Enabling or Supporting
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Enabling or Supporting
I'm sure that all of us have times of clarity and times of complete confusion. I'm in a time of complete confusion today. I'm hoping that you all can help me back to clarity.
My A son has recently returned to intensive outpatient treatment (he relapsed after going through an inpatient treatment a year and a half ago). The decision to go was his own after his world began to crash down around him. I think I did a pretty good job of reinforcing my boundaries and holding to them during his relapse.
When my son decided that he needed to get help, he didn't have a job and had no money but his insurance was still in effect. The insurance paid for 2/3 of the treatment and I offered to pay for the other 1/3.
My husband thinks that by paying for a portion of the treatment that I am enabling my son's addiction. I feel that I am supporting him in sobriety. My husband and I got into quite a heated argument about it last night and now this house is so quiet that you could hear a pin drop (even though we are both here).
So my question is this......by paying for 1/3 of the cost of his treatment, am I enabling the disease or supporting his sobriety?
My A son has recently returned to intensive outpatient treatment (he relapsed after going through an inpatient treatment a year and a half ago). The decision to go was his own after his world began to crash down around him. I think I did a pretty good job of reinforcing my boundaries and holding to them during his relapse.
When my son decided that he needed to get help, he didn't have a job and had no money but his insurance was still in effect. The insurance paid for 2/3 of the treatment and I offered to pay for the other 1/3.
My husband thinks that by paying for a portion of the treatment that I am enabling my son's addiction. I feel that I am supporting him in sobriety. My husband and I got into quite a heated argument about it last night and now this house is so quiet that you could hear a pin drop (even though we are both here).
So my question is this......by paying for 1/3 of the cost of his treatment, am I enabling the disease or supporting his sobriety?
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
Depends.....
what was your motive for paying?
Did you have him sign a document of repayment for the 1/3?
Were there conditions placed on your payment? ( He will never drink again, he will do XYZ?)
What were your expectations?
Had you paid for treatment in the past?
Did you require he speak with the TX center to see if they would allow a payment program for the balance (1/3)?
enabling is doing for someone what they MUST do for themselves. When my ex went to treatment last year, he didnt have the co-pay, and they allowe dhim in anyhow...cus the felt that it was better to get SOME money from his iinsurance, rather than nothing. They are a BUSINESS after all.....
Perhaps reading on enabling in your alanon books, or other codependency books can help.
what was your motive for paying?
Did you have him sign a document of repayment for the 1/3?
Were there conditions placed on your payment? ( He will never drink again, he will do XYZ?)
What were your expectations?
Had you paid for treatment in the past?
Did you require he speak with the TX center to see if they would allow a payment program for the balance (1/3)?
enabling is doing for someone what they MUST do for themselves. When my ex went to treatment last year, he didnt have the co-pay, and they allowe dhim in anyhow...cus the felt that it was better to get SOME money from his iinsurance, rather than nothing. They are a BUSINESS after all.....
Perhaps reading on enabling in your alanon books, or other codependency books can help.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
This is my opinion, and mine only.
If he had not had any sort of treatment before, inpatient, or outpatient, I would look at it as supporting his recovery.
However, since he has been before, and was afforded the tools to stay sober, I wouldn't hesitate to set up a payment plan for him and make him understand this IS a debt to be paid back.
I will definitely put your son on my prayer list
If he had not had any sort of treatment before, inpatient, or outpatient, I would look at it as supporting his recovery.
However, since he has been before, and was afforded the tools to stay sober, I wouldn't hesitate to set up a payment plan for him and make him understand this IS a debt to be paid back.
I will definitely put your son on my prayer list
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 20
I have watched my mother go through much the same things that you are, only it has been for the past 25 years or so. It has been MY OPINION for quite some time, that if my mother were really serious about "supporting and helping" my brother that she would cut all ties financially and make him stand on his own two feet. It is her financial support that allows him to keep drinking.
I think about how many times my 41 year old AB has been to rehab, jail, rehab, jail again, has had NUMEROUS cars purchased for him, his bills and loans and FINES (including 8 DUI's) all paid off, gas money, cigarettes and prescriptions paid for, and I know that all of this money has been quite literally pi$$ed down the drain. Nothing has changed-- he is no better off now than when he was in his twenties. He could have paid for a Master's Degree with what my mother has thrown away on him. And still she says "I have to keep trying." It makes me sick to think about it.
