Found after 6 weeks missing
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
Found after 6 weeks missing
I have caller ID on my phone . I am scrolling through to see who called and I see a hospital from Philly on there. Right away I know AH must be there. So I call and sure enough he was admitted there from another hospital. He had aprocedure on his heart,he doen't have health insurance and already owes the hospitals in our area thousands of dollars. I did not speak to him only the nurses. I have prepared myself that he will probably pass sometime this year. Part of me wants to run down there and comfort him, but why he abandoned the kids and I,leaving me with a financial mess and angry hurt children. What if he dies and I never get to say goodbye? Should I care or leave it alone........So much more to the story I just don't have the energy to type.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
This is a hard one, as it's apparent you still have feelings of resentment towards him. I think it would be very important for you and the kids to have closure with him. In the future when he has gone, feelings will have altered and you may regret not saying 'goodbye'.
Although so much hurt has passed between you all in recent years, he was at one stage in your life, someone you cared very much about and loved enough to bear children with him. This person is still there, buried beneath layers of suffering and abuse toward himself. I believe all humans strive to free themselves of suffering, but many look for the answer outside of themselves and not within. Thus leading to addictions, be they chemical, emotional, controlling etc. In essence he is just another lost soul, striving, in the only way he knows how, to be free of pain.
The children, as much as they feel hurt and anger toward him, still love and want a connection with the father they feel they deserve to have. He is the only father they will ever have, good or bad. No one else will ever hold the same place within their hearts. He may not be living up to their expectations of what a father 'should be', but he, like all of us, is only human.
Perhaps this could be an opportunity to heal some wounds and come to terms with who and what he is, and lay to rest that pain, before he passes from this world.
Love and hugs to you all
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx
Although so much hurt has passed between you all in recent years, he was at one stage in your life, someone you cared very much about and loved enough to bear children with him. This person is still there, buried beneath layers of suffering and abuse toward himself. I believe all humans strive to free themselves of suffering, but many look for the answer outside of themselves and not within. Thus leading to addictions, be they chemical, emotional, controlling etc. In essence he is just another lost soul, striving, in the only way he knows how, to be free of pain.
The children, as much as they feel hurt and anger toward him, still love and want a connection with the father they feel they deserve to have. He is the only father they will ever have, good or bad. No one else will ever hold the same place within their hearts. He may not be living up to their expectations of what a father 'should be', but he, like all of us, is only human.
Perhaps this could be an opportunity to heal some wounds and come to terms with who and what he is, and lay to rest that pain, before he passes from this world.
Love and hugs to you all
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
Lily makes a lot of great points. The one thing in your post that grabbed me was "what if I don't get to say goodbye?" I had feelings of regret a couple years ago and gave it my last shot in 2007 with the XABF. If he died today, I know in my heart that he knew I loved him and wanted a good life with him. Alcohol just meant a lot more to him. But at least I got closure for myself.
I'm even more concerned about your children. What will they feel if Dad dies and they didn't get to say goodbye?
God bless ...
I'm even more concerned about your children. What will they feel if Dad dies and they didn't get to say goodbye?
God bless ...
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
- they just do not care.
I know it's a hard pill to swallow , but its the truth.
I was left also with a hill of bills and so many questions.
In time you will see, that none of it matters.
I know it's a hard pill to swallow , but its the truth.
I was left also with a hill of bills and so many questions.
In time you will see, that none of it matters.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 151
Whether or not he "cares" isn't the issue. If it's important for you to say goodbye or whatever, then you should do it. If I want/need to do something for my own closure or personal process, even if the person I say it to tells me to fu*k-off, then I'll do it. Just make sure you don't have any hidden agenda about what you hope he may say or do. It need to just be about YOU.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
I think while it may be hard to see him you would set a good example for your children by stopping by to see him. Let them choose whether they want to come in or not and if they choose to remain in the hall while you see him that is their choice but let him know they are there and if he want to seek forgiveness he needs to ask.
