Love or addiction? I'm still a codie?
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Love or addiction? I'm still a codie?
I am so sad and wrought with confusion today. I broke up with my non-alcoholic BF the other night and I am struggling with doubts as to whether I did the right thing. I found him boring and I am just not sure if that's a residual effect of being with my xabf who was completely chaotic.
The excuse I gave myself and my this new guy was that we have hardly anything in common (as far as hobbies and interests). But truthfully I was madly in "love" with my xabf and he and I didn't have that much in common either. Was it merely an addiction? He mistreated me so badly and yet I clung onto him for years. Why am I so suddenly uneasy about a few little arguments (that I start) with a stable guy and decide he's too boring?
I found myself thinking about xabf and how he'd never let me even have an opinion and thus we'd never have an argument. I thought of him as strong and able to put me in my place and mind my manners. Am I nuts or what? I have this great, kind, willing to do ANYTHING for me guy and I dump him because I think he's boring.
I'm afraid I may never find what I'm looking for. I have this ideal man in mind, and I'm afraid that he doesn't exist and I'll simply be alone or forever repeating this pattern of dating people that don't "measure up". I'm afraid I'm being unrealistic and just immature. I'm afraid I'm throwing away a perfectly good relationship based on the comparisons of a completely warped relationship!
The excuse I gave myself and my this new guy was that we have hardly anything in common (as far as hobbies and interests). But truthfully I was madly in "love" with my xabf and he and I didn't have that much in common either. Was it merely an addiction? He mistreated me so badly and yet I clung onto him for years. Why am I so suddenly uneasy about a few little arguments (that I start) with a stable guy and decide he's too boring?
I found myself thinking about xabf and how he'd never let me even have an opinion and thus we'd never have an argument. I thought of him as strong and able to put me in my place and mind my manners. Am I nuts or what? I have this great, kind, willing to do ANYTHING for me guy and I dump him because I think he's boring.
I'm afraid I may never find what I'm looking for. I have this ideal man in mind, and I'm afraid that he doesn't exist and I'll simply be alone or forever repeating this pattern of dating people that don't "measure up". I'm afraid I'm being unrealistic and just immature. I'm afraid I'm throwing away a perfectly good relationship based on the comparisons of a completely warped relationship!
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Originally Posted by sketscher 
I'm afraid I may never find what I'm looking for.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
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Great subject.... can I ask a couple questions?
How long has it been since you and the ex-AB split up and how much recovery work have you done for yourself?
I was addicted to Chaos.... For many many years. My whole life I have been raised in one crisis after another and I did not know there was another way to live. In my young 20s I would actually get sick to my stomach when I tried to relax and felt bored when I was not taking care of "something" or figuring something out. I also spent years being what I thought was an amazingly giving person.... I always focused on everyone else.
What I discovered is that I what worked for my survival when I was a child and young adult is actually very harmful to me as an adult.... not only to me but to the people closest to me as well. I focused on other people and used the excuse that focusing on myself did nothing for me, the truth was that focusing on myself was (and still can be) too painful. I also felt that "nice guys" were more shallow....they did not hold my interest for long... I’m thankful today that I don’t live in those thoughts... it has taken most of my life to realize that I am worthy of a loving, dependable, peaceful partner in my life... that I was being self destructive... I also discovered that I’m a passive committmentphobic and would choose people unavailable to me because that way I did not have to be the bad guy... I could be a victim and still not commit... Most of all I discovered how to live happily with myself and work on being the type of women that will be ready for a committed relationship.
It is all fear based and I’m still working though it today.... I don’t know if any of that rings bells for you but it is some of my experiences
How long has it been since you and the ex-AB split up and how much recovery work have you done for yourself?
I was addicted to Chaos.... For many many years. My whole life I have been raised in one crisis after another and I did not know there was another way to live. In my young 20s I would actually get sick to my stomach when I tried to relax and felt bored when I was not taking care of "something" or figuring something out. I also spent years being what I thought was an amazingly giving person.... I always focused on everyone else.
