2many2count

I'm new to this forum and I'm trying to figure out where to start.
When I was 15 years old I started off smoking pot and then it turned into a cocaine addiction. I did so many bad things to my parents and myself. I hit my mother whom I love so much because she was taking my drug money and yelling at me when she knew I was high. After about a year totally consumed with cocaine my mother sent me to a treatment facilty for 90 days and I did very well there. When I was released I was scared to death. I stayed home alot and worked alot. I stopped hanging out with the old crowd and started making new friends. The sad part of this is that I never once attended a NA meeting. I still haven't. I became addicted to Xanax for panic attacks 6 years ago. I was taking the maximum prescribed dosage someone could take. I became pregnant and they stopped prescribing it for me. I went through the worst withdrawals and had flashbacks of cocaine withdrawals. I couldn't leave my home for three weeks. My husband had to do everything. I have been clean from cocaine for 16 years and I'm having that urge to use. Its at the pit of my stomach. I know it has alot to do with the fact there is so much stress in my life right now. I don't want to use again. I have 4 kids to take care of and to be quite honest for the first time in years I'm scared to death. I've talked to my husband who is an alcoholic and his response was...You wanna white cross! What the heck kind of response is that? I told him I wanted to go to a meeting since i've never been. I live in a one horse town with AA meetings and no NA Meetings. I really don't want to go and talk to alcoholics since they totally get on my nerves because my husband is one and a jerk at that.....but I'm willing to try anything at this point. The cravings get worse everyday that I breathe. Help from you guys would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
2many2count

justaround71

That must be tough living with an alcoholic who is offering you uppers to calm your nerves about coke. If you want those cravings to subside you deffinitly are going to need some support system, and if it has to be AA, so be it. You obviouslly aren't going to get any around the house unless help is a stimualnt drug. Would he even start to consider going to marriage counseling or some sort of family therapy? If he is activly drinking than probably not but nontheless you could give it a try. Get some support from some sober folk at meetings and hook up with a sponsor would be my suggestion. Just don't pick up again. I know how you felt with the Xanax, I was thrown on a benzodiazepine for over 5 years and suffered massive WD's. Check out some meetings if possible. I wish you the best of luck.

2stop

(((2many)))

You are going through so much right now, I will definitely be praying for you. I used to live in a town that only had AA and no NA, while I did have alcoholism-I related to NA because my DOC was narcotics. It still may help you to go, I like reading the AA Big Book, there's some really good stuff in it. I understand what you're saying about being around alcoholics because of all you've been through with your husband, but really I believe addiction is addiction, even though the identifying with people using your DOC is preferable on some levels. Do whatever you can not to let this disease take you down again!! You are too wonderful a person to have anymore trouble on your plate. Keep the faith and I will have you in my thoughts and prayers.


Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

2many2count

Thanks for your support. I'm having a hard time these days. But I know with the help of God I will conquer this. I have to. I just love you guys. You are always there when I need some advice/help/ or just to vent it out. Thanks again.


2many2count

wishIsedNO

i know what your going through im a recovering heroin addict i started when i was 16 im 22 now..my bf rite now used with me but has been clean off of dope for a year but hes been using xanax off and on for 8 months.. hes had horrible withdrawls and also had 3 seizures..i was with him when he had hes first i was so scared cause i never saw anyone have one before and i had no idea he was even taking anything..plus we were in the middle of the street thank god we were rite across the street to a precent..but i still have nitemares about that day..i thought he was gonna die..it didnt affect him cause he dont remember having them..anyways..im struggling everyday and not only with him but my dad is a drunk too..i relapsed last week and tonite and im afraid im going down the same road i went down so many times before but its new this time cause now i know what its like to be sober,,and see people trust u and treat u like a human being..when i was active people treated me like i was sum monster that could attack at any moment b/c of all the horrible things people hear about junkies..and i really dont wanna disappoint my mom shes going through enough with my dad..i just dont want her to be hurt..shes finally gaining weight and she smiles and laughs more then she use too when i was using she was always a nervous wreck..it was like she was waiting for me to die..i would disappear for nites on end i sold my moms tv and stero..ive done soo many things i wish i could take back..but i cant and i dont know why i still crave to use when i know it will only bring me and my mom heartache..its just an endless fight but for ourselves and everyone who loves us and depends on us we must keep on fighting..i hope u hang in there and everytime u wanna use look into your kids eyes and just think how you would hurt them if u became a addict again..

2many2count

wishIsedNO,
Thank you so much for sharing that with me. Yes it will always be a constant battle between me and cocaine. I do love my children more than anything else on earth as they are the ultimate reason I've continued to stay sober. I remember one night in particular...I was so strung out (and this was before I had children) and wishing that I wasn't . I cried and cried wanting it to stop inside me. It made me a monster. A paranoid monster. It wasn't long after that night that my mother got me into treatment. I've always heard once an addict always an addict but it needs to be clarified....Once an addict, always an addict but not always a user.

I like your name because it fits the way I feel today. If only I had said no I wouldn't be feeling this gut wrenching want or need in the pit of my stomach.

Sending you HUGE HUGS through recovery.
I hope you take care of yourself and remember that I'm saying a prayer for you.

Your friend in recovery,
2many