jerect

For about a month now I have had my suspicions that my AH was using again. It turned me into a raging, snooping co dependant lunatic. Every time I would confront him about it he would deny it to my face, I even presented him with a bag of hydrocodone that i found and he told me they wern't his, he later retracted his story and told me he was just selling them. I had a hard time believing that because he was not showing up with vasts amounts of money and his cell was never ringing off the hook. But then again I have been wrong before so anything is possible.

Monday morning as I was playing Sherlock Holmes once again, I found a bottle containing Hydrocodone and Percocet.. not a lot, maybe ten Hydrocodon and 2 percocets, but enough to confirm my suspicions that he was indeed using.

It took me two days to confront him but this time I confronted him in a new way. I calmly told him what I found, he of course denied it.. I then told him that I didn't think he was a looser that relaps happen and if he would just tell me the truth I would find the resources to get him help. He broke down and started crying and told me that he had been using but it wasn't like before. He told me that he wanted help and that he was willing to go to NA meetings and if I was allowed he wanted me to attend with him.

Of course I'm thrilled that He has agreed to go to meetings. I looked around and found an NA chapter right here in town but no ALanon or Naranon so my only option may be to attend NA with him because I would greatly benefit from the 12 step process as well. I obviously have some Codependance issues I need to deal with.

The other part of me, maybe the rational part of me is leary. Are these just empty promises? I know that my AH is the only person that can change him, the only person that can decided that he needs help. Of course I want to support him and help him through this but I'm powerless over his addiction..(I've been working on step one)

Is it a good idea to attend meetings with him since there is no local Alanon or Naranon chapters or should I look around in neighboring towns to seek one out on my own? I want him to go to these meetings but if he would benefit better with me not being there then I don't want to hinder his recovery. The next step of course is getting him into professional counseling, which he has agreed to as well.

At least for now, i have this glimmer of hope..

hello-kitty

Maybe he's serious about recovery but more likely he's not. Unfortunately we can't follow our addicts around, play detective, go to all their meetings and make sure that they aren't using or dealing for the rest of our lives or their lives. At some point people need to take responsibility for themselves and their own recovery. That's why we need to keep the focus on our own boundaries and the action we will take if someone violates them.

Say your boyfriend doesn't follow through on the promises of going to meetings and not using again, what are you going to do about it? Make a stand, decide on a response and stick with it, no matter what. Try answering this question, "If I suspect he is lieing about using again I will...." Come up with a plan, write it down, and follow through. Be sure it is an action that you are willing to follow through on otherwise what's the point. Empty promises and idle threats don't mean a thing, if we don't follow through on consequences.

IMO, while I think that you might get some good insight into what addicts struggle with at an NA meeting, it would probably be more helpful for you to check out some co-dependent meetings or alanon or naranon meetings to get support for yourself. I know that they are in a different town, but if they aren't too far away, I think you should try going if you are willing. It also might show your boyfriend that you are serious... this time.

PS. Why your boyfriend would think that you would think selling vicodins and percocets is ok, but using them isn't and why you weren't upset over that?! That is a real red flag to me. Is that the kind of behavior you want to be around? Pretty much people who use can't go back to just selling. That is a lie. People who have used drugs in the past can't be around them in the future, without an extremely high risk of using them again. It's just too tempting.

Anyway, good luck to him (and you!). I hope he is serious about recovery this time.

jehnifer

This is progress. And I can understand your feeling leary though. With my little experience all I would say is that your AHs recovery needs to be HIS. His agreement to go to meetings happened only after he got caught. If its genuine, he needs to take the intitiative to find the meetings and get himself there. I get a feeling that by inviting you to go along he is spreading some of the risk and responsibility over to you, but I may be wrong. Give him space to see what he does. After awhile you may want to attend an open meeting to see what its about. Step back and let him seek his own recovery. He can do it if he is truly ready.

jerect

Oh' I Hit the freaking roof when I found those pills, I all but threw him out when I found them. I was not sure what to believe, all I knew was that those pills were in his posession and he was a recovering addict.. not a good sign. He denied, denied, denied, when I confronted him about it.

I don't know what made him fess up today, but this was the first time he ever told me the truth about using. Like I said before I'm leary, An addict is an addict. I asked him why??? He told me it was hard to explain. He said he wasn't even sure why he took those things again. But my biggest issue is, why be around them in the first place. Woulden't someone in active recovery, who truely wanted to recover stay as far away from pills or the environment where those pills would be present?? I think I have had rose colored glasses on way to long.

Urgh, I'm so confused but one thing is certain. I need to put my needs first. I need to focus on my recovery and leave his recovery up to him.

hello-kitty

The answer to that question is a resounding YES! But relaspes happen. Maybe this will be the last one...

But if it's not, always good to have boundaries and consequences in place so your not scrambing to figure out what your going to do. ;-) Putting your needs first is definitely the number one step! No more detective work. Don't make his problem your problem.

jerect

And that is the key, not making his problem my problem.. all the detective work is driving me CRAZY... it's not doing anything for me but causing me emotional angst.

I have seen patterns for so long on how irresponsible he is.. all his life someone has been there to bail him out. He has never had to take personal responisbility for any of his actions.. that is until now.. because I'm not and never will be responsible for his recovery.

sweetpea40

Your story sounds a lot like the snooping I did with my son. Unreal of what goes through you head and how you know in your heart their lying, but they deny it til the end.
I think he wants the help. Yes, maybe he got caught and knew he did...But he could have still denied it all!
My prayers are with you sweetie!
Machele