OK, here it is...
Black and Yellow
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,359
OK, here it is...
My Story,
As a teen, I experimented with alcohol and pot, and started smoking cigarettes. I was never introduced to anything else (coke, speed, etc..) until I was 20.
I had a baby boy at 18 years old. I thought it would be a good thing to go to the local college and take a single-parenting class. Thats where I met "Jennie". We became friends, and I started doing coke. I never smoked or IV'd it...PLEASE NOTE: I am a firm believer that drugs are drugs - no matter how they are put into your body. I am telling you my experiences, what I have and have not done.
I am NOT one to judge!
Anyways, the cocaine use didn't last very long, as I discovered meth. Cheaper, longer lasting, and my boyfriend (at the time) sold it...lots of it. It was ALWAYS there. Every day. I didn't know I was an addict yet. I didn't stay up for days like all our friends, I like sleeping. I would stay up for one night, but always hated the next-day feeling - even if I had $hit to keep me going, I hate that feeling.
At about 24, I weighed 95lbs. I am only 5'1'' but 95lbs is just to skinny! Someone used to tell me when I turned sideways, I disappeared! I am with a new guy, he also sells dope. I become pregnant. I found out at almost 3 months. Still doing dope. I quit...I had to. I had my baby girl on her due date, perfectly healthy and beautiful! So, time to get high again.
I started smoking meth. I forgot to add, before I was pregnant with my daughter, I was eating it. Either in a capsule, or a bit of toilet paper. It was HORRIBLE! I had bladder infections alot, I was peeing blood at times. Yuk.
So I figured I'd smoke it.
Current date: I met my husband almost 8 years ago. He's never done meth. Family and friends around him have. He knew when he met me that I did it. We fell in love and had a little boy, who is now 6. My life is GREAT! I have a good, steady job, a nice car ( a silver Dodge Magnum-hence the screen-name SlvrMag) my husband is more than I could ever ask for. But I still smoke meth.
In my defense: I can hold a job, I'm a good mom, I sleep every night, eat 3 meals a day, I function socially, I weigh 110lbs now, I don't take our VCR apart <Just a little humour!) So I feel like "why CAN'T I get high?" Everything was fine until my husband found my pipe...again...for the 4th (or is it the 5th) time! He's gonna leave me if I don't stop - FOREVER. I have stopped. Once for about 6 months. But I always start up again. Seems the "off" times are getting shorter too.
I HATE myself when I'm not high. I am a lazy, worthless, grumpy, ugly person. I'm in pain when I'm not high. I get depressed and cry all the time. I don't have any interest in sex. I don't bother putting make-up on or doing my hair...or even shaving my legs! I just don't like myself sober. Even after 6 months I felt this way.
What am I going to do???
As a teen, I experimented with alcohol and pot, and started smoking cigarettes. I was never introduced to anything else (coke, speed, etc..) until I was 20.
I had a baby boy at 18 years old. I thought it would be a good thing to go to the local college and take a single-parenting class. Thats where I met "Jennie". We became friends, and I started doing coke. I never smoked or IV'd it...PLEASE NOTE: I am a firm believer that drugs are drugs - no matter how they are put into your body. I am telling you my experiences, what I have and have not done.
I am NOT one to judge!
Anyways, the cocaine use didn't last very long, as I discovered meth. Cheaper, longer lasting, and my boyfriend (at the time) sold it...lots of it. It was ALWAYS there. Every day. I didn't know I was an addict yet. I didn't stay up for days like all our friends, I like sleeping. I would stay up for one night, but always hated the next-day feeling - even if I had $hit to keep me going, I hate that feeling.
At about 24, I weighed 95lbs. I am only 5'1'' but 95lbs is just to skinny! Someone used to tell me when I turned sideways, I disappeared! I am with a new guy, he also sells dope. I become pregnant. I found out at almost 3 months. Still doing dope. I quit...I had to. I had my baby girl on her due date, perfectly healthy and beautiful! So, time to get high again.
I started smoking meth. I forgot to add, before I was pregnant with my daughter, I was eating it. Either in a capsule, or a bit of toilet paper. It was HORRIBLE! I had bladder infections alot, I was peeing blood at times. Yuk.
So I figured I'd smoke it.
Current date: I met my husband almost 8 years ago. He's never done meth. Family and friends around him have. He knew when he met me that I did it. We fell in love and had a little boy, who is now 6. My life is GREAT! I have a good, steady job, a nice car ( a silver Dodge Magnum-hence the screen-name SlvrMag) my husband is more than I could ever ask for. But I still smoke meth.
