Whats different?? (Pretty long)
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Whats different?? (Pretty long)
A whole lot.
I have been doing alot of thinking the past couple days.
And I have my music back so that really makes me think.
What I have been thinking is what I have done differently this time. Because all last year I struggled and failed terribly at recovery.
Honestly I wasnt ready to give up my drugs. Nor was I ready to make in depth changes as far as thinking, personality and attitude.
My problem last year was I knew I wanted to quit using. But not really. I wasnt making the changes I really needed. My behavior is a big one.
My heart was still bad. My intentions werent good.
I thought if I stopped for a short period of time I could get high again. Try and regulate my use. Then it got to where I really didnt care. Which got me into the craziness of what happened in May. Taking money from the safe at work and then making a very serious attempt on my own life.
Most of all. The way I treated my family.
I swear I thought I was never coming back from that.
So this time. I have noticed that I am nicer to everyone I meet. I am more tolerant of everything. When usually before I am confrontational for the sake of being confrontational. Always having to prove myself regardless. Always on the defensive.
I still have my days. But I defuse that real quick.
I notice I dont have that criminal mentality anymore. I dont want to be dishonest or cheat anyone in anyway. I have not kept more than 20 or 30 dollars from my checks since I started back work almost 2 mos ago. And I could care less. Because before I was hording for drugs. God forbid we pay a bill. Yea who needs lights and gas in the car. As long as that pipe is full.
Ridiculous.
I really dont know where I am going with this.
I just feel good. I see alot of changes in a couple months. And I know the difference is my willingness and effort.
And like my friend from Florida just wrote me in a letter. It takes more than just stop using.
That coming from someone who met me out there and has never done a drug in his life.
I guess I am just so freakin grateful that I did make it back to try again and make every moment I have with my grams while I can.
I also remember this girl that I know from using. She was crying hysterically one day saying how her mother died last year and then she just started making no sense. But I see this girl just looking so lost and alone. She uses opiates and crack and who knows what else. Just seeing her nodding out where ever her ass lands is very sad. Barely staying up trying to walk down the street. I wonder. Is that going to be me when my grams dies?
I dont want that.
I use to say to myself in the dark moments of my using. That when my grams dies I am going to go lay on her grave and end my life. And they can just roll me into my plot next to hers. Thats sick.
Anyway..I can just see and feel everything so so so differently. And even though I am very nervous about being alone next week. I think I am going to make it. I want to more than anything. If I can make it with all that alone time. You just dont know how much that will tell me.
Ok I am done. Sorry.
Thanks for reading.
I have been doing alot of thinking the past couple days.
And I have my music back so that really makes me think.
What I have been thinking is what I have done differently this time. Because all last year I struggled and failed terribly at recovery.
Honestly I wasnt ready to give up my drugs. Nor was I ready to make in depth changes as far as thinking, personality and attitude.
My problem last year was I knew I wanted to quit using. But not really. I wasnt making the changes I really needed. My behavior is a big one.
My heart was still bad. My intentions werent good.
I thought if I stopped for a short period of time I could get high again. Try and regulate my use. Then it got to where I really didnt care. Which got me into the craziness of what happened in May. Taking money from the safe at work and then making a very serious attempt on my own life.
Most of all. The way I treated my family.
I swear I thought I was never coming back from that.
So this time. I have noticed that I am nicer to everyone I meet. I am more tolerant of everything. When usually before I am confrontational for the sake of being confrontational. Always having to prove myself regardless. Always on the defensive.
I still have my days. But I defuse that real quick.
I notice I dont have that criminal mentality anymore. I dont want to be dishonest or cheat anyone in anyway. I have not kept more than 20 or 30 dollars from my checks since I started back work almost 2 mos ago. And I could care less. Because before I was hording for drugs. God forbid we pay a bill. Yea who needs lights and gas in the car. As long as that pipe is full.
Ridiculous.
I really dont know where I am going with this.
I just feel good. I see alot of changes in a couple months. And I know the difference is my willingness and effort.
And like my friend from Florida just wrote me in a letter. It takes more than just stop using.
That coming from someone who met me out there and has never done a drug in his life.
I guess I am just so freakin grateful that I did make it back to try again and make every moment I have with my grams while I can.
I also remember this girl that I know from using. She was crying hysterically one day saying how her mother died last year and then she just started making no sense. But I see this girl just looking so lost and alone. She uses opiates and crack and who knows what else. Just seeing her nodding out where ever her ass lands is very sad. Barely staying up trying to walk down the street. I wonder. Is that going to be me when my grams dies?
