lak

Hi, I'm new here.

I'm here out of concern for my brother.
To give you a bit of background, my brother had problems with drugs and alcohol almost since I can remember. When he was drinking and taking cocaine he was a horrible person to be around. He was rude, abusive, aggresive, he lied and stole from the family, trashed my mum's house and just generally made my mum's life hell.

About four and a half years ago he quit drinking and coke after narrowly escaping prison. When he stopped drinking I got to know my real brother, and my mum got to know her real son; a sweet, considerate, funny and gentle man.
He has been seeing a therapist the whole time but I don't think he was ever diagnosed as an alcholic as such.

Last summer he started drinking again. He talked over it with his therapist for a long time before and seemed to be taking sensible steps.
The first couple of months were fine. He drank very little, less than most recreational drinkers, and seemed to hate getting drunk/getting hangovers.

Alarm bells started ringing before Christmas though when he phoned me accidentally when trying to get more alcohol at 2am on a weeknight.

Today I heard from my sister that he is not only drinking heavily, including in the day, but is also taking "stuff" again (I can only assume the stuff is cocaine). He's not worked since before Christmas and I am certain this is due to alcohol.

I am so scared and worried about him, and worried about what this could do to my mum. I am not close to my brother, I live in a different city to the rest of my family and never talk to him on the phone. I feel I need to do something but I don't know what. I am thinking of going down there to talk to him, but I doubt it will do much good. I remember what he was like before, how defensive and aggresive he would get. I'm not a strong person, I have my own mental health problems, and I am really struggling to cope with what is happening with him.

If anyone has any advice, either on how to approach him and the situation, on how I could cope better I would greatly appreciate it.

(sorry this post is so lengthy, I actually left a lot out)

Barbara52

Welcome! I'm sorry you are being caught up in your brother's addictions.

There really isn't much you or anyone else can do. Your brother is well aware of his addictions from what you've said. Only he can decide to get and stay sober and clean. Talking to him about it isn't going to do much good. I'm reasonably sure its not going to be anything he hasn't heard already.

You can work to protect yourself form the effects of his drinking. Perhaps try AlAnon. Perhaps sugesst it to your mother. You can both learn how to handle yourselves to that you don't get too deep into his madness.

lak

Thanks for the quick reply,

You kind of said what I feared would be said. I've not had any involvement with things relating to addiction before, is it really the general view that family/loved ones can't do anything to help? I guess I am viewing it from experience of mental health problems, where support and talking was vital. I also suspect that his drinking/drug-taking is related to an under-lying depression (that was there whether sober or not).

I know in the past talking didn't help, but I thought that as he isn't as deep in this time, a wake-up call could help him accept what is happening.

I looked up about al-anon today. They have a meeting near me (next one in 6 days). I'm unsure if it would be appropriate for me as I don't have to live with his addictions or the consequences of them in a direct way (I rarely see him).

My concern is more for my mum. I don't think she could cope with this happening again. She's still getting over my mental health problems.

My biggest fear is that he will lose his house (he has a mortgage) due to not working enough (he's self-employed) and he'll move back to my mum's and ruin her life all over again.

At the moment she is not aware of everything. She knows he is drinking too much, but she doesn't know he's doing it in the day or taking drugs. He's also lied to her about why he's not working. I only found out the full scope today, from my sister who found out yesterday after seeing him drunk and high and getting into fights.

Spiritual Seeker

Unfortunately we are powerless over other's addictions.
Last time his wake-up call was " narrowly escaping prison "
Who knows where his bottom will be now.
Sometimes family interventions do work to get someone to go into treatment.
I know how hard it is as a family member to watch him self-destruct once again.
If only love were the answer. Take care of yourself and get the support you need.

Kindeyes

The best thing you can do for you, your mother and your brother is to take care of yourself. Alanon is open to anyone who is dealing with an alcoholic in their life. If you are here, he is affecting you.....that's the only qualification for going to alnon. Alcoholics cause problems for all family members. If you are worried about how he's impacting your mother, it affects you. The entire family dynamic begins to revolve around the alcoholic. It's a terrible disease. stick around here. There's lots of support and wise words from people who have been dealing with this disease for a long long time. You have come to a place of comfort and support.

gentle hugs

BohemiMamaof3

I'm so sorry for what you're going thru. I can echo what the others have said. My Mom took my alcoholic & drug addicted brother in many times, only to be hurt and disappointed each time. She finally quit doing it as we read the al-anon & co-dependancy literature and went to meetings, and saw nothing we did to help him actually helped him and it was hurting us. Stick around & keep reading & posting, it can be a big help to see you are not alone. And welcome, by the way!

Growing

Brothers and sisters of alcoholics, who don't live with the alcoholic, go to alanon.

From your posts, I would say you have been greatly affected by his drinking/using.

The fear you have for your family members is something to consider when you think about alanon.