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Update on son and the warden

Old 02-05-2008, 11:44 AM
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Update on son and the warden

Yeah, I'm still the warden. Son had a good month clean and one night I forgot to lock up my car keys. Guess I'm not a very good warden. And he should not have had any money...I take it all. Must have saved up his pennies.
He's been taking an antidepressant now for over a month is finally starting to feel good for a change. He wakes up happy every morning, doesn't give me any grief, helps with all the household chores and is generally doing well.
As long as I have all money and car keys locked up tight before I go to sleep.
I know everyone is going to freak out on me, but I'm starting to believe this is my lot in life. Something I need to deal with myself.
There are other reasons, selfish ones...my husband needs help with his work and son is doing that for credit on what he owes us. He helps me with chores in exchange for room and board.
He's basically a prisoner here and a happy one at that. I let him go out last weekend with a friend that would have broken one of his bones if he tried to get crack. I even paid for the outing...just so he could get out.
Please don't judge me too harshly. He's really a great kid/man, normally. Maybe someday I won't have to lock everything up before I go to sleep?
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Old 02-05-2008, 12:00 PM
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Barbdee,
If its working for you...then its what you can do at the moment.
I could go on and on about what we "should" or "shouldn't" do, but then I'd have to look in the mirror myself.

I imagine in time, this will get old, but then again, you may feel positive changes that allow you to feel more comfortable making little changes as you go.
If there really were a formula that guarenteed success, I would have bought it a long time ago.

The way I look at it is this:
If after time has past, everyone is honestly comfortable with the way things are, then who are we to argue.

SO...you're not getting the anon award of the year...I'm glad you've found a comfort zone for now...thats what really matters.

(((Hugs)))
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Old 02-05-2008, 12:28 PM
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My son just broke out of jail (my house) last week. We were in the same situation.
It worked while it was working.
While he was here for 6 mos. he tried controlling his addiction for the first few mos.
Then it started spiraling out of control...amazingly as his disease progressed here in my home so did I have a huge codependent relapse.
When he's an addict, it seems those of us in his life are just the next option until we put the heat on.
I know how we analyze ea. step of the way, "Am I doing what is right for my son, Am I doing what is right for me." The answer varies week to week. i can tell you are questioning. There is no rhyne or reason. Hang in there mom as you go through this chapter with your son and your own life.
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Old 02-05-2008, 12:31 PM
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Maybe I can get the "worst" anon award of the year? :-)
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Old 02-05-2008, 12:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Barbdee View Post
Maybe I can get the "worst" anon award of the year? :-)
If you don't win one yourself, I could loan you mine. :rof
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Old 02-05-2008, 01:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Barbdee View Post
Maybe I can get the "worst" anon award of the year? :-)

You can't be the worst if you're doing what's right for you all right now, just please don't do what my mum did when she was being warden for my brother, she let the 24/7 job get the better of her and forgot to take time for herself. Look after you too x
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Old 02-05-2008, 02:44 PM
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I know I am not doing the codie thing properly, but just don't have the energy anymore to do that....it's easier for me to be a warden.
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Old 02-05-2008, 11:22 PM
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You deserve not to be a prisoner yourself. Do what's best for your own peace of mind.
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Old 02-05-2008, 11:40 PM
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((Barbdee))

There is no "right" way for any of this. Each one of us has to follow our own path, togeather. Just because I might do it one way, and you another, that doesn't mean that either one is right, both are.

Whatever works for you, as it works for you, is a good thing. If being a warden happens to work for you right now, who are we to think anything different is what is best for your situation. Besides, maybe this is all happening this way for a reason. You will know in your own heart when or if it's time to change anything. Believe me, you want even question it if that time comes.

Hugs and Prayers
B
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Old 02-06-2008, 03:08 AM
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Hey, Barb, you're here...we can fix you ya know? Whoa Nellie!!! Did I just say that?...here take my codie black belt away from me.

Each one of us has to do what is right for us, and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't...but I've learned to never try to guess what might work for someone else.

The important thing is that we walk together here, at our own speed and by whatever steps we care to take. Sometimes we hold each other up and sometimes we knock each other over but we travel together anyway, and it makes for an interesting journey.

For me, trying to control my son ended up giving all the "control" to him. If he did what I wanted, I was happy and if he didn't I was miserable. It just didn't work for me.

Sending hugs and putting out the welcome mat.
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Old 02-06-2008, 04:23 AM
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Hope there are NA meetings allowed in your institution - One a day is recommended. If there is no treatment for the disease going on, the disease is not being treated. period.
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Old 02-06-2008, 07:05 AM
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A wise woman told me: "You are the manager of your life. If you were paying someone else to manage your life the way it's being managed, would you want to keep them on in that position?" I decided I'd fire mine. I was tired of trying to be the manager of someone else's life. It was/is humanly impossible.

I know you have to do what you think you have to do but you are not "doomed" to this job in life. It's a choice.

I just know for me I started feeling better when I actually started comprehending the idea that there is great freedom in surrendering. Surrendering my AD to her HP was a win/win situation for both of us. Holding on to her was only draining the life out of me. I was keeping both her and myself as prisoners when I was trying to control her life. I was keeping her from learning to become the responsible person I had always wanted her to be while I was tying up my life trying to do the impossible.

Believe you me, I have to surrender her EVERY day. It's not a one time thing for me, but I'll sure take this way over the way I was living. And she'll tell you that she is so glad I got out of trying to manage her life.

Hugs,
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Old 02-06-2008, 07:51 AM
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Hi Barb,
I'm glad this is working for you and your son. At least you are getting back some money he owes you, making him work it off is good. You get extra help around the house, not bad either. Do what you have to no matter what, we can only do what is best for us. If in time you realize this is not right you can change it, we don't know what the future holds for us. I pray that he keeps clean and works a program.
Hugs coming to you
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Old 02-06-2008, 09:52 PM
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Barb,
My son thought he had it rough and went on and on about how rough we were on him when we found out about his addiction. Started out he wanted us to take his Cell Phone, Check Book, Vehicle, you name it, we took it. That is what he wanted at First. But it got old after about a month.
My question to him:
Would you rather be in Prison with fewer privileges?
Or choose to stay at home with some?
You really have to watch how you handle it....Been there, done that.
Ended up in Rehab through all my efforts, but they have his cell phone, limited on his phone calls, and can't leave and come as he wants. So, there you go. Guess what, REHAB IS HELPING TOO!!
Kids don't come with papers on how you raise them, so you do the best you can sweetie!! And then they become men....and you feel their still your baby....and you know how the story goes...SO HARD TO BE A PARENT!! Mom use to tell me they step on your toes when their little and step on your heart when their older. HOW TRUE huh
Prayers and Hugs Sweetie,
Machele
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