Brewster

I live in a resort town in TN. I am Mechanical Engineer and run a successful plumbing business. Beginning in 2000, after a bad construction site accident, I was introduced into the wonderful world of prescription opiates. Since I know everyone in town, including three pharmicists, my access was essentially unlimited. Further, this part of TN is rife with drug abuse of all kinds. This, plus my willingness, contributed to a substantial oxycontin habit peaking in 2004 to about 4-5 hundred mg a day everyday for about 2 years. I managed to check myself into a wonderful local rehab and turn my life around. Next month, I'll be two years clean.

Around me though, the devastation continues. I began my journey with six other souls. We formed a group, here in town, and for my first year it looked like we might all make it. However, all but one has relapsed. I've watched their lives deteriorate into destruction. Families, houses, businesses gone, in the pursuit of drugs.

I've was detemined to drop out of the drug life and have become stronger in my convictions, but now my heart breaks for the others who have returned to the horrors of addiction. It could've been so right, we could have all made it, though I realize it was not to be. I'm happy to have my family, assets and life still intact. I'm glad that the one soul that has remained with me is still strong with sobriety.

But I have seen talented, bright, people continue to destroy their lives. The toll on their families, this community and no doubt the nation as a whole is almost unmeasurable.

I'm just sick about it. It makes my two year mark, kind of sad in a way, because even though I have finished my part in madness, the opera continues around me. Thanks for letting me vent.

Sugah

Brewster, I feel your pain. I had a similar experience, only I had lost almost all. I shouldn't say that -- I still had my children, but anything of material value was essentially gone, and I was broken, physically and spiritually when I started on the road to recovery. There were five others who had a pretty good shot, some in better shape, some in worse shape than I was. One struggled awhile longer, finally getting and staying sober (she just celebrated four years). Another who joined us about six months later is now her husband. Two others "hooked up" (he had "experience" in recovery and was going to help her), and she relapsed first, followed by him. He never made it back, and the last time I saw her was in the county jail right before she was being transferred to a state facility. One more has had short, productive periods of sobriety, but each time he went back out, his drinking was worse. Last I heard, his wife had left him and his children would not let him keep his grandchildren unattended.

We all started close to the same time, and when I was about five months along, I watched the other five fall like dominoes - helpless to do anything for any one of them. Hell, it was all I could do at that time to keep myself afloat.

My husband's sponsor asked him once to answer a question: "Why me?" Now, any one of us could approach that question from several different angles. I could say -- why me? Why am I an addict? Or, why me? Why am I the one who managed to stay clean? The answer to the first one doesn't much matter any more. If I don't know a little bit of the answer to the second by now, I'd best get cracking. But, I think I do, and my, oh, my, do I wish I could bottle willingness and hand it out at the door.

Oh, Brewster? Don't be sad. There's another half dozen waiting for you, and they're going to want -- need -- to know how you did it.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Brewster

Thanks Sugah. You know where it is I am coming from tonight.

sweetpea40

Hi Brewster,
I am so sorry to hear about your friends... I think you really have a lot to be proud of though..Look at where your at today. You have been Blessed and I am very proud of you. I think recovery is what you make out of it and from what I have seen...You truly wanted it...Your friends where not ready...The only thing you can do for your friends is pray that God will help them find their way back to recovery and that he watch over them until they are ready.
Now that you see your friends going in the direction they are going in and how bad it hurts...Imagine what your family thought when they seen you going through that. It's heart breaking and there is nothing you can do until that person is ready.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, My son is home now from the rehab you went to and he is doing very good. I know he has his days, but thank God he is doing what he is suppose to do. Please keep him in your prayers.
I will be praying that God will help ease your pain from seeing your friends go through this.. I know how you feel...May God Bless your family, friends, and You.
Prayers,
Machele

Lily

Brewster,

where i live in central WI there are very few NA meetings, so I got to AA. I do agree w/ sugah when she says others will be wanting what you have. Just keep plugging along. congrats on your 2 years! blessings, Sheila

ccgirl2

Great job on two years.

Sadly, I'm not suprised by the numbers from your group. I'll bet if you could find statistics nationally, they'd be right in line.

2ala2

Congratulations on the 2 years!
Your recovery comes first. There's nothing you can really do for them. They know the way back and you are a fine example..
Keep it up!

PeachyClean

Congradulations on 2 Years! That is wonderful.

ccgirl2

As usual ala's right. You can only help you. I found that out painfully recently.

Brewster

2ala2, I knew that if you posted that is what you might say, and, that you'd be right.

Brewster

Thanks for everyone's reply. I really needed to get that out last night, and I'm glad this place was here to do it. I also really looked forward to the responses I'd get.

My wife browses this board now, and after seeing this post, she said that one of the key things that has occured since the beginning of my fight for recovery, is the growth of my caring about people, how they are doing and what happens to them. Before, I was all about things, doing things and getting them done. Now at the ripe age of 51, I don't so much care about that anymore. I mostly care about how those around me are doing and how I can help instead of hurt or use them.

If it can be said, maybe this addiction and daily effort towards recovery have been worth it for that reason alone.

windysan

A lot of my friends have dropped like flies. Sucks to be them is the way I look at it. Keeps the fear in me.

MNGirlyGirl

Your post sounds a little like you have "survivor's guilt". Why did you make it and so many others didn't? It is hard to watch others spiral downward when we have found some sober time and gotten our lives back. If only we could help them see the "light"!! You have so much to be greatful for. All you can do is be a shining example and someday maybe one of them will say "I want what he has"!

Brewster

Windysan, yeah it is the fear you state and the desire to be sober each day. Those damn withdrawals and time spent waiting for them to be over, Keep me afeared.

MNGirlyGirl, you are right on the mark. But I got it out here last night and am feeling much better now.

MNGirlyGirl

yep, sometimes we just need to express it and get it out and it no longer carries the power it had over us.