Boofester

Hi all,

I've glanced at the SR website off and on over the past few months. I've been impressed with the compassion, patience, and even the humor demonstrated amongst posters here.... I guess it's about time I join in, and not a day too soon....!

I know better than to say "my experience is different". So here's the basics... I left the military 15 years ago with some nice awards and a bit of PTSD. I did your typical self-medicating, but initially only on the weekends while I attended school. In the years since, I've made peace with the PTSD - Visited the "scene of the crime" and learned that all my dragons are dead. But my alcohol consumption, which once (I must be honest) helped me overcome my PTSD is now addressing insomnia and solitude.

I spend half my time working at night on a mountain (several days at a time), I never consume alcohol while on the mountain. It's when I'm at home that alcohol (beer) has become my vice.

I have been aware of this for quite a few years now. But it was getting a speeding ticket at 2 in the afternoon the other day that scared me into action....

I was always a responsible drunk. I'd pass out in the privacy of my home. Sleep it off. Then feel I did my part in being a responsible citizen. On the day in question, I'd gotten good and liquored up the night prior, "slept" a fair amount, ate a decent lunch and hit the roads for a ride on my motorcycle. When the cop who pulled me over for speeding asked me if I had been drinking, it scared the hell out of me. I passed his sobriety test, but I know that if I continue on this path what lays ahead.

Anyways, I'm feeling quite a bit of shame and embarrassment. But what scares the **** out of me is trying to find an easy way to say good-bye to an old friend.... I don't miss him at work, it's just going to be the quiet time in the middle of the night at home I fear...

Thanks for reading....

barb dwyer

hey Boo -

Welcome to SR!

Yes there's a lot of support and help here... we've got several avenues you might or might not want to check into, since you said you've been lurking, I'm thinking you've already read the stickies and drifted down to the mental health forums for the PTSD stuff...

glad to hear you're into the humor as well.

it's the most powerful tool we have in recovery, right next to honesty.

again - welcome!

so... you have a plan, or ... what?

sometimes - just rearranging the furniture helps to get something different started inside the house. I mean, for a needed feeling of 'change' that is.

Boofester

Hey, Thanks Barb,

I have followed many of the links here... There is some truly wonderful insight here, just reading other people's experiences helps.. I guess I might be a "high-bottom", but it wasn't for trying. I'm very lucky to be a hyper-sensitive freak. I still cry when other children cry. If it weren't for that I would have gone much further.

I'm fortunate to have an understanding mother, albeit on the east coast.... She's given some great ideas.. I'm looking at volunteering at the VA.... Something just to occupy those hours between sunset and sunrise. I'm on the mountain at the moment, the demons are back home, so there's no pressure. Sunday is when I attempt a night without knocking back 12-16 beers.

stone

Hi and welcome Boo! 8

Working on a mountain? I am intrigued.

barb dwyer

I know a couple of other vets who do exactly that, Boo - volunteer at their VA.

It works for both of them. Soo... meanwhile - where you gonna put the couch on Sunday night?

*g*

I like it over by the window ... but 'sup to you some folks are afraid of sunbleach ..

Boofester

Hi Stone... Thanks for the welcome..!

The mountain has it's good side and it's bad... The good - paid star-gazer. The bad - isolated from others (my night is their day, etc), insomnia, etc.... It's comforting to see all the posts from all over the world. The sun is shining on a good portion of us all the time.....! Someone is always awake...!

Boofester

:-) Thanks Barb,

I don't know... I think I might just have to be an insomniac for once. AMC might have something on.... If I can make it till 1 in the morning when the stores close then I can be like what's his face, lash myself to the main-sail and scream at the siren song. Not much of a plan but I anticipate anxiety....

stone

Wow! The good sure sounds good! I understand what you mean about the bad though.

stone

Odysseus?

Boofester

Yeah, that's him... Odysseus.... I remember thinking he was nuts. Now he might just be an example...

barb dwyer

heehee.

I prefer to think of it as a paradigm ...

Boofester

And to think they told us it was a myth...

barb dwyer

well - at least if you get white around the knuckles -
-er- Sunday, I mean -
you can come here -
someone will be 'on' to hang out with...

Boofester

Thanks Barb,

I most definately will. I only wish I'd had the insight to do so earlier....

barb dwyer

I liked how you said 'I still cry when otherchildren cry..."

'other' children ... that was cute.

Boofester

Barb, Butte MT? Beautiful place, been up in the summer once... Nice long days!

Dee74

welcome Boofester

D

barb dwyer

yes, Boo - and WUNNERFUL night sky action if you drive up to the COntinental Divide ...

Aurora and the whole bit.

Course , it helps to be sober.

I'm guessing you were up for Evel days or somehting similarly ... bike-ish?

nogard

Welcome to SR Boo

CarolD

Glad you posted...

Check out Stone's Bottom
er ah thread for giggles.

I oftten spend the nights
on here cause I hate to sleep.

Welcome to SR!