What I discovered is that I what worked for my survival when I was a child and young adult is actually very harmful to me as an adult.... not only to me but to the people closest to me as well. I focused on other people and used the excuse that focusing on myself did nothing for me, the truth was that focusing on myself was (and still can be) too painful. I also felt that "nice guys" were more shallow....they did not hold my interest for long... I’m thankful today that I don’t live in those thoughts... it has taken most of my life to realize that I am worthy of a loving, dependable, peaceful partner in my life... that I was being self destructive... I also discovered that I’m a passive committmentphobic and would choose people unavailable to me because that way I did not have to be the bad guy... I could be a victim and still not commit... Most of all I discovered how to live happily with myself and work on being the type of women that will be ready for a committed relationship.
It is all fear based and I’m still working though it today.... I don’t know if any of that rings bells for you but it is some of my experiences
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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Their ya go, damned if we do, and damned if we don't.
Our so called NORMIE does'nt exist, and we have this ideal locked in our head. As for me I'm attracted to the bad girl until she gets bad,
then I want out. And I see the ladies are interested in the bad boys,
until they get bad. I guess I have to find some kind of compromise in my head. before i'm ready for a healthy relationship?????
Our so called NORMIE does'nt exist, and we have this ideal locked in our head. As for me I'm attracted to the bad girl until she gets bad,
then I want out. And I see the ladies are interested in the bad boys,
until they get bad. I guess I have to find some kind of compromise in my head. before i'm ready for a healthy relationship?????
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
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Cynay, it rings a bell! I have to go to work now but real quick, xabf and i split for one year BUT I still work with him.
Apparently I haven't done any recovery that has stuck anyway. I ahve read a couple books and they make sense. I have been trying to live life for me but...
yeah I need work!!
Apparently I haven't done any recovery that has stuck anyway. I ahve read a couple books and they make sense. I have been trying to live life for me but...
yeah I need work!!
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It's really not about the others. (the x or the current) It sounds to me like you just aren't ready. Take your time, take care of you, when it's right you will not have so many doubts. 
L
L
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when your accustomed to tasting crap, caviar is repulsive.
what did you do to change your taste buds? Any 12 step recovery? therapy? If not, theres your answer.....your pallate is just not willing to know there is something better out there than "crap on a stick".
what did you do to change your taste buds? Any 12 step recovery? therapy? If not, theres your answer.....your pallate is just not willing to know there is something better out there than "crap on a stick".
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Originally Posted by sketscher
But truthfully I was madly in "love" with my xabf and he and I didn't have that much in common either. Was it merely an addiction? He mistreated me so badly and yet I clung onto him for years.
I'm afraid I'm throwing away a perfectly good relationship based on the comparisons of a completely warped relationship!
I'm afraid I'm throwing away a perfectly good relationship based on the comparisons of a completely warped relationship!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by Miss Pink
when your accustomed to tasting crap, caviar is repulsive.
what did you do to change your taste buds?
what did you do to change your taste buds?
Bear with me, my brain is not functioning well, but, I'll give it a shot anyway.
As briefly as I can...when my ex and I split, the pain of being with him was so great, I did not want to be with anyone...except for my dogs and my cats.
It's going on almost 3 years now and I've spent a lot of time working on me...on the inside. Not all pleasant, not all fun....however, I have learned that I don't like the taste of crap anymore...not saying I like caviar either, somewhere in the middle perhaps.
If I had gone looking for a replacement for my ex right away, I would still not know or understand that crap is not normal. I'm learning that next to my cats and dogs, the greatest love of all is learning to love myself...isn't that a Whitney Houston song?
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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Miss Pink you made me laugh "crap on a stick".
I have a tendancy to pick a lot of crap on sticks, they are addictive because they are so needy, excellent liars, actors and manipulators, they tell you everything you want to hear. Then it turns wrong, you start hearing the same old stories, and for some reason you feel obliged to stay, well i do which is my problem.
both my sister are the same, we are all divorced one sister married a man who turned out to be an alcohlic, the other just married a "crap on a stick". We were discussing this not long ago and we all came to the conclusion that our father had a lot to do with the descisions we made. He is not an alcoholic but a VERY controlling man and as kids we used to be scared of him, he never abused us or anything but we did what we were told period. All of us discovered that we couldnt say NO very easy, for fear of upsetting someone and to this day we do as we are told including the times when we should be standing our own ground.
thinking now my father was addicted to control which is just as bad as any other addiction i guess. Alcoholics are controlling, and the bad boys too. So when im ready for another relationship I'll intoduce him to my father and if they get on im OFF!!!!!
