GoodKarma

The man I have been dating for the past year has relapsed twice this month. He was in rehab for seven months before we met for drugs in lieu of going to prison. He has a probabtion officer he sees each month and has passed drug tests in the past, but this past month he has taken pills on two different occasions.

The last time was this past Saturday. We had plans for that day and he stood me up. No call or anything. He called on Sunday and just flat out told me he had taken some painkillers and was totally wasted and that is why he couldn't come over to my house. He came over later that day and was very sick (physically). He told me that he was doing so well staying away from drugs. I've never seen him so sick.

He also really felt bad that he had taken the pills. I told him he should start going to some NA meetings but he said they didn't do him any good. I'm very worried about him and I'm wondering if his relapsing will start happening more and more often. I told him I couldn't date anyone that does drugs and he said he knew that.

He is really a great guy. Always very nice to me and has a good job and everthing seemed to be going well for us. I don't know what I should do or how I can help him. I don't want to sound like a nag and I know he has to want to do it himself.

GoodKarma

[Mine use to be a great guy and have a good job too...things were going fine...today we're divorced and he's in jail.]

Wow happysoul! That says a lot right there!

jerect

stick to your boundries, I know it's hard especialy when you are emotionaly involved with someone.

This is my experiance... When he tells you that NA will do him no good, what he is really saying is I don't want help right now.

I'm married to an addict, my story is similar to yours. I met him two months after he got out of detox.. he told me he was clean and that he was never touching that stuff again. I told him that I would not tolerate him doing drugs that it was a deal breaker for me.. He seemed clean and sober and life was good and I married him. I asked him if he ever went to NA or AA after his detox he told me no that he had a strong mind and that was all he needed to overcome his addiction. I wish I would have picked up the clues before I married him but I knew nothing about addiction or drug abuse and I was naive enough to believe him when he told me he was clean and he would never touch the stuff again.

Fast forward 18 months later, he has relapsed. I guess his mind wasn't that strong after all. he is willing to go to counseling and meetings and he wants to get clean so I'm standing beside him but the first time I hear, I don't need NA or i have had all the counseling/treatment I need.. I'm outta here. I will not put myself through this hell again.l



Put yourself first, because trust me he wont. If he loves you and if he loves himself he will get the treatment he needs to be and stay sober and yes that includes going to NA meetings.

Good luck and I hope things work out for the best..

katyk

My husband is an addict/alcoholic. I never feel like I can give the great advice that others have to hand out because I'm new in my recovery. But you have my warm thoughts, and I hope you take care of yourself! Remember your boundaries, and don't give ultimatums unless you follow through. You can only help him by helping yourself.

I've found Al-Anon very helpful, even though my husband's drug of choice is narcotics and alcohol is not currently a problem for him. Check it out.

GoodKarma

Thank you all for your good advice. Yes, jerect, he also said he could do it on his own and didn't need NA and your right that I'm not sure he even wants help right now. I don't know what he is thinking. He did feel really bad that he had messed up and taken the pain pills. I told him last night that I could not date someone that is using drugs. If I do give him an ultimatum, I will follow through with it. Only time will tell now.

I am not married to him nor do we live together. If he does do it again, I can be gone pretty easily.

It helps so much to read stories here of people going through the same thing that I am and how you are handling it.

Thanks so much

Hangin' In

I guess you have to make up your mind which one it's going to be. On one hand you told him "doing drugs = no dating", followed by "if he does do it again, I can be gone pretty easily."

I know each person has to "get there when they get there" re this boundary setting thing.

Famous words of a doctor at my daughter's rehab when I was dying, whirling around like crazy, not knowing what to do after a relapse: "Don't point the gun if you can't pull the trigger."

It's very hard, but I'm praying you can figure out what is best FOR YOU in this situation.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

LITA1978

Well I Am Going To Say A Few Things Just Based On My Past With My Ah. Soon To Be Ex Ah. Anyway. I Went Threw The Same Thing With Him. When We First Got Together He Was Not Doing Drugs Anymore. Yeah Right. He Snuck Them And With Me Being Foolish About Drugs I Had No Clue What They Caused A Person To Do Or The Withdrawl Process Or Anything. So He Used This Against Me. It Took A While But His Lies Caught Up. Come To Find Out It Only "two" Mess Ups Were The Only Ones I Knew About. He Was Doing Drugs All The Time. Finally I Realized He Was Not Going To Change. We Split Ways And Two Years Later He Was "clean" Again. Yeah Right. I Got Pregnant And Well Now Two Years Later We Are Going Threw A Divorce Because Of His Lies And His Drug Use. So Take It For What Its Worth. If He Will Do It Now And You Let Him By With It. He Will Do It In The Future And Until He Wants Help He Will Not Get Any Better.

girlstandingby

Just be careful of the lies... When I said I would never be with someone that did cocaine, he did it and lied because he didn't want to lose me.

just for today

Not much I can add to the statements that have already been made...but here is my $.02.....twice in a month is not relapse, it is addictive behavior....if you know of twice, well you can bet it probably has been more....and yea most addicts feel bad and make all kind of promises when they are trying to get you to stay in their life....Only you can make the choice of whether you want to live with someone that lies about their drug use and gets he friends to lie also......you had set some boundaries and he crossed them, he did not care , his concern was can I use and get by with it....can I come over sick and sorry and all will be forgiven....if it works this time, rest assured it will be tried again.....recovery from addiction takes commitment, hard work and working a program for a lifetime and all of this must come from the addict, it is out of anyone else's control....Keep reading, put your focus on you, your recovery and your future.......good luck