jacksdaughter

As some of you might remember I have had problems with my son on and off now for some time. It's wierd just when things seem to be getting better wham something new happens. Just recently he had moved in with his Girlfriend and her mother. Which I wasn't happy about, but he did it anyway. WEll of course they broke up of all times on Christmas Day and now he is pretty much homelesss. He has a pretty good job and has been staying with friends or his sister, spent two nights in a hotel etc. etc.. I have offered for him to come live with us but it is a 1 1/2 commute for him for work but I figure better then homeless. I don't know what to do with this I am extremely worried about him etc.. I know he is 26 and he has been making really bad choices but it is hard to be the mom and watch this. Any advice will help. I know alot of this is guilt on my part. Three years ago we decided to move and at the time he was living with us. We asked him to move with us but he wanted to stay in the area we were living in and has not done well ever since. I sometimes think I will never get past feeling that this is all my fault.

hbb

hugs to you and welcome to SR.

Remember the 3 C's,

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

It's not your fault, he's 26 and you gave him the option to live with you. He will be okay if he's opting not to stay with you after your offer.

Barbara52

In no way is any of this your fault. He is an adult making his own choices.

At 26 with a pretty good job, he is certainly capable of living on his own. He needs to learn to stand on his own and deal with his problems.

How about you? How are you doing? You might want to consider AlAnon or therapy to help yourself.

jacksdaughter

I am actually thinking about returning to Alanon or some type of therapy. I keep feeling like I am on a roller coaster ride that never ends. Making me crazy.

DII

He's a grown man.....let him screw up.....stop saving him!

Enough about him...let's atlk about you! What do you want for yourself? What makes you happy (and NO it can't be him being happy!), how are you dealing with understanding his addition and you lack of control over it?

Hint, hint........you need to focus on you, not him!

jacksdaughter

You are right I know just so very hard to do. I am going to looking into Alanon or some type of counseling as this has been going on now for over three years and I just can't do it anymore. The endless worry etc , which I am sure everyone here is well aware of makes you nuts. And I can't understand how he can live like this, he wasn't raised like this. He lived in a nice house, nice town. was the captain of the football team, captain of the wrestling team what happen... I can't figure it out.:wtf2

geees poncho

HE is writing his own story, you have to step back and let him.
You did the best you could, and that is programed in his brain.
he is off on lifes adventures, he'll be back, let him go and learn life
he will eventually turn around, and have his own story. RELAX

LET THAT BOY BOOGY WOOGY---ZZ TOP

Rella927

JacksDaughter

26 year's old and has a great job...this is great! As a mother no one wants to watch their child suffer through certain things such as being "homeless" would be pretty top of the list!

Nothing is your fault!
The option to move with you was given-and declined-
The offer still is open for him to come live with you- and again declined (so far)

In life we do the best that we can with the hands that we are dealt-you are doing the best that you can-he is an adult and needs to make his life's choices and either fail at them and learn or grow from making the right choices-They are not your choices anymore to make-

And I love what Gee stated "writing his own story" he has the pen and blank paper in his hand.....let him spread his own wings...if he falls-that is how he will learn!

Love him from a distance, pray for him, let him know the door is always open-and be happy with your choice and Al-Anon would be a great place to start getting YOU back on the track of your own life!

jacksdaughter

Thank you everyone!!! This is a great place with great people. I am so happy to have found you all! I hope to be a help to someone else we all must give back... Happy New Year to All!8

hbb

((((jacksdaughter))))

My exabf was the person you described above. I knew him 16 years ago in high school and he was on varsity football, lived for it and played hockey! He was in the "popular" group of friends, handsome, friendly. He grew up in a nice town and home, very nice parents. BUT he's also been drinking since about 16, masked it apparently for a while. Started dating a girl that was exactly like him for 8 years, but add drugs to her drinking. I met him, things got better for him for a while, quit drinking (because i couldn't take it) and in the end, went back to her because he knew she would accept that, i wouldn't.

My point is, he has to make his own choices (good or bad). J makes EVERY wrong decision but it's upto him and only him to turn his life around which he doesn't want to by 34. I never let my ex hit his bottom, and not sure he will with anyone's help. I know how difficult it must be, i was so sad too. I went to Al-Anon and that was great help for me. I also go to therapy for ME now and am learning to save me instead of everyone else. Keep posting, this is a great place for support as we all have been there to some degree.

jacksdaughter

Heather thanks that does sound just like him. He also started drinking at about 17 and not sure what else. Seemed to be okay for a long time and then around 19 20 when off the deep end. Then of course at 23 got his DUI which cripped him for over a year and that was also when we moved, timing couldn't have been worse. Of course his friends are just like him. The only thing I see lately in his favor he is is doing well at work. Not sure what happen with the latest girl but I can just imagine. But I do need to shift the focus from him. He just always upsets me so much.....:praying

hbb

I know how upsetting, not as a parent but as a girlfriend it is to watch someone go down that road. My ex knows what he's doing and how he's effecting us all. He is 34 and hangs out at the American Leigon with the elder vetrains. I was talking to his best friend and he told me he doesn't hang out or contact them because he knows that they will tell him how it is and better him and the Leigon "friends" won't. But i truly know that "i'm going to save him" feeling. I was determined to be the one after 34 years to help him, he may be sober but is not living sober. It is heartbreaking, i loved him with all i had. I feel like we are the ones that suffer the most and are left to pick up the pieces, it's not fair that's for sure.

Have you read the stickies at the top of the page? They are very helpful