Mairxx
I have a tendancy to pick a lot of crap on sticks, they are addictive because they are so needy, excellent liars, actors and manipulators, they tell you everything you want to hear. Then it turns wrong, you start hearing the same old stories, and for some reason you feel obliged to stay, well i do which is my problem.
both my sister are the same, we are all divorced one sister married a man who turned out to be an alcohlic, the other just married a "crap on a stick". We were discussing this not long ago and we all came to the conclusion that our father had a lot to do with the descisions we made. He is not an alcoholic but a VERY controlling man and as kids we used to be scared of him, he never abused us or anything but we did what we were told period. All of us discovered that we couldnt say NO very easy, for fear of upsetting someone and to this day we do as we are told including the times when we should be standing our own ground.
thinking now my father was addicted to control which is just as bad as any other addiction i guess. Alcoholics are controlling, and the bad boys too. So when im ready for another relationship I'll intoduce him to my father and if they get on im OFF!!!!!
Mairxx
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
Posts: 378
Today I realized the only thing I know for sure is that I'm too confused to make any real decision on this relationship. Although I kind of already did. Unfortunately for him, I've really put him through the ringer, and I think he's just going to wait around for me. I didn't help the situation because I told him to not throw my stuff away, that I'd talk to him another day. That was my last words to him. Before this he said to me that if we never speak again he's just going back to his life of singlehood anyway so it's not as though I'm keeping him from dating others.
I know I really don't owe him explainations but I am wondering if I should come clean to a degree about my past? Or just forget his feelings and go one about some therapy. If I come clean how much do I reveal? Will it really benefit him or me to do that?
I know I really don't owe him explainations but I am wondering if I should come clean to a degree about my past? Or just forget his feelings and go one about some therapy. If I come clean how much do I reveal? Will it really benefit him or me to do that?
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 98
Hmmm...good topic, Sketscher...
I very briefly dated a guy in college that I thought was the perfect male specimen for me, perfect qualities that I adored, our humor, attitudes, goals, etc. were all synergestic, not to mention that he was the spitting image of Dwayne Johnson (The Rock), a man who literally makes me weak in the knees at the mere mention of his name. (I have no idea why; I absolutely cannot stand celebrity worship. I may have an unhealthy obsession with this man...!
Anyway, turns out that I eventually found him boring as hell. I basically created a whole other personality and assigned it to this guy moments after I met him...and then got bummed out when I realized that his Dwayne-Johnson-body didn't come with a brain or any passion for life.
Our 'ideal' or fantasy mates, as we have created them in our minds, rarely live up to their potential.
Sketscher, like you, I also once dumped a guy because he was too 'boring' in that he agreed with everything I said (how do you have a conversation with a person about anything if all they ever respond is "you are so right" or "yes"?), was too nice, too empathetic, annoyingly optimistic, did all the cliche things that should only be done in the movies, etc. It was like he was a walking, talking magazine article entitled "How to Get the Girl of Your Dreams to Marry You." (You know what types of articles I am talking about, right? The ones that suggest casting spells, leaving an article of clothing at their place 'accidentally' so you have to go back, snooping through their personal items or email or journel in order to 'find out more about what they like' so you can mimic that quality and fake your way into their heart!! )
Looking back on it, I'd say that I definately made the right decision in dumping him! It wasn't totally like your case, where I was bored and unattracted to his 'niceness' and 'chivalry' because I was used to and comfortable with the opposite. It was more like I sensed desperation in him, perfectionism. I saw his real self flicker out from under the fake, over-eager-to-please-me optimism, but I could tell he was adept at recognizing when he fell out of Mr. Nice Guy Character and could quickly go back to it.
To be fair, he was trying hard to be what he thought I wanted him to be. He was definately in the stage of his life where he was not only ready to be married and have a family, but was desperate and hunting down a mate like he only had one more month to live!! It was this 'hunting' and his overly-obvious need to be perfect so that I would have no reason not to choose him for a husband that I interpreted as emotional immaturity.