While we may harbour resentment for someone who hurt us in the past one of the things I learned when I was religous is ours is not to judge. That will be done by a higher power if you so believe. Those of faith are asked to show compassion to our fellow man and the rights and wrongs in their life will be tallied by a higher power.
I see many topics where people talk of someone hitting rock bottom and then their eyes are opened to the pain they have causes. Who knows maybe he will repent and seek your forgiveness, maybe not. That is his choice. At least you will do the right thing by caring enough by stopping by.
While we may harbour resentment for someone who hurt us in the past one of the things I learned when I was religous is ours is not to judge. That will be done by a higher power if you so believe. Those of faith are asked to show compassion to our fellow man and the rights and wrongs in their life will be tallied by a higher power.
I see many topics where people talk of someone hitting rock bottom and then their eyes are opened to the pain they have causes. Who knows maybe he will repent and seek your forgiveness, maybe not. That is his choice. At least you will do the right thing by caring enough by stopping by.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Just after our divorce hearing (in fact,he told me the same day my lawyer called to say he was sending me the papers to sign),my exAH told me he was going (out of town) for surgery;prostate cancer. I refused to sign the papers then (actually,never did) and the kids and I ended up going with him for the surgery. One of the main reasons was that I thought the kids should be there,and know what was going on (we had found out a few months earlier that he had been lying to us about many things and excluded from much info) and also,should anything go wrong or medical choices need to be made,they should not be put into that position. (His family waited me there,too..........we had been married 27yrs before he divorced me).
I told him I would be there; if he wanted to travel and stay seperately (evidently OW wanted to go,too) that was fine. I did not even need to be at the hosptial,if that was a problem, but I would take the kids and be there for them. (The four of us ended up going and staying together...he even called and had us rush over to meet his doctor pre-op. haha. The surgery/prognosis was good).
What I'm saying is I did it because I felt strongly it was the right thing to do and I wanted to do it for me and our kids. (I think the part about not having any expectations is well-taken,too).
That's my experience in a somewhat similar situation.
Good luck to you all.
I told him I would be there; if he wanted to travel and stay seperately (evidently OW wanted to go,too) that was fine. I did not even need to be at the hosptial,if that was a problem, but I would take the kids and be there for them. (The four of us ended up going and staying together...he even called and had us rush over to meet his doctor pre-op. haha. The surgery/prognosis was good).
What I'm saying is I did it because I felt strongly it was the right thing to do and I wanted to do it for me and our kids. (I think the part about not having any expectations is well-taken,too).
That's my experience in a somewhat similar situation.
Good luck to you all.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
These days, I try my best to live my life without regrets, but I also remember to balance that with a need to take care of myself and preserve my new-found serenity. I did not have a chance to say goodbye to my AB before his death, but he knew I loved him. I'm certain of that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
I was in a similar situation just about a year ago. My husband and I had been married many years and I had grown to know this man very well when he was sober and healthy ...the real person underneath all the insanity that emerged later as alcoholism took hold. Alcohol made him behave in ways I never dreamed possible as he progressed further and further downward - in time it had seriously damaged both his mind and body - and destroyed almost every relationship in his life. Eventually, there was very little left of the man I used to know ...I felt like I was watching him die a little bit everyday for 3 years. We had lived apart for some time as I could no longer allow this horrible addiction to consume myself and my children ... and I knew only my husband could save himself.
My husband had been consumed and transformed by this addiction ... almost like he was being possessed by some unseen evil entity. However, every so often, without warning, the person I married unexpectedly would reappear. It was almost like someone you thought was lost forever, coming back again.
A week before he passed, I had over an hour long conversation with him .. not with the alcoholic, but with the man he used to be-without warning he was present once again... he was calm, alert and interested in what his sons had been doing and details about our family activities. We actually laughed together for the first time in many months. When I hung up the phone, I felt a level of serenity I hadn't felt in a long time ... it felt good knowing underneath all the craziness, the man I knew from years ago still existed.
