe for the long haul. After being sent home from work till I could work out my problems, I had been calling in sick, blowing shifts, showing up hung over, sometimes high, I hit bottom. I started using in private, away from Shane, liing to everyone. I would like to believe that Shane telling my mom of my problem was genuine concern for my health, and not a jealousy motivated punishment for not sharing. However he failed to mention that he was the one feeding it to me.

Now, I’m a big girl, I make my own choices, and its not like I knew nothing of the drug and its effects…I cannot feign innocence here. By the time I realised that I wasn’t ready to become a street walker, I couldn’t quit. I had ruined my name, dissapointed my friends and family, lied to everyone…blown all my money. In November, I attempted suicide. Shane found me at home, wrists cut, with about 60 sleeping pills in my stomach. For the mext month or so…I was useless. I couldn’t even comb my own hair…getting out of bed was like climbing a mountain…walking up and down the stairs sent me into coughing and then puking fits. I had lost about 35 pounds by then.

At my moms request I saw a doctor about getting on antidepressants…instead he diagnosed me bi-polar. By now the pills I take have helped me get back to the person I was years ago…I have never felt so…normal. My workplace was ecstatic to have me back in January, my family has finally relaxed, confident that I am solid. And I am…but of course, love it seems, is Gods revenge. Shane never quit..I just assumed he had…I never saw him do it after my life or death jaunt. And after what the drug did to me, I just well…assupmtion you know…makes us asses. No one knew that he was my source, that he and I fell together. He never got any help…I thought he just took care of himself, you know, quit on his own. Turns out he didn’t.

The first payday in february, he went out and got a bunch of stuff…did it in the washroom of our house, lied to my face when I questioned him about it, begged my forgiveness hours later and asked for my help quitting. I gave it, and my support and my condolences and praise for being strong enough to ask for help…Then two weeks later, payday…and more lies. I left, went to my moms…if he hadn’t called I would most likely be single now…and maybe not happy, but not sick with anxiety either. We made the agreement that I was allowed to do whatever was in my power to help him. I took his bank card, credit card and called all his druggie friends and told them if they did, or made drugs availible to shane, I would report them all to the police.

Payday was last Friday..and no drugs..and then last night..he started acting weird, as he does when hes on something…and tho I asked him, he said he wasn’t on anything..but I know better..however I can’t accuse him without proof, nor can I believe a word he says. When I announced that I was cleaning up to him and that I expected him to follow suit or mosey right on outta here, I basically said NO drugs..even tho the one we had trouble with was the crack. I'm not gonna lie, I miss drinking with my friends...and I have no trouble doing those things with out needing anything else..but he can't..anything ultimately leads to crack hence the blanket ban. And I honestly don't think hes ready for drinking again, but I am feeling a little like I want to take it all back, say Hon, you go ahead and just don't do it around me or be on it around me.

But I know that won't work. I know eventually I will say: Oh gosh, just stay at home and do your stuff...and then : ok just one line...and then when he finishes cooking, cause he can't NOT cook: ok, but when this spoonful is gone, no more; to: What was that guys phone no again? Cause all this cooking is taking too much time. Ugh. Anyone else ever go through this?

hello-kitty

Thanks for sharing your story. Similar to yours, I quit. He didn't. I have his child. He has his crack pipe. We occassionally cross paths and I wish him the best. I still care about him, love him maybe. But most important is that I stay away from people, places and things that might lead me back to the dope again. Protect yourself - your serenity - at all costs. Without it you have nothing.

No crack in my life. No one who is using crack in my life. No exceptions.

Good job at setting boundaries. Now stick with them no matter what because, quite seriously, you will be as good as dead if you don't. :-)

Impurrfect

(((Lexzus))) - I've been there, done that, too. I finally had to realize that my XABF has absolutely no intention of quitting. He calls his ever-faithful pipe "Nadine" and when he said he wanted to marry me, I told him he was already married to Nadine.

Anvil has a good point....she placed the focus on HER and what she would tolerate. Fortunately, she and Hank are on the same page as far as wanting recovery. MY XABF won't ever get to that page...and if he does, I still won't be with him because he's burned too many bridges.

I strongly suggest you get away from him. I've been clean over a year, but absolutely will not be around anyone who smokes crack. I'd like to think I was strong enough in recovery to NOT do it, but don't know for sure, and don't want to take the risk.

Another thing...you don't have to have "proof" that he's using. This is YOUR life, and if he's acting inappropriately, you have the right to not have to put up with it. I would believe my XABF over and over, even though my gut told me otherwise. I finally learned that my gut was ALWAYS right, and I was just being suckered into his addiction.

You deserve to get on with your life, and not be dragged down by him. I see it like this...I've worked really hard to get MY life back on track, I'll be damned if someone else is going to screw up MY life. I refuse to let another man or drug control me...and they DID control me because I let them. No more!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy