Another phone call gone bad
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Another phone call gone bad
My A son called me tonight. He wanted to know more about what the counselor told me. I explained that he hasn't blown his deferment (he's on a deferment program for DUI) if he gets back on the program and stays sober.
He went into his irrational statements:
"Mom you've bought into the BS. You're brainwashed."
"Oh man, I wish I had a REAL family."
"You FORCED me to go to that treatment program. I wish I had never gone."
"You're f'ing crazy."
"I'm perfectly normal...it's everyone else who's messed up."
"I'm trying to have a rational conversation with you and you just can't do it."
"You're attacking me."
"I'll just take the punishment the court has for me. Jail. Who cares. It's a place to live with three meals a day and you don't have to work."
"I'm just trying to live my life my way. It can't be your way or the highway."
I calmly told him that he can do whatever he wants to do. I can't make him do anything. We all have choices. He can choose to drink and use drugs. I can choose to limit my exposure to him because I just can't handle the drama anymore. (This is really strange--in the midst of this conversation he actually said "What drama!?") I told him that he is choosing drugs and alcohol over his family and his son. That is his choice to make. I'm not making that choice for him. (That really ticked him off--the truth hurts.)
He has really gone off the deep end. I just can't take it anymore. I am resigned to not seeing my son again until he gets clean. I would expect to hurt more than I do. I'm just numb.
I'm sure it will hit me in the middle of the night. It usually does.
But tomorrow will be a new day........and I'll deal with it one day at a time. I CAN be happy whether my son is drinking or not. I CAN be happy whether my son is a part of my life or not. I CAN take control of my life, my emotions, and my environment. I CAN because I want to stop the insanity.
He went into his irrational statements:
"Mom you've bought into the BS. You're brainwashed."
"Oh man, I wish I had a REAL family."
"You FORCED me to go to that treatment program. I wish I had never gone."
"You're f'ing crazy."
"I'm perfectly normal...it's everyone else who's messed up."
"I'm trying to have a rational conversation with you and you just can't do it."
"You're attacking me."
"I'll just take the punishment the court has for me. Jail. Who cares. It's a place to live with three meals a day and you don't have to work."
"I'm just trying to live my life my way. It can't be your way or the highway."
I calmly told him that he can do whatever he wants to do. I can't make him do anything. We all have choices. He can choose to drink and use drugs. I can choose to limit my exposure to him because I just can't handle the drama anymore. (This is really strange--in the midst of this conversation he actually said "What drama!?") I told him that he is choosing drugs and alcohol over his family and his son. That is his choice to make. I'm not making that choice for him. (That really ticked him off--the truth hurts.)
He has really gone off the deep end. I just can't take it anymore. I am resigned to not seeing my son again until he gets clean. I would expect to hurt more than I do. I'm just numb.
I'm sure it will hit me in the middle of the night. It usually does.
But tomorrow will be a new day........and I'll deal with it one day at a time. I CAN be happy whether my son is drinking or not. I CAN be happy whether my son is a part of my life or not. I CAN take control of my life, my emotions, and my environment. I CAN because I want to stop the insanity.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
OH YOU DID GREAT! Now just let him be to think about all that.
I would say that phone call went really well! You remained calm and clearly explained what your position is. He is probably angry because he knows you are right!
If he wants to go to jail let him. Like you said that is his choice
((()))
I would say that phone call went really well! You remained calm and clearly explained what your position is. He is probably angry because he knows you are right!
If he wants to go to jail let him. Like you said that is his choice
((()))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Kindeyes,
I have found that with all this knowledge of codependency, and a place here to vent to others who truly understand, that when I do slip into the "anxiety" pit of helplessness, I am quicker to recovery rather than let it take me all the way down to days and days of worry and crying. It's a terrible role to have in life at this stage of the game, mother of an A. But with all our "tools" we can get better and better at coping and turning it over to God more quickly, thus saving ourselves from the depression pit. Afterall, that pit isn't a very productive place to be for anyone, us or our A children. Hang tough, sister, and know that I am praying for you today and sending a big sister hug
I have found that with all this knowledge of codependency, and a place here to vent to others who truly understand, that when I do slip into the "anxiety" pit of helplessness, I am quicker to recovery rather than let it take me all the way down to days and days of worry and crying. It's a terrible role to have in life at this stage of the game, mother of an A. But with all our "tools" we can get better and better at coping and turning it over to God more quickly, thus saving ourselves from the depression pit. Afterall, that pit isn't a very productive place to be for anyone, us or our A children. Hang tough, sister, and know that I am praying for you today and sending a big sister hug
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Kindeyes, you are doing great...your feelings/numbness are normal.. I have had that conversation with my AD many times...now when the guilt/abuse starts, I quietly say that I will talk to her when she is able to communicate more respectfully, and I get off the phone...now she makes the effort, even though she is in active addiction.
