biocat

OK, I have decided I don't want to live like this. I can't. I don't deserve it, and the poor baby definitely shouldn't have to grow up with this stress. I walked on eggshells for the first 18 years of my life (due to my alcoholic father - I should have known better - I feel like such an idiot). It's no way to live.

The question is, how do I get out? Should I pack up my stuff and leave without telling him? He might track me down and do something terrible. Should I stay in the house and change the locks? He might break down the door. Should I try to talk to him and explain why I'm dong what I'm doing? He might fly into a rage or turn on the guilt trip machine. He will use the baby to manipulate me. No matter how I do it, he will eventually use every play in his playbook to make me feel guilty and that it is all my fault. And, I WILL feel guilty. I already do. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to be sad. I don't want our baby to grow up without his dad.

Chino

Kudos to you!

Do you rent or own your home? Is his name on any paperwork?

There are all sorts of things he might do but the question is what will you do in response?

biocat

We rent. EVERYTHING is in my name. His credit is RUINED, of course. I doubt he could even get a phone in his name.

Yes, what will I do?? That is what I'm hopin yall will help me with. I have 10 days to build myself up. I'm already chickening out. I need all the encouragement I can get.

Impurrfect

(((Biocat)))

Great for you for realizing you and your baby deserve better. I don't know what the answer is, because I don't know your financial situation.

However, if you think he will become violent, then get out and take out a restraining order if necessary. It's not about HIM and how he feels at this point, it is about you and the baby being away from him and SAFE! Too many women thought "he'd never hurt me" and found out otherwise.

Personally, I don't think talking to him about it will do any good because he will play the guilt factor and it still has a hold on you. Then again, I don't know him so that's just my opinion.

Please make sure you and the baby are safe. No mom wants their child to grow up without their father, but some fathers are toxic and only bring chaos/turmoil to their child's (and mom's) life and no child deserves that.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

wooforever

Everything is in your name right. Why should you give up what you have for him. Remember do you really want to live with the baby. I would change the locks and if he breaks down the door call the cops.

If you are afaird that he might do something really bad then get a restraining order on him.

Do you work? If you have any type of day care you need to let them know that he is not aloud to take the baby.

If you have close friends that you can trust, tell them what is going on and tell them if they can let you stay there for the a little bit.

Just do not let him guilt you into anything. Feel guilty but remember your doing this for you and the baby.

Keep us posted.

hello-kitty

Ok. Are you married? I forget. I think that the idea of talking to a trusted friend is good. She will know your situation more specifically.

In my situation. I set boundaries first so that I had something to fall back on. I wrote them down. I wrote down what my actions would be when he violated them (all of the results were that he would have to leave and not come back.) I informed him of the boundaries. One of which was, if you leave, and do not come back or call to say where you are, don't bother ever coming back because I will change the locks. If you attempt to get in I will call the police and report that you have been using drugs and I fear that you will get violent. He was VERY aware of what the consequences would be... and lo and behold... he left. He got high. He didn't call. He didn't come home that night. The next day, I changed the locks because that is exactly what I said I would do.

Two days later, he called and I told him he was no longer allowed on my property and I reminded him of the consequence of violating my boundary. Well, to him that was a great reason to stay out on a long binge.

He called a week later wanting to come home. He wanted his stuff. I told him I would put a bag out on the street and he could come pick it up and then we could make arrangements for him to get the rest of his stuff when he had a place of his own. I told him that if he attempted to enter the house, I would call the police. He whined and cried about wanting to see his son. Fact of the matter is that LOTS of fathers live seperate from the mothers of their children and the children are FINE. I wasn't trying to keep him from his son. I just didn't want to live with him anymore. It was time for him to grow up, get his own place and be a responsible contributing member of society. I told him that he could see his child as soon as he was settled into his own place. I was very calm but firm.

Of course, he never got settled into his own place. He only came over to see his son once in 4 mos. He only called twice. He was high out of his mind both times and I told him that I cared about him, his son cared about him and we wanted him to get well. He begged to come back. I told him that living with me didn't help him get well and I gave him numbers to free rehabs and homeless shelters that would be able to help. Of course he never called them. Now he's in jail... but anyway.

I did all this because I own my place. If I rented, like you, I might consider moving. Just depends on how much you like where you are. I did move to get away from him once. It helped bring a sense of closure. But that time, I violated my own boundaries, and let him move back in.

