tryingtofly

I was reading another post and didn't want to derail it. It was a daily reading from alanon and in it, it says "the problem isn't the alcoholic, it's me." That irks me everytime I read it somewhere. I get that what they're trying to say is that I can't fix the problem or the alcoholic, but I can fix me, but why do I need fixing? I'm not the one drinking, i'm not the one making stupid decisions. I'm not broken...am I? Why do *I* need fixing?
*confused*

LaTeeDa

Well, I don't know about you, but living with an alcoholic turned me in to someone I didn't like very much. Someone I didn't even recognize. I'm not sure I needed "fixing" so much as "reclaiming."

L

NYC17

I happen to agree with you tryingtofly. I guess the decision we make that is questionable is to stay with them, but I consider myself a pretty damn good person who was totally taken advantage of and emotional abused and it makes me angry.

BBD

I feel the same way you do NYC17~~~~I liked myself before I went into therapy and figured out I had to change the way I dealt with the addict. I thought I was being a great mom and it made me so angry to be told that I was codepentant and needed to work on that. I am~~~~~but its a challange. I'll get there...Smiles, Bonnie

NYC17

Yes, codependent I guess I am.

Shivaya

I have learned just in the last month, that I am an enabler, a CoDep. and I'm sure many other ones to come.

Now, I have heard the above terms a zillion times, but really never gave much thought to whether they applied to me.

I know for sure that I am a loving, kind, spiritual, joyous human being, and it just so happens that I behave in a certain manner that it not healthy for me.

So....I'm aware of it now, and I'm working on it. No shame, no guilt, just awareness and the desire to be the best that I can be for me, and for my family.

Shivaya

Shivaya

A pretty damn good person deserves a pretty damn good person, not someone who takes advantage of and emotionally abuses them.....

Shivaya

NYC17

Thank you Shivaya. I guess I'm just not entirely sure who the good people are anymore.

Barbara52

I can tell you what I learned since I've been in here.

I didn't see me as part of the problem or in need of fixing when I started down this road. As I saw it then, I had the misfortune to be married to an alcoholic, a man who had been unemployed for 2 years, and nothing I did was making him get a job or stop drinking. I had been doing all the right things, working to support our family, doing the chores around the house, etc. I hadn't done anything wrong yet I was a miserable vicitm of his alcoholism.

It wasn't long after I came in here that I began to see things differently. Yes, I wasn't responsible for his bad choices. BUT, and its a very big but, I was indeed responsible for my choices that led me to marry him in the first place despite the red flags that should have waved me off any relationship with him. I was indeed responsible for the multitude of instances where my actions, words, etc. enabled him to continue to behave as an alcoholic will behave. I was indeed responsible for my choice to stay in the marriage long after I realized I was being used by him and I was miserable. I ws indeed responsible for not wanting to admit that I made some very big mistakes. I was indeed in need of "fixing" in that I had my own issues that led me to my bad choices and behaviors.

It was not easy admitting to myself that the story of why my marriage was a mistake and why life was intolerable had more than the obvious side, his alcoholism. BUT, again another big but here, it was liberating to accept responsibility for those things I did own. It was liberating because it meant I was free to deal with myself as I really am and not as the poor little victim I intially wanted to see myself as. It was liberating because I am now more self aware, more at peace with myself, and am growing in ways I never would have grown if I hadn't been willing to begin the painful process of self examination, to allow the possibility that I wasn't just a victim of my AH.

I am not a victim. Never was. Never will be. I am an adult responsible for my own bad choices and my own recovery from my issues, whatever label is put on them.

tryingtofly

Barbara, I can see your point. You're right about us being responsible for the choices we've made and our own behaviours. I think I'm struggling because my husband is currently in AA and has made a lot of changes in his life. He's been sober now for 62 days, signed up for correspondence to finish his high school diploma, has been helping around the house, isn't hanging out with his 'drinking buddies' etc. I realize that 60 days isn't a long time, but "every journey of a 1000 miles starts with a single step" and he's taken those steps on his own without any pushing.
I guess what I'm trying to say is although I realize I need to work on my codependent tendencies, (not just with my husband, but with everyone) I don't see how fixing me is necessary. I could understand it if I needed to leave a bad situation, or realize the end of a relationship etc, but I don't.
Does this make any sense?

Barbara52

Well, if after careful and honest self examination and thought you decide you don't need or want to make any changes in your behaviors, thought processes or whatever, then that would be your outcome. There are no "rules" that say anyone has to change that I know of. As long as you are happy with yourself and your life, that is what counts. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, change somewhere would be something to consider.

Growing

I used to feel this way TryingTF. I resented the idea that I needed fixing...that I was part of "the problem". I knew I was a great person that was being taken advantage of by alcoholics.

I stopped going to alanon...moved closer to my home town...and for 2 yrs tried to rescue a relative...a recent widow with 2 toddlers...who had become involved with a man who was a emotional and physical abuser/narcissist. She called me everyday asking for me to help her because she felt like she was going insane...she refused any type of grief counseling...or any counseling...period...I had tremendous "survivors guilt"...why did this happen to her and not me?...her depression became my depression....I lost myself...I was confused and couldn't take care of me...One day I realized that I had lost all the serenity that I had gained for 10+ years in alanon...I realized that I had to go no-contact with this person who was not an addict/alcoholic---thats what made me feel like it was "o.k.".

