Aggghh
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
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Aggghh
That is how i am feeling today!!! Damn it i slipped up big style. I answered my mobile phone and it was my xab mother, i havent heard from her for 3 weeks. She and I got on very well when me and Peter where together, she has suffered with his drinking for a looong time, but i suppose has enabled her son for a very long time too.
she started the conversation with how are you and the girls bla bla, i asked how she was never once asking how peter was, then she told me that Peter was very upset(angry more like) that i thought that he had lied when he told me that he had cancer, and that he had a letter from the doctor stating all his ailments since august 07 WHAT!!! she continued to read this letter which said something in the line of
"On 05.12.07 a lump was found on Mr Evans leg, an emergency consulatation for removal incase of sarcoma cancer. bla bla
She said that Peter has asked her to post this letter to me.
I was gobsmacked, i said to her "I was told by him that the doctor had said that he HAD cancer, there is a big difference with a HAVE and Could have. she backed him up saying that he probably did think that he had cancer he was just in shock. UGHHHH. His reactions where all wrong when he had such good news, i knew then that he had streched the truth to suit (for those who dont know the story read previous posts) i am crying and angry writting this is there no getting away from this, ive had no contact with him for 9 weeks why is his mother doing this to me!!! her of all people
I said calmly to her this is not the reason i left him AGAIN, I was chuffed to bits that he was ok, the problem was he was drunk when he told me, and that he will carry on drinking like he always has, and that's why I left him in July/Sept/Nov, I went back when he told me he had cancer and now i know that i shouldnt have, but at the time i was devestated. I knew that i didnt want to be with him so when i had a chance i ran away to carry on with my life.
She asked if i wanted the letter from the doctor i told her no that it made no difference he was still drinking, to which she relpied "Well he's not drinking As much these days, and another lump has started on his leg, so he's going back in hospital this month"
I told her sorry to hear that and i wish him and her the best.
Sorry this is so long, im trying so hard and have done so well and now i feel i have to start all over again and im tierd.
Mair
she started the conversation with how are you and the girls bla bla, i asked how she was never once asking how peter was, then she told me that Peter was very upset(angry more like) that i thought that he had lied when he told me that he had cancer, and that he had a letter from the doctor stating all his ailments since august 07 WHAT!!! she continued to read this letter which said something in the line of
"On 05.12.07 a lump was found on Mr Evans leg, an emergency consulatation for removal incase of sarcoma cancer. bla bla
She said that Peter has asked her to post this letter to me.
I was gobsmacked, i said to her "I was told by him that the doctor had said that he HAD cancer, there is a big difference with a HAVE and Could have. she backed him up saying that he probably did think that he had cancer he was just in shock. UGHHHH. His reactions where all wrong when he had such good news, i knew then that he had streched the truth to suit (for those who dont know the story read previous posts) i am crying and angry writting this is there no getting away from this, ive had no contact with him for 9 weeks why is his mother doing this to me!!! her of all people
I said calmly to her this is not the reason i left him AGAIN, I was chuffed to bits that he was ok, the problem was he was drunk when he told me, and that he will carry on drinking like he always has, and that's why I left him in July/Sept/Nov, I went back when he told me he had cancer and now i know that i shouldnt have, but at the time i was devestated. I knew that i didnt want to be with him so when i had a chance i ran away to carry on with my life.
She asked if i wanted the letter from the doctor i told her no that it made no difference he was still drinking, to which she relpied "Well he's not drinking As much these days, and another lump has started on his leg, so he's going back in hospital this month"
I told her sorry to hear that and i wish him and her the best.
Sorry this is so long, im trying so hard and have done so well and now i feel i have to start all over again and im tierd.
Mair
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
It stinks doesn't it? Just when you are starting to feel almost normal this crap rears it's head. His mom is tired of him already and would like for you to resume your previous position as his enabler.
I don't think you slipped, you handled it pretty well IMO.
I don't think you slipped, you handled it pretty well IMO.
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I think your right Had, his Mum is a lovely woman but she really messed me up today. His power of manipulation is now coming through her, so in future i will have to have no contact with her either. so hard she was like a mother to me.
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Oh my. As I read your post, I saw me. I'm the mother of an A son.
I got myself in trouble (before I was figuring stuff out) by acting as the messenger between my son and his girlfriend. Once I FINALLY figured it out, I realized that I was my A son's messenger to a lot of people. I thought he was "misunderstood". Unfortunately it is a part of a mother's love. Not a healthy part though.
