The Aftermath
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Lexington, Kentucky
Posts: 13
The Aftermath
I don't know who I am anymore. It's such a strange and disturbing problem, because in order to get better I have to have a strong sense of identity, a core harder than any of the drugs I've used, and I just don't. Five years ago I was a completely different person. Since then I've become an addict who dated a pathological liar/ compulsive thief (possibly worse), and used IV drugs everyday (something I NEVER thought I would do-- but did). I'm so completely dumbfounded by my behavior and I feel almost like it happened to somebody else. Before all this happened I was a straight-A student with a scholarship to a prestigious college. Then somewhere along the way I worked my way down the ladder of addictions and wound up in hell. And I'm stuck there now.
How long does it really take to start getting a good sense of who you are again? Till you feel comfortable in your own skin? I missed out on the opportunity to get to know myself when everybody else did because I was loaded all the time. I feel like I'm way behind all my old friends-- I don't even want to talk to them, because I think we have absolutely nothing in common anymore, as much as I'd like us to.
I also feel the stigma like an itchy burning rash all over me, and I don't know when I'll feel comfortable telling the people in my life just what I went through, if ever. Watching a movie that deals with drug use with a friend who knows about my past makes me feel really strange and out-of-place. I don't know, it's all so weird.
Wondering if anyone can relate, or give any advice.
Thanks,
Sugar
How long does it really take to start getting a good sense of who you are again? Till you feel comfortable in your own skin? I missed out on the opportunity to get to know myself when everybody else did because I was loaded all the time. I feel like I'm way behind all my old friends-- I don't even want to talk to them, because I think we have absolutely nothing in common anymore, as much as I'd like us to.
I also feel the stigma like an itchy burning rash all over me, and I don't know when I'll feel comfortable telling the people in my life just what I went through, if ever. Watching a movie that deals with drug use with a friend who knows about my past makes me feel really strange and out-of-place. I don't know, it's all so weird.
Wondering if anyone can relate, or give any advice.
Thanks,
Sugar
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Dreaming Summer
Posts: 821
From my experience,time and working at recovery is all that will help.Sometimes I still feel out of place in the world.But the feeling is not so intense and fades away when I get busy...especially if I look for positive things to do.If I can help someone else, it takes me out of my self centered thinking.
It's pretty normal to feel different from your old friends.You've had a life altering experience.And you are different.Time will ease that feeling too,but it's a worthwhile feeling and one that needs to be absorbed.We are different in much the same way that cancer survivors are different.We have been deathly ill and now we are recovering.
As for the stigma...it's not as bad as it once was.Still,you don't have to share that part of your life with anyone unless you choose to do so.It's personal,and it's best to use caution.
You might want to study How It Works on the NA forum.It's a step by step guide to getting that sense of who you are,and becoming comfortable in your skin.Hang in,and keep posting.
phoenix
It's pretty normal to feel different from your old friends.You've had a life altering experience.And you are different.Time will ease that feeling too,but it's a worthwhile feeling and one that needs to be absorbed.We are different in much the same way that cancer survivors are different.We have been deathly ill and now we are recovering.
As for the stigma...it's not as bad as it once was.Still,you don't have to share that part of your life with anyone unless you choose to do so.It's personal,and it's best to use caution.
You might want to study How It Works on the NA forum.It's a step by step guide to getting that sense of who you are,and becoming comfortable in your skin.Hang in,and keep posting.
phoenix
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: England
Posts: 3
Alright Sugar,
After reading your post i felt quite compelled to write. The way you described your experience and how you felt was exactly the same for me. I was 22 when i put down the heroin/crack, and had missed out on all of those experiences growing up. The drugs turned me into this person i really didnt like. When i stopped using i felt like just an empty shell of a person not knowing who i was and felt completely ill equipped to deal with life. Through time and sharing with others i learnt alot about myself, i expected everything to be all rosey as soon as i cleaned up but it wasnt it took time and a lot of support, but its definitely been worth it. You've been through alot and your coming through it, i cant recommend enough getting proper support whether its AA, NA or whatever. For me some time has past and ive done things i never dreamt i would've been able to do.
Good luck Sugar,
Dom.
After reading your post i felt quite compelled to write. The way you described your experience and how you felt was exactly the same for me. I was 22 when i put down the heroin/crack, and had missed out on all of those experiences growing up. The drugs turned me into this person i really didnt like. When i stopped using i felt like just an empty shell of a person not knowing who i was and felt completely ill equipped to deal with life. Through time and sharing with others i learnt alot about myself, i expected everything to be all rosey as soon as i cleaned up but it wasnt it took time and a lot of support, but its definitely been worth it. You've been through alot and your coming through it, i cant recommend enough getting proper support whether its AA, NA or whatever. For me some time has past and ive done things i never dreamt i would've been able to do.