Personally, I would let your son figure it out for himself.
I think about how many times my 41 year old AB has been to rehab, jail, rehab, jail again, has had NUMEROUS cars purchased for him, his bills and loans and FINES (including 8 DUI's) all paid off, gas money, cigarettes and prescriptions paid for, and I know that all of this money has been quite literally pi$$ed down the drain. Nothing has changed-- he is no better off now than when he was in his twenties. He could have paid for a Master's Degree with what my mother has thrown away on him. And still she says "I have to keep trying." It makes me sick to think about it.
Personally, I would let your son figure it out for himself.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 486
Freedom brought up a good point, if you are helping with treatment, setting up a payment plan to repay you is a great idea. It makes him more responsible for his own recovery.
I guess as far as enabling goes, it depends on how long he has been trying to get sober. If he keeps drinking and drugging after many trips to rehab (that you have paid for) then it might be time to send him off to do it on his own.
Side note - You might want to check out DSHS. If he is unemployed they might cover some or all of his treatment.
I guess as far as enabling goes, it depends on how long he has been trying to get sober. If he keeps drinking and drugging after many trips to rehab (that you have paid for) then it might be time to send him off to do it on his own.
Side note - You might want to check out DSHS. If he is unemployed they might cover some or all of his treatment.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Haven't been in this situation yet, Kind Eyes, but my first instinct before I read the others' responses was of course it is a good thing to help him out if you are financially able. I am wondering, did he ask you to pay the 1/3 or did you offer? I ask because I know I often have offered up help even before being asked, especially for my son to do something I perceive as positive rather than negative. This is an interesting thread, and I look forward to hearing more responses from the experienced members.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
We paid part of the cost for our son to get treatment the first time out. A relative paid the rest. I wouldn't do it again. I would let him find a place to go and/or find recovery by going to meetings or whatever method he wanted. Note that _I_ would be out of the equation if the need arose, but it took over ten years of ups and downs for us to come to that.
There are many ways to find recovery that do not involve treatment centers, but offfering a hand up that doesn't pull me down is fine for me.
I do know that as parents there were only a couple of times that we disagreed on whether to help in a particular way. Both times we decided to yield to the other and did the 'enabling' action. The time that I gave in and paid to get his car out of impound- I did it because mr cmc could just not handle doing otherwise. On another occasion it was me that couldn't live with myself if I didn't offer to help our son. The reason I share this now is because no matter what others say or share- it is up to you and your spouse to act and you need to do what you can live with.
There are many ways to find recovery that do not involve treatment centers, but offfering a hand up that doesn't pull me down is fine for me.
I do know that as parents there were only a couple of times that we disagreed on whether to help in a particular way. Both times we decided to yield to the other and did the 'enabling' action. The time that I gave in and paid to get his car out of impound- I did it because mr cmc could just not handle doing otherwise. On another occasion it was me that couldn't live with myself if I didn't offer to help our son. The reason I share this now is because no matter what others say or share- it is up to you and your spouse to act and you need to do what you can live with.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Based on my experience, KindEyes, I believe that no amount of begging, pleading, promising, threatening, or support on my part helped Richard become sober.
He had to free himself from his addiction much like I had to free myself from my attachment to him. I realize that's much easier said than done when the addict in your life is your child.
But the bottom line is no amount of manipulation or support from me helped Richard become sober. He didn't need my help to become an alcoholic and he didn't need my help to become sober. As far as his drinking was concerned, I was never in the equation. Richard held the key to his sobriety and no amount of money would make him turn that key.
He had to free himself from his addiction much like I had to free myself from my attachment to him. I realize that's much easier said than done when the addict in your life is your child.
