Warning to those with little time, this is a fairly long post...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Venice
Posts: 1
Warning to those with little time, this is a fairly long post...
Right now, I am a pothead. I write professionally, so there is ample time for me to smoke. I've gotten it down, it's very efficient. To the right of me sits a vaporizer, which is more or less a style-less hookah -- it delivers hits every time I want them.
I've drifted in and out of heavy pot use for -- if I really try and lift the haze, I'd say it's been ten years... the longest period of sobriety within this period being 6-9 months-- I don't really remember...
I'm stoned right now.
I have a powerful rationale for continuing to smoke. It augments my creativity. After a period of sobriety, I will smoke, and see my work in a totally new light. Insights will materialize out of the ether. It's completely orgasmic. More often than not however, I will smoke more, and that will lead to a pattern of diminishing returns that eventually burns me out on it. These periods of use can last anywhere from weeks to months. I am goal oriented, and on the precipice of the career of my dreams, which means that I must now marshall all strength to become as pure as possible. I feel like ultimately weed gets in the way of that.
Duh. I understand weed's game, but I still play it.
I'm a person of fairly low energy. I attribute this to, at an early age, not being able to really tune in to who I was, or what was beneficial or not beneficial to me. This, coupled with a low self esteem naturally led me to drug use. Over the years, I have learned to recognize my patterns, out some of them, and evolve in kind. I feel like a complex set of preconditions must be met for me to feel great, and firing on all cylinders. But more often than not, I don't feel like that, and I start gravitating toward the familiar and the comfortable -- maybe because of grandiose expectations from sobriety that never really paid off. I have, in one way or another, dedicated my adult life to finding the energy to attain my dream -- and with this, achieving a state where I have so much natural power that I have no use for the supplemental force of drugs. I've been into Kabbalah, Kundalini Yoga, Reiki, Eating from the health food store, you name it... but most things I have tried didn't really change my energy level... there was still a crack within me, a pocket of ego and selfishness that I caulked repeatedly with weed.
I am scared to death about leaving my "insight generator" behind... especially now that I feel I'm in such a crucial position in my career..
Am I in danger of winding up penniless with some drug dealer's knife to my throat? I don't think so. But I think repeated use will ultimately steal my dreams from me. I believe, to be worthy of attaining your desire, you have to be pure, and you have to give. My life is not currently wired for selflessness however... I fluctuate from seeming spiritual awareness and company to feeling completely bereft. I'm also scared of karma. Sometimes I feel great, totally unhinged from it's shores. Sometimes I feel like I'm really walking a tightrope between doing the right thing and ruining everything, and sometimes I feel totally in arrears with whatever force co-creates our desires with us, and sure that I've blown it.
I don't know why I posted here, and I don't know what I'm expecting, maybe some kind of catharsis, maybe the physical reminder that I wrote this will serve as some sort of wake up call... In closing, all can say is that for those of you who have read-- thanks for reading...
I've drifted in and out of heavy pot use for -- if I really try and lift the haze, I'd say it's been ten years... the longest period of sobriety within this period being 6-9 months-- I don't really remember...
I'm stoned right now.
I have a powerful rationale for continuing to smoke. It augments my creativity. After a period of sobriety, I will smoke, and see my work in a totally new light. Insights will materialize out of the ether. It's completely orgasmic. More often than not however, I will smoke more, and that will lead to a pattern of diminishing returns that eventually burns me out on it. These periods of use can last anywhere from weeks to months. I am goal oriented, and on the precipice of the career of my dreams, which means that I must now marshall all strength to become as pure as possible. I feel like ultimately weed gets in the way of that.
Duh. I understand weed's game, but I still play it.