Thats how one person got free of there addict ex. Everyone does it different based on their situation but maybe you'll get a few ideas from my story.

Make a plan. Stick with it no matter what. That is how you leave.

biocat

Thanks, hello-kitty!! Very helpful! I like your approach. Anyone else want to share their story?

I'm afraid to set boundaries. For one, because he has told me I can't; that I don't have the right to tell him what do. Two, that he will get so angry trying to obey the boundary, for example not being allowed to get drunk, that he might take it out on me. Three, because I know he will violate them and I will have to follow through.

I might write down my boundaries and post them, so you guys can tell me if you think they are fair.

Woof, all good points. I have already considered that I will have to let the daycare know that he can't take the baby. Hopefully, they have a plan to deal with that sort of situation. I doubt he would try it - knowing they would probably call the cops immediately. I do have a friend I can stay with. I thought that about that too.

Chino

He's right, you don't have the right to tell him what to do. But you do the right to determine your own life and he doesn't have the right to tell you that you can't

nytepassion

May I suggest a book "Getting them sober by Toby Rice Drews" this book changed my life. It talks to you about their paper tiger threats and shows you how to deal with him. This book is priceless.

He is going to kick and scream to keep you doing what he needs you to do in order for him to continue being like he has been.

YOU HAVE RIGHTS TOO and as much as he feels he has the right to drink .. You have just as much right to not want to live with or raise your baby around a drinker (please don't ever lose sight of that right).

****{Hugs}}}
Passion

hello-kitty

You aren't telling him what to do. He can do whatever he wants. You are only setting boundaries for the kind of behavior you want you and your child to have in your life. You probably set boundaries for your child all the time. Like "When we cross the street, you must hold mommy's hand. If you do not hold mommy's hand the consequence may be that you get hit by a car". And if your child throws a temper tantrum because he doesn't get what he wants, do you just give in and let him run out into the street alone? (Well maybe your kid isn't old enough yet, but I'm sure you understand right?)

The above is not a boundary. It's trying to control someone else's behavior. A boundary is for your own behavior.

For example:

I will not allow people who get drunk to be a part of my life. Therefore, if you choose to get drunk, I choose not be to around you. If you come around me drunk I will ask you to leave. If you do not leave or you get violent with me, I will call the police.

And biocat, yeah. I hate to sound mean, but you are going to have to step up and follow through on consequences. Otherwise you are just making empty threats and it's pointless.

Maybe just practice little boundaries that you know you can enforce the consequences for and then move on to bigger ones. I think that's how I finally figured out how to stand up for my rights in my relationship.

chrisea

jmo... cause I know you are in different place than I am... you have a child to take care of. But why should you be the one to move out, when everything is in your name & start all over with deposits, packing, etc... don't make it so easy, no matter what, cause that just lets all this continue. Nothing changes, if nothing changes. Start living in your apartment, like the head of the household, with everything in your name, sounds like you already are. No one wants to be alone, or raise a family w/o a dad, but what will happen if this continues... I know when I decided, that I couldn't live like this anymore, solutions start. Start doing something special for your child, I don't know, make it a sundae family night... Of course just your favorite & your child's favorite flavor 8

GiveLove

Biocat,

You're in a situation where you're being victimized. You deserve better for yourself, and your child deserves better than to grow up in a household like the one you're asking him to live in.

My story is much like hello-kitty's. I set some boundaries for myself, which, as a refresher, are not "You are not allowed to..." but instead are "If you do X, I will have no choice but to do Y, to protect myself and the baby." VERY big difference.

But your A is threatening you. You are locked in a cage, and you've given him the key.

Here is one thing I'd suggest: Contact your local women's shelter organization. Many of the women who turn to those groups for help do so because they tried to make a change in their life for the better and their abusive partner decided to make their lives miserable. They have tools, strategies, resources, smart people, and a place to go in an emergency.

Also, I don't know if you attend local meetings of Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, but they can be the source of some really good ideas and help. An online forum is nice to have, but in-person meetings are what REALLY gives you the courage to change things for the better.

If you truly are tired of living like this ---- with a baby who deserves a REAL father, with a bully of an addict who has no intention of changing, with a life that is one big ball of stress that will start causing you medical problems soon if it hasn't already --- if you are truly tired of living like this, you need to decide that you deserve something better. I think you do, WE all think you do, seems that you (and your bf) are the only ones who think you deserve to live this way.

Protect yourself. Make a plan. Stop letting him cannibalize your life. You deserve to be truly happy.