Wife just relapsed after 6 years
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1
Wife just relapsed after 6 years
My wife just relapsed after 6 years.
She says she is no longer an alcoholic--she does not have a problem.
She does not want to quit.
She is staying out all night with who-knows-who, getting her car banged up, leaving me and the kids alone a lot more often.
I am not sure what to do--what if she never wants to quit?
I understand it will take time to quit--but what if she never even wants to try?
Some say: Don't give an alcoholic money. Well, I work, and she doesn't. Should I take away her debit card to our account or something? I don't think THAT would turn out very well...
What do I do?
Since I am a man, I am sure my kids would go to her if we got separated/divorced, because mothers are usually the best parents. I don't want my kids to have to grow up with this.
What do I do?
I feel pretty stuck--there is really no way out.
She says she is no longer an alcoholic--she does not have a problem.
She does not want to quit.
She is staying out all night with who-knows-who, getting her car banged up, leaving me and the kids alone a lot more often.
I am not sure what to do--what if she never wants to quit?
I understand it will take time to quit--but what if she never even wants to try?
Some say: Don't give an alcoholic money. Well, I work, and she doesn't. Should I take away her debit card to our account or something? I don't think THAT would turn out very well...
What do I do?
Since I am a man, I am sure my kids would go to her if we got separated/divorced, because mothers are usually the best parents. I don't want my kids to have to grow up with this.
What do I do?
I feel pretty stuck--there is really no way out.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 208
I am sorry you are dealing with this very sad, painful situation.
I urge you to find a local Al-anon meeting. You will meet many people who have had to make the exact decisions you are currently facing. There are meetings (pre-teen and ala-teen) to help your children as well.
The children will not necessarily go to your wife. A parent who is proven to be abusing alcohol or drugs does not typically retain custody. But that is not an issue to tackle for today. One day at a time and, if the time comes, you can obtain legitimate legal counsel to help determine this.
I urge you not to confuse their well-being with hers. You can't save her. You can NOT save her or help her or convince her. Your children need you. You can not help them by "helping" their mother. You can ONLY help them by helping YOURSELF. They desperately need at least one rational adult who is in contact with reality, empowered and ready to make choices for their safety and happiness.
Al-anon is loaded with tools to help you make those choices and to distinguish what is and is not your responsibility.
I can not tell if my tone is too forceful. If it is, I must apologize. Your story brings up my worst pain and I pray you do not ever have to endure what I have. I would say more but it's just too horrible. I'm only trying to let you know that if this feels pushy, that's my own complicated stuff and please take what you like and leave the rest.
You will find much support here and only you know what decisions are right for you at this time.
I wish you and your children the best.
I urge you to find a local Al-anon meeting. You will meet many people who have had to make the exact decisions you are currently facing. There are meetings (pre-teen and ala-teen) to help your children as well.
The children will not necessarily go to your wife. A parent who is proven to be abusing alcohol or drugs does not typically retain custody. But that is not an issue to tackle for today. One day at a time and, if the time comes, you can obtain legitimate legal counsel to help determine this.
I urge you not to confuse their well-being with hers. You can't save her. You can NOT save her or help her or convince her. Your children need you. You can not help them by "helping" their mother. You can ONLY help them by helping YOURSELF. They desperately need at least one rational adult who is in contact with reality, empowered and ready to make choices for their safety and happiness.
Al-anon is loaded with tools to help you make those choices and to distinguish what is and is not your responsibility.
I can not tell if my tone is too forceful. If it is, I must apologize. Your story brings up my worst pain and I pray you do not ever have to endure what I have. I would say more but it's just too horrible. I'm only trying to let you know that if this feels pushy, that's my own complicated stuff and please take what you like and leave the rest.
You will find much support here and only you know what decisions are right for you at this time.
I wish you and your children the best.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 26
Oh, boy, do I feel your pain. I find that detachment is what works in a situation like this. You can live your life without worrying about the alcoholic -- it's not easy, but it can be done. I don't know how old your children are, but if you can explain to them that their mom has a disease, it will help them understand what is going on. There is a saying that comes to mind when I hear someone complain of feeling stuck in an alcoholic relationship - "let go or be dragged." Letting go can be a mental and/or emotional separation - it does not mean that you have to be physcially separated. (And yes, if you can, open a separate bank account for your wife. Setting boundaries will help protect you and your kids in the future.)
It is very difficult to live in an alcoholic marriage without some support. I suggest that you attend some Al Anon meetings. Al Anon can give you the tools to help you view your life in a more positive light and make the changes necessary to be a well and whole person.
It is very difficult to live in an alcoholic marriage without some support. I suggest that you attend some Al Anon meetings. Al Anon can give you the tools to help you view your life in a more positive light and make the changes necessary to be a well and whole person.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
Im sorry for your pain, but welcome you to this forum.