I'm a person of fairly low energy. I attribute this to, at an early age, not being able to really tune in to who I was, or what was beneficial or not beneficial to me. This, coupled with a low self esteem naturally led me to drug use. Over the years, I have learned to recognize my patterns, out some of them, and evolve in kind. I feel like a complex set of preconditions must be met for me to feel great, and firing on all cylinders. But more often than not, I don't feel like that, and I start gravitating toward the familiar and the comfortable -- maybe because of grandiose expectations from sobriety that never really paid off. I have, in one way or another, dedicated my adult life to finding the energy to attain my dream -- and with this, achieving a state where I have so much natural power that I have no use for the supplemental force of drugs. I've been into Kabbalah, Kundalini Yoga, Reiki, Eating from the health food store, you name it... but most things I have tried didn't really change my energy level... there was still a crack within me, a pocket of ego and selfishness that I caulked repeatedly with weed.
I am scared to death about leaving my "insight generator" behind... especially now that I feel I'm in such a crucial position in my career..
Am I in danger of winding up penniless with some drug dealer's knife to my throat? I don't think so. But I think repeated use will ultimately steal my dreams from me. I believe, to be worthy of attaining your desire, you have to be pure, and you have to give. My life is not currently wired for selflessness however... I fluctuate from seeming spiritual awareness and company to feeling completely bereft. I'm also scared of karma. Sometimes I feel great, totally unhinged from it's shores. Sometimes I feel like I'm really walking a tightrope between doing the right thing and ruining everything, and sometimes I feel totally in arrears with whatever force co-creates our desires with us, and sure that I've blown it.
I don't know why I posted here, and I don't know what I'm expecting, maybe some kind of catharsis, maybe the physical reminder that I wrote this will serve as some sort of wake up call... In closing, all can say is that for those of you who have read-- thanks for reading...
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Old Home Terra
Posts: 4,272
Thanks for posting, Rolo, and welcome to SR!
It sounds to me like you already know what you need to do...
The creativity is within you whether you're stoned or not. Remember the story of "Dumbo" and his feather? The weed is a crutch you've come to rely on. Your writing will be far better once you get it flushed out of your system and accustomed to not using the crutch.
Your motivation may come back... Your short-term memory will improve (which can only HELP you write)... You will see things with a new clarity.
Considering your many years of use, there's something else you might try... When you sit down to write, spend a minute *imagining* that you're stoned. *Pretend* you just fired up a bowl. Put your head into that "special frame of mind" that helps you write... That way, you reap the benefits you believe you get from smoking without actually smoking. As many years of experience you have, it shouldn't be too difficult for you.
It sounds to me like you already know what you need to do... So what's stopping you?
It sounds to me like you already know what you need to do...
The creativity is within you whether you're stoned or not. Remember the story of "Dumbo" and his feather? The weed is a crutch you've come to rely on. Your writing will be far better once you get it flushed out of your system and accustomed to not using the crutch.
Your motivation may come back... Your short-term memory will improve (which can only HELP you write)... You will see things with a new clarity.
Considering your many years of use, there's something else you might try... When you sit down to write, spend a minute *imagining* that you're stoned. *Pretend* you just fired up a bowl. Put your head into that "special frame of mind" that helps you write... That way, you reap the benefits you believe you get from smoking without actually smoking. As many years of experience you have, it shouldn't be too difficult for you.
It sounds to me like you already know what you need to do... So what's stopping you?
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Hi Rolo, Welcome to SR..I was a pothead in the sixties but a few years ago I picked it up again for medicinal purposes....this time because my brain chemistry had changed in the intervining years, I became addicted..and couldn't put it down....I remember telling myself that weed enhanced my spiritual experiences and therefore it was all good......In my experience...Weed is a depressant and dismantles my brain...period I like my brain, strong and clear.....Good luck with this, Rolo.....
Recovering Alcoholic/Addict
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Sarasota, FL
Posts: 102
Hi Rolo and welcome to SR.
I also smoked pot from the time I was 16 until the day I quit drinking a few months ago (I'm 53 now, so it was a long time)...I decided if I'm gonna be sober that meant completely sober.
Like you, I also used to credit the dope high with some of my more creative ideas. I also thought beer helped me sleep, not be stressed, etc. etc.