I found SR and am slowly recovering. As much as it kills me...I have no contact with her. She needs professional help...which she refuses...and I am not a professional.

My point is...I came to realize that I do need to fix me. I am part of the problem. Because if I am not very cautious...I will harm all of my relationships with my codependency....IMHO...codependency is a relationship-disease.

katyk

Interesting discussion. The way I'm beginning to understand the nature of the illness of alcoholism and addiction is it makes the entire family sick, not just the individual who suffers. Many people feel comfortable with the term "codependent;" I don't... Sure, I may have some codependent tendencies at times, but that's a condition shared by, oh, most of humanity.

My husband was not sick when I met him, fell in love and married him. Things changed after we got married, and now he's an alcoholic and drug addict, and I've changed in response to living with him. Like many wives, I was trying to cope and didn't always respond in healthy ways. I had a good life, we had a good life, and I found it was lost to anxiety, fear and futile attempts to control a spiralling situation.

So, I need recovery, even though there's nothing wrong with me. I need help to survive this. In alanon, I'm starting to learn better attitudes and perspectives that give me the tools it takes to get through the day.

I don't know how anyone does it alone.

LaTeeDa

I believe the most profound thing I've learned is that someone else cannot make me happy. I had a belief (from growing up in a dysfunctional family, and from society in general) that finding that "right person" was the key to my happiness. I thought I had found him. For many years, we had a reasonably happy life. Then his behavior began to deteriorate as the drinking took hold of him. My "happily ever after" was falling apart. I thought if he would only come to his senses and start behaving the way I wanted him to, my life would be good again. What I learned is that I cannot pin my hopes and dreams on another person. People are flawed, imperfect, and subject to change. Counting on another imperfect human being to make my life "right" was a mistake, and it wasn't fair to him to expect him to make me happy. I was one of those who thought if only my husband would sober up, life would be grand. Well, life decided to teach me a lesson. He sobered up, and it still wasn't grand. I still had many of the same problems with his behavior as I had when he was drinking. I learned that I am also a flawed, imperfect, subject to change human. But, I have the power to change the things I don't like about myself. I don't have that power over him or anyone else.

At first I resented the idea that I should have to go through the pain and discomfort of self examination. Now, I am grateful beyond measure that I did it. I didn't really know who I was when my life revolved around him and getting him sober. I've since discovered who I am and I'm a pretty special person--with or without someone else in my life.

L

denny57

I would say a very special person.

hope2bhappy

I think this statement is telling us the importance of putting the focus on ourselves, instead of on the behaviors of the alcoholic. Therein lies the secret to serenity. Do I agree with this statement as it is written above? No, not really. But I agree with its intended meaning.

petdon

Thank you for this post. I am struggling now withe person I am. My husband left two half years ago. He lives with ow. He is a high functioning alcoholic. I feel like the crazy one. This post is helpful because I am just starting to realize that my personality was at time passive aggressive and I am feeling very guilty about the way I handled the last year with him. I hated the sound of the pop of the beer can and everytime I heard it I would get nervous. I turned into a neurotic person. I worried obsessively about everything my children him etc. I wish I was the person I am now I wonder if things would have been different. My husband provoked me constantly with his mood swings now I now there was ow at work. I was hoping you could continue this discussion about how living in the with the alcoholic changes the wifes personality and how we find ourselves again. I know I could never be the person I was was but I have tremendous guilt that I acted the way I did. Thank you:praying

49er_fan

Are you happy? Really, are you happy?

If not, then you ARE broken. You DO need fixing. The book tells you to focus on you, because you are the only person who is truly going to make you happy. Not necessarily in the short term, but certainly in the long term. It's a leap of faith they're asking you to make. A leap of faith that many on this board have taken and you can see the results.

Think about this, if your happiness depends on your spouse getting better, your spouse has, and will always have, complete control over you. When your spouse relapses (which is very common with alcoholics), your happiness suddenly disappears.

If you control your own happiness by focusing on yourself and your needs, when that relapse occurs, you aren't taken down. You have all of those good things you have been working on to hold you up in the midst of their crisis. You are better able to deal with the insanity of the situation. Someone said it well, that it's not so much "fixing" as "reclaiming".

denny57

((petdon))

Perhaps you could start a separate post for your question so it doesn't get lost here.

I know now that even if I had behaved differently in my marriage, things would not have been different, because my husband did not want to change - in other words he did not want to stop drinking or, frankly, being a jerk. My behavior did not cause him to drink.

Today I am grateful for the "ow." I have my life back and I'm happy.

Al Anon and individual therapy helped me enormously - are you doing either or both?

Lilyflower

Yes I agree, but have you noticed that most of humanity are miserable people who are searching aimlessly for happiness only to have a list of things, events and people to blame for why there life is the way it is?

I have been in deep depression before I met xabf. now I know that I was stuck in that mind set because of ME. I spent so much time believing that other people had bad attitudes, its not fair that wages are so low it means I can't afford this that and the other, I'm too nice and I get taken advantage of, anger, frustration, disappointment, why, why, why, me, me, me.

Taking full responsibility of my life, why things are the way they are and learning how to either deal with it or move on from it are big steps to happiness for me. IMHO the world would be a much happier place if everyone addressed their codependancy and stopped laying blame at everyone else's feet.

Lily xxxxxxxxx