But the bottom line is no amount of manipulation or support from me helped Richard become sober. He didn't need my help to become an alcoholic and he didn't need my help to become sober. As far as his drinking was concerned, I was never in the equation. Richard held the key to his sobriety and no amount of money would make him turn that key.
up and out
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
is this something he could have done for himself?
its helpful for me to remember that the difference between helping and enabling is whether or not the person is capable of doing something for themselves.
and sometimes it isn't black and white where your decision is clear. so that's where i like Miss Pink's suggestion of examining your motives and expectations.
if your contribution to his cost of treatment is laced with any expectations or conditions then the only thing you're supporting is your own sickness and codependency.
ask yourself if he is truly incapable of coming up with the money, or are you concerned that if its too hard then he won't get treatment. if that's the case then you're enabling because if he wants sobriety enough then he will do whatever it takes to get it.
much love to you
its helpful for me to remember that the difference between helping and enabling is whether or not the person is capable of doing something for themselves.
and sometimes it isn't black and white where your decision is clear. so that's where i like Miss Pink's suggestion of examining your motives and expectations.
if your contribution to his cost of treatment is laced with any expectations or conditions then the only thing you're supporting is your own sickness and codependency.
ask yourself if he is truly incapable of coming up with the money, or are you concerned that if its too hard then he won't get treatment. if that's the case then you're enabling because if he wants sobriety enough then he will do whatever it takes to get it.
much love to you
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Join Date: Mar 2006
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Posts: 741
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat 
He didn't need my help to become an alcoholic and he didn't need my help to become sober.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
I don't see any link between paying for treatment and enabling.
Hopefully, you and your husband can agree to communicate and compromise so that your son's addiction doesn't add more stress to your life + marriage.
If we have the money, ea. of us has to determine the value we place on what we spend it on. I wanted my son well more than I wanted something else with my money. You paying 1/3 of treatment or doing it your husband's way with no financial
assistance...we really don't know which way would ultimately prove most beneficial for your son. My son's drug addiction, alcoholism, depression + suicide attempts are no less fatal than cancer and I would help with that disease. Relapse is part of addiction.
Insurance paid 100% of 1st rehab, I split the cost with his dad the 2nd time and now I am paying 100% of a very expensive facility. At this point, I have determined that this is the last time I will pay rehab bills. But who knows what the future holds.
I paid my 2 step-son's college tuition. That was what was approp. for them.
Rehab is what is approp. for my son.
We freq. hear that it took someone multiple rehab attempts before sobriety.
I rationalize and think I’m spending his college fund or his inheritance.
I told my husband that I feared my son would die. That was hard to argue with. If my son relapses after this current treatment, I know I can't keep paying and put my own future at risk. Maybe you can be the one to open communication with your husband so that you ea. understand the other.
Hopefully, you and your husband can agree to communicate and compromise so that your son's addiction doesn't add more stress to your life + marriage.
If we have the money, ea. of us has to determine the value we place on what we spend it on. I wanted my son well more than I wanted something else with my money. You paying 1/3 of treatment or doing it your husband's way with no financial
assistance...we really don't know which way would ultimately prove most beneficial for your son. My son's drug addiction, alcoholism, depression + suicide attempts are no less fatal than cancer and I would help with that disease. Relapse is part of addiction.
Insurance paid 100% of 1st rehab, I split the cost with his dad the 2nd time and now I am paying 100% of a very expensive facility. At this point, I have determined that this is the last time I will pay rehab bills. But who knows what the future holds.
I paid my 2 step-son's college tuition. That was what was approp. for them.
Rehab is what is approp. for my son.
We freq. hear that it took someone multiple rehab attempts before sobriety.
I rationalize and think I’m spending his college fund or his inheritance.
I told my husband that I feared my son would die. That was hard to argue with. If my son relapses after this current treatment, I know I can't keep paying and put my own future at risk. Maybe you can be the one to open communication with your husband so that you ea. understand the other.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Thanks for all of the input.
My husband and I talked this morning. The matter between us is resolved. I can see both sides of this issue and it is truly a very fine line. I still believe that I am being supportive of my son's recovery. Ultimately recovery is in his hands......it is his recovery. I'm busy trying to deal with my own recovery and I'm still in my first couple of years......I have plenty of room for improvement.
For me money is transient. I can't take it with me. My motive was simply that I love my son and he asked for help.
My husband and I talked this morning. The matter between us is resolved. I can see both sides of this issue and it is truly a very fine line. I still believe that I am being supportive of my son's recovery. Ultimately recovery is in his hands......it is his recovery. I'm busy trying to deal with my own recovery and I'm still in my first couple of years......I have plenty of room for improvement.
For me money is transient. I can't take it with me. My motive was simply that I love my son and he asked for help.
Last edited by Kindeyes; 03-23-2008 at 09:25 PM.
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