Once I understood MY role in my son's disease, I realized that by acting as his messenger, I was the one pissing people off instead of HIM pissing them off. Isn't that convenient. I also realized that I was the one who allowed myself to be put in the middle. The people who where particular targets of this activity were my husband, my daughter, and my A son's girlfriend.
I still find myself almost slipping and doing it again. It's a tough habit to break.
BUT as a result of TRYING to improve this situation, I have a better relationship with those people who were caught in our triangle. I've finally realized that my relationship with them is SEPARATE from my relationship with my A son and his relationship with them is separate from mine. That when I intermingle them, I am damaging MY relationship with those other people whom I love very much.
I hope that your xab's mother will realize her role in this drama someday. She'll be healthier for it and so will her relationships with others (including her A son!)
gentle hugs
I got myself in trouble (before I was figuring stuff out) by acting as the messenger between my son and his girlfriend. Once I FINALLY figured it out, I realized that I was my A son's messenger to a lot of people. I thought he was "misunderstood". Unfortunately it is a part of a mother's love. Not a healthy part though.
Once I understood MY role in my son's disease, I realized that by acting as his messenger, I was the one pissing people off instead of HIM pissing them off. Isn't that convenient. I also realized that I was the one who allowed myself to be put in the middle. The people who where particular targets of this activity were my husband, my daughter, and my A son's girlfriend.
I still find myself almost slipping and doing it again. It's a tough habit to break.
BUT as a result of TRYING to improve this situation, I have a better relationship with those people who were caught in our triangle. I've finally realized that my relationship with them is SEPARATE from my relationship with my A son and his relationship with them is separate from mine. That when I intermingle them, I am damaging MY relationship with those other people whom I love very much.
I hope that your xab's mother will realize her role in this drama someday. She'll be healthier for it and so will her relationships with others (including her A son!)
gentle hugs
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thanks kindeyes, the poor lady is always in the middle of the drama, when me and my xab where together she would always want to know what was going on, and me being with him ment that she didnt have to enable for a while and gave her some respite. But listening to her today reminded me of myself too before i stopped enabling, she had excuses for his behaviour, condoning his drinking etc, just like i used to do with my friends and family utter denial. It must be 100 times worst when it's your child.
Mairxx
Mairxx
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So sorry Mair, it's hard to say the things we want to their mum. Sounds like you handled yourself perfectly 
I too got a call and sucked in during Oct. and thought by my reaction to her info. that she got it, but hasn't. She was like a mum to me like you mentioned, I don't think they understand the severety of the hurt that was caused during the relationship. I wish sometimes their mothers put themselves in our situations.
hugs to you, just a little bump, your doing great!
I too got a call and sucked in during Oct. and thought by my reaction to her info. that she got it, but hasn't. She was like a mum to me like you mentioned, I don't think they understand the severety of the hurt that was caused during the relationship. I wish sometimes their mothers put themselves in our situations. hugs to you, just a little bump, your doing great!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
(((((Mair))))) I thought you did good, you stood your ground.....it opened some old wounds, and you are human after all...... gave you some good information for more closure though, eh? hugs, Grateful
... gave you some good information for more closure though, eh? hugs, Grateful
Last edited by grateful2b; 03-03-2008 at 09:27 AM. Reason: spelling
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Thanks Heather for your post((())) you said
"I wish sometimes their mothers put themselves in our situations"
I'm afraid his mother is in a worst situation, im the lucky one in all this. What unnerves me a bit is the fact that he has been to his doctor to ask for a letter recording all of his illnessess so that he or his mum can send it to me. WHY?
I really really thought after 9 weeks of nothing that he had moved on and that to me is good news. obviously not. Im just a bit paranoid now of what will he try next.
Mairxx
"I wish sometimes their mothers put themselves in our situations"
I'm afraid his mother is in a worst situation, im the lucky one in all this. What unnerves me a bit is the fact that he has been to his doctor to ask for a letter recording all of his illnessess so that he or his mum can send it to me. WHY?
I really really thought after 9 weeks of nothing that he had moved on and that to me is good news. obviously not. Im just a bit paranoid now of what will he try next.
Mairxx
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Originally Posted by Mair 
What unnerves me a bit is the fact that he has been to his doctor to ask for a letter recording all of his illnessess so that he or his mum can send it to me. WHY?
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My intention is not to make light of your feelings, which we all understand too well. But, maybe if you could look at this situation from and outsider's perspective, like mine, you might see the humor.
