caileesnana

RAD was so homesick after Christmas visit. The story goes,the asst mgt (young 19 yo girl) was stealing her stuff, blocking #'s on cell phone, calling people from Kasey's phone etc. She called her dad one nite at 2am, she and the cousin (who saw/knew what was going on) left to avoid a confrontation. Dad put her in motel for the nite. The next day she said she was coming home, had talked w sponsor etc. I said no, she needed to deal w/ whatever was going on. She said she was unhappy that far away, was working program and wanted a real life w/ family, blah blah.

So, dad and I agreed, after talking with my sponsor, that changing area and growing could be ok. She came home,looked good, acted good. She went out w/ the only decent friend she had, her first love from High School. He knows her warts and all, and still cares so I like him for that reason. He doesn't do drugs, does drink on occassion but works, acts human etc.

She called a few times New Years eve that she was OK, which is what I asked. She also called and said she was staying there and would be home after she slept. Long story short, all day yesterday, she called or textedd...on my way, be home in an hour, lie after lie!! She was at his parents and didn't want to come home. Why couldn't she say that? Why just lie and make me think "addict behavior". Well, her purse was stolen out of her car. Police report made, she was dramatic and hysterical. All I could say, which was wrong, was "if youd come home when you said you would it wouldn't have happened!". Which is true and I would have said it to my son, sister, anyone!!!

So today, she has to go to bank, DL, SS, who knows what else. Lost her retainer (her teeth were starting to look good again!) new bottle of Lauren perfume and who knows what else. Why, because she is hell bent on having him! WHat's going to happen is she will strangle the life out of him as she always does and he'll be gone then she will start her cycle again.

I told her she could stay until she saved depoist and down pymt as she was old enough for her own place, she was be happier and I would be healthier. She said OK.

Her word mean NOTHING. I want to see actions, progress, no WORDS.

Pray for me that I don't loose my recovery as I was close yesterday when my mom and sister came in w/ 20 questions. My mother would never allow that kind of behavior and we all moved on and out. I got the "your stupid" looks, poor you etc. She was doing what she said as far as going out, yesterday coming home was the farce---she ignores reality and plays like she is someone else. She is in process of finding a sponsor, but that seems to be on back burner as she is still talking daily w/ out of state sponsor.

I don't like her, what she represents, looking at her, listening to her, it is all too much. When does the behavior stop? The lying, laying in bed w/ eyes closed ignoring someone, blaming someone else for her purse, etc.

I try and keep my mouth shut, but I want to put my fist into hers! She is so stupid, her dad and I wonder if she is truly "off balance".

I am beginning to think sometimes love isn't enough. I guess I still love her, but don't like her. In 48 hours, she has not put up room from the moving mess, spent any time w/ family, looked for a job, done anything I would do if I were truly remorseful and on the right track.

But she is not me, and I thank God am not her.

Please let me know if this is normal at her point in recovery, if I am crazy w/ unrealistic expectations. I thought my expectations were so low anyone could compy!!

Love to all,
susan

marle

Susan, The choices Kasey is making are her choices. I have found it a lot easier to accept my daughter's choices when I am not in the middle of them. You let her come home and you learned a lesson. Home is not the place for her. You set a boundary, move out. Now for the follow through, the tough part. Her behavior may very well be that of someone in early recovery or it could be that of someone who knows how to push all of your buttons. Either way YOU don't have to let it continue. Sending hugs and prayers that you find a solution. Marle

mooselips

((caileesnana)))
Well hugs to you, this is aggravating, isn't it?
I sure can understand where you are coming from, because my son (34y.o.) acts the same way. (But, for the grace of God, hasn't lived at home since he was 18.)

My son acts, and thinks like a 16 y.o. IMHO, I believe it's from using from the age of 15. My son is 34, and using again, so his chances for his brain to ever catch up, I think, are slim. (but there's alwys hope)
But, in your daughters case, she's so young, if she remains sober for any length of time, I think you'll see big changes in her, especially when she's out on her own.

It's probably really difficult for you, after she was in rehab, and warm, safe and dry, getting treatment, and now all of the sudden, she's back...and that's a life changing event!

If she is to stay at home, maybe you need to reinforce the boundaries you decided on, before she came back.

I can hear the frustration in your voice...my heart feels for you,

hang in there, she has some tools to work with now....
Hope it all gets better.

Just my opinion take what you like, and leave the rest..

Hugs,

Impurrfect

((((Susan))))

Darn, I hate that this is happening. I honestly can't say if this is "normal" for early recovery. It may be that she is doing what she is doing because she thinks she can get away with it? The reason I say this is, when I came home, I was expected to pay $100/week or find somewhere else. Even when I relapsed, and had lost my job, I knew I had to find another one really quick. I filled out about 40 job applications, helped my dad in his work, and when I didn't get a job quick enough, called the mgr I knew at the place I work now.

