really_fed_up

So I'm getting there...but I still feel guilty. Dad wrote me an email saying "it's better to be kind than to be right". This is not at all about "being right". It's about making choices and the choices I'm making to better myself and to stop being sucked in to my sister's and mother's sick co-dependent / alcoholic relationship. How can I get the guilt to stop? Is this something that just goes away with time?

LaTeeDa

Remind yourself that enabling makes alcoholism worse, not better. The kindest thing you can do for an alcoholic is allow them to feel the full consequences of their actions. And don't forget that kindness starts at home--being kind to yourself is first.

How can you get the guilt to stop? Maybe choose not to engage with those who wish to lay a guilt trip on you?

L

Lilyflower

Hi there really fed up. For me the whole guilt thing is me questioning myself as to whether or not I have / am doing the right thing. If you know you did the right thing by yourself your family and your sister, you need to keep repeating that to yourself all the time. Your parents are doing a terrible thing to you- laying on the blame. The guilt and blame game is a horrible manipulation tool that makes you doubt yourself and eats away at your resolve. Have you thought of blocking their emails for a few weeks, or longer? As long as they are contacting you in this shameful way, and you have yet to heal yourself from past hurts and issues, they will succeed in making you make yourself feel guilty.

You have found recovery and are doing your best right now to protect yourself from and to heal your pain, your parents cannot comprehend this behaviour as it is completely alien to them, they have never experienced or witnessed the type of relationship you are aiming for with yourself and others. Until you are strong enough to see their emotional attacks coming and are able to shield yourself effectively, maybe contact should be kept to a strictly minimal basis.

I hope you find peace

Love Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxx

cmc

I found I had a choice to act on feelings about my own guilt: when I wasn't taking care of myself properly or when I decided to take part in someone else's destruction. That kind of guilt helped me to change.

Hearing unsolicited advice and negative remarks from others who aren't in recovery will happen and I can also choose to ignore or confront them.

Once I started to take actions for myself and stop enabling, my personal guilt stopped. What somebody else chooses to do or what they think of me is their business, so I am not about to take on any guilt due to what is out of my control.

really_fed_up

Wow, I love this forum. Thank you all. It makes so much sense now, and it really, really helps. Blessings!

justjo

I remember sometime ago I wrote a similar post and a great guy called Music, asked "why are you feeling so guilty, have you done anything wrong?
"What are you guilty for?

I was feeling guilty because I had a good life and my as has lost everything. Now why should I feel guilty because of her choices & decisions?

Stand proud of your own achievements.

really_fed_up

You are all so strong; thank your for your advice!

Wascally Wabbit

When this kind of thing happens in my family, and unfortunately, I have a AS, and a RAM,
I back off. I don't get involved. I stay in the shadows. I let them find their own way. I find reasons not to talk on the phone for days at a time. If I didn't I would go insane with the rest of them.

We must do what we must do to take care of our own sanity. If being around an addict makes us insane, well, we can choose not to be around them!

It seems that family always likes to drag other family members into the chaos. Next thing you know, one is pitting another against yet another.
Life is too short to have to deal with something like that if we don't have to.
Let your sister find her own way, and don't feel guilty!

You have every right to a peaceful life. So do I and so does everyone here. Just because someone else chooses chaos, fear, paranoia and addiction over that peace does not make it our responsibility to clean it up, nor does it make it our fault they chose that road.

You will get stronger and stronger when you set a boundary and don't let anyone cross it.

really_fed_up

Thanks everyone--by the way, what does RAM mean? Recovering Alcoholic mom?

Growing

yes...recovering alcoholic mom.

I agree that some of your guilt might be survivors guilt...I see that I can't give into survivors guilt...it is one of my toughest battles...

"it's better to be kind than to be right"---I apologize for the following being redundant...but, in my opinion, this phrase is charged with covert meaning:

"it's better to be kind than to be right". ----I see this as manipulation. You are breaking the cycle...some people don't like that...and will attempt to reel you back into the dysfunctional fold.

"it's better to be kind than to be right".----To me, this says, its better to be codependent and in the family circle, than not codependent and out of the family circle.

"it's better to be kind than to be right".----Lets re-phrase that: It is better to be sane with firm boundaries than insane, boundary-less and kind. Kind, seen here, appears to mean "codependent". Seen in that light you could say: "Its better to be codependent than right"---which has been my families motto ever since I can remember...pretty scary stuff...And your right. This has nothing to do with being right.
This has to do with being whole. This has to do with healing.

At some point, I had to accept that my dysfuctional relatives were never going to understand what I was doing for myself in my recovery. And you know what? Today, that is o.k. with me. I don't have to act in my codependecy to "make" them understand. If I forever remain an enigma to them....so be it.

Hugs to you! Each step we take toward healing is important. I am glad you are on this path.

Kindeyes

Growing......that was a very powerful translation! Beautifully stated! I have nothing to add to that because it spelled it out so well.......thank you!

shadowwood

I could never make my mother understand that the "kindest" thing that she could have ever done for my AB was to make him stand on his own two feet and solve his own problems. I doubt you will be able to make yours understand either.

As far as the guilt, this is something that we do to ourselves. You have made the decision to stop the madness and disengage from the Toxic Triangle for your sanity and peace of mind. What is there to feel guilty about?

really_fed_up

Thanks everyone...yes, when I re-read the email from my dad, I saw that it was nothing new--i.e. he is just as in denial as my mom and my sister. And now that my sister is saying that the fact that I didn't hold on to her belongings is just mean and she doesn't see how it "enables" her, well, she's just as crazy and still in total denial. I've had enough. ENOUGH! I'm blocking their emails and letting them have their own dysfunctional parade.

denny57

Kindeyes

There ya go! (and it was nice of Denny to provide the fireworks for their parade ;-)

utopia

wow, thank u for your posts, this has helped me beyond measure in dealing with some recovery issues about boundaries so much, ur strength is my strength. thankyou!