duet_4-8

So my stbxh went to see our pastor the day before yesterday; I have been in touch with the pastor throughout the seperation and counseled with him prior to taking action. He has told me that he completely understands, does not condemn me for filing for divorce (he has a sister who is addicted to meth; he knows the insanity we all live in very well). I know in my heart that he doesn't believe the things that stbxh said, but nonetheless I feel sick to my stomach about it. He told the pastor things dating back over 25 years-elements of truth were there but for the most part it was a distortion campaign. I have done lots of things over the years in my own codependent insanity that make me cringe.....

My oldest son has been in contact with the pastor, too, throughout this because of the emotional abuse that stbxh has subjected him to. (He has blamed our son for the fact that I won't try to work things out with him because my son refused to try to persuade me to change my mind.) He spoke with pastor yesterday and that is how I know basically what was said (I don't think pastor went into specifics but I know what stbxh's current mantra is when he starts obsessing over me). Son asked pastor because he knew that his dad would twist the conversation and he wanted to know what was really said. Then stbx came into my son's store and told him that pastor said that I was wrong for filing for divorce.....

Then today I get a letter offering me a ridiculously lowball amount to not go through with selling our home (like he wanted to in mediation and like the signed court order tells me to....) The last line of it says that 'this way I can still have a place for you and *youngest son* to come back to if you ever change your mind'.

I am trying very hard to be compassionate and detached, but I am having to fight the urge to call stbxh and let him have it with both barrels. I won't do that, though, because I know that the only thing it would accomplish is to reinforce his insane behavior by letting him know that I give a flip what he says about me.

Thanks for letting me get it out here. Offers of encouragement welcome.....

Cupicake

I'm sorry the insanity continues. Sometimes even from a distance it can greatly affect us.
But....you are doing good by handling it the way you have been.
Wishing you peace.

GiveLove

Encouragement GIVEN, Jen. You are doing the right thing for yourself and your kids, and you know it. I'm sorry he's doing this, but you know he's in the wrong, you know it beyond a shadow of a doubt, and you know this is just one more big boulder you have to scramble over on your way to freedom from him.

You will get there. We will be behind you, boosting you up.
Love,GL

Kindeyes

His defensive mechanisms are kicking into full force.....turbo powered. It's so hard to ignore the vile and thoughtless words of our addicts/alcoholics. It's hard NOT to respond in some way........but I think that's what he's hoping for.......a response. Imagine his frustration when you don't respond. He may even kick it up a notch. And you don't respond. He gets nothing out of it. Nothing. He doesn't get the desired result. His words and actions hold no power.....you have effectively disarmed him.

This is how I have to deal with my A son. I can actually FEEL my desire to respond to his nonsense boiling up in me. This is how he use to engage me. Throw out something that he KNEW would get me going (usually saying something awful about me, or someone I love, or threatening suicide). I still have to really really work at this. My instant gut says "RESPOND!!!!" And I do respond....just differently now. I walk away. I say "sorry you feel that way". I say "hmm". I say nothing at all. The less I respond, the less power I give him. It makes ME feel powerful and in control.

What use to work for him doesn't work anymore. I've changed the rules.

gentle hugs to you in your recovery

WENDYLOST101

Jen, no words, just great big ol hugs. (((Duet)))

Impurrfect

((((jen))))

I agree with you all...he's just trying to get a reaction from you. He's still trying to get back to HIS comfort zone...even if you were arguing, you were still reacting.

He doesn't realize YOU have changed. He probably will try a few more times to get a reaction from you, but usually once the finally figure out that it isn't working any more, they give up or find someone else to bother.

I think you're doing great! You knew he wasn't going to lay down and play dead, but by choosing not to engage in his battle, you're taking his power away.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

mooselips

(((duet_4-8)))
I agree, you are the gal with all the power! He's just trying every aspect possible to push your buttons, and you're doing a great job staying out of the chaos!

As for him talking to your preacher. If your preacher is as "Addict Savvy" as you say, I'm sure he's smart enough not to believe any of the nonsense the A tossed his way.

Don't you go worrying your pretty little head.

Hugs,

Ann

Ditto to what the Moose said.

Your pastor knows the truth, no matter what the ex feeds him.

Let ex own his bad behaviour and just walk away knowing in your heart that you are doing the right thing for you.

Hugs

outonalimb

Jen,

Even though you know the truth...
And even though you know that the preacher and anyone else you care about knows the truth, it still hurts.

The people who matter know what the real story is.
He's lost in a fantasy world. Focus on how wonderful it is that you aren't living there with him any longer. You've moved on to greener pastures.

Say a prayer for him and try to let it go.

Much love...

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Jen)))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))

greeteachday

(((((Jen))))))
Yup, even though you know the truth and know that all who matter know it too, it does still hurt. I'm sorry you have to go through that. I hope by sharing it here, you can let it go and enjoy the holidays with your kids and that sweet grandbaby! Hugs

duet_4-8

Thanks guys. It really did hurt, so much that it caught me off guard. But I am glad I didn't react. I know that was the right thing to do.

I hope all of you have a wonderful Christmas. You have all been a huge gift to me this year and I am forever grateful!!

PaperDolls

No words, only hugs.
((((jen))))