In my defense: I can hold a job, I'm a good mom, I sleep every night, eat 3 meals a day, I function socially, I weigh 110lbs now, I don't take our VCR apart <Just a little humour!) So I feel like "why CAN'T I get high?" Everything was fine until my husband found my pipe...again...for the 4th (or is it the 5th) time! He's gonna leave me if I don't stop - FOREVER. I have stopped. Once for about 6 months. But I always start up again. Seems the "off" times are getting shorter too.
I HATE myself when I'm not high. I am a lazy, worthless, grumpy, ugly person. I'm in pain when I'm not high. I get depressed and cry all the time. I don't have any interest in sex. I don't bother putting make-up on or doing my hair...or even shaving my legs! I just don't like myself sober. Even after 6 months I felt this way.
What am I going to do???
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
In my defense: It will catch up to you.
Smoking it isn't a cure all for meth, the evilness of it is still destroying you, putting holes in your brain, how long do you think you can work.
You would be a better one off of meth. There are things you are missing whether you like it or not. When I did meth, I didn't think I was neglecting
my animals, I argued that point, but I was. I just didn't see it.
What if he found your meth, I know, your careful with it, he would never find it. What if you had a stroke and he found you? or a heart attack? What if you accidentally leave it out one day and he finds it?
Of course you are a good Mom, but you would be a better one off of meth.
Again, that won't last forever. I was able to live a nice stable life on meth for quite a long time too, many people do. I slept some, ate some, for awhile, no one knew I did meth. I did bumps, and I had pure Ice so it didn't take much.
The glamor of the drug always ends.
Ha ha, I can relate to THAT ONE! :rof
Meth Deaths
Methamphetamine Effects: Including Long Term
Psychological and Physical problems of meth or methamphetamine addiction
Was everything 'really' fine? Your really okay with smoking meth to live?
Your okay with being a slave to a drug to be able to tolerate yourself?
I HATE myself when I'm not high. I am a lazy, worthless, grumpy, ugly person. I'm in pain when I'm not high. I get depressed and cry all the time. I don't have any interest in sex. I don't bother putting make-up on or doing my hair...or even shaving my legs! I just don't like myself sober. Even after 6 months I felt this way.
So really you weren't okay, your just stuck??
That's where I was 2 years ago 5 months ago. I thought my life had to end before I could stop. I can so totally relate to everything you said.
It's hard, but you can do it. And it does take a long time to get yourself better, but it's very possible, and once you start doing it, set your mind to it, the battle is half over. Once you "KNOW" you will never use again, then you can quit.
I still have my days, been struggling a lot lately, but I do what I need to do to not go back.
There are a lot of different ways you can do recovery, CMA, NA, Smart, Celebrate, at the top of this forum there is a sticky that says, How Do I Recover it has a ton of ways, places, links to find a way to recovery.
You can do it. Start with one day...... Keep coming back here and find something that will work for you, and work it.....
Can you go to a rehab?
Glad you came here...
I can hold a job,
It was HORRIBLE! I had bladder infections alot, I was peeing blood at times. Yuk.
So I figured I'd smoke it.
So I figured I'd smoke it.
I'm a good mom,
my animals, I argued that point, but I was. I just didn't see it.
What if he found your meth, I know, your careful with it, he would never find it. What if you had a stroke and he found you? or a heart attack? What if you accidentally leave it out one day and he finds it?
Of course you are a good Mom, but you would be a better one off of meth.
I sleep every night,
The glamor of the drug always ends.
eat 3 meals a day, I function socially, I weigh 110lbs now, I don't take our VCR apart <Just a little humour!)
So I feel like "why CAN'T I get high?"
Methamphetamine Effects: Including Long Term
Psychological and Physical problems of meth or methamphetamine addiction
Everything was fine until my husband found my pipe...again...for the 4th (or is it the 5th) time! He's gonna leave me if I don't stop - FOREVER. I have stopped. Once for about 6 months. But I always start up again. Seems the "off" times are getting shorter too.
Your okay with being a slave to a drug to be able to tolerate yourself?
I HATE myself when I'm not high. I am a lazy, worthless, grumpy, ugly person. I'm in pain when I'm not high. I get depressed and cry all the time. I don't have any interest in sex. I don't bother putting make-up on or doing my hair...or even shaving my legs! I just don't like myself sober. Even after 6 months I felt this way.
