ksos

I know I have been posting like a maniac lately to other members on SR. I am doing this with a good heart and true caring for everyone here. Yet, I am also doing this because I am probably scared about my own situation. I know that I am in relapse mode, now, and am truly scared that I may be very vulnerable to actually using.

I've been starting to fantasize about shooting "just a little" Heroin, and since I have dropped 60 MGs of Methodone in the past month, I have been experiencing minor withdrawal symptoms. I start thinking about "how good" I have been in working my program and how "just one bag" wouldn't hurt--like I deserve it!!!

I've been embarrased to admit my vulnerabilty here, but I talk openly at the meetings and with my sponsor, who has already told me that I am in relapse mode. I've been more irritable lately and told him to stop lecturing me on what I already know. I quickly apologized to him, but he was in no mood to embrace me. We went to our second meeting today, and he strongly encouraged me to speak about these thoughts.

I have also been thinking too much about Klonopin and, last night, I almost called a friend of mine who has bottles of 2 MG pills, and has offered me more than one time, to give me as much as I "need". I am currently on a medical taper of this drug and even the 0.5 MG drop I had in October, still has had me crave my higher dosages.

I am still making my meetings, and I have been journaling about my daily experience with this sh-t.

All I focus on is not having my drugs anymore and possibly having a seizure after I am discharged from the detox unit. In truth, I am sort of "mourning" the loss of my drugs.

After I left my sponsor, I went to one of those all-night bodegas, and bought a box of Benadryl and two packages of NyQuil capsules. I am really wanting to take the Nyquil, for this was another "OTC" drug of choice for me. I feel disgust over what I did, but I haven't thrown them out , either. I am not going to take any pills now. But, why is this happening to me?

I feel like there are two versions of me, and the addict is in control, now. I want the other "K" to resume running my life.

I am really afraid, everyone.

:chatter :chatter

Impurrfect

When I start thinking I can get high "just one more time", I have to remind myself that I won't stop until the money is gone and I have lost everything, including my family if I relapse again.

I'm sure others will be along with ES&H, but I know that getting to as many meetings as possible, talking with your sponsor, and staying busy will all help. My relapse was really bad, and I'm glad that I can still remember it.

I know that when I start having using thoughts, I have to just tell myself "that's not an option, so what else can you do that's constructive, not destructive"

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

ccgirl2

Hopefully the fact that you know where your thinking is going is going to help you. I don't know much about methadone; is the taper a steep one or is it normal?

Also, have you considered going to a detox Intensive Outpatient Program? When I got out of the hospital last year, I did so for 3 months. It really kept me in "recovery" mode.

I don't have much to add except cravings pass; what you need to do is learn to change your reactions to that devil in your ear.

canuhearme

For me this thought is a killer, I felt it and it can suck me in very quick. I'd try to remember you kick that drug out, not the other way around. You have to focus on the way it was in that last few hours before you said enough.

exjunky

The Kübler-Ross grief cycle is what people go through when they undergo trauma, like losing a loved one, or being diagnosed with cancer or AIDS, or having a limb amputated, or really anything that effects them in a negative way.

Often the stages are defined as this (this isn't academically accurate but close enough.)

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

So you're in stage #3 just like I am. We're no longer in denial over our problem so that's good. We got over the anger part where we tried to blame everybody in the world except ourselves for our problems.

Now we're "bargaining". Yes we have a problem, yes it's our fault, yes we want to get clean. But what if we just did a teensy weensy little bit, every now and then? What if we set rigid rules for ourselves that we swore we would follow religiously?

I know in my heart these bargains will never work, but I can't help it. Bring on the depression, I say.

2ala2

Hello Ksos,
I honestly think you should be in a hospital enviroment NOW. You're really making it too difficult on yourself. Being honest at your meetings is essential, please also tell of your OTC drugs. I know you're waiting for insurance, but i do believe this is very risky..

Rugrider

I too thought I could just a little of my "candy", just to take the edge off. I was very wrong, I dont know about heroin but I am addicted to opiates. I only took a few of those little blue pills and I was sick all over again. I know it's easy to forget, but for me it was not worth going through that sickness again just for a few hours of feeling good. Just try to stay focus and take one day at a time.

fluffyarmpit

You know what you deserve more than anything, more than one more bag... one more day staying sober. I'm getting off of oxy as we speak, **** drugs, think of how much better your life was without em, how much more money you had, how differently you acted, sure you might've had a helluva a lot of fun while being intoxicated on them, but people who are addicts, can't have just a little, a little turns into a lot for us, and thats that.

ksos

Hey CC...

