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I think it's a good idea to start a new thread when another starts to go off track.
I got a PM from someone who said they don't respond well to people who don't get a joke. The message went on to lecture me on what I may have missed in the original thread.
So my new thread is about this: why is it I don't "get the joke" when it's made by an addict - recovering or not?
I think the simple answer is it's a trigger and my emotions may still be raw on it.
Then I think maybe I should look at it like this: why does a recovering addict feel the need to jump into a thread in defense of an addict's selfishness?
Then I think, well, that would apply to me, too. I read the threads about the awful, bitchy ex-wives and feel the need to respond. Not always, but I do.
Then I realized - holy cow, the thread in question is about BOTH those things.
Heck, who knows why I started this thread, but it felt good to get it out. Thanks for listening.
I got a PM from someone who said they don't respond well to people who don't get a joke. The message went on to lecture me on what I may have missed in the original thread.
So my new thread is about this: why is it I don't "get the joke" when it's made by an addict - recovering or not?
I think the simple answer is it's a trigger and my emotions may still be raw on it.
Then I think maybe I should look at it like this: why does a recovering addict feel the need to jump into a thread in defense of an addict's selfishness?
Then I think, well, that would apply to me, too. I read the threads about the awful, bitchy ex-wives and feel the need to respond. Not always, but I do.
Then I realized - holy cow, the thread in question is about BOTH those things.
Heck, who knows why I started this thread, but it felt good to get it out. Thanks for listening.
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I am the one who started it I think : (
For me, the comments made by the recovering addict were offensive in that there really was no place for her comments in the other thread. I expressed my opinion and what I have experienced. Comment on it if you want, but insulting me isn't the way to convince me that what I'm saying is not true. Second, correcting someone's grammar or statment is completely out of line to me as well. I often see things written wrong. Heck, sometimes I write them wrong. What is the big deal? My x addict bf used to "correct" me all the time to the point of ridiculousness. Like, I asked if he had cashed my rent check. He responded, "no, I deposited your rent check. When you cash a check they give you the money in hand. When you deposit the check, they take it from your account and put into my account." When I read her statements, it was so typical of addicts/alcoholic behavior I had to say something.
I come here to get a better understanding of the disease and to grow and learn so I can get better. I don't need to lighten-up. I have a very good sense of humor. I do need, however, people to be respectful. None of her comments were IMHO. If I wanted to be corrected or insulted, I could go back to my xabf tomorrow.
For me, the comments made by the recovering addict were offensive in that there really was no place for her comments in the other thread. I expressed my opinion and what I have experienced. Comment on it if you want, but insulting me isn't the way to convince me that what I'm saying is not true. Second, correcting someone's grammar or statment is completely out of line to me as well. I often see things written wrong. Heck, sometimes I write them wrong. What is the big deal? My x addict bf used to "correct" me all the time to the point of ridiculousness. Like, I asked if he had cashed my rent check. He responded, "no, I deposited your rent check. When you cash a check they give you the money in hand. When you deposit the check, they take it from your account and put into my account." When I read her statements, it was so typical of addicts/alcoholic behavior I had to say something.
I come here to get a better understanding of the disease and to grow and learn so I can get better. I don't need to lighten-up. I have a very good sense of humor. I do need, however, people to be respectful. None of her comments were IMHO. If I wanted to be corrected or insulted, I could go back to my xabf tomorrow.
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I am not a saint. I have not reached the point of complete and total forgiveness and compassion. I was deeply wounded over many years by multiple alcoholics. I'm sure many of those wounds have not even surfaced into my consciousness yet. I have more triggers than a redneck's gun cabinet, lol.
If I chose to jump into the middle of a bunch of people like me and start hitting the triggers, I would expect to be met with more than a little hostility. It would be a little like painting myself with honey and jumping into a wasp nest. Who knows what would make me want to do something like that. I spent way too long beating myself up, I hope I never develop the urge to prod others into beating me up.
L
If I chose to jump into the middle of a bunch of people like me and start hitting the triggers, I would expect to be met with more than a little hostility. It would be a little like painting myself with honey and jumping into a wasp nest. Who knows what would make me want to do something like that. I spent way too long beating myself up, I hope I never develop the urge to prod others into beating me up.
L
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I have found after many years on forums that there are often people that get hoisted by their own petard. I see it occurring on SR more than most, though.
One of the "cleverest" things my ex did when using verbal abuse was the "Can't you take a joke?" trick. In fact, he used to physically stick his tongue in his cheek to indicate that I should take his words in that manner, bot only when challenged. Luckily, it made him look like a fool, thereby proving the "actions speak louder than words" adage. FAOD, I couldn't take the joke because THERE WAS NO JOKE.
I love it when recovering alcoholics come on F&F with humility and share the view from their side of the fence. Finger-wagging doesn't float my boat, though.
And Denny. I love it when you start threads. They always get me thinking.