I dont want that.
I use to say to myself in the dark moments of my using. That when my grams dies I am going to go lay on her grave and end my life. And they can just roll me into my plot next to hers. Thats sick.
Anyway..I can just see and feel everything so so so differently. And even though I am very nervous about being alone next week. I think I am going to make it. I want to more than anything. If I can make it with all that alone time. You just dont know how much that will tell me.
Ok I am done. Sorry.
Thanks for reading.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
We're alcoholics and drug addicts with thinking problems.
Once we eliminate the substance, we work on our thought process 24 hours at a time.
We have to clean out our closets get rid of the things buried there that, caused us to want to drink and use.
Drinking and drugging was used to numb our feelings or suppress the dark secrets .
Channel your thoughts into positive thinking. What are your desires that you seek? What goals do you wish to obtain?
You are on the right track
Once we eliminate the substance, we work on our thought process 24 hours at a time.
We have to clean out our closets get rid of the things buried there that, caused us to want to drink and use.
Drinking and drugging was used to numb our feelings or suppress the dark secrets .
Channel your thoughts into positive thinking. What are your desires that you seek? What goals do you wish to obtain?
You are on the right track
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
Chiy
God bless you my friend.
You have no idea how far you have come.
losts of similarities in our road to recovery as far as past behavior is concerned.
It sounds to me like you are doing great. I am so proud of you!!!!!!!
Really..........pat yourself on the back young lady, you have come a long way.
Not much more to say except that your doing great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hugs,
B
God bless you my friend.
You have no idea how far you have come.
losts of similarities in our road to recovery as far as past behavior is concerned.
It sounds to me like you are doing great. I am so proud of you!!!!!!!
Really..........pat yourself on the back young lady, you have come a long way.
Not much more to say except that your doing great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hugs,
B
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
Originally Posted by chiynita 
I can just see and feel everything so so so differently. And even though I am very nervous about being alone next week. I think I am going to make it. I want to more than anything.
Thank you so much for taking the time to put your thoughts & feelings together. I have been reading your posts - your successes, your challenges & all the incredibly hard work you have done. The growth is so apparent & encouraging. I believe you are going to make it.
Take good care of yourself. And as stated in the previous post, pat yourself on the back - for what you have accomplished and for helping others here at SR.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
If my rambling posts can give just one person a glimmer of hope. That would be the best.
I am very honest with everything I say. Whether wrong or right. If I cant be completely honest with myself. I am only fooling myself.
I really cant even put into words what crack has done to my life. How hopeless it seems to try and stop using it. It feels like a life sentence sometimes.
But I now know with an open mind, acceptance and willingness.
IT IS POSSIBLE TO STOP.
I have seen it done.
And for now I am living the great gift of recovery.
I never in a million years thought I could be where I am right now. Stopping the use to me has been the easy part.
It has been the learning and dealing with life on life's terms without it that has been the challenge. Also the changes that need to made not just in the action of using. But in everything you do. Thinking, acting, attitude, behavior, outlook. It all plays a part in the road to recovery. Changing me inside after being a certain way for so long has been the hardest part.
I am doing it and it is really really hard some days. But I know when I lay my head on that pillow at night. I made it another day and tomorrow is a new day to experience something new in life. And it is the simplest things that me think how wonderful and lucky my life is. I really and truely am blessed.
I am just all sentimental and crap lately. My family is just so freakin proud of me too. And to see my grams happy and not worrying all the time is something I have wanted for so long. And let me tell you even kids know when things are going good. They may not know exactly what is going on but they can tell when something isnt right. I have never gotten so many hugs from my little cousins as I have the past 2 months. And the one boy who is 6 is one who never really gave me hugs before. Now he does all the time. And he is like my little shadow. I love it.
Why would I want to miss out on things like that? What was I thinking?
This summer is going to be awesome. Money to go do things. Not holing up inside bugged out acting crazy while everyone else is outside enjoying the moment.
Life is good people.
And if any newcomers read this.
As hopeless as things might be or seem.
With hard work and determination. It can happen for you.
If this spoiled brat can do it. Anyone can.
I love all of you here at SR..You just have no idea how much all of you have helped me. Kicked me in the butt when I was acting a fool. I appreciate that.
I am very honest with everything I say. Whether wrong or right. If I cant be completely honest with myself. I am only fooling myself.
I really cant even put into words what crack has done to my life. How hopeless it seems to try and stop using it. It feels like a life sentence sometimes.