So really you weren't okay, your just stuck??
That's where I was 2 years ago 5 months ago. I thought my life had to end before I could stop. I can so totally relate to everything you said.
It's hard, but you can do it. And it does take a long time to get yourself better, but it's very possible, and once you start doing it, set your mind to it, the battle is half over. Once you "KNOW" you will never use again, then you can quit.
I still have my days, been struggling a lot lately, but I do what I need to do to not go back.
There are a lot of different ways you can do recovery, CMA, NA, Smart, Celebrate, at the top of this forum there is a sticky that says, How Do I Recover it has a ton of ways, places, links to find a way to recovery.
What am I going to do???
Can you go to a rehab?
Glad you came here...
8Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Berea,Ohio
Posts: 397
All you are doing is making excuses to not get clean and enjoy it.You have been so consumed and psychologically altered from Meth and a addict's lifestyle, you don't see the true beauty in sobriety.
The damage Meth does to the brain is very severe.Eventually it will catch up with you.Until you realize you are sick of the deception and hiding, you won't stop.I hope you do realize that this drug is not the answer to all that ails you. You have to not just get sober, but get involved in a recovery program and stick with it.With the way you view your use, sobriety is not enough.Educate yourself on what you have been doing to yourself all this time.
Ultimately, no one can make the choice but you.I will add that a few weeks ago, a friend of mine took his own life due to his meth addiction.He sounded allot like you for a long time, then out of the blue-he ended it all.Hopefully, you won't let your addiction drive you to that point.
The damage Meth does to the brain is very severe.Eventually it will catch up with you.Until you realize you are sick of the deception and hiding, you won't stop.I hope you do realize that this drug is not the answer to all that ails you. You have to not just get sober, but get involved in a recovery program and stick with it.With the way you view your use, sobriety is not enough.Educate yourself on what you have been doing to yourself all this time.
Ultimately, no one can make the choice but you.I will add that a few weeks ago, a friend of mine took his own life due to his meth addiction.He sounded allot like you for a long time, then out of the blue-he ended it all.Hopefully, you won't let your addiction drive you to that point.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Sounds like if you don't find the desire to stay clean, you're going to lose your husband and quite possibly your kids. The way you described feeling when you're not high -- most of us can offer a variation on that. We get high to escape what we feel instead of trying to change what we feel.
Ever been to a meeting?
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Ever been to a meeting?
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: The Field of Dreams
Posts: 7,249
The Dodge Magnum explains your user name here and thats cool. But, it was painful reading the rest. I see that your post is from last March so its a few months old. Im glad you feel different today.
Black and Yellow
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,359
HI Miss Done!!!! I keep reading my first posts and it just trips me out how far I've come in just the past couple months! My life has changed SO much! Yeah, I lost my job, then my car, but I've gained so much strength and happiness, I know I will be OK!
Anyone who's having doubts about sobriety, or having a tough time getting past the first few days/weeks...KEEP TRYING! PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP-IT IS SO WORTH IT!!!!!!!!
Anyone who's having doubts about sobriety, or having a tough time getting past the first few days/weeks...KEEP TRYING! PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP-IT IS SO WORTH IT!!!!!!!!
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by SlvrMag 
HI Miss Done!!!! I keep reading my first posts and it just trips me out how far I've come in just the past couple months! My life has changed SO much! Yeah, I lost my job, then my car, but I've gained so much strength and happiness, I know I will be OK!
It amazes me everyday how far you've come and what
a different person you are. You Rock! I'm sure I was the same way as
I was getting off the devil's back, but it is a miracle indeed
to be a part of... :ghug
Black and Yellow
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,359
Originally Posted by Done-With-It
Cheers to that.. You are seriously like a whole different person.
It amazes me everyday how far you've come and what
a different person you are. You Rock! I'm sure I was the same way as
I was getting off the devil's back, but it is a miracle indeed
to be a part of... :ghug
It amazes me everyday how far you've come and what
a different person you are. You Rock! I'm sure I was the same way as
I was getting off the devil's back, but it is a miracle indeed
to be a part of... :ghug
I do feel so proud of myself to have finally said NO MORE....but I seem to be at a point where I'm asking myself "Now What?" What do I DO with my sobriety? I am still trying to get my energy levels up with exercise and vitamins but thats a slow process! Sometimes I just feel like I'm ready for the next "step" - whatever that may be.
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