Good luck Sugar,
Dom.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Lexington, Kentucky
Posts: 13
Phoenix,
Thanks for your suggestion, the reading did help to center my thinking. You're totally right about the self-centered part, too-- which came out in my writing, although I was oblivious to that obvious fact until you pointed it out. I tend to be introspective to a fault to begin with, so it's already a character defect I need to work on ... anyway, at my mom's suggestion I'm going to do some community service. I'm calling tomorrow to find out where help's needed.
Dom,
Thanks for your sympathies ... it's so crazy, once your head's cleared, to see where you are now and realize where you've been (which is better not to think about, I think). It's good to know someone can relate out there in the void ....
Thanks, you two, and best wishes,
Sugar
Thanks for your suggestion, the reading did help to center my thinking. You're totally right about the self-centered part, too-- which came out in my writing, although I was oblivious to that obvious fact until you pointed it out. I tend to be introspective to a fault to begin with, so it's already a character defect I need to work on ... anyway, at my mom's suggestion I'm going to do some community service. I'm calling tomorrow to find out where help's needed.
Dom,
Thanks for your sympathies ... it's so crazy, once your head's cleared, to see where you are now and realize where you've been (which is better not to think about, I think). It's good to know someone can relate out there in the void ....
Thanks, you two, and best wishes,
Sugar
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: QUeeNz,NoOYaWk
Posts: 205
i know exactly what u mean
i know exactly what your going through..im 22 yrs old rite now and ive been a heroin addict for 6yrs before that i did coke or anything else i could get my hands on..i started because i felt strange in my own body and thought drugs would help me with that...i was molested when i was 7 yrs old by a neighborhood kid and i didnt really think about it or allow it to bother me till i got to be a teen..then all of a sudden people started experimenting with boys and i wanted nuthing to do with boys people called me a lesi..and for awhile i thought maybe i was..i also blamed my mom cause she never tried to understand me and blamed me for being molested cause she sed i should of told her rite away..so with my anger towards her and not being able to connect with anyone or share my feelings i started drinking and heavily..soon i got into pills and weed..while i was doing this i soon realized i wasnt gay and enjoyed guys..but i wasnt ready for what i did while i was under the influence..so outta shame and embarrisent me i took more and more drugs to get myself to forget and shake that dirty feeling off of me..i started doing extasy and acid..then when i was 15 i smoke crack for the first time..then i started doing coke usually on the weekends then it started becoming almost everyday or any day i could get it..and then this guy gave me dope(heroin)..and i didnt look back..until my mom found out when i was 18 and had to go into a program..i thought finally i was saved..but i didnt realize through this whole time ive become an addict..i wasnt doing it anymore cause i wanted to get back at my mom..or wanted to feel normal with guys..i was doing it to be normal..if i didnt i be sick as a dog..and i fell in love with it it became my best friend my secret lover..so i lied to my mom after 2 months in the out patient program i told her i was fine..she had no idea what sumone goes through addict to dope she never knew anyone on dope..so she believed me..the reason why i went back is exactly what u sed..i didnt feel normal..i felt different i couldnt get outta my head the things i did, the places i went to get drugs..i always felt ashamed i didnt wanna look in my moms eyes..and when id hang with my old friends even my best friend..i felt strange..i felt they had no idea what i was going through probably cause i wouldnt share with them, but i felt they wouldnt wanna understand..i just kept saying i have to use if i use ill be normal..i just kept saying its too late im a junkie and im just always gonna be a junkie..so i went on a 4 year fight..i went in more then 10 detoxs..and about 7 rehabs..none of them work cause i didnt let them..i became a expert on programs and rehab i could recite the questions they ask u in intake..i knew what to say to get what i wanted i would go into detox when i had no more money left or i wanted to move in my moms house or it was cold out..finally i got tired..and sick..i got endocarditis from shooting with old needles and not clean my skin with a alcohol swabs..so puss and dirt got in when i shot up and settled in my valve of my heart and grew there till luckily it burst into my lungs and no where further..i say i was lucky cause if it stayed in my valve i probably would had to get a operation and lucky that it just stayed in my lungs cause it could of traveled to my brain which i would of died instantly..i always say sumone must be watching out for me...but since then ive had a long road of recovery...i stayed clean for 11 months straight with the help of methadone..i would of never gotten this far unless i really wanted too..but it wasnt easy its like u go through a grieving period..u feel like u losing your best friend..cause it has been your friend in our addicts mind..it help us through the hard times and good..but its brought us more bad..and we just gotta keep holding on cause life is better with out it..i hope u know the pain u feel now is nuthing compared to what it will be like if u keep using..maybe u wont even be here to tell your story..our bodys arent made outta steal...goodluck and keep in touch..