Alanon is for families of alcoholics...I urge you to sttend meetings. The hope,help and support is there for you.
The answers will come to you.....be still and seek help. Thats the only way to help her and your kids.
Take it a day at a time!
Alanon is for families of alcoholics...I urge you to sttend meetings. The hope,help and support is there for you.
The answers will come to you.....be still and seek help. Thats the only way to help her and your kids.
Take it a day at a time!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi Gocarac--
So sorry your wife got back on the merry-go-round. What a nightmare.
Just want to second these very very wise words from abcdefg:
"You can't save her. You can NOT save her or help her or convince her. Your children need you. You can not help them by "helping" their mother. You can ONLY help them by helping YOURSELF. They desperately need at least one rational adult who is in contact with reality, empowered and ready to make choices for their safety and happiness."
When I was a teenager and finally realized just what the hell was REALLY going on and I had one of many fights with my mom - (the SOBER parent) and I said "Dad's an alcoholic" she slapped me right across the face. That's one I've never forgiven I gotta admit...
But I bring it up just to say that whatever you decide in terms of your relationship with your wife - I beg you to have a little family meeting alone with the kids and just spell it out for them - in plain language - mom is an alcoholic and alcoholism is a disease.
No blame, no shame.
Let them know it is a tough thing to deal with and that you are available to talk about it. Let them know that Alateen exists (if and when they are teenagers).
What a world of hurt my mother could have prevented if she had just been honest about why our family was so DIFFERENT, why our home life dynamic was SO MESSED up and why my 3 brothers should have had a A LITTLE MORE AWARENESS/EDUCATION about alcohol before they started down the roads they chose toward alcoholism...
My father eventually found sobriety and recovery through AA and he and my mom had a very happy 20 more years of marriage till he died...and y'know good for them I love them both to pieces, but the damage was done to the 5 kids, only 2 of us were still at home when he got sober and we both left a couple years after....done deal, can't re-write those years!!
In my twenties AlAnon turned my head around - just like WHAMMO - new way to think and learn and grow - and just to be in rooms full of folks who know exactly what you're talking about makes you feel less desperate, alone, and hopeless, so its never too early to turn your kids on to that idea.
Certainly wish you clarity and strength...I hope you're not alone in trying to handle this - check out AlAnon if you can - and make a plan - however bright and small - try to have a plan you can stick to just for today.
Peace B.
So sorry your wife got back on the merry-go-round. What a nightmare.
Just want to second these very very wise words from abcdefg:
"You can't save her. You can NOT save her or help her or convince her. Your children need you. You can not help them by "helping" their mother. You can ONLY help them by helping YOURSELF. They desperately need at least one rational adult who is in contact with reality, empowered and ready to make choices for their safety and happiness."
When I was a teenager and finally realized just what the hell was REALLY going on and I had one of many fights with my mom - (the SOBER parent) and I said "Dad's an alcoholic" she slapped me right across the face. That's one I've never forgiven I gotta admit...
But I bring it up just to say that whatever you decide in terms of your relationship with your wife - I beg you to have a little family meeting alone with the kids and just spell it out for them - in plain language - mom is an alcoholic and alcoholism is a disease.
No blame, no shame.
Let them know it is a tough thing to deal with and that you are available to talk about it. Let them know that Alateen exists (if and when they are teenagers).
What a world of hurt my mother could have prevented if she had just been honest about why our family was so DIFFERENT, why our home life dynamic was SO MESSED up and why my 3 brothers should have had a A LITTLE MORE AWARENESS/EDUCATION about alcohol before they started down the roads they chose toward alcoholism...
My father eventually found sobriety and recovery through AA and he and my mom had a very happy 20 more years of marriage till he died...and y'know good for them I love them both to pieces, but the damage was done to the 5 kids, only 2 of us were still at home when he got sober and we both left a couple years after....done deal, can't re-write those years!!
In my twenties AlAnon turned my head around - just like WHAMMO - new way to think and learn and grow - and just to be in rooms full of folks who know exactly what you're talking about makes you feel less desperate, alone, and hopeless, so its never too early to turn your kids on to that idea.
Certainly wish you clarity and strength...I hope you're not alone in trying to handle this - check out AlAnon if you can - and make a plan - however bright and small - try to have a plan you can stick to just for today.
Peace B.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Minneapolis, Mn. Minnesota Alligator Controll
Posts: 286
Welcome aboard
Depending on the state you live in and their laws,
The kids are # 1 priority, in family courts.
I had custody of my 2 kids from age 9 on.
document all useing activety, and get a lawyer. If you think you need one or not.
The kids are # 1 priority, in family courts.
I had custody of my 2 kids from age 9 on.
document all useing activety, and get a lawyer. If you think you need one or not.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