Trust me on this one...the creativity comes from you and you alone. The pot does not magically "unlock" it. That's the kind of stuff that people who are addicted to substances run through their heads to justify using.
It sounds like you know that, or at least sense it. You also seem to realize the other more negative effects on all the other aspects of your life.
Hang around the forums...read and post. You will see a lot of people share the same concerns and issues.
Hang in there!
I also smoked pot from the time I was 16 until the day I quit drinking a few months ago (I'm 53 now, so it was a long time)...I decided if I'm gonna be sober that meant completely sober.
Like you, I also used to credit the dope high with some of my more creative ideas. I also thought beer helped me sleep, not be stressed, etc. etc.
Trust me on this one...the creativity comes from you and you alone. The pot does not magically "unlock" it. That's the kind of stuff that people who are addicted to substances run through their heads to justify using.
It sounds like you know that, or at least sense it. You also seem to realize the other more negative effects on all the other aspects of your life.
Hang around the forums...read and post. You will see a lot of people share the same concerns and issues.
Hang in there!
Spiritual Being
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Louisville
Posts: 138
Rolo, I understand what you're saying. I started smoking weed when I was 13 and quit when I was 23. Initially it was for recreation. As I grew up I used it more to augment my perception of reality. Marijuana also provided the positive effect of alleviating my depression. It created wonder similar to how I felt as a child. As a child you can get excited about balloon animals and GI Joe figures. After a certain point toys are no longer fun. I didn't necessarily play with toys when I was stoned but you know what I mean.
After using habitually for those years I grew weary of the effects. As I had to start taking more responsibility, weed started having greater negative effects on me. I became paranoid, socially withdrawn, and exacerbated depression.
I guess only you can realize the course you need to take with your marijuana use. In my opinion, it's not a bad thing to remained stoned if you can function normally. I've found that if a person is naturally competent and intelligent weed won't make you end up living in a cardboard box.
Smoking can give you amazing ideas and cause you to have grandiose revelations but after using for an extended period those returns start to diminish. Your stoned world will become your only reality thus removing its novelty. In the past 3-4 years I've smoked weed maybe ten times. I'd say 70% of the time I used to alleviate opiate withdrawal symptoms and to stimulate my appetite. Only a few times did I smoke for recreation.
I don't right professionally but would like to. I've been writing since I middle school. I have stacks of notebooks filled with short stories and journal entries. I once had that same fear that if I quite smoking I would lose my creative edge. I can assure you that I didn't. In fact, I think of even crazier **** now than when I did when I toking. Keep posting on here man, I'll listen to you. Try reading what you posted once your straight tomorrow. Have a good morning bro.
"Everything about you pains my envying. Your soul can't hate anything. Everything about you is so easy to love. Give me all the peace and joy in your mind. I want all the peace and joy in your mind."
After using habitually for those years I grew weary of the effects. As I had to start taking more responsibility, weed started having greater negative effects on me. I became paranoid, socially withdrawn, and exacerbated depression.
I guess only you can realize the course you need to take with your marijuana use. In my opinion, it's not a bad thing to remained stoned if you can function normally. I've found that if a person is naturally competent and intelligent weed won't make you end up living in a cardboard box.
Smoking can give you amazing ideas and cause you to have grandiose revelations but after using for an extended period those returns start to diminish. Your stoned world will become your only reality thus removing its novelty. In the past 3-4 years I've smoked weed maybe ten times. I'd say 70% of the time I used to alleviate opiate withdrawal symptoms and to stimulate my appetite. Only a few times did I smoke for recreation.
I don't right professionally but would like to. I've been writing since I middle school. I have stacks of notebooks filled with short stories and journal entries. I once had that same fear that if I quite smoking I would lose my creative edge. I can assure you that I didn't. In fact, I think of even crazier **** now than when I did when I toking. Keep posting on here man, I'll listen to you. Try reading what you posted once your straight tomorrow. Have a good morning bro.