I knew I HAD to get a job quickly, or I would not be welcome at home. Maybe Kasey is thinking she can cruise for a while and worry about a job later.

I can tell you one thing....if she doesn't respect your boundaries and you make her leave, it is her choice. If she goes back to the old lifestyle, that, too, is her choice. I hate it for you, but remember kicking her out won't make her use.

You've done an awesome job and you've supported her as much as you can. It's time she learn the hard facts of life, I think. I hope she stays clean, but it's her choice. I hope you can stick to your boundaries, because I can tell this is making you miserable. Wish I could make it all better!

Oh, and by the way, you didn't fail.....you just learned another lesson.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

caileesnana

She is at the bank getting that straightened out, states she is going to find a job. we'll see. I reminded her the sooner she secures a job, the sooner she can have a place all her own. Her DL & SS card were in her wallet in the console, not in her purse, make any sense to anyone??????

I pray something breaks quickly before I "contribute" the 4th C to her relapse. I love her, but I really don't like her. There's not much to like, except the beautiful child she was. If I worked w/ someone like her, I'd steer clear. Adolescents w/ adult rights!

I did make some progress yesteray I failed to report! My son called her "the other" again infront of friends/family. I didn't say anything at first, then I let loose. I told him that was my house, his disrespect was just as hurtful and him calling her names hurt me, and if it couldn't stop, he'd need to stay at his house. He didn't say anything more.

I felt bad because he new GF, who is an angel I introduced him to, saw me at a low point, but I am tired of the stress they all put on me, the way they use me and disrespect me and use me. I have gotten way better, but still have a long way to go, but I AM going that way!~~~~~

susan

Hangin' In

Susan,

If I didn't know better, I'd say our lives are like twins separated at birth.
I have been where you are and my AD has been where your daughter is. And it's the pits! (Like I'm telling you something you don't already know...ha!)

Like someone else said, this could be the ups and downs of early recovery or a relapse in the making. Bottom line is you can't do a thing about either one.

I know when my daughter moved home, nearly all my peace and serenity went out the window. I went to every meeting I could get my hands on and called my recovery friends and sponsor all the time. I had to continously remind myself that my daughter had to make her own choices and that no matter how stupid her choices were looking, I was to get out of the way and let her and her HP figure it out.

Susan, I had to learn by my mistakes and my daughter's have too. Trust me, I tried everything in the book to get them to listen, to hear all my wisdom. But like someone in my meetings said, they are just not going to hear it from us.

You've set your boundary saying she needs to get a job and move out. Keep reminding yourself that this will be the best thing for you AND HER because the sooner she's thrown into the place where she has to make responsible decisions, the sooner it will happen...hopefully.

Hugs to you cause I know exactly what it's like at your house. Remember, nothing last forever. This too shall pass. Just stay focused on your boundaries. And if you don't already go to meetings, I'd highly recommend them.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

hello-kitty

I'm sorry your life is in such turmoil. I hated living that way. Maybe write the boundaries down and pin them on the fridge as a constant reminder to yourself and whoever else might be looking in there. That's what I did. It wasn't my daughter but it was my childs father. I set boundaries, pinned them on the fridge. And then when he started using again, I realized that I would be a poor example and a hypocrit just like him if I Didn't follow through on my promises to myself.

PS. Do you believe everything she is telling you? Because it sounds like quite a wild tale - the kind of tale an active addict tells to cover up their escapades.

caileesnana

Hi kitty,
Nope, I don't believe anything she says! That's why it is so important for her actions to show her recovery. Only the police report verified the purse being stolen. The other "lies" were her wanting to stay where she was w/ friend and not having the guts to say she wasnt' coming home.

She could tell me the sun was out and I'd have to look outside and verify! I heard this line on CSI and I use it alot "trust...and verify!"

susan

Lobo

Susan,
I can't believe you are having all of this turmoil. I'm sorry to hear all of this. I know how hard it is having them move back in.....trust me. Hopfully things will level out and she will get a job and be able to move out. Just keep taking care of yourself that is the most important thing you can do.

Keeping you and Kasey in prayer...........Lo

greeteachday

Vent away...Sure seems like the new year is bringing a bit too much action and not enough serenity to too many of our SR family.. I'm really sorry you are so frustrated. I had to work really hard with lots and lots of meetings to not get sucked into the drama when my daughter was fresh out of rehab. I had to constantly ask myself is this one mine to own. If not, I made myself leave it and bit my tongue hard when it came to reacting or offering opinions. It's worse than talking to the wind because I would be frustrated at the lack of response.

It really is so much easier when our kids are not in the home. Even without addiction, young adults have their own ways of doing (or not doing) things that can try the patience of a saint. I think there is a reason birds fly from the nest.