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Lexington, Kentucky
Posts: 13
WishIsedno,
I'm glad the endocarditus didn't get any further, not that having in your heart valve isn't bad enough. That's ******* scary. I went to get tested for diseases and I was scared, because although I was always careful about buying my own needles, I shared with my boyfriend. He said he'd never shared with anybody before, but I know now that everything he says is as real as a fairy tale. I also shared water with a girl with Hep-C once (didn't know she had it at the time). I tested negative, but it's too soon for HIV testing yet. I don't know how dope gets us like it does, but no drug, not even alcohol, makes me feel nostalgic the way dope does. Maybe cos I know if I lose my connections I may never get them again, or at least not without effort ... it's the fleeting part of it that makes it seem so valuable. Like the oasis mirage in the desert that's gone by the time you get there ... makes you wonder if any of it really happened once you're head clears a bit.
The friend I shared the water with was pregnant, so she had to go on methadone and she nodded and everything on it. I think she may still be on it, I don't talk to her anymore, unfortunately. I had to cut myself off from the heroin community in order to quit. And her boyfriend's still in it, so I don't see her anymore. Plus she gave me a methadone once or twice, and I need to stay away from opiates/ opiate-like subsances, if I can ... although I've considered going to the clinic (not medically necessary, though,I don't think. I'm on antidepressants and antipsychotics instead). HOw's it working for yoU? I"d love to legally be allowed to take methadone, but I don't think I'd be doing it for the right reasons.
Thank you so much for your post ... you sound like an exceptionally strong person to have been through what you've been through. It's really rough, and I was only on the dope for two months. Before that was coke and booze and pills, but for some reason I don't fiend for any of that (booze when other people around me are drinking sometimes, but it's not the same). I can just imagine what you must be going through, what you've been through, trying to stay clean after years of using.
Good luck to you and stay strong,
and I'll try to, too,
Sugar
I'm glad the endocarditus didn't get any further, not that having in your heart valve isn't bad enough. That's ******* scary. I went to get tested for diseases and I was scared, because although I was always careful about buying my own needles, I shared with my boyfriend. He said he'd never shared with anybody before, but I know now that everything he says is as real as a fairy tale. I also shared water with a girl with Hep-C once (didn't know she had it at the time). I tested negative, but it's too soon for HIV testing yet. I don't know how dope gets us like it does, but no drug, not even alcohol, makes me feel nostalgic the way dope does. Maybe cos I know if I lose my connections I may never get them again, or at least not without effort ... it's the fleeting part of it that makes it seem so valuable. Like the oasis mirage in the desert that's gone by the time you get there ... makes you wonder if any of it really happened once you're head clears a bit.
The friend I shared the water with was pregnant, so she had to go on methadone and she nodded and everything on it. I think she may still be on it, I don't talk to her anymore, unfortunately. I had to cut myself off from the heroin community in order to quit. And her boyfriend's still in it, so I don't see her anymore. Plus she gave me a methadone once or twice, and I need to stay away from opiates/ opiate-like subsances, if I can ... although I've considered going to the clinic (not medically necessary, though,I don't think. I'm on antidepressants and antipsychotics instead). HOw's it working for yoU? I"d love to legally be allowed to take methadone, but I don't think I'd be doing it for the right reasons.
Thank you so much for your post ... you sound like an exceptionally strong person to have been through what you've been through. It's really rough, and I was only on the dope for two months. Before that was coke and booze and pills, but for some reason I don't fiend for any of that (booze when other people around me are drinking sometimes, but it's not the same). I can just imagine what you must be going through, what you've been through, trying to stay clean after years of using.
Good luck to you and stay strong,
and I'll try to, too,
Sugar
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: QUeeNz,NoOYaWk
Posts: 205
god i feel im talking to myself 5years ago..i know how you feel you feel like you passed this line and u want to go back to the way you were before it all happened...but u cant because you've grown and you've changed..like all people do..u aint the naive lil gurl u were when u started using..and thank god..cause now u can stand up and say ok i did that but now i can do sumthing else..dont make it control u..for me i hated change..i got use to depending on dope to take away the things that i didnt like..and for making me feel good...it funny when u r clean all u can think about is the good times and the great feeling it made u feel..u even make the bad times into not so bad ones..but thats the disease..a disease that wants to just take and take until u got nuthing left.. but for my sake for all other addicts that blew it before they even got a chance a recovery..dont go back because you feel someone wont like u after they find out u did some dope in college..cause u know what u dont need that person..and when u get to that point if u follow the steps your counselor tells u or therapist or whoever u choose to help u along..u wont need them because you'll be happy with yourself u wont need anyone or anything to make u happy..you alone will be enough..hang in there and write me whenever u need..my aol sn is [email protected] if u wanna email u can..
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