"Everything about you pains my envying. Your soul can't hate anything. Everything about you is so easy to love. Give me all the peace and joy in your mind. I want all the peace and joy in your mind."
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
With out guessing your age, I smoked my share of grass, I popped my share of pills, drank enough alcohol to fill up the oceans and p'd it all out again.
Trying to search for the right words to type here.
I no longer have a need to fill a void in my life by altering the way I feel. I no longer wish, to change my thought process either.
The days I have left on this 3rd rock from the sun are now shorter then, the ones I've lived.
I want to live out the remainder of my life with a clear head that will allow me to have pleasant memories of my past.
There are plenty of ways to achieve a high without adding anything to your body. Try sky diving, bungee jumping climbing mountains.
Don't burn out the precious brain cells that you were blessed with.
A true high is exploring one's mind and developing it to it's full potential by exercising it
Trying to search for the right words to type here.
I no longer have a need to fill a void in my life by altering the way I feel. I no longer wish, to change my thought process either.
The days I have left on this 3rd rock from the sun are now shorter then, the ones I've lived.
I want to live out the remainder of my life with a clear head that will allow me to have pleasant memories of my past.
There are plenty of ways to achieve a high without adding anything to your body. Try sky diving, bungee jumping climbing mountains.
Don't burn out the precious brain cells that you were blessed with.
A true high is exploring one's mind and developing it to it's full potential by exercising it
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Old Home Terra
Posts: 4,272
Well said, Zing! 
"Journey To The Center Of The Mind" By The Amboy Dukes
Leave your cares behind
Come with us and find
The pleasures of a journey to the center of the mind
Come along if you care
Come along if you dare
Take a ride to the land inside of your mind
Beyond the seas of thought
Beyone the realm of what
Across the streams of hopes and dreams where things are really not
Come along if you care
Come along if you dare
Take a ride to the land inside of your mind
But please realise
You'll probably be surprised
For it's the land unknown to man
Where fantasy is fact
So if you can, please understand
You might not come back
Come along if you care
Come along if you dare
Take a ride to the land inside and you'll see
How happy life could be
If all of mankind
Would take the time to journey to the center of the mind
Would take the time to journey to the center of the mind
Center of the mind
Journey To The Center Of The Mind
"Journey To The Center Of The Mind" By The Amboy Dukes
Leave your cares behind
Come with us and find
The pleasures of a journey to the center of the mind
Come along if you care
Come along if you dare
Take a ride to the land inside of your mind
Beyond the seas of thought
Beyone the realm of what
Across the streams of hopes and dreams where things are really not
Come along if you care
Come along if you dare
Take a ride to the land inside of your mind
But please realise
You'll probably be surprised
For it's the land unknown to man
Where fantasy is fact
So if you can, please understand
You might not come back
Come along if you care
Come along if you dare
Take a ride to the land inside and you'll see
How happy life could be
If all of mankind
Would take the time to journey to the center of the mind
Would take the time to journey to the center of the mind
Center of the mind
Journey To The Center Of The Mind
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
I don't know why I posted here, and I don't know what I'm expecting, maybe some kind of catharsis, maybe the physical reminder that I wrote this will serve as some sort of wake up call... In closing, all can say is that for those of you who have read-- thanks for reading...
I'm a recovering alcoholic (28 years), and my husband was in recovery for 22 years when he passed away. Not surprisingly, all three of our children are addicted to one thing or another. Two of them are in recovery now, themselves. My 44-year-old daughter had a 20 year pot addiction, which started when she was 12. She has been a very active participant in NA for the past 12 years. Since she quit "drugging", she has gotten her GED, holds a very responsible, well-paying position, and has recently bought her first home. Oh...I don't think the latter would have happened, if her heroin addicted husband wasn't also in recovery for the past two years.
I'm very familiar with both sides of the coin...and, I wouldn't trade my life in recovery for any amount of money.
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