I am not sure, actually, about the taper. My Pain doc who has been supervising this, said that I may start feeling "mild" withdrawal symptoms at my current dosage-which I am experiencing now-150 to 90 MG

A few people here have said that it is a bit steep to go down 60 MG in a month. I never detoxed from this particular substance before.

I never heard about an intensive "outpatient" program! That would be ideal for me, since I need a job, and my insurance plan has yet to approve an inpatient detox/rehab., since I am also addicted to Klonopin. I am going to look into this type of treatrment, since maybe I can avoid inpatient and continue my tapers, which are all supervised by my MDs! WoW! Thank you for this information!.

About the cravings. Believe it or not, they passed, Thank Goodness! I slept all day and night and I feel much better this morning!

:praying

ksos

Hey Fluffy~~

Thanks for your support, and the cravings passed after a 24 hour sleepathon. The problem is I cannot sleep like this, as I need to try to keep harrassing my insurance company about the rehab issue--but I am very interested in this Intensive Outpatient Program that ccgirl spoke about.

I use the method you are talking about, too. I have gone through withdrawal two times before, and the opiate one really messed my head up.

Prior to my going into hibernation, I wrote a letter to my daughter, with whom I have not spoke to or have seen, in three years. I was upset that I did it, since she requested not to see me, but I only wrote a letter....

You're right. This disease really grabbed me the other day, but I thought about all my losses based on drugs and made a list of these things. My sponsor is really great as he suggested that I keep it in front of me when at home...

I also remembered that I don't even get high anymore if I use. I am at the point that I would probably get a slight euphoria, but my tolerance to these drugs is so high, that I would have to be completely clean to feel anything again...one is too much and a thousand is not nearly enough

Thanks!

ksos

exjunky,

I am very familiar with Kubler-Ross stages (as it related to terminally ill patients) and you hit the nail on the head with this! As "astute" as I always liked to think of myself when it came to self-examination, your analogy is so perfect and correct! Kudos!

I picture myself sitting at a poker table with two other clones of myself, making "deals" with the real me. "C'mon, you are doing well with this, a bag wouldn't hurt ya." The other clone of me is the one who knows all too well that if I slipped, I would fall into a hole. All I have to do is to read what I suggested to others here on SR, and follow my own damned advice.

And, of course, bargaining with our lives is not an option--no matter how strong the pull is.

I'll be more than happy to join you in "Depression", too!:bounce

ksos

2ala2,

You're correct. I should be in a medically supervised environment, for I also bought the OTC drugs. I did not use them, but I haven't thrown them out, either. I also was not too honest at my last meeting, either, since I did not tell anyone about the NyQuil and Benadryl that I bought. I did tell my sponsor, who is going to meet me at my home before we go to our first meeting this morning. We are going to flush the pills. I asked him to be here with me, since I felt angry that I did not get rid of them immediately, but I stopped berating myself...

I do not know how I can pay for inpatient right now, but I liked ccgirl's suggestion of entering an Intensive Outpatient Program.

But, will that be enough, I wonder? I know that I am risking everything with a slip, but I feel okay now. The urges have passed, and I feel lik I am in control for right now...

I also know that this can be my denial acting up, but I am going to keep harrassing my insurance company.

I know that you are right about the medical setting, 2ala2, but I need to work on the insurance....If I get any more urges, I'll go to the hospital's ER, where they might be able to get me catastrophic Medeicaid...I am just so confused..

Thanks to everyone's support! I truly appreciate all the caring and advice, and am feeling as if my "sober" family here is truly looking out for me and knows best!

hairgirl

I hate how much of our minds are twisted like this.I hate pills, and coke.I hope to never see either of them again.All the pain they caused me definately overshadows the thought of "one more time".

Paulie

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us, you not only help yourself by releaseing them but you helped others you are not even aware of.

I have just one comment -

This person who offers to give you as much as you need....is not your friend

bval

Trying to taper down off of methadone is no picnic. You are *going* to crave and have thoughts of using while you're going through the process. Don't feel bad, it happens to everyone.

