Wanted to update (and vent)
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 47
Wanted to update (and vent)
I posted a few days ago about my situation with ex, my ex has mysteriously changed his plan to move in together with me and decided to move in with his friend. I was very furious since this is defintely not the first time he fails to follow through with his plan or promise. I am just tired of him saying one thing and never follows through with it.
I had a little of thinking after that incidient, and I was starting to second guess my opinions (I always do that), "maybe he is serious about recovery and wants to live with his friend who is also recovering", "maybe he meant he needs more time to be ready", etc. So, I decided to (re-)ask him for explanations why he changed his mind.
In my opinion, he gave me a bunch of BS. I was not convinced with any of his explanations, he first blamed me and said me being too controlling and demanding about money was his reason for changing his mind. Then, he changed his story and said he is trying to get more money so we can get a better place, just wait for a few more months. He also said my apartment is too close to my "ex boyfriend" (when did this become an issue?) and I may be still having feelings for my ex (mind you I have been with him for more than 4 years). He came up with anything and eveything imaginable. At the end, he had a nerve to have that puppy look and tell me he "promises" to "have a great place for us" and move in together in 6 months.
It almost made me laugh that he thinks he can convince me like this. But, at the same time it scares me that I am almost buying it. But, then, I started to focus on what I want. No matter what reasons he chose not to move in with me or "can't" move in with me, it doesn't matter. That's not what I want. I am not wlling to wait or invest any more time and effort in this relationship. I want what I want right now. I don't think I am being selfish, am I? I waited enough. So, I told him it's over. Even though it was and still is so painful, I think I had to do it for my own mental health.
I hope I am getting this my recovery thing correctly, thank you for this place to be able to vent and get insights from others. I am going to an alanon meeting and also first therapy session tomorrow.
I had a little of thinking after that incidient, and I was starting to second guess my opinions (I always do that), "maybe he is serious about recovery and wants to live with his friend who is also recovering", "maybe he meant he needs more time to be ready", etc. So, I decided to (re-)ask him for explanations why he changed his mind.
In my opinion, he gave me a bunch of BS. I was not convinced with any of his explanations, he first blamed me and said me being too controlling and demanding about money was his reason for changing his mind. Then, he changed his story and said he is trying to get more money so we can get a better place, just wait for a few more months. He also said my apartment is too close to my "ex boyfriend" (when did this become an issue?) and I may be still having feelings for my ex (mind you I have been with him for more than 4 years). He came up with anything and eveything imaginable. At the end, he had a nerve to have that puppy look and tell me he "promises" to "have a great place for us" and move in together in 6 months.
It almost made me laugh that he thinks he can convince me like this. But, at the same time it scares me that I am almost buying it. But, then, I started to focus on what I want. No matter what reasons he chose not to move in with me or "can't" move in with me, it doesn't matter. That's not what I want. I am not wlling to wait or invest any more time and effort in this relationship. I want what I want right now. I don't think I am being selfish, am I? I waited enough. So, I told him it's over. Even though it was and still is so painful, I think I had to do it for my own mental health.
I hope I am getting this my recovery thing correctly, thank you for this place to be able to vent and get insights from others. I am going to an alanon meeting and also first therapy session tomorrow.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 266
I know hat you mean. My ex always promises his family that he is going to start taking care of his son, or that when he gets out of the half way house he wanted us to try again.
I know now that is never going to happen. I am a very controlling person when it comes to him. I have been with him for 18 years. This morning I finially deceided enough is enough. I ask him to have all his stuff out of my place that means his broken down truck in my car port. He has until the 1st of March to get this done.
He never follow thrus with us, but he does with all his friends (drug people) I guess everyone his got his drugs from are all recovering addicts.
I know now that is never going to happen. I am a very controlling person when it comes to him. I have been with him for 18 years. This morning I finially deceided enough is enough. I ask him to have all his stuff out of my place that means his broken down truck in my car port. He has until the 1st of March to get this done.
He never follow thrus with us, but he does with all his friends (drug people) I guess everyone his got his drugs from are all recovering addicts.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
You sure are doing the recovery thing correctly!! good for you.
I know how hard it is to be sucked into what they say. Logically we know one thing but our hearts want us to believe something else.
Be strong:-)
I know how hard it is to be sucked into what they say. Logically we know one thing but our hearts want us to believe something else.
Be strong:-)
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by wooforever 
I know hat you mean. My ex always promises his family that he is going to start taking care of his son, or that when he gets out of the half way house he wanted us to try again.
I know now that is never going to happen. I am a very controlling person when it comes to him. I have been with him for 18 years. This morning I finially deceided enough is enough. I ask him to have all his stuff out of my place that means his broken down truck in my car port. He has until the 1st of March to get this done.
He never follow thrus with us, but he does with all his friends (drug people) I guess everyone his got his drugs from are all recovering addicts.
I know now that is never going to happen. I am a very controlling person when it comes to him. I have been with him for 18 years. This morning I finially deceided enough is enough. I ask him to have all his stuff out of my place that means his broken down truck in my car port. He has until the 1st of March to get this done.