Are there any Oxford Houses around? Perhpas something like that would be a possibility while she is saving for a place of her own. No security deposit and rent is usually cheap enough that even a job with minimum wage pay will pay the bill.

Lots of hugs Susan and prayers for both of you. That beautiful girl really is in there and one day you will see her again.

Spiritual Seeker

Just sending you some well-wishes as you work out the new dynamic.
I know from being here for awhile that You have the skills to handle this new situation.

hope213

susan, both f us know that love is not enough. we love them to death but that is what we do. our addicts have to do for themselves. no matter what we do or not do it is never enough or else is the wrong thing. just take care of yourself & let the addict to themself. prayers for you both & big hugs for you,

lostparent

Hope things start heading in the right direction again. Understand how you feel , like others here I've had the same feelings. Sending prayers.

BigSis

(((caileesnana)))) Yeah... I've long said that addiction is FAR more than "just" the using. The lack of maturity... the "all about me" syndrome... the inability to delay gratification (I want it NOW!) ... and the "more is not enough".


When I attend AA meetings, I hear these things all the time, and I see some of them in me - and I have not had a drink since 1983!!

What I know today is things can get better. We can mature... we can gain awareness and acceptance and with that, we can take action. The h.o.w. in "How it Works" is:

Honesty
Openness
Willingness

When addicts get into recovery, a lot of the focus is about changing those behaviors... because the only one of the 12 steps that even talks about a substance, is the first one. All the others are about how to live, how to be a better person.

So, if she really is in recovery and working a program, those things will come with time.

But here is a secret I discovered.... those things can happen over time, anyway.

Most of the sober folks in my family do not work a 12-step program. My mom has been sober over 27 years, and there are days she is still a giggly, a bit immature and self-centered... and she is 70 years old. But most days, she has figured out how to be a responsible, caring, giving woman. Life taught her. Society taught her. Loved ones taught her.

Recovery can be an efficient, effective way to make changes in our lives, but it is not the ONLY way. Churches help. Counseling helps. Friends help.


My kids are both addicts. Son is 23 and still using... yet he is more mature and responsible than his 21 year old sister who is clean! My daughter is still very self-focused, and surrounds herself with those who allow her immature behavior. She married an addict who is using again, and is allowing behavior in her home that I find deplorable (she has 2 babies).

But what I know is:

She is clean.
She is making progress... though it is so SLOW!!!
I cannot be around her for very long.


She and I have talked about the addictive personality. We have talked about her husband and his choices. And we are both pretty up front about being unable to tolerate each other for more than about a day.


There is no way I could take her back into my home to live for any length of time. She knows that, too.

I liked Greet's idea of an Oxford House. Both my kids lived in them for a while - and it took the pressure of ME of being the "rule maker". In the Oxford Houses, the GROUP is the rule-making body. If you don't keep your minimal chores done, you get kicked out. If you don't get a job, you get kicked out. If you use, you get kicked out. But these folks have all BEEN there - so when they enforce a rule, they do it with compassion.... and often without waivering.

My son was able to live in his Oxford House for 18 months. They helped him transition from a young kid into a young man. My daughter was only able to make it 6 weeks, but it took her from the maturity of a 13 or 14 year old to one of 17... which was her age at the time.

When I finally allowed my kids to experience the consequences of there own deicsions, they were finally able to LEARN. And the pressure was off me. And I had some room to stand back and just love them.

Which is what I had wanted to do all along.



I wish you the best. I know how hard this is. Lots of face to face meetings helped me very much.

((hugs))

Mewoman

I know the all about me !!!!!!! I have been living it for two years now with my niece . I feel for you , I hope she can get it together quick so you can have some peace of mind .

I really do believe that addicts don't mature much to their age , does that make sense ? LOL ?

Be strong (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))

laketime

Susan, no words from me, I just know how long youve been dealing witht his and how hopeless and helpless we can feel about our addicts. Prayers to you and AD

sleepygoat

All I can add is to say that when I first got clean (the first time), I was 24, and came home to live with my parents. I was a total brat. I did get a job (though not the first few weeks), but didn't offer to give them any rent or even help out with anything at all around the house. I did nothing to contribute in any way. It was totally about me and my recovery friends and what I wanted and needed. I yelled at my mom when she didn't do what I wanted. I think this kind of self-centeredness is normal in terms of "self-centeredness is the core of our disease of addiction" according to the NA literature, and it doesn't change internally until quite a few steps are worked. However, if my parents had set limits (financially and behaviorally) I do think I would have complied. They just never did. The only thing I didn't do that yours does is lie. I just didn't find the need to lie, once I got clean, since my parents were fine with whatever I did (or didn't do!!).