With all the trauma and heartache he had caused, especially the last few years of his life, I still tried to maintain at least a distant relationship with him. We had too much shared history, too many ties and most important, the children we shared together to completely lose contact. As he grew sicker, I made sure he got to his doctor's appointments when he was unable to get there on his own and I made sure he understood what the doctor was telling him and explained his medications to him... having to repeat information several times due to his increasing memory problems. I let him handle everything else on his own that I felt he was capable of .. as I concentrated on taking care of our sons and myself as we struggled to survive and repair all the significant damage done by this terrible addiction.
What I didn't realize was that in one week after my husband and I had this uplifting conversation, he would be gone forever. No more chances to reconnect even for a few moments ... and share special memories or milestones in our children's lives .. however, I was so at peace knowing that we had that last meaningful conversation. Even though I knew that we might be losing him in the coming year, no one expected him to die so suddenly.
I never forgot that underneath it all there was a decent, caring human being that once had worked hard to take care of his family. Underneath it all was a man whose children meant everything to him. Underneath it all was a man I knew loved me very much. Alcohol had consumed and transformed this man ... and took such a powerful hold on him that grew stronger as he grew weaker until he was no longer able to break free. I had promised myself I would never abandon him if he were too sick and unable to care for himself... we had too many years and memories together, we were forever part of the same family ... and most important, we shared 2 sons that would have always have a life long connection to him no matter what happened. When I received word that he had died, I never regretted for one moment the time, though very difficult, that I spent with him when he was so ill in the last months of his life ... and it affirmed to his sons that I felt underneath it all their father was someone still worthy of being cared for ... that he had just been too sick to be the man, husband and father he wanted to be.
My husband had been consumed and transformed by this addiction ... almost like he was being possessed by some unseen evil entity. However, every so often, without warning, the person I married unexpectedly would reappear. It was almost like someone you thought was lost forever, coming back again.
A week before he passed, I had over an hour long conversation with him .. not with the alcoholic, but with the man he used to be-without warning he was present once again... he was calm, alert and interested in what his sons had been doing and details about our family activities. We actually laughed together for the first time in many months. When I hung up the phone, I felt a level of serenity I hadn't felt in a long time ... it felt good knowing underneath all the craziness, the man I knew from years ago still existed.
With all the trauma and heartache he had caused, especially the last few years of his life, I still tried to maintain at least a distant relationship with him. We had too much shared history, too many ties and most important, the children we shared together to completely lose contact. As he grew sicker, I made sure he got to his doctor's appointments when he was unable to get there on his own and I made sure he understood what the doctor was telling him and explained his medications to him... having to repeat information several times due to his increasing memory problems. I let him handle everything else on his own that I felt he was capable of .. as I concentrated on taking care of our sons and myself as we struggled to survive and repair all the significant damage done by this terrible addiction.
What I didn't realize was that in one week after my husband and I had this uplifting conversation, he would be gone forever. No more chances to reconnect even for a few moments ... and share special memories or milestones in our children's lives .. however, I was so at peace knowing that we had that last meaningful conversation. Even though I knew that we might be losing him in the coming year, no one expected him to die so suddenly.
I never forgot that underneath it all there was a decent, caring human being that once had worked hard to take care of his family. Underneath it all was a man whose children meant everything to him. Underneath it all was a man I knew loved me very much. Alcohol had consumed and transformed this man ... and took such a powerful hold on him that grew stronger as he grew weaker until he was no longer able to break free. I had promised myself I would never abandon him if he were too sick and unable to care for himself... we had too many years and memories together, we were forever part of the same family ... and most important, we shared 2 sons that would have always have a life long connection to him no matter what happened. When I received word that he had died, I never regretted for one moment the time, though very difficult, that I spent with him when he was so ill in the last months of his life ... and it affirmed to his sons that I felt underneath it all their father was someone still worthy of being cared for ... that he had just been too sick to be the man, husband and father he wanted to be.
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