One of the "cleverest" things my ex did when using verbal abuse was the "Can't you take a joke?" trick. In fact, he used to physically stick his tongue in his cheek to indicate that I should take his words in that manner, bot only when challenged. Luckily, it made him look like a fool, thereby proving the "actions speak louder than words" adage. FAOD, I couldn't take the joke because THERE WAS NO JOKE.
I love it when recovering alcoholics come on F&F with humility and share the view from their side of the fence. Finger-wagging doesn't float my boat, though.
And Denny. I love it when you start threads. They always get me thinking.
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Confession - I slightly misused that phrase. I love it though. Especially that the French used petard as a word for "a loud discharge of intestinal gas,". petard - Definitions from Dictionary.com
I was really driving at the notion of accusing others of over-generalisation in terms of the selfishness of alcoholics in a manner which seems to be over-ridingly self-centered. Perhaps that is what they call irony?
I was really driving at the notion of accusing others of over-generalisation in terms of the selfishness of alcoholics in a manner which seems to be over-ridingly self-centered. Perhaps that is what they call irony?
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Condescending - to behave as if one is descending from a superior position
Superiority - showing a consciousness or feeling of being better than or above others.
According to Toby Rice Drews, author of 'Getting Them Sober'.....one of the first things that needs to be deflated is the addict's ego. With the inflated ego still intact, long term sobriety is unlikely.
Need I say more?
Superiority - showing a consciousness or feeling of being better than or above others.
According to Toby Rice Drews, author of 'Getting Them Sober'.....one of the first things that needs to be deflated is the addict's ego. With the inflated ego still intact, long term sobriety is unlikely.
Need I say more?
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
I have more triggers than a redneck's gun cabinet
respectfully requesting permission to steal this, ltd
Sorry. I know this is a serious thread but that's spit-out-your-coffee funny.
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i love this thread. love love love it. thank you all. i love your HUMOR!
i used to feel like i had to laugh at things i really didn't think were funny -- people throwing up on themselves, mean-spirited gossip and insults, and generally frightening behavior. i also had to give up and let the alcoholic shout me down or drown me out.
i felt that way because the Higher Power in my family was alcoholism. if didn't play along, there were ugly, humiliating consequences that came down.
my first sponsor taught me that part of my recovery could be giving myself the gift of never again having to pretend something is funny when i don't feel it's funny. and also granting myself the dignity and grace of carrying and, when called for, sharing my own opinion.
it's still scary -- it still feels like i am "defying" the alcoholic(s). but i have a real higher power now and THAT is the only true authority in my life. not someone who is so demented and ill that they would try to pick on me to avoid their own reality.
thank you all so much. this is a bad, old button for me and i'm so grateful to read other people's ES&H
i used to feel like i had to laugh at things i really didn't think were funny -- people throwing up on themselves, mean-spirited gossip and insults, and generally frightening behavior. i also had to give up and let the alcoholic shout me down or drown me out.
i felt that way because the Higher Power in my family was alcoholism. if didn't play along, there were ugly, humiliating consequences that came down.
my first sponsor taught me that part of my recovery could be giving myself the gift of never again having to pretend something is funny when i don't feel it's funny. and also granting myself the dignity and grace of carrying and, when called for, sharing my own opinion.
it's still scary -- it still feels like i am "defying" the alcoholic(s). but i have a real higher power now and THAT is the only true authority in my life. not someone who is so demented and ill that they would try to pick on me to avoid their own reality.
thank you all so much. this is a bad, old button for me and i'm so grateful to read other people's ES&H
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Originally Posted by GiveLove
respectfully requesting permission to steal this, ltd
Sorry. I know this is a serious thread but that's spit-out-your-coffee funny.
Sorry. I know this is a serious thread but that's spit-out-your-coffee funny.
L
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Originally Posted by tracee1010
OKAY I GET IT NOW... . I told you I was slow.. hee hee hee
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I've had a PM on this, but wanted to comment: I don't personally think it's the commenting by others that triggers me, it's the lecturing - especially that I need to be more understanding of an addict, or "get the joke." I like hearing from all sides of every issue. I don't like being told my feelings regarding my experience with an addict are off base.
I thought about this some more today and I also realized that AH used to correct my (and everyone else's) grammar and use of words, too.
This has been important for me - to see how deep the damage went and how much work I still need to do.
I thought about this some more today and I also realized that AH used to correct my (and everyone else's) grammar and use of words, too.
This has been important for me - to see how deep the damage went and how much work I still need to do.
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yes, I agree, I get corrected a lot by the active alcoholics in my life, (husband and mother), but there is a lady I work with who is also very antagonistic (that is the term I use for this type of behavior, belittling, argumentative, etc.) It makes me wonder if she is just like this or is an addict/alcoholic? I have never been treated that way at work before, and I even told the boss before, she is my boss, and he is her boss, and he basically told me to take it up with her. I don't know what to do . antagonistic/alcoholic/addicts are very difficult people for me , I don't need to be verbally confronted on everything I say, I am hard enough on myself already!
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