He is angry because you did not believe he had cancer. (which he didn't) So he goes to his doctor to get a note to prove that he may have had cancer. (which he didn't) And then gets his mom to call you and explain the whole situation to you--that he may have had cancer, but didn't. And therefore you should cut him some slack because he's still drinking and even though he doesn't have cancer (like he told you), he may have had it. You can't make up stuff like this.
L
He is angry because you did not believe he had cancer. (which he didn't) So he goes to his doctor to get a note to prove that he may have had cancer. (which he didn't) And then gets his mom to call you and explain the whole situation to you--that he may have had cancer, but didn't. And therefore you should cut him some slack because he's still drinking and even though he doesn't have cancer (like he told you), he may have had it. You can't make up stuff like this.
L
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I agree with LTD. I also don't believe you have to "start all over." When these things happen to me today, and they do happen, they are as my accountant says "fleas on an elephant's a**."
Take care, Mair.
p.s. boy, I just re-read that and I hope I'm not being called an elephant's a**! LOL
Take care, Mair.
p.s. boy, I just re-read that and I hope I'm not being called an elephant's a**! LOL
Last edited by denny57; 03-03-2008 at 11:38 AM. Reason: hey
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Mair,
I don't see where you slipped up at all. You were compassionate and you handled yourself well, and you just need a day or two of good and tender self-care to get back to normal; that's my opinion at least. Focus on you -- you cannot control what's happening to him or to his mum.
What kills me is that alcoholics don't make even the remotest little connection in their mind that their drinking debilitates their immune systems, leaving them open to all kinds of illness including cancer. They don't put two and two together. It's sad.
You will be fine --- thanks for sharing your story. We are here for you!!!
I'm off to get a doctor's note that says I might have trench foot so I don't have to go running today. Sorry, couldn't resist. I blame La Tee Da!!
I don't see where you slipped up at all. You were compassionate and you handled yourself well, and you just need a day or two of good and tender self-care to get back to normal; that's my opinion at least. Focus on you -- you cannot control what's happening to him or to his mum.
What kills me is that alcoholics don't make even the remotest little connection in their mind that their drinking debilitates their immune systems, leaving them open to all kinds of illness including cancer. They don't put two and two together. It's sad.
You will be fine --- thanks for sharing your story. We are here for you!!!
I'm off to get a doctor's note that says I might have trench foot so I don't have to go running today. Sorry, couldn't resist. I blame La Tee Da!!
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
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I relate to this. I have passive-aggressive relatives who try to send me crappy messages through one another and have done this for years....it has amped up recently because I have gone no contact with them...I have also gone no contact with the messengers this time though....LOL....I want recovery this time....so I will wait them out.
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You are sooooo on the right track to becoming free. Yes, I have found that I cannot even converse with anyone about my sister without feeling as if I am still connected, as if I never detached at all. It is definitely all or nothing for me, if I am truly going to take care of myself completely. You need to communicate clearly, in writing or verbally, your boundaries to anyone that is still in your life, that keeps up with him still, that bringing him up is an absoluted deal breaker. I am in a difficult situation, as my alcoholic sister still maintains contact with her daughter (neccessary at this time, as my niece is raising the son my AS abandoned). My niece calls me up all upset, and I try to be there for her, but it is always to my detriment. There is only one issue left that my niece has to be connected to her about, and it really has nothing to do with me, so I , like you, am finally going to have to lovingly tell my niece that I cannot hear anything about her, and there are other people she can turn to that can be more neutral. I, finally, after a childhood of living as a means of survival with my mom's alcoholic men, and then me continuing as an adult my relationships with substance abusers, not in my marriage, but in other close relationships, realized that I have a choice as to who is in my life at all times. I now choose to be free of the toxicity of substance abusers and my life is more peaceful than I ever thought possible. I have a life, how wierd is was when I first realized that I am not on this earth to REACT to others, but I am here to take care of me, I am only responsible for me and I cannot control anyone but me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When I realized that life is but the choices I make, I realized, that personally, I had made some pretty good ones. I no longer let how they are doing determine how I am doing. Most importantly, as you see now, I know that no contact with them or about them is the only way for me, and that I am not rejecting the messenger, just doing what I need to do to finally take care of me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nine weeks was not lost, just set the boundary with his mom, she either crosses it or she does'nt, you can take care of you either way, keep us posted, you are doing great!!!!!!!!!!!!
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