And for real, he was a boring clod! He wooed women by offering them the exact opposite of what women supposedly are drawn to and often are jaded by, i.e. the bad boy. However, he was insincere in his kindness (if I hadn't been watching, probably wouldn't have given the Salvation Army ringer his change), it was a 'forced' chivalry and he was probably already starting to subconsciously resent me because he felt he had to be chivalrous to get me to love him (perhaps he read this in Maxim and blew it out of proportion and now firmly believes that he will be single forever unless he sells his soul to the devil and signs the edict that establishes that no woman is allowed to marry an unchivalrous louse, and said date/potential husband must prove his chivalry unfailingly in the dating stages of their courtship, even when said date/potential husband may incur injuries or death by going above and beyond the standard nicities.)
Anyway, Sketscher, my way-too-abstract point is this: I hope you don't get too down on yourself over this guy. Try not to overanalyse why he turned you off and why you found him boring. Maybe you are 100% right and he is a total dud and it has nothing to do with you!
All the advice thus far is great, as usual. Try not to beat yourself up and convince yourself that you are back at the starting block in your codie recovery just because of this...
I very briefly dated a guy in college that I thought was the perfect male specimen for me, perfect qualities that I adored, our humor, attitudes, goals, etc. were all synergestic, not to mention that he was the spitting image of Dwayne Johnson (The Rock), a man who literally makes me weak in the knees at the mere mention of his name. (I have no idea why; I absolutely cannot stand celebrity worship. I may have an unhealthy obsession with this man...!
Anyway, turns out that I eventually found him boring as hell. I basically created a whole other personality and assigned it to this guy moments after I met him...and then got bummed out when I realized that his Dwayne-Johnson-body didn't come with a brain or any passion for life.
Our 'ideal' or fantasy mates, as we have created them in our minds, rarely live up to their potential.
Sketscher, like you, I also once dumped a guy because he was too 'boring' in that he agreed with everything I said (how do you have a conversation with a person about anything if all they ever respond is "you are so right" or "yes"?), was too nice, too empathetic, annoyingly optimistic, did all the cliche things that should only be done in the movies, etc. It was like he was a walking, talking magazine article entitled "How to Get the Girl of Your Dreams to Marry You." (You know what types of articles I am talking about, right? The ones that suggest casting spells, leaving an article of clothing at their place 'accidentally' so you have to go back, snooping through their personal items or email or journel in order to 'find out more about what they like' so you can mimic that quality and fake your way into their heart!! )
Looking back on it, I'd say that I definately made the right decision in dumping him! It wasn't totally like your case, where I was bored and unattracted to his 'niceness' and 'chivalry' because I was used to and comfortable with the opposite. It was more like I sensed desperation in him, perfectionism. I saw his real self flicker out from under the fake, over-eager-to-please-me optimism, but I could tell he was adept at recognizing when he fell out of Mr. Nice Guy Character and could quickly go back to it.
To be fair, he was trying hard to be what he thought I wanted him to be. He was definately in the stage of his life where he was not only ready to be married and have a family, but was desperate and hunting down a mate like he only had one more month to live!! It was this 'hunting' and his overly-obvious need to be perfect so that I would have no reason not to choose him for a husband that I interpreted as emotional immaturity.
And for real, he was a boring clod! He wooed women by offering them the exact opposite of what women supposedly are drawn to and often are jaded by, i.e. the bad boy. However, he was insincere in his kindness (if I hadn't been watching, probably wouldn't have given the Salvation Army ringer his change), it was a 'forced' chivalry and he was probably already starting to subconsciously resent me because he felt he had to be chivalrous to get me to love him (perhaps he read this in Maxim and blew it out of proportion and now firmly believes that he will be single forever unless he sells his soul to the devil and signs the edict that establishes that no woman is allowed to marry an unchivalrous louse, and said date/potential husband must prove his chivalry unfailingly in the dating stages of their courtship, even when said date/potential husband may incur injuries or death by going above and beyond the standard nicities.)
Anyway, Sketscher, my way-too-abstract point is this: I hope you don't get too down on yourself over this guy. Try not to overanalyse why he turned you off and why you found him boring. Maybe you are 100% right and he is a total dud and it has nothing to do with you!
All the advice thus far is great, as usual. Try not to beat yourself up and convince yourself that you are back at the starting block in your codie recovery just because of this...
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