But I now know with an open mind, acceptance and willingness.
IT IS POSSIBLE TO STOP.
I have seen it done.
And for now I am living the great gift of recovery.
I never in a million years thought I could be where I am right now. Stopping the use to me has been the easy part.
It has been the learning and dealing with life on life's terms without it that has been the challenge. Also the changes that need to made not just in the action of using. But in everything you do. Thinking, acting, attitude, behavior, outlook. It all plays a part in the road to recovery. Changing me inside after being a certain way for so long has been the hardest part.
I am doing it and it is really really hard some days. But I know when I lay my head on that pillow at night. I made it another day and tomorrow is a new day to experience something new in life. And it is the simplest things that me think how wonderful and lucky my life is. I really and truely am blessed.
I am just all sentimental and crap lately. My family is just so freakin proud of me too. And to see my grams happy and not worrying all the time is something I have wanted for so long. And let me tell you even kids know when things are going good. They may not know exactly what is going on but they can tell when something isnt right. I have never gotten so many hugs from my little cousins as I have the past 2 months. And the one boy who is 6 is one who never really gave me hugs before. Now he does all the time. And he is like my little shadow. I love it.
Why would I want to miss out on things like that? What was I thinking?
This summer is going to be awesome. Money to go do things. Not holing up inside bugged out acting crazy while everyone else is outside enjoying the moment.
Life is good people.
And if any newcomers read this.
As hopeless as things might be or seem.
With hard work and determination. It can happen for you.
If this spoiled brat can do it. Anyone can.
I love all of you here at SR..You just have no idea how much all of you have helped me. Kicked me in the butt when I was acting a fool. I appreciate that.
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Old Home Terra
Posts: 4,272
Chiynita, this is huge!!! *HUGS*
That "light at the end of the tunnel"? ... It isn't an oncoming train...
Its love...
And you're just *starting* to see and feel it!!! ... The miracle is happening for you!!!
Keep moving towards the light... Feel it engulf you... Feel its warmth... See how it illuminates everything...
This is huge.
You are not alone!
That "light at the end of the tunnel"? ... It isn't an oncoming train...
Its love...
And you're just *starting* to see and feel it!!! ... The miracle is happening for you!!!
Keep moving towards the light... Feel it engulf you... Feel its warmth... See how it illuminates everything...
This is huge.
You are not alone!
member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
Hi Chiynita
So this means you've changed. I firmly believe that we're all changing, all the time, but it's so subtle it might take us a while to catch on - and it's not always for the better. Sometimes you just have to sit on it, wait patiently as you slowly move in one direction. Travelling without moving Just keep yourself receptive to it.
So this means you've changed. I firmly believe that we're all changing, all the time, but it's so subtle it might take us a while to catch on - and it's not always for the better. Sometimes you just have to sit on it, wait patiently as you slowly move in one direction. Travelling without moving
Just keep yourself receptive to it.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I never said I have changed. Making changes really. And the only way I see it not for the better is using and not making an effort to change. Little things turn into big things in the long run.
I believe I am always going to wonder if I can get high just this once. But by changing my thoughts and behaviors. I dont have to see if I can or not.
When a person like me goes from hanging out in the streets 24/7 doing nothing but everything possible to kill myself. To even just something as simple as paying a bill. Dealing with stress no matter how uncomfortable it may be. And I could easily go get high and say screw it all.
Then yes...I can say 'Changes' are happening. Most definately for the better.
But thats just me.
I believe I am always going to wonder if I can get high just this once. But by changing my thoughts and behaviors. I dont have to see if I can or not.
When a person like me goes from hanging out in the streets 24/7 doing nothing but everything possible to kill myself. To even just something as simple as paying a bill. Dealing with stress no matter how uncomfortable it may be. And I could easily go get high and say screw it all.
Then yes...I can say 'Changes' are happening. Most definately for the better.
But thats just me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Recovery
Posts: 3,229
It is a beautiful thing watching the miracle unfold as you grow. I can tell in your posts that you are learning, growing, discovering, and recovering. I read all of your posts with great enthusiasm. I learn a lot from you. As you grow, I grow.
I'm glad you are here Trish. I believe you are going to make it! You have so many gifts and now that you are sober, the world is going to get to see them but most importantly, you will get to see them and live them.
I'm glad you are here Trish. I believe you are going to make it! You have so many gifts and now that you are sober, the world is going to get to see them but most importantly, you will get to see them and live them.
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