shutterbug

it's a weird one.

the first treatment went swimmingly and i thought i wouldn't have any memory problems....but i was wrong. The things i've been forgetting have been weird. I'm having trouble with computer passwords and things...and anything that happened the 3-4 days leading up to the first one are becomeing harder and harder to hold onto or recall.

mom said she came and stayed with me or something just a few days before i went inpatient....but i don't remember her being here.

i apparently found a good deal on a purse i bought for $3, but i don't remember buying it.

Oh well, even with the likelihood of having my last $400 stolen from my checking account last night...i'm not suicidal...so i guess that's the point right?

prayers please
lots and lots of prayers please,
jenna

shutterbug

well so i filed a police report on the guy taking off with my debit card and pin number....one lucky break? They had stopped him last night (which i remembered him telling me) but they remembered too and had gotten all his info from him at that time....so they know EXACTLY who he is....and yes he is a disabled veteran. (at least that much of what he told me was true)

that's the good thing. they also know he's been arrested before and is on probation for drug charges (crank) ...which he told me he didn't do drugs, only drank on occasion.

The sad part to me tho? The loss of what i thought i'd found in him. He truely seemed to be more than i'd ever imagined finding. I kept telling myself he couldn't be for real....i just didn't tell myself it enough. We went walking about 4 blocks to Wal-mart, him holding my hand the whole way and talking about "when we get married some day...i want to go walking every morning."

He seemed to adore me...for my heart and for even this hideous body of mine. And yes, we had sex...unprotected and him not worrying about pulling out was my first major clue that he was up to no good. Not long after he said he had to go get his car back from the girl he'd loaned it to. I think the same friends that charged me $5 to bring us to my house (long story about my car) came and picked him back up...at some point he said they left him at Wal-mart so i told him to call a cab and see if he had enough of my cash to get a ride back here. Next thing i remember was him getting here and needing $9 more for the cab ride so i had to give my debit card ....and he somehow convienced me to still let him go after his car. Next, I got a call from him that he'd run out of gas and had to walk to the station where he needed to buy a gas can and gas and so he needed my pin number. I was half asleep and rattled it off, then asked him to check my balance for me. (DUMB and DUMB).

That was the last i heard from him. All-in-all with the "morning after pills" i had to buy when i came to my senses and realized what hapened, having to buy them with a check that will probably bounce since prolly drained my account, the cost of Lord only knows how much in cab rides or what else...I'll be AT LEAST -$200 (for a total loss of -$600 to -$700).

Anyway....i'm a SUCKER...and now a flat broke one at that.

shutterbug

oh...and not only did i forget to take my meds through all of this today....but now i don't know who will take me to and from my ECT treatmemts....and stay with me for the 24 hours following each.

probably mom, but she was the one wanting me to stay in the hospital longer and i hate depending on her so much all the time.

historyteach

It's wonderful to hear from you, Jenna;
I'm so sorry about this jerk you ran into. Please be careful...
Continue to let us know how it's going and how you are doing. Glad the treatment is helping your severe depression, though.

Shalom!

hippyhippy

Hi Hun,
hugs and prayers to you. I hate to think of you in such a vulnerable state. I am so sorry you met such an ass but so sorry you have your confidence shattered.
I may not be around much at present but I am thinking of you daily hunny and wondering how you are doing with your ECT and this roller bloody coaster journey of Bi flaming polar.
Hippy
xx

wheelman22

hey jenna,

just lettin you know we're still praying for you. stick with it, it may not seem like it, but the memory thing is a small price to pay to not go through (atleast not as bad) what you were going through. hopefully you see that benefits that i have seen with my mom.

dan

shutterbug

thanks everyone. mom called the hospital and griped them out for not giving me/her any information before-hand about how vulnerable i'd be...they only gave us the info yesterday, after my 4th treatment. i cant hardly think of anything except wanting to go gamble...cant get that off my brain. yet i have no money to go play with.

PaperDolls

Thanks for checking in Jenna. Hang in there.

love ya! :ghug3

cinderellawkids

Thanks for checking in. Sending hugs.

Live

Jenna, I did not know you had access to email! Are you inpatient 24/7 or is you mom with you?

I love you sister! Be well!

Have faith, the angels surround you, and your God wraps His loving arms around you.

My heart is with you, as well.

I am only a phone call away!

shutterbug

hi everyone...i would have been on here more, but my computer has been totally on the fritz lately.

Tena....thanks for the postcard sweetie! i love you dearly. I'm not inpatient....haven't been since last friday. i'm on a bit of an ECT break right now b/c of the holidays and my ECT doc being on a 2-week Christmas vacation.

To date....i've had 5 ECT treatments...and i look like a human pin cushion b/c i have a horrible IV nurse. I actually look like i've been in a horrible fight b/c the bruises on my arms and hands are so big and ugly.