Yesterday morning , she slipped, and by 3 pm she had called to apologized...Being the parent of an addicted child is so hard but there is hope... little moments of hope along the way....
Yesterday morning , she slipped, and by 3 pm she had called to apologized...Being the parent of an addicted child is so hard but there is hope... little moments of hope along the way....
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
Kind Eyes KEEP IT UP!!!!
In the long run I appreciated my mother more than ever, look at some of my posts, my mother IS my best friend!!!!!
And a truely needed support system, the hardest thing she said she ever did was LET me go to prison......I wouldn't be the woman I am today without that kick iun the pants
Good Luck
Pamm
In the long run I appreciated my mother more than ever, look at some of my posts, my mother IS my best friend!!!!!
And a truely needed support system, the hardest thing she said she ever did was LET me go to prison......I wouldn't be the woman I am today without that kick iun the pants
Good Luck
Pamm
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
(((KindEyes)))
Even though you are in pain...I see strength when I read your threads/posts. Thank you and I am praying for you in this stressful time.
Even though you are in pain...I see strength when I read your threads/posts. Thank you and I am praying for you in this stressful time.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I received another crazed phone call yesterday morning while I was sitting with my mother by her hospital bed. My A son was just nuts. I let him rant and just kept saying "That's your decision--your choice." He rambled on. I stayed calm and didn't engage. He was baiting me the whole time. He asked if he needed to go to H&R Block to do his taxes (I have always helped my children with their taxes since that is an extension of my profession.) I told him that I would be happy to help him or he could go to H&R Block--whichever suits him. He wasn't getting the reactions he wanted so he said he had to go.
Later......he called and was the epitome of a perfect son. Polite. Kind. Asked about how Grandma was doing. He said that he had come to some decisions and shared them with me. They were not the decisions that I would have made for him but I accepted his choices without protest. It was a really nice conversation. At the end of it he said "I like talking to you like this much better Mom." I said "Me too." He said "I love you Mom." I told him that I loved him too and we agreed to get together on Saturday sometime to do his taxes.
Up down Up down Up down. What a crazy rollercoaster ride. But I'm trying to stay on the ground and watch his ride rather than jumping on his rollercoaster with him. It feels better there.
Thank you all for your kind words. I hope you all know that it is YOUR SUPPORT that is getting me through this difficult time. I am so thankful that this forum is here and all of you are here. This has been one of the toughest weeks but I'm ok. Thank you so much.
Later......he called and was the epitome of a perfect son. Polite. Kind. Asked about how Grandma was doing. He said that he had come to some decisions and shared them with me. They were not the decisions that I would have made for him but I accepted his choices without protest. It was a really nice conversation. At the end of it he said "I like talking to you like this much better Mom." I said "Me too." He said "I love you Mom." I told him that I loved him too and we agreed to get together on Saturday sometime to do his taxes.
Up down Up down Up down. What a crazy rollercoaster ride. But I'm trying to stay on the ground and watch his ride rather than jumping on his rollercoaster with him. It feels better there.
Thank you all for your kind words. I hope you all know that it is YOUR SUPPORT that is getting me through this difficult time. I am so thankful that this forum is here and all of you are here. This has been one of the toughest weeks but I'm ok. Thank you so much.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Originally Posted by Kindeyes 
Up down Up down Up down. What a crazy rollercoaster ride. But I'm trying to stay on the ground and watch his ride rather than jumping on his rollercoaster with him. It feels better there.
Last edited by DesertEyes; 02-23-2008 at 09:31 AM. Reason: fixed broken quote
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Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((((Kindeyes))))
I think you did GREAT!!!
It's pretty much impossible to understand the A's logic...and this is coming from an RA who can't believe some of the stupid stuff I did and said!!
I'm glad you're going to let him make his choices and deal with the consequences. If he's like me, he will realize that the consequences can be pretty harsh. I'm glad they were, though because that's how I got to wanting recovery.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I think you did GREAT!!!
It's pretty much impossible to understand the A's logic...and this is coming from an RA who can't believe some of the stupid stuff I did and said!!
I'm glad you're going to let him make his choices and deal with the consequences. If he's like me, he will realize that the consequences can be pretty harsh. I'm glad they were, though because that's how I got to wanting recovery.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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