He never follow thrus with us, but he does with all his friends (drug people) I guess everyone his got his drugs from are all recovering addicts.
I wonder addicts know or realize how much it hurts others when they promise something and never follow through. To me, even a small promise he can't make started to hurt me so much. I became very sensitive, and maybe controlling.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 266
Mskattie,
Being a recovering addict myself. At the time no some of us do not know what hurt we cause by braking our promises.
See I learned when my XAH made promises and did not keep them that I would keep them for my kids so they would not be hurt by him. Now when he promises things my kids just laugh and say right. We will believe you when we see it.
They know when I say I promise I mean it. When their father sayes it they know he will not keep it.
When I was an active addict-I never made promises. I saw what my better half was doing to them everytime he would not follow thru with a promise. I makes people feel like there is always something better then u.
Being a recovering addict myself. At the time no some of us do not know what hurt we cause by braking our promises.
See I learned when my XAH made promises and did not keep them that I would keep them for my kids so they would not be hurt by him. Now when he promises things my kids just laugh and say right. We will believe you when we see it.
They know when I say I promise I mean it. When their father sayes it they know he will not keep it.
When I was an active addict-I never made promises. I saw what my better half was doing to them everytime he would not follow thru with a promise. I makes people feel like there is always something better then u.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by wooforever
Mskattie,
Being a recovering addict myself. At the time no some of us do not know what hurt we cause by braking our promises.
See I learned when my XAH made promises and did not keep them that I would keep them for my kids so they would not be hurt by him. Now when he promises things my kids just laugh and say right. We will believe you when we see it.
They know when I say I promise I mean it. When their father sayes it they know he will not keep it.
When I was an active addict-I never made promises. I saw what my better half was doing to them everytime he would not follow thru with a promise. I makes people feel like there is always something better then u.
Being a recovering addict myself. At the time no some of us do not know what hurt we cause by braking our promises.
See I learned when my XAH made promises and did not keep them that I would keep them for my kids so they would not be hurt by him. Now when he promises things my kids just laugh and say right. We will believe you when we see it.
They know when I say I promise I mean it. When their father sayes it they know he will not keep it.
When I was an active addict-I never made promises. I saw what my better half was doing to them everytime he would not follow thru with a promise. I makes people feel like there is always something better then u.
After a little while of no contact after we broke up, out of no where he called me. Stupid me thinking maybe he feels sorry for what he has lost, and wants to work on our relationship, I answered the call. He acted like as if we never broke up, calling me dear, babe, etc. He tried to have casual conversation with me and told me he is doing great with recovery and continues his sobriety. I told him that's great but I told him I did not want us to be "friends" and have casual conversations because I am still badly hurt from the relationship and I just can't be his friend. He, then, turned on me and became upset telling me he does not understand why I am still angry..., I was not perfect either, blah blah blah.
I did not know what to say anymore, I don't think he will ever gets it, sober or not. This is a guy who has caused me so much troubles, hurt, and confusion. It's great he is in recovery, but it does not mean it cleans out everything he has done wrong and I should forget and forgive everything, right? For god sake, he has not even apologized or asked for my forgiveness. He pops in as he pleases and expects me to be the same ol nice girl.
So, for me, this relationship is over officially, I am throwing away any drop of hope, I am going to move on, I am not going to be his "friend" whom he can call and expect a pat on his shoulder when he wants it. I always thought if he becomes sober and clean, he will be the nice guy I used to know. But, I guess he is still a jerk (if not more) even when he is in recovery.
I hope I am not being too aggresive here, I am just so angry... Thank you for listening.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
MsKattie:
I've been in the same position with my xabf. It's easier for me not to speak with him on the phone mostly because I just could not hang up with him, especially if he was crying. He knows that. He sends emails now ALWAYS with the request to speak, but I see the emails for the manipulation that they really are now. The first few weeks into no phone contact, it hurt and I cried all the time. Now, I check the email and read it without half the reaction I used to have. I still love him, but I'm not sobbing each time he sends an email either.
The one thing that always amazes me about my xabf is that he doesn't get how I can be so selfish and have a feeling about anything. The whole world is to revolve around him. And even if I did get back together with him it would all have to be on HIS terms. Anything less is unacceptable.
It's so much nicer to have a choice in how I want my life to look. I still have bad days, but I don't see as much pain in my future without him. I see more hope than I have in a long time.
I've been in the same position with my xabf. It's easier for me not to speak with him on the phone mostly because I just could not hang up with him, especially if he was crying. He knows that. He sends emails now ALWAYS with the request to speak, but I see the emails for the manipulation that they really are now. The first few weeks into no phone contact, it hurt and I cried all the time. Now, I check the email and read it without half the reaction I used to have. I still love him, but I'm not sobbing each time he sends an email either.
The one thing that always amazes me about my xabf is that he doesn't get how I can be so selfish and have a feeling about anything. The whole world is to revolve around him. And even if I did get back together with him it would all have to be on HIS terms. Anything less is unacceptable.
It's so much nicer to have a choice in how I want my life to look. I still have bad days, but I don't see as much pain in my future without him. I see more hope than I have in a long time.
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