I had to go see my pdoc yesterday....only the 2nd time ever to see him and he kept gushing at how great i looked after i told him i'd had 5 ECTs since i'd seen him last. He seemed so thrilled and excited about it and just kept saying over and over how good i looked (now this is the same goofy pdoc who nearly didn't refer me for ECT b/c he said it's only done on elderly people because of the memory proplems....untll i started balling right then and there in his office and so he agreed he would give me the referral i needed.) So i guess he just wasn't fully prepared for me to take the referral i was begging him for and to run with it like i did.

it dawned on me yesterday that since i am a photojournalist who obviously can't photography my own self being shocked in the OR that i am in the PERFECT position to approach the ECT doc and staff about it and ask if i can pick my own photojournalist from one of the large state papers to come in to one of my next treatments and document it.

I can't think of a BETTER way to get the general public use to the idea of it being used as a modern-day treatment and get the success numbers so vividly in front of their eyes!!!????

I'll just have to pray that my ECT doc and team will go for it and allow a camera into the OR!! Actually, the more i think of it....the more i think this could possibly be pulitzer prize winning stuff here!

i have much more to tell of. but will have to come back later.

I love you guys....not a day goes by that i don't think of you all!!

PaperDolls

(((Jenna)))

I'm so glad you checked in and are doing well.
I've decided all Pdoc's are goofy.....go figure.

I think the photo documentation is a great idea!! What about getting the local TV news & newspaper to team up on it? Not sure what sort of relationship they have in your town........it's worth checking on. Let me know if I can do anything to help in any way.

I send good thoughts your way every day.

Love ya!

:ghug

shutterbug

i thought about t.v. too, although t.v. camera guys are more combersome and such, but it's a thought....especially since the large paper i'd approach has a t.v. counterpart...i'm just not too keen about being still photographed during a brain seizure and being video-taped just seems that much more daunting. Some things to think on for sure.

i just got my bill in the mail today from my week of being inpatient to the tune of $19,000 and i don't think that includes any of the costs associated with the 3 ECT treatments i had while i was inpatient...$5,000 of it was just for the cost of the semi-private room. Luckily, my insurance will cover most of that i think.

The other thing i have yet to metion is that for the past 2 days i've been hanging out with the guy who cleaned out my checking account. I know how stupid that sounds and probably is and is why i've had a bit of a hard time coming clean about it to you guys. But please know i am very much on alert and watchful and trying to be very careful as much as possible....although last night i had a severe asthma attack and he drove me to the ER in my car and dropped me off at the door i truely was fearful that i'd never see my car again and i became super thankful that work had requested me turn over my camera during this time off b/c otherwise it would have all been in the trunl of my car.

Even though he came back from parking my car and then went and got it when we were through in the ER....it still has not sat well with me and i have made it known to him. i've almost made him get lost several times b/c i AM afraid of being swept up in a con, but i've also known too many addicts who think they don't really have a problem either. He slipped because in my ECT stupper i gave him my pin # to go with my bank card i'd already given him and he was fine until he ran into an old drug buddy of his. I'm not excusing him stealing my paycheck from me and thru last night and today i've realized i can't forgive him for it either...so i'm going to give him a SMALL chance to pay it back to me as that is the only way i'll ever be able to trust him enough so as to not end up telling him to take a hike and don't come back.

Why don't i just do that?
It'd be much easier. that's for sure. but if any bit of him is for real then i don't want to risk....

....

well i think i'm going to hang on a little bit longer b/c yeah it's a risk, but to me the greater risk is to never find love...so call me daft, but i think my higher power is determined to keep me walking delicately into this one with my eyes WIDE open for at least a little bit longer....to give the guy a little time to show me if he is for real or really off.

?

PaperDolls

Be careful with that guy Jenna. I know you're smart but it's also easy to think with your heart first. Just be careful. I'm not telling you what to do but, if it was me, I'd tell him to take a hike. He cleaned you out, stole from you, betrayed your trust, took advantage of you while you were incredibly vulnerable. Drug addiction or not...........he has not excuse.
Stay on your toes sistah!


Also, the TV thing. You don't have to have your face on camera......It's an option. I think a documentary would be interesting. Instead of just a 2 minute piece on local news. All this mental health stuff and what you're going through is much more complicated than that. I suppose just the ECT stuff could be a 2 minute deal........but the entire journey I think, would be a great documentry.

Love ya!

shockozulu

Shutterbug, he slipped because he chose to remove the money from your account, go to his dealer, buy drugs with your money and then ingest the drugs. If you notice, you were not part of any of those decisions. It is NOT your fault. As we say over in the family and friends forums "You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you can't cure it."

As for the forgetfulness, I knew a couple people who had ECT and they were told that every time they typed in a password, made an appointment or so on, write it on a sticky note and place it where you will see it without having to look for it. Do the same for your appointments. One lady put her calendar over her underwear drawer so she'd see it every morning! Whatever works, use it.

Take care, and please be careful.