One thing I would like to suggest is this: Stop tapering down for a while. Accept the situation that you're in, you have to work at the moment, etc. Rather than worrying about getting off the stuff right now, why not just work your @ss off, save up some money, and then try to get yourself into a position where you can take a month off of work and go check in somewhere? Yeah, it'll suck kicking methadone in rehab, but I'll tell ya what ... you gotta a LOT better chance of pulling it off there. And when it's done, you're gonna have a very valuable experience under your belt.

Personally I think that approach makes a lot more sense than trying to taper down and eventually (ostensibly) quit methadone while you're going on about your life and working and all that. Because 'all that' ... is damn near impossible to pull off. All you're gonna end up doing is getting yourself fired, and/or back on dope eventually. Get real, and don't try to be superman. That's my best advice.

ksos

Paulie...

Hey! Thanks for reminding me of the obvious, but now I have a new problem, which is that my very real pain condition has been killing me today. I don't even feel like doing any drugs, but I have made an appointment to see my Pain MD and see if he can write me a letter to enter a detox ASAP, as I do not think I can handle this drop right now....I mean, I am in need of an income or I will lose everything, just like if I picked up again.

ksos

You know, when I read this, I felt like I was talking to my sponsor who thinks what I plan to do with looking for jobs, looking for rehabs, not telling my pain doc that I am truly feeling my pancreatic pain, is crazy.

bvaljalo. I am seeing my pain doc tomorrow before a big interview, because I cannot live being unemployed much longer. I have about 2 weeks worth of benefits and then it's all over. I am so anxious about this that I am going to ask him if he can give me a non-narcotic agent to ease my pain and the withdrawals. You're right. I am nuts to be doing all this and I go to meetings and the folks all tell me that I am just setting myself up for a fall...

I also was going to ask my doc if he could not drop me any more right now, as I already went from 150 to 90 MG this month...I may be a coward, but that is way too much for me...

I really should have never agreed to this pain management stuff to begin with, since I know I am an addict, but my disease plus the very real pain, somehow got lost in the shuffle.

Now, I am really in agony, and I cannot receive the standard treatment for this condition. I wish I were like a normal person who could take a pill the way it was prescribed...

Thems the breaks, I guess!

ksos

You know, hairgirl? I hate these pills, my distorted thoughts, and my very real pain, which now cannot be treated because I am an addict.

I should have thought about how sick and dilapidated I was for 40 days the last time I went on a binge with dope. I ran out of money, and I was laying in bed praying that the dope sickness would go away. This freaking methodone is even worse to detox from than dope, I heard. I never was on methodone before, but I've now been on it over 4 years!

I cannot even fathom how sick I am going to be! This crap is in my bones, myu teeth, my body...It sucks, to be honest with everyone. But you all know that already.

Paulie

You keep telling yourself the worst and that is what you are going to get. I dont meant if you say it will not hurt that it wont, but try to move into the solution!!!

I have a sponsee who was on all kinds of pain meds when I started working with her, she didnt even know what pain was real and what was not anymore. It is a process that you need to go through slowly.

I also have a friend that everyday was either using a cane or a wheel chair on bad days, he went to a pain managment program for a month, he now walks, and with no pain meds!!!! it can be done. As addicts it is in our nature to think the worst, but through working a program we start to understand that there is a solution.

I understand the fear of losing things, I have been there. But to go into rehab, come and clean and start over is completley different than to lose everything and still be strung out.

If you have a dr that just keeps writing you scripts...talk to your sponsor about that. You need a dr that will honestly help you to get off the stuff.

ksos

Paulie....

I appreciate what you are saying about my mind set, and you know what? It is true that when you dwell on the withdrawal "pains" all day, you are going to delude yourself into feeling things that are unreal. Today was such a productive day for me because I was so damned busy that I had no time to think about what I tend to think about, which is the fear of dope sickness and other stuff.

I feel fine--now there are no withdrawal feelings in my body.

Re my MDs: They all know I am an addict and are the ones who are medically supervising these tapers. I am the one who is wanting the inpatient rehap and am waiting for the insurance approval.

I used to seek MDs who were like the ones you described--In fact, the co-contributed to my addiction. Of course, I am "the" addict, but I also have a responsibility to inform my MDs about that, too.

Thanks for your feedback.